Reignfyre Recovery

2008-05-18T08:13:00.001-05:00

10:00 2 slices cheese & 2 oranges12:00 2 bowls salad w/salsa & 1 (2) bannana & 1c? milk milkshake3:00 5 slices cheese, 1/4 c pecans & 3 oranges
Well, that was the good part of the day! Then I got it in my head to binge. Went to the store...had the items on the counter & decided I didn't even want it....but bought it anyway. Well, there is some good news in this.
1) I didn't even eat 1/2 of what I bought2) I didn't eat until I was sick3) I was sick of sweet
Big trigger here was my period. I crave chocalate 1 day a month....guess what day was yesterday?
I also got up and weighed myself this morning. I am at 252 from 185 (that is how fast I gain weight. And no I am not crying about it. I have been afraid to weigh all this time but this morning I was ready for some reason....to face the facts. Weird. Anyway....this is what I recall eating last night...
1 slice of angel food cakea container of ice cream1/2 a container of marshmallow cream3/4 a container of chocalate syrupa few yogurt covered raisins6 or 7 chocalate mint candies1 container (serv) mac & cheesebowl of crackers
I think that was it. Starting over this morning. Yesterday would have been 2 years abstinent! Oh well....life begins again if we are not dead!

2008-05-17T12:57:00.001-05:00

I am a coe & fa, that is why I choose to medicate my feelings with food (as opposed to another substance or behavior). I believe I was born an addict, possibly even specifically a food addict, and definitely groomed to be a food addict by life's circumstances. But why am I an addict was not the question.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I binge knowing eventually I will die from morbid obesity, heart attack, cancer, pancreatic attack, slitting my wrists? Because I don't want to feel. I want to be numb. I am scared of my feelings, the world, and most of all of being out of control of what will happen next. Large quantities of food numb me to pain & caring about what will happen next. And if those large quantities of food are sugary, I get some temporary pleasure thrown in for the ride.
Yes, large quantities of food numb my pain, but it also numbs *all* my feelings. I lose the ability to be human without my feelings. I lose me.
The BB says why I am an addict is unimportant, and I think that is correct. I do happen to know the why's, but it has never helped me manage the addiction. Why's gives me some great excuses to NOT recover, lots of fodder for therapy, lots of justification for my actions, and a lot of resentments too. But the why has never helped treat the addiction.
If I have an infection ravaging my body...well, knowing the why may help prevent me from getting the infection again, or it may not. But the treatment is known without the why....antibiotics. Hook me up doc!
The same with this disease. I know the why's and it has never helped. But the treatment is there, in the BB, 164 pages worth. You can condense it down into 12 steps, 12 traditions, & 12 concepts. Thank God my food addled brain doesn't even have to do that. I can just sit in meetings and absorb the message until I am straight enough to think again. Thank God for the slogans which make the message simple enough for my complicating & dissecting brain. Thank God for a sponsor who never gives up on me, though I give up on myself often. Thank God for a HP that is always there for me, though I often forget to ask for help. Thank God for miracles, which save my butt when I need it even though I shun the solution.
My name is Amy, and I am a hopeless, dying, and depressed food addict and compulsive overeater when I am using. Life is shitty when I am using, regardless of my true life circumstances.
My name is Amy, and I am a hopeful, recovering, feeling, learning, growing, compulsive overeater and food addict in recovery today. My life circumstances are unchanged, but today I am hopeful. The sun always shines a little brighter when I am in recovery.
Thanks

2007-10-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

I am doing step work & this is a major revelation for me. I just realized why my self-esteem is so badly hurt when someone treats me poorly. I think that when others treat me bad I deserve it! I assume that others treating me badly means that I must be bad. I have done something or they wouldn't treat me bad. The truth is 99% of the time when someone treats me bad it probably has nothing to do with me!!!!!

2007-10-18T11:25:00.003-05:00

I am grateful to be abstinent!
I am grateful to have a sponsor.
I am grateful to have program friends where I live & in other countries.
I am grateful for the wisdom of the BB.
I am grateful to have a relationship w/my HP which has many faces.
I am grateful to have "permision" from program to choose a HP that works for me.
I am grateful for my sponsees who keep me "plugged in" to the program.
I am grateful for service that forces me to be program involved, even when I don't want too.
I am grateful for a job that is not overly stressful.
I am grateful I have a relative that allows me to drive their vehicle.
I am grateful for a beautiful day.
I am grateful my body still works....and works well despite how badly I treated it.
I am grateful that today, I love myself.
I am grateful for TRG....which was here when I had no f2f meetings.
I love my loops! Very grateful.
I am really grateful for the 12 steps which have changed my life.
I am grateful for laughter.
I am grateful to go for a walk on my lunch instead of binging on 2-3 meals while driving deadly.
I love my life today!

2007-10-18T11:25:00.001-05:00

I had a whacked out dreams last night & it was really meaningful.
The last one (I had just as I woke up) involved my father. He has always been a trigger person for me & in general a negative force in my life. We have really worked at developing a relationship the past 10 years however and I was devastated when he told me he is moving across the country with his wife. He is however, very, very controlling. So I have been staying away from him not because I don't love him, but because I no longer want to be controlled by anyone but my HP.
Last night I dreamt I went to visit him before he left for Vegas. He wanted/demaded I get in the truck & that I drive. I did as he said but then he said put the truck in reverse & drive as fast as you can. I said, "No way!! Why would I drive backwards." In the weird way dreams can magically make things happen he made the vehicle drive like 60 mph....but I had to steer while the truck went backwards. I was screaming desperately!! "Stop, stop, Oh my God!!!!!!!!!" I was terrified!!! I knew I was going to die!
As I woke up I realized that this move of my fathers is one of those blessings in disguise. He always wants me to live my own life....as long as I make the choices HE wants me to make. He is always wanting me to steer my life, but only where, when, & how he tells me. I think this is one of HP's ways of making sure I "grow up". Removing one of my very controlling parents from me. I wonder what will happen with the other one! :D

2007-10-18T10:56:00.001-05:00

wrote to someone in paticular but wanted to share my ESH with myloopies.I too have struggled all my life with food and was inprogram31/2 years with no abstinence....though I thought I was doingwhat Ineeded to (sponsor, step work, service, etc). The truth isthat in orderto recover the first thing *I* needed to do was putdown the food. I wasnot capable of the honesty neccessary to workthe steps while I was usingmy drug. Using my drug automaticallymakes me a liar, a sneak, a fraud.Abstinence is a gift....but it isa gift I give myself! My HP is alwaysgiving me everything, but Ido not always choose to recieve. What I hadto struggle with is thatsometimes a gift doesn't seem like something youwant. I rememberbeing fired from a job I was very good at. They said Iwas the bestat my job when I was there....but I was not there enough. Iwas notthere enough because I was struggling with this disease &depression (now I see the depression was caused by the foods I waseating). At the time being fired didn't seem like a gift. I hatedeveryone involved with this, including my conception of God at thetime. I thought I was drowning, dying. People were trying to killme...it didnot seem like a gift. Looking back it was a gift!!!! Itwas the strawthat broke the camels back for me. It was one of themany things thatled to a suicide attempt. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, doesn'tlook like a gift yet,does it? But that led to me going to anintensive outpatient therapyprogram which helped me process a lot ofdeep & intense pain. It wasthe beginning of what was to be along road back to recovery & OA. Without the "gift" ofbeing fired....I would have stayed in aneverlasting sea of misery.That was a long illustration to show whatabstinence was like for meat first. It was NOT easy. It didn't seemlike a gift...it seemedlike pain. Detox sucked! It wasn't fun to NOTturn to food when Iwas bored, uncomfortable, lonely, or in pain. Food& eating WASmy major source of entertainment. It was the carrot thatgot me upto go to work in the morning...it was everything. Food was myGod. Followed closely by television and sexually acting out. I made achoice to not eat my binge & trigger foods. I had made a decisiontonot eat this or that a thousand times but then would turn around& eatit. This was my first stab at integrity. It was hard. Iliterally hadto sit on my hands once to keep me from eating(something I heard in ameeting once). I had to distract myselfconstantly. But after a coupleof months it got easier, a loteasier. One of my distractions was goingto online meetings. I wasgoing to 3 & 4 a day. That is what Ineeded to make it throughdetox. Any lengths is what I agreed to, and I amproof that it can bedone. It does mean living through the pain ofdenying yourselfpleasure (though that pleasure is fleeting, and causes aninfiniteamount of pain later). The good news is that once you clean outyourbody of the toxic/allergic substances the physical cravings go away. The step work will help you change your reactions to life. The toolshelpdeal with the mental obsession until the step work promises meetyou. Thephysical abstinence takes care of the phyicaldesires/cravings for food. I do not eat ANY sugar except fruit. Even that I eat it with fat &protein to help modify how itaffects my blood sugar. I have eveneliminated certain fruits frommy diet because they don't make me feelgood when I eat them. Theymake me crave more, and I am spoiled now. Idon't like physical ormental cravings. I would rather do without thefood....it makes lifeso much easier. I do have the promises however so ifI accidentlyingest something with sugar in it I find that I do recoilfrom it asif it were a hot flame. So I have more freedom now that I didwhen Iwas first abstinent. I really didn't eat out at first. Now I findthat I can...though I am careful. If I try something that has sugar initthat I didn't expect or was told didn't....and it affects me, Istopeating it. I had something recently out that I am sure musthave had somesugar in it...though I didn't taste it. It didn'tbother me at allthough. It reminded me of the time I was with mysober alcoholic lover. We were eating something & I discoveredafter we were done there wasalcohol in it. He was unconcerned and Ididn't understand (sure he wouldbe drunk any second now &wouldn't stop drinking) but he explained tome that "he hadceased fighting anything or anyone--evenalcohol.....he reacted"sanely and normally" and this happenednaturally. I didn'tget it at the time, but now I do. After awhile ofworking theprogram you begin to react normally to food, so accidentlyingestingone of my trigger/binge foods doesn't kill me. However that isahuge leap from deliberately ingesting these foods....which is a smackinthe face of my HP. It means I am doing MY will & not my HP'sWill. Ihave eaten foods in a restaurant I thought would be OK butas soon as Itaste it I recoil from it. It is good to know my HPprotects me by givingme back my body's senses. In the past I soabused food that I lost"normal" reactions to food. Icould eat insane amounts of food,and not be full. I could ingest somuch sugar I am shocked I didn't dieof shock. I lost my taste budsability to taste food normally. I havebeen abstinent 1 year & 4months and my taste buds reset back tonormality. My ability tosense hunger & fullness is returning. Myreactions to food arenormalizing. I started out abstaining from sugar(all forms butfruit) & wheat, desserts & my personal binge &triggerfoods (which pretty much encompased anything w/sugar &wheat!) But I had some biggie foods that needed to be listed seperatelybecause foods that mimick them without these substances are too muchforme. It seemed like giving them up was like giving up my bestfriend. Nowit is a blessing. I am free!!!!!!!!!!! I don't WANT topick up thosefoods. To me they signify being imprisoned & inpain. Being free ofthem, out from under their grip, is a gift. Laterin my abstinence Irealized that flour was an issue for me. I waseating a paticularnon-wheat flour everyday...craving it. I decidedto experiment & giveup flour for a few days and see how I felt. I felt even freer. I haven'thad any since. To me flour is aprocessed substance that makes my drugeasier to deliver. Although Ido eat oatmeal that I occasionaly grinddown....just not to the samedegree as processed flours. I do eat brownrice and cereals andother whole grains. Just not wheat & flours& pastas. Idon't even miss them. I do not fear eating out anymore. I stayedaway from eating out when I first got abstinent. Gradually Iwouldtry it. Based on how well I did would usually determine how long itwas before I tried it again. Now it isn't even an issue except thatIlike & prefer eating at home the food I cook. But if I have toeatout (traveling for instance) I do & I don't worry. I alwaysbringabstinent food just in case....but often I find something onthe menu. Astime goes by I trust myself more & more because Itrust my HP more& more. I went to an amusement park lastweekend. I hit a low pointwith my blood sugar and was ready to gohome (after only 3 hours). Myniece was terribly dissapointed. Iknew I needed hot food. I had myabstinent dressing on me so a saladwas fine but I needed something hot(it was really cold!) So I stoodin line thinking at a Italian placethinking "there is nothing Ican eat here hot" and HP put thisvery bossy, loud woman next tome. Here was a gift in disguise. As sheimpaled me with her loud,bossy attitude (and me getting more irritable bythe second as myblood sugar dropped) it came out that she used to managethisparticular restaurant. She was a head honcho in the park yearsearlier & though she was retired she was a wealth of info. Turnsouther husband had a severe allergy & she was used to navigatingtherestaurants. She KNEW what I could & couldn't trust here. Shefigured out the eggplant & sauce (I would never dare try onmy own)should be fine. No wheat or flour in it at all. I wasworried therewould be too much cheese on it & sugar in thesauce. But the cheesewas clumpy on top & easy to remove &the sauce wasn't sweet &didn't trigger me at all. It gave mejust what I needed and I ended upclosing the park with my niece& we had a ball!! The next day wasbusiness as usual with myabstinence. I really feel that my HP put thiswoman there to helpme. (She also got us front row seats to a SRO showwhile we ate aswell as a "special" discount!) Then she left ourlives! Itrusted myself enough at this point in my abstinence to put downthefood if it triggered me & to survive the cravings. Everythingjust worked out. I have also been in a situation where I have eatenafood that SHOULD have been purely abstinent but one bite revealeditWASN'T a safe food for me. I put it down & lived through thecravingsfor a few hours and lived to be abstinent another day. Thisis how itworked for me. I really stay away from all processed foods& foodswith chemicals (long ingrediant lists) and try to eatfoods my HP put onthe planet in their natural forms (whole grains,vegetables, fruits, nuts(raw & unsalted....like HP made them)& seeds. Natural, natural,natural. If I eat a natural foodthat triggers me....I put it down. Recently I had to put downcashews & bannanas as they caused cravingsin me. I tried toreintroduce cashews....but they caused cravings....so Iput it backdown. But I only tried to do this after I was really securein myabstinence. I tried to stay away from anything remotely"iffy" in the beginning. MY food plan has changedduring myabstinence because your body has normalized and I also Ibecome less &less willing to "suffer" cravings. Idon't know what my foodplan will be next month, next year, nextdecade. Only my HP knows. But Iknow what I can safely eat todayand not have physical and mentalcravings. I KNOW there are certainfoods I cannot eat safely, EVER. These include ice cream, macaroni& cheese, cake & pastries, bread, etc. I have so abusedthese foods....I have eaten enough forseveral people for severallifetimes. I have given up the right to safelyeat these foods. Iam fine with that, I no longer miss them. They do notsignal joy orhappiness anymore...just pain & suffering. I have livedwithoutthem long enough to get sane. My sane brain tells me they arepoisonfor me & choosing to eat them will never be the right choice. But I make this decision daily...just like an alcoholic. AlcoholicsKNOWalcohol will never be OK for them to drink again....but thedecision tonot drink alcohol is made daily, everyday they are alive.That is metoo....I am an addict. Honesty tells me I cannot eatthese foods again. But I can only make choices NOW. So for this dayI choose to maintainthis beautiful gift of abstinence, which I givemyself. Thanks to my stepwork given to me by my wonderful sponsor,I have a connection to infiniteHP & I have integrity to livethis daily promise. Amy M. COE/FA/addicted tovolume Age: 40 Height: 5'11" 1/4" Top Weight:Appox 430-450lbs Starting OA weight: 333lbs Current weight 180lbs Date of Abstinence 6/17/06 Food plan: No sugar, wheat,flour, binge or trigger foods, desserts Why I got abstinent:"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was morepainful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

2007-10-17T10:16:00.000-05:00

This is something another coe wrote on a loop. It was so beautiful I didn't want to forget it.

"I now understand that I am no more (or less) a precious and intentional expression of HP's Creation than a brilliant star in the Universe, a vast ocean, a glorious tree, or a tiny, smooth grain of sand. "

2007-09-26T09:10:00.000-05:00

Food memories.....
Wheat thins were one of my favorite binge foods. I used to eat them with strawberry cream cheese. I remember the first day I tried this combination. It was on the way back from a trip to visit my aunt in Pennsylvania. My parents wanted a quiet car ride home & they knew personalized snacks always shut us children up. I got my very own box of wheat thins that day, and my own package of strawberry cream cheese. I had never eaten cream cheese before and never had any other kind since. I remember the orgasmic feeling of gripping my own box & feeling the sweet chemical taste of slippery strawberry cream on top of salty sugar crackers. I never forgot that feeling and tried to duplicate it hundreds of times since.

Pizza was a favorite binge food of mine. I used to order 2 large pizzas from Papa John’s with several butter sauces & extra cheese. I would devour one immediately and save the second for later when my food hangover set in & I needed a fix.

My favorite all time binge food was ice cream. Especially strawberry milkshakes from McDonalds. Before I got abstinent last year I was up to 4 a day. It would have been more if they served them before lunch. I used to hit 2 – 3 different McDonalds on the way home from work everyday. If I didn’t hit McDonalds it was only because Klondike’s were on sale 2 for $5. That would get me through 24 hours.

I actually had a form of abstinence before I came back to OA. It was broken by soy ice cream. I knew ice cream was a problem for me so I had abstained for 6 months. But I was still ingesting sugar in the form of flour so the cravings never abated. One day, standing in front of the freezer at Ukrops’s I thought….soy ice cream is healthy. It’s a health food…no problem there! I ended up hitting Ukrops daily for months to get 4 pints of tofutti. I just couldn’t get enough. Shortly after trying the toffuti I was eating non-stop again….and gained back ½ the weight it had taken me a year and a ½ to lose. It took 3 months to gain it back.

Pastries are another big trigger for me. Sugar/flour/wheat….the holy trinity. The only thing better than pastries, pastries with ice cream in them. Toward the end of my binging I was eating an entire ice cream cake a day. Pop tarts were my inexpensive pastry of choice. If it was pay day it was the fancy pastry case at the local grocery store that held my attention.

Cheese, hard cheese, is a huge trigger for me…as is wheat. Anything that combined these two was deadly for me. Macaroni & cheese was #3 on my all time binge foods list with spaghetti a close third.
Cool whip was a favorite binge food of mine….that specific brand. I used to buy 2 at a time. One to eat as a dessert with chocolate pudding or strawberries….and one to eat by itself frozen….like ice cream. I got into the habit of eating frozen cool whip because mom used to keep it in the freezer for holiday baking….thawing it out for use. She used to use it…then freeze it. The young coe in me used to sneak into the freezer & take spoonfuls…thinking it would go unnoticed.

2007-09-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

Found some old writings today....written after I had been released from the hospital. I almost died from compulsive overeating. Yo-yo dieting, binging, vomiting, bad food....led to gallbladder disease. That led to pancreatitis and liver problems. It was hell. Here are some excerpts...I had forgotten how bad it was.

It was orange, bright orange, and stained the toilet. But that was not the worst part. It was the stench. The fluid that kept me alive was a sticky, sweet syrup that permeated every pore of my body. I smelled like yeasty blood. But the urine, God! The odor lifted itself to my nostrils before I could move my weak body out of the way. If I had anything resembling food in my stomach I surely would have vomited. But it had been weeks since I had anything to drink let alone eat. Doctors orders, I must starve like those Ethopians mother always told me about. In the land of plenty I was too have none. As I slid my robot companion (I lovingly dubbed him R2D2) past the bathroom door I glimpsed trays upon trays stacked against the far wall. FOOD TRAYS!!!!! Vegetarian that I was, I would kill for some jell-o. Flavored ground bones mixed with water, sloppy cold on a pale gray tray. How wonderful it would be! To roll the coldness against my tongue and teeth. To feel something, anything in my mouth other than the protruding thermometer that sabered itself against the delicate underside of my tongue. Perhaps there could be a dollop of cool whip? Sugared milk whipped to perfection. Creamy white snow atop a glistening green gelatin mountain. Who was to stop me? The nurses busied themselves cackling over some poor wards misery no doubt. They paid no attention to the desperate, dying girl, who would literally die for some jell-o.

I woke up.....alone. i heard the machines working. Beep..............beep.....................beep. Would it never end? Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............pshhhhhhhhhhh.....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It was 2 AM and the clatter ceased to abate outside of my room. The nurses station never slept and the noise grated against my nerves that so needed rest and sleep. The fat nurse with the big painted lips (the only one who could find a vein for my IV now) had said they needed me to be close to the nurses station. I liked her. She told me funny stories and tried to make me laugh as she trolled my arms for sinkholes. I couldn't laugh, but appreciated the effort and intention. I would need her soon. My arm was throbbing with pain. The fluids that kept me alive were hard on my veins. I felt no pain other than the agony in my arm. It was screaming....always screaming. But I had to weigh the consequences of the pain I was feeling now, against the pain of another fishing expedition. My right arm was used up. So was the left now. The thought of walking to the bathroom with those cords hanging between my legs inspired me to keep my finger of the nurse call button. Instead I would sing with the pain, and ride it's waves. Over and over and over, until the morning comes.

Damn them. The TV wasn't working. Didn't they realize there was nothing to do? This was my only salvation until my family got off work to keep me company and take my mind off the agony. Damn them. No cable, no color, a screen 2x2. And that was not torture enough? Damn them all. I would not make it easy for them today. I would fight them with passivity. I would make them give me a sponge bath. I will forget I am here. Beep........beep.........beep.

"You may take two umbrella steps."

"Mother, may I?"

"Yes, you may."

As gracefully as I could I moved my left arm in a swan-like arch towards the sky letting my left hand gently come to rest on the top of my head like a brownie beanie. I moved my right arm away from me until it hovered above the floor as if suspended by invisible strings. I was my mothers play puppet; my every move dictated by her whim. I smiled dutifully, and took one step forward, swinging my body round in a dainty circle twice fulfilling my mother command.

"Andy, you may take three toad hops."

His hair was rough & unruly and ran about his heat like a rambunctious two year old. His eyes were nearly invisible as he beamed his response back to mother."

"Mother may I!?"

"Yes, you may."

Andrew squatted with his arms between his legs and leapt forward thrice with all the might his chubby little body could muster....

I was awake now. The painful organ no longer troubled me while I slept under a haze of morphine. I felt....nothing. Somehow, this seemed more dangerous than the pain.

Mother stood above me. She was smiling but she could not hide her anxiety from me. Damn her! Don't hide it. Be worried. Be AFRAID! I need to feel. Someone needs to feel. Fear, fear keeps him away.

2007-09-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

Oh....and I forgot to write about what I was angry with right NOW! So as soon as my mom said what she said I started to think to myself. "My God she is crazy!!! What kind of woman would have affiars in 2 out of 3 marriages, and make her children complicit. What kind of woman would marry a known sex offender? What kind of woman would make her daughter feel guilty to tell on her sex offender husband?" So all these thoughts just run through my mind & I realize that being angry with my mother now brings me right back to that anger from yesteryear. So I obviously haven't dealt with it yet. And I am still so upset. I did not overeat my lunch but it is like....not digesting. Just sitting there making me sick.

2007-09-16T13:17:00.000-05:00

I am very frustrated & upset at the moment. First I had my sponsor ask me to make plans to go somewhere with her in about 6 months. It is not expensive and she thought that would give me time to save for it.

What she doesn't understand is that kind of money (while very little to most people) is an overwhelming amount to me right now. I am just trying to keep my head above water and to try & do it without getting a second job! It would be irresponsible for me to spend that kind of money....but I don't think she gets it. She is much wealthier than I.

So I am upset about that.

On top of that my mother (whom I live with and is a coe & compulsive spender/hoarder/animal getter) is on a new kick. She wants to buy baby chicks & raise them. She thinks they will feed us (their eggs). We go through 1 dozen eggs a week each. It costs us $5 a week. I twould cost more than that to buy each chick....and feed them, house them, and who knows if they will lay eggs? Plus we live where wolves will probably just eat them. She is compulsively talking about around me (and with her dogs) and it is driving me crazy. She started to talk about it with me (again) and I told her I didn't want to talk to her about this issue anymore. That she was getting compulsive with it. She got very angry & went in her room & shut the door (to let me know she was angry). Then she came out & confronted me. To her credit she did not yell (proud of her) but was still trying to control MY behavior. I started involuntarily shaking & have not stopped. My energy is just exhausted at this point. I have eaten and still not stopped shaking. I am so upset (I am not used to confrontations). Anyway....that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

2007-09-07T13:31:00.000-05:00

This is in response to a question someone asked me:
YES!!! I have felt this way. Many times. Actually, I have been so depressed because of my obesity & eating...that I tried to kill myself. Not a cry for help way...a "let's end it all because life sucks" way.
I have struggled with this disease around 25+ years. I have really hit bottom. I have been in recovery over a year and you know what...I am struggling with the food MORE now than this time last year.
That is not to depress you at all. It is to tell you that there are different stages in recovery. Now I "get" what people mean by the pink cloud experience. That is what it was like in the beginning. Recovery is like a river. Some parts of it are calm & clear. Sometimes there are rapids and the water is muddy. But the river moves on...everything, even the hard times, they pass.
Now that I am in recovery, when the food gets tough...even when I lapse in my eating plan (volume...I haven't had any of my binge or trigger foods) I worry enough to step up my recovery plan (that is the purpose of stress...to get you moving) but I don't worry too much as I know....this too shall pass.
I really recognize myself in you where you talk about saying, "F_ck you" and eating the food even though you know you're hurting yourself. It is an issue of control. I WILL control my life...or my death. I WILL control how you (the world) see me. I WILL control what goes in my mouth....even if I CHOOSE to be out of control. I so get it.
The first thing I do to stay abstinent is to have a sponsor. I email my food to my sponsor daily (even when I feel it is too much). It is hard...but it is a discipline. Now it is just automatic. I have been tempted to fudge it sometimes...but I don't out of fear. Because I know that what I am doing is working. I make my weekly phone call to her (in another country) because I promised to do so. Many times I do not want to. Sometimes I call and say I'm getting right off...but I always make the call. Now I have to live in integrity, now that I am in recovery.
The second thing I do when I am iffy is go to meetings! We are lucky to have access to online meetings. Every 3 hours we can get recovery. I can guarantee 1 meeting a day. When I first came into recovery I went to one meeting a day for several months. I did anything it took. On weekends I would sometimes go to every meeting I wasn't asleep for. I was willing to go to any lengths.
Phone calls, emails, and the loops also help me. I belong to several loops so I can "hear" a lot of recovery.
I do LOTS of service too!
Looking at the list I can see I am using the tools!!! So I guess that might work for you too! One of the biggest things that help my recovery is too sponsor. There is a reason for this. You are GUARANTEED recovery contact daily. One of my sponsees is required to call every morning. This helps her recovery and helps her come out of isolation. But it really helps me too...because I am guaranteed 1 recovery phone call a day. Just a quickie...but it is something. Also I get emails from all my sponsees daily (their food) which requires a response from me...even though that response is always the same, good job!
When I first got abstinent I had to play a lot of games with myself. I had to play the....you can have something to eat in 1/2 hr game....and then when that 1/2 hr was over add another...and so on until meal time. I played video games to keep my hands busy (sometimes for several hours...rollercoaster tycoon & diner dash until I mastered every scenario). I sat on my hands...promised myself I wouldn't eat while watching tv & then watched a movie...made a phone call, took a bubble bath, I even have gone to bed to keep myself from eating.
Recently I have been having trouble with eating too much at night. I had to reach back into my trick bag again & use some of these techniques. They really work for me & they are helping me get on track before the engine derails. Hot tea & broth, or a huge glass of water quiet & growling stomach (the physical) while these activities distract my mind.
I hope this helps!

2007-08-15T08:06:00.001-05:00

"it is about the food, until it is no longer about the food."

2007-08-13T07:31:00.000-05:00

OK....just got back from my therapist & I need to write this down before I forget and get all confused. I need to determine an end weight for myself. I have been too restrictive with my food and I am also afraid of gaining weight. I was going to let my therapist decide for me, or a nutrionist. But my therapist suggested *I* need to make the decision for myself. I made it but didn't like it in her office so I have decided to revise it and commit to this.

I am at 180lbs now. I am committing to not gaining more than 5lbs or less than 20 lbs from that weight for the next 6 months. I am also not actively going to TRY and lose weight. I am going to keep my binge & trigger foods the same. But I will eat when I am hungry, within reason. I know that I will make mistakes and that is OK. If I see the scale start to slide up I need to work my program harder. I need to not starve myself. I need to not try and lose weight. I need to not gain weight. I should maintain....but weight loss is OK.

2007-08-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

This is Amy again and I wanted to share the reaction of a boundary I set with my mother. It helps to talk about this.
TV used to be my second best friend, with food being my BFF (best friend forever!) My two best friends and I spent a lot of time together. We spent time with another good friend of mine, my mother.
My mother and I would often watch junk t.v. & eat junk food. "WE" had special t.v. shows which would call for a binge. One of these shows was a television show called Big Brother. It's a reality show where they stick a whole bunch of strangers in a house with no entertainment and with challenges. They get bored, scheme & obsess, stab each other in the back, binge eat & exercise, have sex, and cause trouble for one another. I thoughourly enjoyed the show pre-recovery.
As my recovery progresses I watch very little television. What I do watch is more high brow programming or learning channel stuff. I stay away from sexually explicit material, news & depression causing material, I try to stay enlightened. Well the new Big Brother season was getting ready to start. My mother (whom I live with) was so excited she went out and bought an HDTV and got Showtime so she could see the new show Big Brother after dark which is on 3 hours a night!! It shows stuff they can't show on t.v. like cursing & nudity. I began to think about it. 3-4 hours of televsion I would feel required to watch a day. Hanging out with my mother who is definately a trigger personality. Being exposed to less than healthy behavior....this stuff is no longer for me.
The night the show was to begin I was actually agonizing over it. My mother called me a minute before it began...."come over, it's getting ready to start!". I said (actually, my HP said...because I am not that strong) "Actually, television isn't a healthy behavior for me. This show in paticular isn't. I'm not going to watch this season."
She was taken aback. It has probably been a month and I have not watched one episode, and believe it or not, my life is just fine!!!! Hmmmmm, I survived.
Well yesterday my mother let me know how she feels about it. It's a long boring story but she did something to the television so that I cannot control what tapes on my t.v. (I do like to tape & watch some healthy television shows....particularly about obesity). She let me know that she will be controlling the taping of all television shows, including what tapes on my t.v., as I no longer watch liking television. (See the addict black & white thinking there?) She was literally spitting as she said this, seething with anger. There was such visiousness and hate in her voice it really took me aback.
I realize that as a co-dependent and addict herself she has a lot to deal with. I am her only friend, besides food and television. It must be very scary for her right now. I am growing up (finally) and seperating from her. She must feel the umbilical cord being ripped from her.
I cannot control her. If she feels it neccessary to exert such control over me I can only let go and let God. Thankfully I can live without television now. And every single incident like this reminds me why it is so vitally important for me to keep my recovery, grow up, and seperate from her. Unbeknowst to her everytime she acts out like this I move farther and farther from her. Usually this means she will act out more, and violently. This is the way of children...even when they are sixty years old. But eventually (with time and patience) they do learn not to cross boundaries.
Yesterday I left the house. I had a bag with a present I bought for my father on my desk. When I got home it had been moved and obviously opened. My mother came to my room to ask how my day was. I asked her if she had opened the bag. I did not care if she saw what was in the bag...I cared that she had once again invaded my privacy. She said she had and that she knew it was OK for her to look because it was for my father, and gee it was cute. (My father, whom she hates, have been divorced for 25 years). I just looked at her, you know....a LOOK! Then I sat down to my computer, and began to ignore her. I do not need to react to this violation. I will not act like a child and yell or lash out. I need to remember this incident as one of the many, many reasons I will not be staying with her until the day she dies. If she wants to have a relationship with me, she will behave like an adult and respect my boundaries, or she will not have me in her life. Until I can leave I will pray for her as I would pray for any sick friend, as the BB says.

2007-08-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

Definition of obsess from The American Heritage Dictionary of The English Language New College Edition.

Obsess - To harass or beset like an evil spirit; haunt as a fixed idea, besiege
Obsession - The state of being beset or actuated by the devil or an evil spirit
Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or unwanted feeling or emotion, often with symptoms of anxiety
A Compulsive, often unreasonable, idea or emotion causing such preoccupation

Has there ever been a better definition of food obsession?

2007-08-05T09:39:00.000-05:00

My Last Binge

I had been dieting on my own for about six months and doing pretty well. When I say I had been on my own I mean sans OA and the fellowship. I was not desperate enough yet to go back there! How humiliating that would be. I was too proud. I didn’t need anyone. I could do this on my own. I had proven it….I was losing weight and “abstinent” for six whole months!

The bingeing actually began several weeks before it started. If that is hard to understand…let me explain. The binge started in my mind as I stood in front of the frozen food section of the natural foods department of my local grocery store. There in front of me was an entire freezer full of soy and tofu ice creams. Ice cream is my number one, all time, major binge food. I had not partaken of it in six months. I was clean. But in that moment something in my brain snapped. Perhaps my fellow shoppers heard the pop. In that moment I reasoned that soy ice cream was a health food – and therefore OK to eat occasionally. After all, here was the proof; these sugar filled treats were in the healthy foods section. Would a supermarket lie to me??? Looking back I can see this was the beginning of my last binge.

At first I tried to measure out the servings. But quickly 1 pint (the whole package) became 1 serving for me. I was counting calories so 1 pint was an entire meal (very healthy huh?) I began the daily trip to this particular supermarket to pick up my daily pint. It was a half hour trip to the market from work, and a half hour back. A one hour round trip to obtain the object of my desire, my love, my new higher power. Soon I was getting two pints a day, one pint to eat while I worked, one pint for my supper at home. Then it was three pints a day. I needed a pint to eat on the way back from the market (while driving!) Then it was four pints a day that I NEEDED. After all, I needed a pint to tide me over on the drive home from work.

While on my daily trip to the market, supposedly for my lunch….I needed to pick up something healthy to eat in front of my co-workers. After all, I didn’t want them thinking I had some kind of problem. I would also purchase a large salad from the salad bar. It would be big enough for a family of four. I poured a quarter of a bottle of olive oil on I and loaded up with desserts from the bar for my “healthy” lunch. It was a necessary purchase as I couldn’t come back from the market everyday with only four pints of sugary treats – that would be insane! No, the fat filled salad proved I was perfectly normal.

Within weeks my addiction spiraled out of control. I was buying several pints of tofutti and soy ice creams everyday along with my thousand calorie salad, potato chips, 2-4 supersize McDonalds shakes with two supersize fries & the two-for-one apple pies, two twelve inch subs from subway, and a pizza pie from the local joint. All of this was eaten in my car as I could not allow anyone to see the volume of food I was eating.

The piece de resistance of my daily binge however, was the ice cream cake. It served eight, unless of course, you were me, in which case it was a daily serving. I was a compulsive overeating genius….managing to hide it in my closet until I could be alone at night to eat it. Only a compulsive overeater could manage to keep an ice cream cake in the closet without melting.

I was spending $50-$100 a day on my binges. All of this started because I thought I could handle a healthy treat. All because I forgot I am a compulsive overeater and food addict – and that I am powerless over my binge foods. Well, I guess there is nothing wrong with a little healthy food experimentation, right? This round of bingeing cost me a lot of money, self-esteem, and a 75lb weight gain. But in the end it is that last binge cycle that sent me into a spiral of desperation. That desperation sent me back to OA, back home. When I came back to OA I weighed 333lbs exactly. I was distraught to find all the OA meetings in my area had closed. Thankfully I found online meetings at the OA website www.oa.org. That first online meeting I attended I found a sponsor and got abstinent. I have been abstinent ever since. It has not always been easy. Getting clean and sober was hard. Detoxing was tough! I have easy days, not so easy days, and days I want to say to hell with abstinence and program. I keep coming back though….and I have maintained abstinence. I started meetings in my local area and attend new meetings that start. Now I have online friends and a local fellowship. Everyday I attend a meeting, make or take a call, read OA literature, call my sponsor, speak with a sponsee, do service or write on my recovery, I am saving my life. It is like putting money in the bank…adding time to my lifespan, storing the serenity. I need to remember that last binge, lest I forget and think once again, I need a sugary treat. I still have the markings on my closet wall from that last birthday ice cream cake (boy, I had a birthday every day!). I need to see it to keep my memory green. I cannot tell you how glad I am to remember that last binge. As long as I can remember it, it will be the last one. Over a year later and down to 180lbs life is worth living again.

Amy

2007-08-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

My Declaration of Independence

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the ties which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and the Laws of the Goddess and God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women and men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -- That to secure these rights, Rules and Boundaries are instituted among people, deriving their just powers from their Creator, -- That whenever any Tyrant becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right and Duty of the oppressed to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Rules and Boundaries, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Rules and Boundaries long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly and all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the insanity and death of an individual under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty , to throw off such Tyranny, and to provide new Guards for their future security. -- Such has been the patient sufferance of Armena Amy Marie; and such is now the necessity which constrains her to alter the relationship between Her and Ed. The history of the tyrant Ed is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over Armena Amy Marie. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Ed has caused me oceans of tears and pain unmentionable.

Ed has caused me to abuse my body. Ed destroyed my metabolism with yo-yo dieting. Ed ruined my bowels by causing me to abuse laxatives. Ed did cause me to become a drug addict while pursuing ways to maintain my weight. Ed did cause me to gorge until I developed pancreatitis and destroyed my organs irreparably. Ed did cause me to gain hundreds of pounds which left me permanently scarred with stretch marks and excess skin. This will necessitate expensive and dangerous surgery to repair leaving me further scarred. Ed did cause me to ruin my teeth by purging.

Ed caused me to gain hundreds of pounds of fat. This fat caused me misery, heartache, and decimated my self-esteem. I became an asexual blob mired in self-hatred because of Ed.

Ed did cause me to suffer decades of clinical depression requiring treatment and medication.

Ed did hereby cause me to attempt suicide both slowly and torturously and the immediate solution..

Ed did cause me to go bankrupt and to be indebted because of the pursuit of food.

Ed did cause me to violate my own morals and belief systems via stealing, lying, and the giving of my body to pursue love and affection.

Ed caused me to feel unloved and unworthy of love.

Ed caused me to feel damaged.

Ed caused me to pursue food, an inanimate object, over and above all things including relationships, love, happiness, security, and friendship.

Ed has caused me to forsake friends, fiancées, and lovers.

In every stage of these Oppressions I have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms. My repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. This man Ed, is not fit to be friend or ally to my person. I have attempted time and time again to negotiate circumstances to our relationship and provide protection for myself. Ed has been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. I must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, and denounce my Separation, and hold Ed, an Enemy in War.

I, therefore, appeal to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of myself & my Maker, solemnly publish and declare, that my Person is and of Right ought to be Free and Independent, that I am Absolved from all Allegiance to ED, and that all political, social, emotional, physical, and metal connections between them be Severed. – And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I pledge to my Higher Power my Life, my Fortune, and my sacred Honor.

2007-07-26T10:56:00.001-05:00

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will beamazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedomand a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut thedoor on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how ourexperience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pitywill disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interestin our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude andoutlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecuritywill leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations whichused to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us whatwe could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We thinknot. They are being fulfilled among us -- sometimes quickly, sometimesslowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." (BB pages83-84).

2007-06-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

PLEA FOR HELP!!

I am asking anyone who reads this blog to write me with information if they can help me. I have lost a total of 260lbs now. I still have some weight to lose....although it is hard to estimate how much I need to lose as I have some fatty deposits and excess skin that need to be surgically removed. This is where you come in. You see, I am rich in many ways now, but not fiscally. I am still paying off debts from surgery to save my life (when I had no health insurance while I attended college). I never did obtain a degree as I had to quit school and go to work to help pay my debts. This leaves me underemployed. I do need to have surgery to remove this excess skin and fatty deposits. I am looking for any way to get this done. If anyone knows of a way please write me. I am looking for a surgeon who would be willing to do pro bono work or delay payment. I am even wanting to get it down at a surgical school if possible where an intern can learn by doing. Or if anyone knows of a way to make medical insurance pay. Any help would be appreciated. I would even go on a tv show and let it all hang out for the world to see for the chance to get this skin cut off of me. So if anyone knows a plastic surgeon willing to help, or knows someone who got insurance to pay or knows a cousin whose married to someone who knew somebody once who worked on Dr.Phil....(you get the idea) who may be able to help. Please let me know. I am putting this out there to the universe because I belive my HP wants me to have this skin removed. And since it is beyond me right now, I am asking for help (and by the way....it is real HARD to ask for help). Thank you for listening.
Amy

2007-06-02T13:47:00.000-05:00

BIG BOOK - Believing In God Beats Our Old Knowledge
ACTION - Any Change To Improve Our Nature
NUTS - Not Using The Steps

2007-06-02T11:37:00.001-05:00

Wanted to share my weight as of June, 1, 2007: 189.5 lbs

2007-06-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

My name is Amy, and I am a very grateful, recovering compulsive overeater and food addict, brought to my knees and having found desperation, I am gratefully abstinent & in recovery today.
This How it works passage is so amazing to me. I don't think I will ever have 100% complete honesty with myself, God, or my fellows...but I try. The more I work the program, the more honest I become. It really does work. There are more layers to this onion than I could even concieve of so I don't bother trying too, I just peel the layer I am on. Like with most onions I shed some tears, but fortunately I love onions! There is sweetness there too.
My first time around in OA I truly was one of the failures. The only thing I did right was come to meetings....but after awhile I gave up on that too. I did not work the steps, I never put down the food, I did not befriend the abstinent, only the bingers like me, I just did not work the program. I gained weight in OA and my food spun out of control.
This time around in OA I was desperate to recover. I had to be put on my knees with nowhere else to go, backed into a corner, before I was willing to follow the "suggestions" of the program. The BB wisdom is so brilliant...no requirements....just "suggestions". They knew my addict brain would rebel against requirements. The truth is however, that if you want the promises of the program, you MUST follow the suggestions. Half measures avail us nothing. I needed to have the wind knocked out of me before I would follow the suggestions given. I came back to OA desperate enough to follow, and behold, I have the promises. There is nothing special about me, all are called, few CHOOSE to answer the call, but all can.
Today I am one of the winners. I greet & befriend newcomers, because they keep me green. I share what I have with those who are currently unable to put down the food, because I I need to share recovery in order to keep it. I stick with the winners when it comes to working my program, because I want to continue being one of them.
When I was morbidly obese I used to ask my fellow obese dieters what they were doing. I heard a man, I think it was Covert Bailey, talk about this phenomenon. He said words to the effect that, if you are fat and want to be thin....don't ask what a fat person does to lose weight, ask what a thin person does not to gain it!"
OA is like that for me. I ask and do what those who have abstinence and have maintained it longer than me do. Then I do it!! It has worked for me so far. I am saddened when, in my f2f meetings, I see people share the same share, week after week, never realizing they are doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. This is the definition of insanity. I can only share my ESH and pray they keep coming back until they have the strength to follow the suggestions. But I do not allow myself to dwell in the problem with them, I instead to live in the solution.
Thank you for reading,

2007-05-29T15:48:00.000-05:00

T.R.U.S.T. - Try Really Using Step Three
P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens
B,L.O.A.T.E.D. - (don't get too:) Bored, Lonely, Overwhelmed, Anxious, Tired, Excited or Depressed

2007-05-28T18:18:00.000-05:00

It's me and I have to tell my story at a face to face meeting and at an online meeting. I was in the writing mood and done procrastinating so this is my story. It is not polished at all and needs editing. But here it is! Enjoy!