Reignfyre Recovery

2008-05-18T08:13:00.001-05:00

10:00 2 slices cheese & 2 oranges12:00 2 bowls salad w/salsa & 1 (2) bannana & 1c? milk milkshake3:00 5 slices cheese, 1/4 c pecans & 3 oranges
Well, that was the good part of the day! Then I got it in my head to binge. Went to the store...had the items on the counter & decided I didn't even want it....but bought it anyway. Well, there is some good news in this.
1) I didn't even eat 1/2 of what I bought2) I didn't eat until I was sick3) I was sick of sweet
Big trigger here was my period. I crave chocalate 1 day a month....guess what day was yesterday?
I also got up and weighed myself this morning. I am at 252 from 185 (that is how fast I gain weight. And no I am not crying about it. I have been afraid to weigh all this time but this morning I was ready for some reason....to face the facts. Weird. Anyway....this is what I recall eating last night...
1 slice of angel food cakea container of ice cream1/2 a container of marshmallow cream3/4 a container of chocalate syrupa few yogurt covered raisins6 or 7 chocalate mint candies1 container (serv) mac & cheesebowl of crackers
I think that was it. Starting over this morning. Yesterday would have been 2 years abstinent! Oh well....life begins again if we are not dead!

2008-05-17T12:57:00.001-05:00

I am a coe & fa, that is why I choose to medicate my feelings with food (as opposed to another substance or behavior). I believe I was born an addict, possibly even specifically a food addict, and definitely groomed to be a food addict by life's circumstances. But why am I an addict was not the question.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I binge knowing eventually I will die from morbid obesity, heart attack, cancer, pancreatic attack, slitting my wrists? Because I don't want to feel. I want to be numb. I am scared of my feelings, the world, and most of all of being out of control of what will happen next. Large quantities of food numb me to pain & caring about what will happen next. And if those large quantities of food are sugary, I get some temporary pleasure thrown in for the ride.
Yes, large quantities of food numb my pain, but it also numbs *all* my feelings. I lose the ability to be human without my feelings. I lose me.
The BB says why I am an addict is unimportant, and I think that is correct. I do happen to know the why's, but it has never helped me manage the addiction. Why's gives me some great excuses to NOT recover, lots of fodder for therapy, lots of justification for my actions, and a lot of resentments too. But the why has never helped treat the addiction.
If I have an infection ravaging my body...well, knowing the why may help prevent me from getting the infection again, or it may not. But the treatment is known without the why....antibiotics. Hook me up doc!
The same with this disease. I know the why's and it has never helped. But the treatment is there, in the BB, 164 pages worth. You can condense it down into 12 steps, 12 traditions, & 12 concepts. Thank God my food addled brain doesn't even have to do that. I can just sit in meetings and absorb the message until I am straight enough to think again. Thank God for the slogans which make the message simple enough for my complicating & dissecting brain. Thank God for a sponsor who never gives up on me, though I give up on myself often. Thank God for a HP that is always there for me, though I often forget to ask for help. Thank God for miracles, which save my butt when I need it even though I shun the solution.
My name is Amy, and I am a hopeless, dying, and depressed food addict and compulsive overeater when I am using. Life is shitty when I am using, regardless of my true life circumstances.
My name is Amy, and I am a hopeful, recovering, feeling, learning, growing, compulsive overeater and food addict in recovery today. My life circumstances are unchanged, but today I am hopeful. The sun always shines a little brighter when I am in recovery.
Thanks

2007-10-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

I am doing step work & this is a major revelation for me. I just realized why my self-esteem is so badly hurt when someone treats me poorly. I think that when others treat me bad I deserve it! I assume that others treating me badly means that I must be bad. I have done something or they wouldn't treat me bad. The truth is 99% of the time when someone treats me bad it probably has nothing to do with me!!!!!

2007-10-18T11:25:00.003-05:00

I am grateful to be abstinent!
I am grateful to have a sponsor.
I am grateful to have program friends where I live & in other countries.
I am grateful for the wisdom of the BB.
I am grateful to have a relationship w/my HP which has many faces.
I am grateful to have "permision" from program to choose a HP that works for me.
I am grateful for my sponsees who keep me "plugged in" to the program.
I am grateful for service that forces me to be program involved, even when I don't want too.
I am grateful for a job that is not overly stressful.
I am grateful I have a relative that allows me to drive their vehicle.
I am grateful for a beautiful day.
I am grateful my body still works....and works well despite how badly I treated it.
I am grateful that today, I love myself.
I am grateful for TRG....which was here when I had no f2f meetings.
I love my loops! Very grateful.
I am really grateful for the 12 steps which have changed my life.
I am grateful for laughter.
I am grateful to go for a walk on my lunch instead of binging on 2-3 meals while driving deadly.
I love my life today!

2007-10-18T11:25:00.001-05:00

I had a whacked out dreams last night & it was really meaningful.
The last one (I had just as I woke up) involved my father. He has always been a trigger person for me & in general a negative force in my life. We have really worked at developing a relationship the past 10 years however and I was devastated when he told me he is moving across the country with his wife. He is however, very, very controlling. So I have been staying away from him not because I don't love him, but because I no longer want to be controlled by anyone but my HP.
Last night I dreamt I went to visit him before he left for Vegas. He wanted/demaded I get in the truck & that I drive. I did as he said but then he said put the truck in reverse & drive as fast as you can. I said, "No way!! Why would I drive backwards." In the weird way dreams can magically make things happen he made the vehicle drive like 60 mph....but I had to steer while the truck went backwards. I was screaming desperately!! "Stop, stop, Oh my God!!!!!!!!!" I was terrified!!! I knew I was going to die!
As I woke up I realized that this move of my fathers is one of those blessings in disguise. He always wants me to live my own life....as long as I make the choices HE wants me to make. He is always wanting me to steer my life, but only where, when, & how he tells me. I think this is one of HP's ways of making sure I "grow up". Removing one of my very controlling parents from me. I wonder what will happen with the other one! :D

2007-10-18T10:56:00.001-05:00

wrote to someone in paticular but wanted to share my ESH with myloopies.I too have struggled all my life with food and was inprogram31/2 years with no abstinence....though I thought I was doingwhat Ineeded to (sponsor, step work, service, etc). The truth isthat in orderto recover the first thing *I* needed to do was putdown the food. I wasnot capable of the honesty neccessary to workthe steps while I was usingmy drug. Using my drug automaticallymakes me a liar, a sneak, a fraud.Abstinence is a gift....but it isa gift I give myself! My HP is alwaysgiving me everything, but Ido not always choose to recieve. What I hadto struggle with is thatsometimes a gift doesn't seem like something youwant. I rememberbeing fired from a job I was very good at. They said Iwas the bestat my job when I was there....but I was not there enough. Iwas notthere enough because I was struggling with this disease &depression (now I see the depression was caused by the foods I waseating). At the time being fired didn't seem like a gift. I hatedeveryone involved with this, including my conception of God at thetime. I thought I was drowning, dying. People were trying to killme...it didnot seem like a gift. Looking back it was a gift!!!! Itwas the strawthat broke the camels back for me. It was one of themany things thatled to a suicide attempt. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, doesn'tlook like a gift yet,does it? But that led to me going to anintensive outpatient therapyprogram which helped me process a lot ofdeep & intense pain. It wasthe beginning of what was to be along road back to recovery & OA. Without the "gift" ofbeing fired....I would have stayed in aneverlasting sea of misery.That was a long illustration to show whatabstinence was like for meat first. It was NOT easy. It didn't seemlike a gift...it seemedlike pain. Detox sucked! It wasn't fun to NOTturn to food when Iwas bored, uncomfortable, lonely, or in pain. Food& eating WASmy major source of entertainment. It was the carrot thatgot me upto go to work in the morning...it was everything. Food was myGod. Followed closely by television and sexually acting out. I made achoice to not eat my binge & trigger foods. I had made a decisiontonot eat this or that a thousand times but then would turn around& eatit. This was my first stab at integrity. It was hard. Iliterally hadto sit on my hands once to keep me from eating(something I heard in ameeting once). I had to distract myselfconstantly. But after a coupleof months it got easier, a loteasier. One of my distractions was goingto online meetings. I wasgoing to 3 & 4 a day. That is what Ineeded to make it throughdetox. Any lengths is what I agreed to, and I amproof that it can bedone. It does mean living through the pain ofdenying yourselfpleasure (though that pleasure is fleeting, and causes aninfiniteamount of pain later). The good news is that once you clean outyourbody of the toxic/allergic substances the physical cravings go away. The step work will help you change your reactions to life. The toolshelpdeal with the mental obsession until the step work promises meetyou. Thephysical abstinence takes care of the phyicaldesires/cravings for food. I do not eat ANY sugar except fruit. Even that I eat it with fat &protein to help modify how itaffects my blood sugar. I have eveneliminated certain fruits frommy diet because they don't make me feelgood when I eat them. Theymake me crave more, and I am spoiled now. Idon't like physical ormental cravings. I would rather do without thefood....it makes lifeso much easier. I do have the promises however so ifI accidentlyingest something with sugar in it I find that I do recoilfrom it asif it were a hot flame. So I have more freedom now that I didwhen Iwas first abstinent. I really didn't eat out at first. Now I findthat I can...though I am careful. If I try something that has sugar initthat I didn't expect or was told didn't....and it affects me, Istopeating it. I had something recently out that I am sure musthave had somesugar in it...though I didn't taste it. It didn'tbother me at allthough. It reminded me of the time I was with mysober alcoholic lover. We were eating something & I discoveredafter we were done there wasalcohol in it. He was unconcerned and Ididn't understand (sure he wouldbe drunk any second now &wouldn't stop drinking) but he explained tome that "he hadceased fighting anything or anyone--evenalcohol.....he reacted"sanely and normally" and this happenednaturally. I didn'tget it at the time, but now I do. After awhile ofworking theprogram you begin to react normally to food, so accidentlyingestingone of my trigger/binge foods doesn't kill me. However that isahuge leap from deliberately ingesting these foods....which is a smackinthe face of my HP. It means I am doing MY will & not my HP'sWill. Ihave eaten foods in a restaurant I thought would be OK butas soon as Itaste it I recoil from it. It is good to know my HPprotects me by givingme back my body's senses. In the past I soabused food that I lost"normal" reactions to food. Icould eat insane amounts of food,and not be full. I could ingest somuch sugar I am shocked I didn't dieof shock. I lost my taste budsability to taste food normally. I havebeen abstinent 1 year & 4months and my taste buds reset back tonormality. My ability tosense hunger & fullness is returning. Myreactions to food arenormalizing. I started out abstaining from sugar(all forms butfruit) & wheat, desserts & my personal binge &triggerfoods (which pretty much encompased anything w/sugar &wheat!) But I had some biggie foods that needed to be listed seperatelybecause foods that mimick them without these substances are too muchforme. It seemed like giving them up was like giving up my bestfriend. Nowit is a blessing. I am free!!!!!!!!!!! I don't WANT topick up thosefoods. To me they signify being imprisoned & inpain. Being free ofthem, out from under their grip, is a gift. Laterin my abstinence Irealized that flour was an issue for me. I waseating a paticularnon-wheat flour everyday...craving it. I decidedto experiment & giveup flour for a few days and see how I felt. I felt even freer. I haven'thad any since. To me flour is aprocessed substance that makes my drugeasier to deliver. Although Ido eat oatmeal that I occasionaly grinddown....just not to the samedegree as processed flours. I do eat brownrice and cereals andother whole grains. Just not wheat & flours& pastas. Idon't even miss them. I do not fear eating out anymore. I stayedaway from eating out when I first got abstinent. Gradually Iwouldtry it. Based on how well I did would usually determine how long itwas before I tried it again. Now it isn't even an issue except thatIlike & prefer eating at home the food I cook. But if I have toeatout (traveling for instance) I do & I don't worry. I alwaysbringabstinent food just in case....but often I find something onthe menu. Astime goes by I trust myself more & more because Itrust my HP more& more. I went to an amusement park lastweekend. I hit a low pointwith my blood sugar and was ready to gohome (after only 3 hours). Myniece was terribly dissapointed. Iknew I needed hot food. I had myabstinent dressing on me so a saladwas fine but I needed something hot(it was really cold!) So I stoodin line thinking at a Italian placethinking "there is nothing Ican eat here hot" and HP put thisvery bossy, loud woman next tome. Here was a gift in disguise. As sheimpaled me with her loud,bossy attitude (and me getting more irritable bythe second as myblood sugar dropped) it came out that she used to managethisparticular restaurant. She was a head honcho in the park yearsearlier & though she was retired she was a wealth of info. Turnsouther husband had a severe allergy & she was used to navigatingtherestaurants. She KNEW what I could & couldn't trust here. Shefigured out the eggplant & sauce (I would never dare try onmy own)should be fine. No wheat or flour in it at all. I wasworried therewould be too much cheese on it & sugar in thesauce. But the cheesewas clumpy on top & easy to remove &the sauce wasn't sweet &didn't trigger me at all. It gave mejust what I needed and I ended upclosing the park with my niece& we had a ball!! The next day wasbusiness as usual with myabstinence. I really feel that my HP put thiswoman there to helpme. (She also got us front row seats to a SRO showwhile we ate aswell as a "special" discount!) Then she left ourlives! Itrusted myself enough at this point in my abstinence to put downthefood if it triggered me & to survive the cravings. Everythingjust worked out. I have also been in a situation where I have eatenafood that SHOULD have been purely abstinent but one bite revealeditWASN'T a safe food for me. I put it down & lived through thecravingsfor a few hours and lived to be abstinent another day. Thisis how itworked for me. I really stay away from all processed foods& foodswith chemicals (long ingrediant lists) and try to eatfoods my HP put onthe planet in their natural forms (whole grains,vegetables, fruits, nuts(raw & unsalted....like HP made them)& seeds. Natural, natural,natural. If I eat a natural foodthat triggers me....I put it down. Recently I had to put downcashews & bannanas as they caused cravingsin me. I tried toreintroduce cashews....but they caused cravings....so Iput it backdown. But I only tried to do this after I was really securein myabstinence. I tried to stay away from anything remotely"iffy" in the beginning. MY food plan has changedduring myabstinence because your body has normalized and I also Ibecome less &less willing to "suffer" cravings. Idon't know what my foodplan will be next month, next year, nextdecade. Only my HP knows. But Iknow what I can safely eat todayand not have physical and mentalcravings. I KNOW there are certainfoods I cannot eat safely, EVER. These include ice cream, macaroni& cheese, cake & pastries, bread, etc. I have so abusedthese foods....I have eaten enough forseveral people for severallifetimes. I have given up the right to safelyeat these foods. Iam fine with that, I no longer miss them. They do notsignal joy orhappiness anymore...just pain & suffering. I have livedwithoutthem long enough to get sane. My sane brain tells me they arepoisonfor me & choosing to eat them will never be the right choice. But I make this decision daily...just like an alcoholic. AlcoholicsKNOWalcohol will never be OK for them to drink again....but thedecision tonot drink alcohol is made daily, everyday they are alive.That is metoo....I am an addict. Honesty tells me I cannot eatthese foods again. But I can only make choices NOW. So for this dayI choose to maintainthis beautiful gift of abstinence, which I givemyself. Thanks to my stepwork given to me by my wonderful sponsor,I have a connection to infiniteHP & I have integrity to livethis daily promise. Amy M. COE/FA/addicted tovolume Age: 40 Height: 5'11" 1/4" Top Weight:Appox 430-450lbs Starting OA weight: 333lbs Current weight 180lbs Date of Abstinence 6/17/06 Food plan: No sugar, wheat,flour, binge or trigger foods, desserts Why I got abstinent:"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was morepainful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

2007-10-17T10:16:00.000-05:00

This is something another coe wrote on a loop. It was so beautiful I didn't want to forget it.

"I now understand that I am no more (or less) a precious and intentional expression of HP's Creation than a brilliant star in the Universe, a vast ocean, a glorious tree, or a tiny, smooth grain of sand. "

2007-09-26T09:10:00.000-05:00

Food memories.....
Wheat thins were one of my favorite binge foods. I used to eat them with strawberry cream cheese. I remember the first day I tried this combination. It was on the way back from a trip to visit my aunt in Pennsylvania. My parents wanted a quiet car ride home & they knew personalized snacks always shut us children up. I got my very own box of wheat thins that day, and my own package of strawberry cream cheese. I had never eaten cream cheese before and never had any other kind since. I remember the orgasmic feeling of gripping my own box & feeling the sweet chemical taste of slippery strawberry cream on top of salty sugar crackers. I never forgot that feeling and tried to duplicate it hundreds of times since.

Pizza was a favorite binge food of mine. I used to order 2 large pizzas from Papa John’s with several butter sauces & extra cheese. I would devour one immediately and save the second for later when my food hangover set in & I needed a fix.

My favorite all time binge food was ice cream. Especially strawberry milkshakes from McDonalds. Before I got abstinent last year I was up to 4 a day. It would have been more if they served them before lunch. I used to hit 2 – 3 different McDonalds on the way home from work everyday. If I didn’t hit McDonalds it was only because Klondike’s were on sale 2 for $5. That would get me through 24 hours.

I actually had a form of abstinence before I came back to OA. It was broken by soy ice cream. I knew ice cream was a problem for me so I had abstained for 6 months. But I was still ingesting sugar in the form of flour so the cravings never abated. One day, standing in front of the freezer at Ukrops’s I thought….soy ice cream is healthy. It’s a health food…no problem there! I ended up hitting Ukrops daily for months to get 4 pints of tofutti. I just couldn’t get enough. Shortly after trying the toffuti I was eating non-stop again….and gained back ½ the weight it had taken me a year and a ½ to lose. It took 3 months to gain it back.

Pastries are another big trigger for me. Sugar/flour/wheat….the holy trinity. The only thing better than pastries, pastries with ice cream in them. Toward the end of my binging I was eating an entire ice cream cake a day. Pop tarts were my inexpensive pastry of choice. If it was pay day it was the fancy pastry case at the local grocery store that held my attention.

Cheese, hard cheese, is a huge trigger for me…as is wheat. Anything that combined these two was deadly for me. Macaroni & cheese was #3 on my all time binge foods list with spaghetti a close third.
Cool whip was a favorite binge food of mine….that specific brand. I used to buy 2 at a time. One to eat as a dessert with chocolate pudding or strawberries….and one to eat by itself frozen….like ice cream. I got into the habit of eating frozen cool whip because mom used to keep it in the freezer for holiday baking….thawing it out for use. She used to use it…then freeze it. The young coe in me used to sneak into the freezer & take spoonfuls…thinking it would go unnoticed.

2007-09-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

Found some old writings today....written after I had been released from the hospital. I almost died from compulsive overeating. Yo-yo dieting, binging, vomiting, bad food....led to gallbladder disease. That led to pancreatitis and liver problems. It was hell. Here are some excerpts...I had forgotten how bad it was.

It was orange, bright orange, and stained the toilet. But that was not the worst part. It was the stench. The fluid that kept me alive was a sticky, sweet syrup that permeated every pore of my body. I smelled like yeasty blood. But the urine, God! The odor lifted itself to my nostrils before I could move my weak body out of the way. If I had anything resembling food in my stomach I surely would have vomited. But it had been weeks since I had anything to drink let alone eat. Doctors orders, I must starve like those Ethopians mother always told me about. In the land of plenty I was too have none. As I slid my robot companion (I lovingly dubbed him R2D2) past the bathroom door I glimpsed trays upon trays stacked against the far wall. FOOD TRAYS!!!!! Vegetarian that I was, I would kill for some jell-o. Flavored ground bones mixed with water, sloppy cold on a pale gray tray. How wonderful it would be! To roll the coldness against my tongue and teeth. To feel something, anything in my mouth other than the protruding thermometer that sabered itself against the delicate underside of my tongue. Perhaps there could be a dollop of cool whip? Sugared milk whipped to perfection. Creamy white snow atop a glistening green gelatin mountain. Who was to stop me? The nurses busied themselves cackling over some poor wards misery no doubt. They paid no attention to the desperate, dying girl, who would literally die for some jell-o.

I woke up.....alone. i heard the machines working. Beep..............beep.....................beep. Would it never end? Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............pshhhhhhhhhhh.....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It was 2 AM and the clatter ceased to abate outside of my room. The nurses station never slept and the noise grated against my nerves that so needed rest and sleep. The fat nurse with the big painted lips (the only one who could find a vein for my IV now) had said they needed me to be close to the nurses station. I liked her. She told me funny stories and tried to make me laugh as she trolled my arms for sinkholes. I couldn't laugh, but appreciated the effort and intention. I would need her soon. My arm was throbbing with pain. The fluids that kept me alive were hard on my veins. I felt no pain other than the agony in my arm. It was screaming....always screaming. But I had to weigh the consequences of the pain I was feeling now, against the pain of another fishing expedition. My right arm was used up. So was the left now. The thought of walking to the bathroom with those cords hanging between my legs inspired me to keep my finger of the nurse call button. Instead I would sing with the pain, and ride it's waves. Over and over and over, until the morning comes.

Damn them. The TV wasn't working. Didn't they realize there was nothing to do? This was my only salvation until my family got off work to keep me company and take my mind off the agony. Damn them. No cable, no color, a screen 2x2. And that was not torture enough? Damn them all. I would not make it easy for them today. I would fight them with passivity. I would make them give me a sponge bath. I will forget I am here. Beep........beep.........beep.

"You may take two umbrella steps."

"Mother, may I?"

"Yes, you may."

As gracefully as I could I moved my left arm in a swan-like arch towards the sky letting my left hand gently come to rest on the top of my head like a brownie beanie. I moved my right arm away from me until it hovered above the floor as if suspended by invisible strings. I was my mothers play puppet; my every move dictated by her whim. I smiled dutifully, and took one step forward, swinging my body round in a dainty circle twice fulfilling my mother command.

"Andy, you may take three toad hops."

His hair was rough & unruly and ran about his heat like a rambunctious two year old. His eyes were nearly invisible as he beamed his response back to mother."

"Mother may I!?"

"Yes, you may."

Andrew squatted with his arms between his legs and leapt forward thrice with all the might his chubby little body could muster....

I was awake now. The painful organ no longer troubled me while I slept under a haze of morphine. I felt....nothing. Somehow, this seemed more dangerous than the pain.

Mother stood above me. She was smiling but she could not hide her anxiety from me. Damn her! Don't hide it. Be worried. Be AFRAID! I need to feel. Someone needs to feel. Fear, fear keeps him away.

2007-09-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

Oh....and I forgot to write about what I was angry with right NOW! So as soon as my mom said what she said I started to think to myself. "My God she is crazy!!! What kind of woman would have affiars in 2 out of 3 marriages, and make her children complicit. What kind of woman would marry a known sex offender? What kind of woman would make her daughter feel guilty to tell on her sex offender husband?" So all these thoughts just run through my mind & I realize that being angry with my mother now brings me right back to that anger from yesteryear. So I obviously haven't dealt with it yet. And I am still so upset. I did not overeat my lunch but it is like....not digesting. Just sitting there making me sick.

2007-09-16T13:17:00.000-05:00

I am very frustrated & upset at the moment. First I had my sponsor ask me to make plans to go somewhere with her in about 6 months. It is not expensive and she thought that would give me time to save for it.

What she doesn't understand is that kind of money (while very little to most people) is an overwhelming amount to me right now. I am just trying to keep my head above water and to try & do it without getting a second job! It would be irresponsible for me to spend that kind of money....but I don't think she gets it. She is much wealthier than I.

So I am upset about that.

On top of that my mother (whom I live with and is a coe & compulsive spender/hoarder/animal getter) is on a new kick. She wants to buy baby chicks & raise them. She thinks they will feed us (their eggs). We go through 1 dozen eggs a week each. It costs us $5 a week. I twould cost more than that to buy each chick....and feed them, house them, and who knows if they will lay eggs? Plus we live where wolves will probably just eat them. She is compulsively talking about around me (and with her dogs) and it is driving me crazy. She started to talk about it with me (again) and I told her I didn't want to talk to her about this issue anymore. That she was getting compulsive with it. She got very angry & went in her room & shut the door (to let me know she was angry). Then she came out & confronted me. To her credit she did not yell (proud of her) but was still trying to control MY behavior. I started involuntarily shaking & have not stopped. My energy is just exhausted at this point. I have eaten and still not stopped shaking. I am so upset (I am not used to confrontations). Anyway....that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

2007-09-07T13:31:00.000-05:00

This is in response to a question someone asked me:
YES!!! I have felt this way. Many times. Actually, I have been so depressed because of my obesity & eating...that I tried to kill myself. Not a cry for help way...a "let's end it all because life sucks" way.
I have struggled with this disease around 25+ years. I have really hit bottom. I have been in recovery over a year and you know what...I am struggling with the food MORE now than this time last year.
That is not to depress you at all. It is to tell you that there are different stages in recovery. Now I "get" what people mean by the pink cloud experience. That is what it was like in the beginning. Recovery is like a river. Some parts of it are calm & clear. Sometimes there are rapids and the water is muddy. But the river moves on...everything, even the hard times, they pass.
Now that I am in recovery, when the food gets tough...even when I lapse in my eating plan (volume...I haven't had any of my binge or trigger foods) I worry enough to step up my recovery plan (that is the purpose of stress...to get you moving) but I don't worry too much as I know....this too shall pass.
I really recognize myself in you where you talk about saying, "F_ck you" and eating the food even though you know you're hurting yourself. It is an issue of control. I WILL control my life...or my death. I WILL control how you (the world) see me. I WILL control what goes in my mouth....even if I CHOOSE to be out of control. I so get it.
The first thing I do to stay abstinent is to have a sponsor. I email my food to my sponsor daily (even when I feel it is too much). It is hard...but it is a discipline. Now it is just automatic. I have been tempted to fudge it sometimes...but I don't out of fear. Because I know that what I am doing is working. I make my weekly phone call to her (in another country) because I promised to do so. Many times I do not want to. Sometimes I call and say I'm getting right off...but I always make the call. Now I have to live in integrity, now that I am in recovery.
The second thing I do when I am iffy is go to meetings! We are lucky to have access to online meetings. Every 3 hours we can get recovery. I can guarantee 1 meeting a day. When I first came into recovery I went to one meeting a day for several months. I did anything it took. On weekends I would sometimes go to every meeting I wasn't asleep for. I was willing to go to any lengths.
Phone calls, emails, and the loops also help me. I belong to several loops so I can "hear" a lot of recovery.
I do LOTS of service too!
Looking at the list I can see I am using the tools!!! So I guess that might work for you too! One of the biggest things that help my recovery is too sponsor. There is a reason for this. You are GUARANTEED recovery contact daily. One of my sponsees is required to call every morning. This helps her recovery and helps her come out of isolation. But it really helps me too...because I am guaranteed 1 recovery phone call a day. Just a quickie...but it is something. Also I get emails from all my sponsees daily (their food) which requires a response from me...even though that response is always the same, good job!
When I first got abstinent I had to play a lot of games with myself. I had to play the....you can have something to eat in 1/2 hr game....and then when that 1/2 hr was over add another...and so on until meal time. I played video games to keep my hands busy (sometimes for several hours...rollercoaster tycoon & diner dash until I mastered every scenario). I sat on my hands...promised myself I wouldn't eat while watching tv & then watched a movie...made a phone call, took a bubble bath, I even have gone to bed to keep myself from eating.
Recently I have been having trouble with eating too much at night. I had to reach back into my trick bag again & use some of these techniques. They really work for me & they are helping me get on track before the engine derails. Hot tea & broth, or a huge glass of water quiet & growling stomach (the physical) while these activities distract my mind.
I hope this helps!

2007-08-15T08:06:00.001-05:00

"it is about the food, until it is no longer about the food."

2007-08-13T07:31:00.000-05:00

OK....just got back from my therapist & I need to write this down before I forget and get all confused. I need to determine an end weight for myself. I have been too restrictive with my food and I am also afraid of gaining weight. I was going to let my therapist decide for me, or a nutrionist. But my therapist suggested *I* need to make the decision for myself. I made it but didn't like it in her office so I have decided to revise it and commit to this.

I am at 180lbs now. I am committing to not gaining more than 5lbs or less than 20 lbs from that weight for the next 6 months. I am also not actively going to TRY and lose weight. I am going to keep my binge & trigger foods the same. But I will eat when I am hungry, within reason. I know that I will make mistakes and that is OK. If I see the scale start to slide up I need to work my program harder. I need to not starve myself. I need to not try and lose weight. I need to not gain weight. I should maintain....but weight loss is OK.

2007-08-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

This is Amy again and I wanted to share the reaction of a boundary I set with my mother. It helps to talk about this.
TV used to be my second best friend, with food being my BFF (best friend forever!) My two best friends and I spent a lot of time together. We spent time with another good friend of mine, my mother.
My mother and I would often watch junk t.v. & eat junk food. "WE" had special t.v. shows which would call for a binge. One of these shows was a television show called Big Brother. It's a reality show where they stick a whole bunch of strangers in a house with no entertainment and with challenges. They get bored, scheme & obsess, stab each other in the back, binge eat & exercise, have sex, and cause trouble for one another. I thoughourly enjoyed the show pre-recovery.
As my recovery progresses I watch very little television. What I do watch is more high brow programming or learning channel stuff. I stay away from sexually explicit material, news & depression causing material, I try to stay enlightened. Well the new Big Brother season was getting ready to start. My mother (whom I live with) was so excited she went out and bought an HDTV and got Showtime so she could see the new show Big Brother after dark which is on 3 hours a night!! It shows stuff they can't show on t.v. like cursing & nudity. I began to think about it. 3-4 hours of televsion I would feel required to watch a day. Hanging out with my mother who is definately a trigger personality. Being exposed to less than healthy behavior....this stuff is no longer for me.
The night the show was to begin I was actually agonizing over it. My mother called me a minute before it began...."come over, it's getting ready to start!". I said (actually, my HP said...because I am not that strong) "Actually, television isn't a healthy behavior for me. This show in paticular isn't. I'm not going to watch this season."
She was taken aback. It has probably been a month and I have not watched one episode, and believe it or not, my life is just fine!!!! Hmmmmm, I survived.
Well yesterday my mother let me know how she feels about it. It's a long boring story but she did something to the television so that I cannot control what tapes on my t.v. (I do like to tape & watch some healthy television shows....particularly about obesity). She let me know that she will be controlling the taping of all television shows, including what tapes on my t.v., as I no longer watch liking television. (See the addict black & white thinking there?) She was literally spitting as she said this, seething with anger. There was such visiousness and hate in her voice it really took me aback.
I realize that as a co-dependent and addict herself she has a lot to deal with. I am her only friend, besides food and television. It must be very scary for her right now. I am growing up (finally) and seperating from her. She must feel the umbilical cord being ripped from her.
I cannot control her. If she feels it neccessary to exert such control over me I can only let go and let God. Thankfully I can live without television now. And every single incident like this reminds me why it is so vitally important for me to keep my recovery, grow up, and seperate from her. Unbeknowst to her everytime she acts out like this I move farther and farther from her. Usually this means she will act out more, and violently. This is the way of children...even when they are sixty years old. But eventually (with time and patience) they do learn not to cross boundaries.
Yesterday I left the house. I had a bag with a present I bought for my father on my desk. When I got home it had been moved and obviously opened. My mother came to my room to ask how my day was. I asked her if she had opened the bag. I did not care if she saw what was in the bag...I cared that she had once again invaded my privacy. She said she had and that she knew it was OK for her to look because it was for my father, and gee it was cute. (My father, whom she hates, have been divorced for 25 years). I just looked at her, you know....a LOOK! Then I sat down to my computer, and began to ignore her. I do not need to react to this violation. I will not act like a child and yell or lash out. I need to remember this incident as one of the many, many reasons I will not be staying with her until the day she dies. If she wants to have a relationship with me, she will behave like an adult and respect my boundaries, or she will not have me in her life. Until I can leave I will pray for her as I would pray for any sick friend, as the BB says.

2007-08-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

Definition of obsess from The American Heritage Dictionary of The English Language New College Edition.

Obsess - To harass or beset like an evil spirit; haunt as a fixed idea, besiege
Obsession - The state of being beset or actuated by the devil or an evil spirit
Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or unwanted feeling or emotion, often with symptoms of anxiety
A Compulsive, often unreasonable, idea or emotion causing such preoccupation

Has there ever been a better definition of food obsession?

2007-08-05T09:39:00.000-05:00

My Last Binge

I had been dieting on my own for about six months and doing pretty well. When I say I had been on my own I mean sans OA and the fellowship. I was not desperate enough yet to go back there! How humiliating that would be. I was too proud. I didn’t need anyone. I could do this on my own. I had proven it….I was losing weight and “abstinent” for six whole months!

The bingeing actually began several weeks before it started. If that is hard to understand…let me explain. The binge started in my mind as I stood in front of the frozen food section of the natural foods department of my local grocery store. There in front of me was an entire freezer full of soy and tofu ice creams. Ice cream is my number one, all time, major binge food. I had not partaken of it in six months. I was clean. But in that moment something in my brain snapped. Perhaps my fellow shoppers heard the pop. In that moment I reasoned that soy ice cream was a health food – and therefore OK to eat occasionally. After all, here was the proof; these sugar filled treats were in the healthy foods section. Would a supermarket lie to me??? Looking back I can see this was the beginning of my last binge.

At first I tried to measure out the servings. But quickly 1 pint (the whole package) became 1 serving for me. I was counting calories so 1 pint was an entire meal (very healthy huh?) I began the daily trip to this particular supermarket to pick up my daily pint. It was a half hour trip to the market from work, and a half hour back. A one hour round trip to obtain the object of my desire, my love, my new higher power. Soon I was getting two pints a day, one pint to eat while I worked, one pint for my supper at home. Then it was three pints a day. I needed a pint to eat on the way back from the market (while driving!) Then it was four pints a day that I NEEDED. After all, I needed a pint to tide me over on the drive home from work.

While on my daily trip to the market, supposedly for my lunch….I needed to pick up something healthy to eat in front of my co-workers. After all, I didn’t want them thinking I had some kind of problem. I would also purchase a large salad from the salad bar. It would be big enough for a family of four. I poured a quarter of a bottle of olive oil on I and loaded up with desserts from the bar for my “healthy” lunch. It was a necessary purchase as I couldn’t come back from the market everyday with only four pints of sugary treats – that would be insane! No, the fat filled salad proved I was perfectly normal.

Within weeks my addiction spiraled out of control. I was buying several pints of tofutti and soy ice creams everyday along with my thousand calorie salad, potato chips, 2-4 supersize McDonalds shakes with two supersize fries & the two-for-one apple pies, two twelve inch subs from subway, and a pizza pie from the local joint. All of this was eaten in my car as I could not allow anyone to see the volume of food I was eating.

The piece de resistance of my daily binge however, was the ice cream cake. It served eight, unless of course, you were me, in which case it was a daily serving. I was a compulsive overeating genius….managing to hide it in my closet until I could be alone at night to eat it. Only a compulsive overeater could manage to keep an ice cream cake in the closet without melting.

I was spending $50-$100 a day on my binges. All of this started because I thought I could handle a healthy treat. All because I forgot I am a compulsive overeater and food addict – and that I am powerless over my binge foods. Well, I guess there is nothing wrong with a little healthy food experimentation, right? This round of bingeing cost me a lot of money, self-esteem, and a 75lb weight gain. But in the end it is that last binge cycle that sent me into a spiral of desperation. That desperation sent me back to OA, back home. When I came back to OA I weighed 333lbs exactly. I was distraught to find all the OA meetings in my area had closed. Thankfully I found online meetings at the OA website www.oa.org. That first online meeting I attended I found a sponsor and got abstinent. I have been abstinent ever since. It has not always been easy. Getting clean and sober was hard. Detoxing was tough! I have easy days, not so easy days, and days I want to say to hell with abstinence and program. I keep coming back though….and I have maintained abstinence. I started meetings in my local area and attend new meetings that start. Now I have online friends and a local fellowship. Everyday I attend a meeting, make or take a call, read OA literature, call my sponsor, speak with a sponsee, do service or write on my recovery, I am saving my life. It is like putting money in the bank…adding time to my lifespan, storing the serenity. I need to remember that last binge, lest I forget and think once again, I need a sugary treat. I still have the markings on my closet wall from that last birthday ice cream cake (boy, I had a birthday every day!). I need to see it to keep my memory green. I cannot tell you how glad I am to remember that last binge. As long as I can remember it, it will be the last one. Over a year later and down to 180lbs life is worth living again.

Amy

2007-08-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

My Declaration of Independence

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the ties which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and the Laws of the Goddess and God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women and men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -- That to secure these rights, Rules and Boundaries are instituted among people, deriving their just powers from their Creator, -- That whenever any Tyrant becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right and Duty of the oppressed to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Rules and Boundaries, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Rules and Boundaries long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly and all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the insanity and death of an individual under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty , to throw off such Tyranny, and to provide new Guards for their future security. -- Such has been the patient sufferance of Armena Amy Marie; and such is now the necessity which constrains her to alter the relationship between Her and Ed. The history of the tyrant Ed is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over Armena Amy Marie. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Ed has caused me oceans of tears and pain unmentionable.

Ed has caused me to abuse my body. Ed destroyed my metabolism with yo-yo dieting. Ed ruined my bowels by causing me to abuse laxatives. Ed did cause me to become a drug addict while pursuing ways to maintain my weight. Ed did cause me to gorge until I developed pancreatitis and destroyed my organs irreparably. Ed did cause me to gain hundreds of pounds which left me permanently scarred with stretch marks and excess skin. This will necessitate expensive and dangerous surgery to repair leaving me further scarred. Ed did cause me to ruin my teeth by purging.

Ed caused me to gain hundreds of pounds of fat. This fat caused me misery, heartache, and decimated my self-esteem. I became an asexual blob mired in self-hatred because of Ed.

Ed did cause me to suffer decades of clinical depression requiring treatment and medication.

Ed did hereby cause me to attempt suicide both slowly and torturously and the immediate solution..

Ed did cause me to go bankrupt and to be indebted because of the pursuit of food.

Ed did cause me to violate my own morals and belief systems via stealing, lying, and the giving of my body to pursue love and affection.

Ed caused me to feel unloved and unworthy of love.

Ed caused me to feel damaged.

Ed caused me to pursue food, an inanimate object, over and above all things including relationships, love, happiness, security, and friendship.

Ed has caused me to forsake friends, fiancées, and lovers.

In every stage of these Oppressions I have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms. My repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. This man Ed, is not fit to be friend or ally to my person. I have attempted time and time again to negotiate circumstances to our relationship and provide protection for myself. Ed has been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. I must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, and denounce my Separation, and hold Ed, an Enemy in War.

I, therefore, appeal to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of myself & my Maker, solemnly publish and declare, that my Person is and of Right ought to be Free and Independent, that I am Absolved from all Allegiance to ED, and that all political, social, emotional, physical, and metal connections between them be Severed. – And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I pledge to my Higher Power my Life, my Fortune, and my sacred Honor.

2007-07-26T10:56:00.001-05:00

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will beamazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedomand a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut thedoor on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how ourexperience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pitywill disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interestin our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude andoutlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecuritywill leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations whichused to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us whatwe could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We thinknot. They are being fulfilled among us -- sometimes quickly, sometimesslowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." (BB pages83-84).

2007-06-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

PLEA FOR HELP!!

I am asking anyone who reads this blog to write me with information if they can help me. I have lost a total of 260lbs now. I still have some weight to lose....although it is hard to estimate how much I need to lose as I have some fatty deposits and excess skin that need to be surgically removed. This is where you come in. You see, I am rich in many ways now, but not fiscally. I am still paying off debts from surgery to save my life (when I had no health insurance while I attended college). I never did obtain a degree as I had to quit school and go to work to help pay my debts. This leaves me underemployed. I do need to have surgery to remove this excess skin and fatty deposits. I am looking for any way to get this done. If anyone knows of a way please write me. I am looking for a surgeon who would be willing to do pro bono work or delay payment. I am even wanting to get it down at a surgical school if possible where an intern can learn by doing. Or if anyone knows of a way to make medical insurance pay. Any help would be appreciated. I would even go on a tv show and let it all hang out for the world to see for the chance to get this skin cut off of me. So if anyone knows a plastic surgeon willing to help, or knows someone who got insurance to pay or knows a cousin whose married to someone who knew somebody once who worked on Dr.Phil....(you get the idea) who may be able to help. Please let me know. I am putting this out there to the universe because I belive my HP wants me to have this skin removed. And since it is beyond me right now, I am asking for help (and by the way....it is real HARD to ask for help). Thank you for listening.
Amy

2007-06-02T13:47:00.000-05:00

BIG BOOK - Believing In God Beats Our Old Knowledge
ACTION - Any Change To Improve Our Nature
NUTS - Not Using The Steps

2007-06-02T11:37:00.001-05:00

Wanted to share my weight as of June, 1, 2007: 189.5 lbs

2007-06-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

My name is Amy, and I am a very grateful, recovering compulsive overeater and food addict, brought to my knees and having found desperation, I am gratefully abstinent & in recovery today.
This How it works passage is so amazing to me. I don't think I will ever have 100% complete honesty with myself, God, or my fellows...but I try. The more I work the program, the more honest I become. It really does work. There are more layers to this onion than I could even concieve of so I don't bother trying too, I just peel the layer I am on. Like with most onions I shed some tears, but fortunately I love onions! There is sweetness there too.
My first time around in OA I truly was one of the failures. The only thing I did right was come to meetings....but after awhile I gave up on that too. I did not work the steps, I never put down the food, I did not befriend the abstinent, only the bingers like me, I just did not work the program. I gained weight in OA and my food spun out of control.
This time around in OA I was desperate to recover. I had to be put on my knees with nowhere else to go, backed into a corner, before I was willing to follow the "suggestions" of the program. The BB wisdom is so brilliant...no requirements....just "suggestions". They knew my addict brain would rebel against requirements. The truth is however, that if you want the promises of the program, you MUST follow the suggestions. Half measures avail us nothing. I needed to have the wind knocked out of me before I would follow the suggestions given. I came back to OA desperate enough to follow, and behold, I have the promises. There is nothing special about me, all are called, few CHOOSE to answer the call, but all can.
Today I am one of the winners. I greet & befriend newcomers, because they keep me green. I share what I have with those who are currently unable to put down the food, because I I need to share recovery in order to keep it. I stick with the winners when it comes to working my program, because I want to continue being one of them.
When I was morbidly obese I used to ask my fellow obese dieters what they were doing. I heard a man, I think it was Covert Bailey, talk about this phenomenon. He said words to the effect that, if you are fat and want to be thin....don't ask what a fat person does to lose weight, ask what a thin person does not to gain it!"
OA is like that for me. I ask and do what those who have abstinence and have maintained it longer than me do. Then I do it!! It has worked for me so far. I am saddened when, in my f2f meetings, I see people share the same share, week after week, never realizing they are doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. This is the definition of insanity. I can only share my ESH and pray they keep coming back until they have the strength to follow the suggestions. But I do not allow myself to dwell in the problem with them, I instead to live in the solution.
Thank you for reading,

2007-05-29T15:48:00.000-05:00

T.R.U.S.T. - Try Really Using Step Three
P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens
B,L.O.A.T.E.D. - (don't get too:) Bored, Lonely, Overwhelmed, Anxious, Tired, Excited or Depressed

2007-05-28T18:18:00.000-05:00

It's me and I have to tell my story at a face to face meeting and at an online meeting. I was in the writing mood and done procrastinating so this is my story. It is not polished at all and needs editing. But here it is! Enjoy!

2007-05-28T18:17:00.005-05:00

My recovery story

My name is Amy and I am a compulsive overeater, food addict, and multiply addicted. I am gratefully abstinent today and in recovery. Today is my ______th day of consecutive abstinence. I have _____ years, _________ months, and ________ days.
I wanted to tell you a little bit about my food plan. Everyone here probably knows the definition of abstinence, which is refraining from compulsive overeating. My abstinence & food plan are very simple; I refrain from eating my binge foods. That means I don’t eat any manufactured, refined, or processed sugar. I only eat sugar in its natural form, for instance, fruit. I don’t eat syrups for instance, especially high fructose corn syrup. I started my abstinence refraining from eating wheat because I had previously discovered in an earlier attempt at abstinence that wheat was very addictive for me. It triggered me to eat volume and other high fat/high sugar foods. I did eat flours made from non-wheat substances. As time went on I discovered that my body preferred not eating flour of any sort. It was just too much sugar flooding my system at one time. I never would have started out wanting this kind of food plan and would have thought life without flour and sugar to harsh a food plan but now I welcome it because it has given me freedom. I do not eat cheese as it is a highly addictive substance for me nor do I eat dessert of any kind, other than fruit. I have a secondary food plan in place which is like a weight loss addendum. Because I have weight to lose I limit how much I eat with caloric limits and measuring foods that are high in fat although they are healthy and not on my binge/trigger lists. I want to stress that my food plan will probably not work for most people. But I am willing to share anything about me that might possibly help another coe/fa. I happen to be a vegetarian, but that is for spiritual reasons. The bulk of my diet is natural and raw foods consisting of vegetables and fruits, eggs, soy, beans, raw & unsalted nuts & seeds.

2007-05-28T18:17:00.003-05:00

What it was like:

My top weight was 450 lbs approximately. I say approximately because the scale I was using topped out at 420. Quite frankly I killed the scale. I was wearing a 5X in men’s clothing. I use the term clothing loosely. Think drapery rather than clothing. I didn’t get on the scale until I wanted to lose weight so it is very likely that I weighed even more. I did not weigh myself for decades unless a doctor demanded it. Most doctors scales didn’t go that high however.

My first bought with weight was not morbid obesity however, it was with anorexia. I was a healthy girl and came from a family of big eaters, who were all big! So I was chunky or husky, big boned or “healthy” depending on how you looked at it. I wasn’t obese though. But I developed early. I was 10 years old and nearly 6’ tall. I matured early, probably because I was slightly overweight. Most children who are overweight do mature early because certain hormones are triggered. So I was ten years old, tall, had boobs and hips, and looked like a woman rather than a preteen child. Looking back at pictures I looked like a supermodel!! But to the other 60lb 4’ tall girls I was FAT! I decided to go on a diet! I thought if 1,200 calories a day would help me lose 2 lbs a week, then 100 calories a day would make me skinny in weeks! It seemed like simple math to me. I subsisted on less than 100 calories a day for nearly a year. I was so weak at the end I could barely walk. I remember being on the beach when it was over 100 degrees. The hot sun pounded down on me, and I was wrapped up in all the beach blankets freezing to death. My family was watching me slowly die but didn’t know what to do. This was before the average person knew what anorexia was and no one knew what to do about it anyway. My father had the cure…he forced me to eat. He literally shoved the food down my throat. I remember making a decision then; I would control the food that went in my mouth…no matter what. My obesity started at that moment.
I ate and ate and ate. I did anything I had to in order to support my habit. I worked part-time jobs. I stole money from family and strangers. I became a master at running various scams at school, against shopkeepers, anything to get money for food. I was a size 16 in Jr. High. Then a size 18 & then a size 20 in High School. That was not even a hint of what was to come.

2007-05-28T18:17:00.001-05:00

When I moved out on my own I was able to eat unlimited quantities of food without any repercussions, so I thought. I became so heavy I developed serious foot and knee problems. The fatty pads on my heels tore open and I could barely walk. I wasn’t even 25, and I was walking with a cane. I lived by myself on the third floor of an apartment building. It was all I could do to haul myself up the stairs. Taking up bags of groceries became out of the question. I could no longer clean my apartment either. It became a disaster area. I stood long enough only to do dishes for the current meal. Usually I only cooked cheap pasta dishes out of desperation. I would eat an entire box of pasta for a meal. It wouldn’t even fill me. But I did that only when there were no credit cards to charge on. What I preferred was to call a take out delivery service that would pick up one or two meals at 2 or 3 of my favorite restaurants. They would bring them to me and I would just charge it….easy. They even came with their own bags for the garbage it created…that was why I parked near the garbage dump. I was too heavy to stand after awhile and food just rotted in my apartment. Maggots and cockroaches soon followed. My bathtub developed a clog that wouldn’t clear and the toilet broke. I was too embarrassed to have maintanence come and fix it. After all, I was too fat to clean the apartment. I developed a very smelly foot fungus that ran people from the room. My armpits smelled like sour bread from all the flour & sugar I ate as it decomposed and rotted in my body. My liver could no longer process the toxins out of my body. I didn’t see doctors anymore. I became angry and infuriated every time they suggested the obvious… I should lose weight. Were they stupid….if I could I would. Did they think I was stupid? Did they think I didn’t know I was fat?
Truth be told I had no idea how bad the situation had gotten. If someone snuck a photograph of me I would stare in disbelief and horror. Who was that blob in the photograph. That couldn’t be me. I was disfigured beyond recognition. Where was that pretty but chubby girl of my youth? She was gone, smothered by unlimited quantities of fat and sugar.

2007-05-28T18:16:00.003-05:00

Now don’t get the idea I didn’t fight this thing, I did. There were many diets and self-help books. I did Nutri-system for awhile and lost weight. The small portions meant weight loss was a definite. Unfortunately for me the food fed my sugar habit and it was inevitable that I would lose control and binge again. That eventually happened on all my diets. Portion control alone for me was no good. If I ingested any refined or processed sugar, it was only a matter a time before I binged. Once my body had a taste, it was a done deal. Try letting a cokehead have one snort. Or an alcoholic just one drink. Sure, they may be able to last awhile, but eventually the call was just too strong.

I gained every single pound back I ever lost on every diet, and more. The worst part though was that dieting seemed to feed the obsession. Before long my whole day existed only for the nighttime binge bliss. I counted, and binged my way through the day waiting for nighttime when everyone would be asleep. I would hide non-refrigerated foods behind the couch. Refrigerated foods would be hidden in the back of the freezer. If something was too big to hide I would share, but only if I had to. I would by multiples of all my binge foods and hide them around the house. That way if I was caught bingeing on xyz and ate the whole thing I would have more to replace it and cover up my gluttony. I was forever going to different grocery stores to replace the food I had stolen. I was so embarrassed to face the grocery store, convenience stores clerks, and fast food workers everyday buying the same binge foods over and over. What did they think of me? I would try to rotate the stores and restaurants. But there was only so much rotation, especially when I required, NEEDED particular binge foods just to make it through my day. I lived my life in embarrassment. I was shunned and made fun of by total strangers, and even my own loved ones.

2007-05-28T18:16:00.001-05:00

The owner of the company I worked for confronted me one day. He said I was too fat to walk up the stairs to do my job anymore. Shortly thereafter I was fired, and deservedly so. I gave up and decided to kill myself, but I chickened out. Instead I moved home with my mother, brother, and niece. I would go to college, stay home with my niece, and get my life together.

It actually worked out that way for awhile. I went on a crash diet and lost a massive amount of weight very quickly. I ate low calorie and low fat. Who cared all the calories I ate were low fat ice cream? I began to binge and purge if I accidentally overdid it. I didn’t want all my hard dieting work ruined. To the outside world I had won. I was finally thin, and I was beautiful. Too bad all my time and energy was devoted to thinking about food. I read cookbooks like novels, waiting for the day I would once again be able to eat. The purging through vomiting and laxatives really worked. I had found the secret all those mean thin people had hidden from me for all those years.

My crash dieting, bingeing and vomiting had unexpected consequences. I had a gut full of tiny gallbladder stones. Tiny ones are bad, real bad. The get stuck in the pancreatic duct. I became violently ill very quickly. By the time I made it to the emergency room the doctors thought it was too late. I was too sick to operate on, but would surely die without surgery. We played the waiting game. Wait till I was going to die anyway, perform surgery, die on the table, bring me back to life. Then do it all again. Three surgeries and three weeks later they had finally removed the stuck gallstone and bad gallbladder. Now I was dying of pancreatitis and jaundice. My poor body had had enough. So had I. I was a compulsive overeater stuck in a hospital and unable to eat or drink anything. Talk about compulsive overeater hell. I wasn’t even allowed ice cubes to comfort my thirst. No smell of food was allowed in my wing for fear the digestive juices would start operating. My internal organs were being digested by the spilled stomach acids. I was a goner anyway and tired of fighting. The doctors thought one more surgery would help. I decided I wasn’t worth it. Leave me alone to die I said. I kicked everyone out of my room. They gave me a private room so I could meet my maker peacefully. I was mightily pissed off at my maker by this time…he could screw off. Where I expected to be comforted by angels, I only heard the wheezing of the many machines keeping me alive. Drugs barely touched the pain, and I was ready for nothingness, or maybe even hell, I didn’t care anymore.
Here’s the kicker, I didn’t die. No one was more shocked than me, except my doctors. I made a miraculous recovery. My specialist told me after the crisis had passed, that he had seen many a patient better off than me die. He said he didn’t think I would leave the hospital for at least 6 months. A week later, he gave me the green light to leave if I promised I would never drink alcohol, or binge eat again. Several weeks after leaving the hospital I was strong enough to drive a car. My first trip was to a local bar for a few drinks while I waited for my take out food to cook. I also made my regular stop to the grocery store for some sorely missed binge foods. I was eating solid again.

2007-05-28T18:15:00.001-05:00

I gained every pound I lost back, and more. On my way up I found out about OA. I joined hoping they would cure me. I found wonderful fellowship in the program. Finally people who understood that food was an addiction for me. There wasn’t a lot of recovery in these groups, but understanding. They were an hour away from me so I enjoyed binge eating all the way to and from the meetings. The hour I was in the meeting and the meeting after the meeting gave me great comfort that I was not alone in this. But I was only in my fat suit, very alone. After 31/2 years of eating uncontrollably and gaining weight in OA, I left the program. There was another job I lost due to the severe depression that for me, inevitably occurred when my weight soared close to 400lbs. A failed relationship and another move back home didn’t help. I lived with my co-dependent mother once again who would supply me with my favorite binge foods on one hand, and chastise me for overindulging with the other. She allowed me not to work and to “recover”. My activity level went down even more. My depression worsened. My psychiatric medications went up. I finally lost all hope. I decided to kill myself while walking up the steps. It was a stray thought really. But this part of my brain said, “Do it now before you chicken out”. I gathered all my psychiatric medications. I had just been delivered 3 months worth, including my sleeping pills. Hundreds of pills ingested later, I thought it was finally over. There was one second where I thought; maybe this isn’t a good idea. But then I believed it was too late anyway. I wouldn’t be embarrassed by calling the ambulance and begging for them to help me. I’ll just die and see what lies on the other side, if anything.

I remembered my mom freaking out. “What have you done to me? How will this look?” She had discovered my suicide attempt. There was a hospital stay, a policeman with his nice silver bracelets, and then I was delivered to the local mental institution for an evaluation.
“You are mentally ill, but not insane,” the nice gentle psychiatrist determined. The director of this mental institution just happened to be my own personal psychiatrist! He said, “I know you are not insane, you know you are not insane, but I have the power to keep you here if need be. You can choose to go to intensive outpatient treatment, or I will keep you here as a danger to yourself.” What choice did I have? I chose the outpatient therapy. I think this was the real beginning of recovery for me. It was a small beginning….it would still be a long road from there.

2007-05-28T18:14:00.002-05:00

What happened?

About 3 years later I was still the same weight but feeling more sane. I knew I had a problem but I just wasn’t sure what to do about it. I still purchased every weight loss product and book ever made. I purchased the latest Dr. Phil Weight Loss Solution book. I determined it would take 21/2 years to lose the necessary weight. I set about it determined to succeed.

I did well for awhile and lost about 170lbs. The first 100 weren’t even hard. Not eating several thousand calories a day and working for a living did that! But then it started to get hard and I started feeling deprived. I had no support system either, no one who understood what I was going through. I started eating “healthy” desserts. Within weeks I was gaining and gaining big. I saw a doctor during this time and was diagnosed with Fibromylgia. This was good news; it was not lupus, which was what my doctors thought I originally had. Lupus and Fibromylgia are really the same disease but with one important distinction, you will die early with Lupus, but not with Fibromylgia. My doctor told me that I could do things to manage my pain and depression, but that she expected me to live a normal life span. I was shocked. I had thought for a decade I was going to die early, so why bother. Now my back was against the wall. I was going to live a normal life span? Only if I took care of myself. I needed to do something. I did some research on the Fibromylgia and discovered that people who had it and went on wheat free diets suffered less pain. This was a happy accident that will come into play later.

I had a knew job but the job provided free lunches everyday….and I was in charge of handling the food. I was a coe/fa out of control and in charge of food for 15 people. I gained weight back up to 333lbs. I didn’t know what to do. Two things happened back to back that helped me greatly.

First, I found a book written by a food addict. It was the best book I had ever read on food addiction and she had a specific diet she said all food addicts should follow. The diet was too strict for me I thought. But it was the first time I ever heard anyone say that wheat & flour was a problem for people. I knew about the sugar, but wheat and food addiction. This might help my Fibromylgia I thought. Maybe the two were connected? While I just couldn’t bring myself to work her diet, I gained great comfort from her addiction model.
The same day I bought this book I was listening to the Howard Stern show. He was interviewing a comedian who had her own reality show. Her husband was a big part of the show and he had lost over 100lbs between seasons. Howard wanted to know how? The comedian said her husband was now a member of OA. OA?? I remember them….it seemed like a distant memory. I remembered enough to know this woman had just broken his anonymity. I also knew I had some old OA literature downstairs in the basement. Maybe OA could help me.

2007-05-28T18:14:00.001-05:00

I went to www.oa.org to find a local meeting. I was shocked to discover OA no longer had a presence in my community. My God, what do I do now??? Thank God I found these OA meetings online. I went to my first meeting that day…it was June 17, 2006. I will never forget it. I didn’t know how the online meetings worked but I was desperate to recover. I was willing to do absolutely anything to recover. I could no longer weigh 333 lbs or more. I could no longer live a slow death anymore. I wanted to live, and I wanted to live well.

I shared at my first meeting that I needed a sponsor. I knew that was something I had never done right in my previous OA excursion.

An angel must have been watching out for me that day. A wonderful woman sent me an instant message saying she had an opening for a sponsee. She asked me some questions, I guessed I answered them right. That was my first day of abstinence, that was the day I got a sponsor, that was the beginning of the rest of my life. I was born April 16, 1967. My life began on June 17, 2006. It was the day of my rebirth.

My sponsor was gentle but also demanding. She wanted me to email my food to her everyday. I couldn’t even manage to brush my teeth everyday. After awhile (I think she knew she had to break me in slowly) she asked me to call her on the phone. Apparently she didn’t realize my phone weighted 500lbs. It was a difficult thing to do. But I had a healthy fear this woman would fire me so I did it. I remember thinking at the end of our conversation I was glad that was over with. Then she sprung it on me that I needed to call her every week. I didn’t want to, but I wanted to recover, so I did it.
I went to meetings online every single day! On weekends I went to every meeting available during my waking hours. I read the OA literature, and I did the step work my sponsor sent me. I’m not saying I didn’t procrastinate, I did. But my sponsor would always ask me this nagging question, “How is your step work coming”? She was gentle, but prodding. It was the exact right approach for this people pleasing procrastinator.

2007-05-28T18:13:00.000-05:00

I went to face to face AA meetings since OA was not available in my area. I’m grateful for this opportunity to attend strong meetings with lots of recovery. I eventually started my own OA meetings. Then someone else started an OA meeting. While technically I am an alcoholic and drug addict, my real drug of choice was always food so I started to attend OA meetings primarily.

My life changed, and it changed dramatically. I realized, looking back at an old OA workbook I had, that I had never really taken step 1. I knew I had a problem with food, but I didn’t believe I was powerless. I thought that if I ever had control over food, then I wasn’t powerless. If I dieted successfully for even one day, then I did have power over food. Besides, if I was truly powerless, that meant I had no control over food. So I could binge at will. That meant my whole program was faulty from the beginning, I never had a chance. I read something that really helped me with this. This woman said I was powerless over what my drug, food, did to me once I ingested it. That was a totally different story. I wasn’t powerless over whether I took that first compulsive bite….I was only powerless over what that bite would do to me when it was inside my body. Powerful hormones and chemicals took over and from there I had no control over what happened. My mind would go to obsessive places fueled by these hormones and chemicals. Once I ingested my drug of choice, I was truly powerless. Knowledge is power, now I had the knowledge that would help me move towards step 2.

When I came into program I believed in God, and I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with God. I would go off on angry tirades every time someone at a meeting mentioned how good or great their God was. My sponsor was gentle and helped me work step 2. Step 2 saved my butt. Finding a HP that worked for me and wanted me abstinent made this program work for me. At first I had only hope. Then I gradually gained the most miniscule amount of faith. That faith grew and blossomed. Now I have faith that moves mountains. I have my sponsor to thank for that.

Once I had a HP I had a decision to make, to turn my will and life over to my HP as I knew Her. I knew once I made this decision there was no turning back. The BB says that once we take this step we cannot fail to recover. I know that is because it is never ever my HP’s will for me to live in an obsessed, self-obsessed, drugged up, strung out, self-imposed stupor. Never. My Hp cannot have me do Her Will, if I am in a food coma. It is my Hp’s will that I do Her Will, and that means I have to show up for life. I cannot show up for life if I am in the food. Once I truly take step 3, I will recover, period, end of statement. Dramatic pause.

2007-05-28T18:10:00.000-05:00

What is it like now?:
Today I have a Higher Power that gives me strength. Now I get up for work in the morning, and I am happy for the opportunity. I don’t go to bed dreading the next day. I don’t live every second of my life in fear of I know not what. I have a balanced checkbook, and I live within my means. I face challenges head on. I love myself, I love the person I have become, and that I am becoming. I have confidence in myself. I almost never miss work because I am sick. I give myself in service, and I’m glad for the opportunity. I am making friends. I am nice to my family, co-workers, and the stranger on the street. I have more patience and love to give. I am learning to receive graciously. I am walking into situations and doing things I dared not dream of. I have lost weight….a lot of weight. I’ve become brave. Notice that the weight loss, while significant, is almost last on my list. It is a great gift of working this program, but it is not the point of the program. The point of the program, I believe, is to connect to your Higher Power. I believe, in fact, that is the point of life. This from the girl who hated God. If that doesn’t demonstrate the change that has occurred in me, I don’t know what will. I believe abstinence is a gift from my Higher Power. I believe my gift to the world and to my Higher Power is to be abstinent. I’m an addict, and by nature, very selfish. So now I ask something from you. I ask you to give me a gift. I ask that, for the rest of this day, you be abstinent. Thank you for listening.

2007-05-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

This is a share from one of my recovery loops. I started out answering questions and then it morphed into what you see. I put the questions in green and in quotes. The questions were from a recovery loop at www.therecoverygroup.org.
My name is Amy, I am a compulsive overeater and food addict (and multiply addicted). I am gratefully abstinent & in recovery today.
"Which chapter of the Big Book is your favorite?"
The chapter to the agnostic. I have a very logical brain. That logical brain ironically made me act like an insane person. I need to let go and let God. This chapter helps me when I am struggling with that. This chapter also saved my life....as when I came back to OA, I was very angry at God. I needed this chapter to help me see, logically, that I needed a power greater than myself in my life, and to help me develop one I could live with.
"Did you struggle before or after you joined Overeater's Anonymous, or both?"
The first time I joined OA I struggled whilst in the program. I struggled bad. Probably because I never followed any of the suggestions in the BB or bothered much with the idea of a sponsor or abstinence. I used OA as a social club. I liked being with people who understood the power food had over me. I was very careful to stay away from those who were abstinent however. I only hung with the bingers. Meetings were also an excuse to get out of the house so I could binge all the way to and from meetings (they were an hour away).
My second time around in OA (and several years later, hundreds of added pounds later, many less friends later) I was desperate enough to do as I was told. I found TRG online....got a sponsor that day, and became abstinent. I have been abstinent ever since. Yes, I have struggled. But the struggle is not the same. More like I wrestle with my defects of character rather than food. I made the decision that first day not to wrestle with food anymore. I listed my binge foods, and now I no longer eat them. I may think of them from time to time (although less and less) but I won't have them. They are no longer for me. They are poison. I would not drink battery acid, nor will I eat xyz. I sometimes realize after the fact that I have had to much volume....but I view that as a learning experience. My body is still trying to figure out normal for me. I consider my abstinence staying away from my binge foods. Eating toomuch volume of healthy foods (like salad) is something to be tackled another time....in HP's time. There is no hurry, I plan on being around awhile. I have lost weight every month in OA....so I know I am on the right track. Although I do measure foods that are dense in calories or fat. I don't struggle like some do. But I also attend meetings online or f2f everyday, utilize my sponsor, write, read literature, and follow my food plan every single day. I do the work necessary to be abstinent and to recover. That has made all the difference.
"Do you always follow the "suggestions" in the Big Book and from your sponsor - what are the reprecussions if you don't?"
I follow the suggestions of the BB and my sponsor....just usually not right away. It is as if the rebellious coe in me needs some time to make sure I really "need" them. I guess I need pain before I am willing to do what is right. Pain is the consequence of ignoring my sponsor and the BB.
I think it was last week we talked about favorite songs as they relate to recovery. I wanted to share this with you. I wanted to chime in on a movie I saw recently that I just loved. It will sound stupid to some because it is based on a cartoon character. But I think it has deeper meaning. It was the Spiderman 3 movie. We all know the sweet,thoughtful, loving, gentle character of Peter Parker. In the movie he was having a hard time with his career, his girl, hisfriendships....everything was going wrong. It seemed to come out of the blue. Maybe he could have handled one or two things....but everything hit him at one time. An "alien" substance (read drug of choice, aptly named "venom") started to infect him. At first it seemed harmless in that it apparently gave him great power, confidence, fearlessness. It also seemed to have no long term consequences, at first. Soon this sweet man began to do things that seemed to be out of character to him and those around him. His confidence became cockiness and selfishness. His fearlessness,foolishness. He became mean and bitter, lashing out at innocents, and being even crueler to those he said he loved the most. He became vulgar and crude and didn't seem to notice that those around him were repulsed by him, rather than attracted to him. He started hanging around people of low character. He increasingly needed more and more of the alien presence (drug of choice). Finally he did the unthinkable and hit the woman he loved and desired. He realized with horror that he had become someone he was not....and yet he was. All those horrible defects of character were in him. They were a part of him. This alien (doc - drug of choice) just brought out and magnified those parts of his character. He lost himself, to himself, within himself....helped by the alien/doc. He became something dark, pathetic, sinister, selfish, evil. And worse HE had done it, willingly, and had enjoyed most of the ride. It took a great act of will and luck (read HP's intervention) in order for him to get out of the mess he put himself into. It took heroics and discipline. He even had to help others who were also in the same mess (his friend...the green goblin, who had also started out good and then turned to evil). He had to do the right thing (save the woman he loved) while giving up the outcome (she may still never go back to him). This was me. I was a bright and shining light of God, a good woman/girl, who let my doc change me into something I was, and wasn't. It was who I was, for nearly 3 decades. And yet, it wasn't who my HP wanted me to be. It was me, distorted and broken, my character shattered into a thousand pieces like glass. And I had put the picture back together as best I could. But with my view of life being so distorted, what kind of job could I do?? I needed the intervention of my HP to see the real picture, and help me piece my life back together the right way. It took time and effort. Damn near heroics on my part. I had to do it despite the fear I felt, the dread over the outcome, the pain of being cut by those sharp jagged edges. But I followed the 12 steps and slowly but surely, the real me began to emerge. I was a good woman who walked the path of evil, despair, heartache and shame. My character defects magnified by my doc, was a horrible thing to witness, and worse to live. All the better to show others how well this new way of life works for me.
Here is the part of the movie that really got me. If you haven't seen it....this is a spoiler, but it speaks volumes to me.
Here his friend, the green goblin, who has walked the same path as him, dies. Yet Peter Parker/spiderman lives. Is this luck? HP's plan? Did green goblin just walk the path of darkness a moment to long? Did he not rejoin the human race soon enough. I don't know. I suspect neither does Peter Parker.
I used to weigh 450lbs. I was morbidly obese most of my adult life. I almost died because of my severe eating disorders. I was anorexic (way back before it was "fashionable". I was bulimic to the point were I lost my gag reflex and had to use syrup of ipecac to vomit. I have abused laxatives, diuretics, and speed to the point of near death. I ruined my gallbladder and nearly killed my pancreas and liver. I ruined my poor knees due to all the excess weight I carried. I ruined my metabolism. I lost all my lovers, most of my friends, even most of my family. I have lost most of my jobs due to my morbid obesity or the complications thereof. I lost a promising psychiatric career (physician, heal thyself). I have lost almost everything, so many times, most people just gave up onme. My father said to me not 6 months ago this was all for naught as surely, I would die anyway (of this disease). I even gave up on myself in a desperate moment when I tried to kill myself. And I'm not talking about a cry for help here....I wanted the pain of living over, finito, end of story.
Yet here I am. I look around and my life is better than I could ever imagine. I am not where my fellow earth travelers are. How could I be? I just awoke from a 30 year drug induced slumber. They all moved on. They have families of their own, careers, new friends, homes andmortgages, they quite simply have different lives than I could ever have.
My life is different. Yet I don't feel left behind really, so much as I feel grateful to just have the opportunity to be alive. I'm here, and I have no earthly right to be. It is by the grace of my HP, by the grace of His/Her mercy. I believe I am here for a reason. What other explanation could there be for my still being alive after all I have been through? This turnaround is not of my doing. My doing would would have me 6 ft under, long ago.
I look around and I see others, who did not do as bad a job with their lives as I did with mine. They didn't seem to go too far down the dark road to me. Yet they are not here. They lost their lives to this disease. I watch others go down that packed, yet lonely road...and I am helpless to stop them. I cannot force them to turn around, the decision must be theirs.
So here I am....watching friends die from this disease. Grateful to not be them, powerless to stop them from making deadly choices. Knowing the pain they are in. All I can do is to make the next right decision. First things first. Maybe by my example more lives will be saved. I do what I can, where I can, all the while knowing I am only responsible for me.
I know how the character of Peter Parker felt watching his friend die. Knowing all the while it could have been him. SHOULD have been him. Why am I so lucky? Why am I alive? What made the difference.
The only conclusion I have come to is that I will never know. It is a passing thought as I live my life today. The only thing I know is that it gives me a great and sober RESPONSIBILITY to act soberly and to beabstinent. To be a sponsor. To be abstinent. To work the 12 step program to the best of my ability. To be abstinent. To be abstinent. To be abstinent. "With great power, comes great responsibility." I need to be abstinent today. It is the greatest service I can give to those who still suffer.
Here are the words to another song that speaks to me about my recovery (it's not the whole song) ....
Superman by Five for Fighting
I can't stand to flyI'm not that naiveI'm just out to findthe better part of meI'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, more than some pretty face beside a trainand it's not easy to be me
I wish that I could cryfall upon my kneesfound a way to lieabout a home I'll never seeit may sound absurdbut don't be naiveeven heroes have the right to bleedI may be disturbedbut won't you concedeeven heroes have the right to dreamand it's not easy to be me
I'm only a man in a phony red sheetlooking for special things inside of meand it's not easy to be me
Now you may think....does she think she is a superhero or something. Some kind of complex here...get her on the couch immediately....where is Freud when we need him?
But understand, in my life, in my world, today I AM a superhero. I AM fighting the good fight. Sometimes the struggle is easy, sometimes it seems to take Herculean efforts. Sometimes I may fail, other times I win the day. But all in all, I am fighting the GOOD fight, and despite losing an occasional battle I am WINNING! I have powerful allies. My mother, who has never ever left my side despite all that I have put her through. My brothers who have loved me even when I was totally unlovable and didn't deserve their care and kindness. I have the most powerful allies in the rooms of OA. Even when strength of recovery is hard to find I have these allies in literature. My most powerful ally is my sponsor....now she IS a superhero. I learn from her example, she is teaching me to fly, she is teaching me to be free. I am not her, I am different. But I want to be very much like her. Maybe my superhero costume will resemble...but be different than hers. Same colors, different take?? Uniquely mine.
I meet superheros in my f2f meetings. Some have the gift of spirituality if not abstinence. Some I feel a kinship with. Some, I don't like so much, but I admire qualities in them. Some are disturbingly and eerily similar in to me in our experiences/tastes/likes & dislikes. Totally different on the outside, same insides and experiences. Like looking in a mirror, image is completely different, and yet exactly the same. I would not want to go into battle without any of these allies. Yet sometimes I have to. I give my will to my HP. I fight the fight today, even if I have to go it alone. I am lucky though. So far, just in the nick of time, when I think it is all over and I have lost the day, there is one of my superhero allies, come from out of the blue, ready to help me. I thought I was alone, I was going to die in that moment, by myself. But here is one of my brethren. How did they know that I needed them right in this exact moment? Thank you Hp. Thank you fellow OA'er for listening.
I am a superhero today because I am abstinent. Today, I guarantee you, you are a superhero to SOMEONE! We have a responsibility, us superhero's. We need to do the next right thing. When we mess up we don't have the luxury of sitting around and wondering and wallowing in the why. We have to pick ourselves up, stop the bleeding, and keep moving forward. We have to take that next step. We are in a battle alright. We are in a battle to save our lives, and those of our fellow sufferers. To extend the heart and hand of OA, for this, we are responsible. For this, I AM responsible. You have my first name, because I exist, I need a name, to be called something. But you don't have my last name, because we superheroes, we have to be anonymous. It makes it easier for us to do our jobs. Today I saved a life, mine. Please save yours. I need you in this battle.
Superhero name: Reignfyre
Mild mannered real life name: Amy
Height 5'11"
Former weight Appox 430-450lbs
Current weight 195.2 lbs
Date of Abstinence 6/17/06
What is your date of abstinence?

2007-05-27T08:57:00.000-05:00

That first bite is just as dangerous to me as jumping off the roof of a skyscraper or stepping in front of a moving train!!

2007-05-19T10:52:00.000-05:00

Here is my step 7 prayer........

I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. I humbly ask you to remove my shortcomings. Where I have the desire to control, I ask that you replace it with the willingness to let go and let God. Where I have high expectations of myself and others, I ask you to replace it with acceptance. Where I wrongfully depend on others for my self-esteem I ask you to replace it with dependency on you. Where I desire to people please I ask you to replace it with a desire to be true to myself. Where I condemn myself, please replace it with self-acceptance. Where I have lack of trust in You, I beg you to replace it with Faith. Where I lack acceptance, let me accept. Where I expect perfectionism, let me be accepting and tolerant. Where I am selfish, let me be generous and allow freedom of spirit. Where I lack boundaries, let me demonstrate healthy boundaries. Where I manipulate, let me accept and let go and let God. Where I am jealous and envious, let me be loving, accepting, and demonstrate generosity of spirit. Where I am dishonest, replace it with honesty. Where I fear abandonment, replace it with Faith. Where I lack tolerance, replace it with acceptance, and a loving generosity of spirit. Where I am not living in the present, let me enjoy and dwell in the moment. Where I isolate and withhold, let me live in the spirit of fellowship. Where I judge and criticize, let me be loving and accepting. Where I show self-importance let me be self-accepting and humble. Where I am impatient, let me be patient. Where I fear intimacy and lack trust let me be faithful and open. Where I demonstrate fear and lack of courage let me be courageous and show Faith. Where I am self-seeking, let me be trustful of You. Where I have false pride, let me be humble and accepting. Where I am in denial, let me be honest. Where I am greedy and gluttonous, let me be generous. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.

2007-05-17T08:36:00.000-05:00

This is a response to my sponsee regarding fear of taking step 3. I thought it was important to post because sometimes....I fail to take my own advice!! And I need it!!

You are right to take step 3 so seriously. In the OA 12 & 12 it says once we take step 3.....we cannot fail to recover. That is because once we truly put ourselves in our HP's hand....we WILL cease to eat compulsively, eat harmful foods, overeat, etc. That is because it is NEVER our HP's Will that we harm ourselves, or others.
That doesn't mean we won't occasionally make errors in judgment. We are human...we our not God. We WILL make mistakes. We WILL take our will back occasionally. But the big picture is that we will recover if we continually give our will over to our Higher Power.
Do you know the original definition of sin?? It is not to violate God....which is not even possible. "Sin" is an archery term taken over by religion. It means "to miss the mark". That is how I view my recovery. I AM in recovery. Occasionally I will "miss the mark", make an error in judgment, a mistake. My job as a woman in recovery is not to be perfect and never make an error....it is to recognize when I DO make an error (which is inevitable...so why worry about it!), and then correct my thinking as quickly as possible. As time continues I become better and better at recognizing my errors, correcting them better, and even become quicker at doing so. Sometimes I recognize that I am about to make an error in judgment and turn towards my HP BEFORE I make the error. This is great cause for celebration as it is growth. But I do not cover this remarkable achievement with the mistaken belief that I will never sin or miss the mark again. I will, but I have the map to find my way back to my HP. What do I need perfection for when I have the guaranteed safety of the map that shows the steps back to my HP? I am safe and free to explore this world in any way I want. I can always find my way back. Of course if I take a path in the brambles I may show up a little worse for wear....but it is my CHOICE to make any error I please. My HP will always be waiting for me....my HP does not move, my HP does not hide, my HP wants me always to be safe, loved, happy, whole, and at peace. My HP will do anything possible within the boundaries of the laws of this Universe (which she designed) to lead me back home. In fact, I cannot but find the way home. The only choice I have is how long and painful the journey will be.
How long and how painful will your journey be??
Hugs,
Amy

2007-05-01T05:10:00.000-05:00

Today was weigh day. Here is where I am at. 5'11" and 195.2 lbs & 36.5% body fat. Yes, I lost 5 lbs from last month. I must say I am a little dissapointed. Everyone the past few weeks has been commenting on how I look like I lost weight every time they saw me. I wasn't feeling big loss (I can usually feel it) but I have been working out a lot so I thought, "hey, everyone else sees it so it must be true". So I was hoping for 190 & was a little dissapointed at 195. Of course, I have changed the shape of my body a lot through working out and put on muscle which is good. And 5 lbs a month is very good for this stage of weight loss for me so I need to get over it. But this brings up the reason I decided to blog today....resentments. I am feeling a lot of resentments. And the Big Book says resentments are the #1 offender so I am going to do a 5th step with this blog and share with myself, another human being (your human out there....right?) and God the exact nature of my wrongs. Here is my list of current resentments:
my mother (I am feeling smothered by her)
my mother & father (who seem to have everything they want while I seriously financially struggle)
my job (I am not getting enough time off)
Tina & Vicki at work (who abused taking time off & now every minute is being counted for them....and me!)
my weight & excess skin (I'm done with you....go away already)
money (I want more please! I need a car so I can go to recovery places & the yoga ashram....I want to go places and I need a reliable car that is mine to do them in)
me (why can't you get me more money!)
My OA brethern (why can't you be more faithful & attend meetings??? I get scared when you don't show up. I will die without meetings and meetings need people who regularly attend. I need you to get it together and commit to recovery and meetings. Also, service keeps you going. I know....I do a lot of it. I would like you to chip in too!)

OK....I think that is enough resentment today. I see a lot of fear in there too. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of losing OA and my OA friends. Fear of not being able to do the things I want to do in life.

Gotta go to work now. Another day, another $100.

2007-04-29T17:12:00.000-05:00

Wanted to catch everyone up. I have had an exciting month and been a little overwhelmed and really needed to blog more. Then I feel like, I have to much to say so it's easier to say nothing. But that is perfectionistic thinking so screw it....I'll be gloriously imperfect!

I had 4 milestones happen in 4 days. April 16th was my 40th birthday!! Not bad for a girl who was told she would die at 32! A couple of days before that I celebrated by going to Busch Gardens! This was a celebration because it has been a long time since I could fit into rides at amusement parks. Also it was a big test for me, as I would be confronted with a big binge trigger (amusement parks) in combination with being with my mother (who....despite protestations, is also a coe). So that was a hurdle. Also, May 17th was 10 months abstinent for me! Wahooooo! May 15th was the day I finished giving away my 4th&5th step! Yes, it has been very eventful.

I also have a packed schedule coming up. My brother and sister-in-law & 2 nieces are visiting for half a month in May. Also I need to get ready for a trip to Canada in June where I will be meeting my sponsor face 2 face and attending a year anniversary celebration of my abstinence. I think this was my sponsors idea to keep me abstinent until then! LOL!

I haven't had any trouble with abstinence as far as staying away from my binge foods. But I have been plagued with food dreams lately. Even foods I didn't particularly care for. My disease really is out to get me. Fortunately I have powerful allies online and in my f2f meetings and in my sponsor.

I really do want to write more on each of these events and hope I don't forget but I am tired! So I will leave this so I remember to write on it later. Remind me, OK?

Amy

2007-04-26T19:16:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! My name is Amy. I am a coe & fa and very gratefully
abstinent & in recovery today.
I am disturbed this morning, off kilter. That is the best description I
can find for the emotion I am feeling. Understand I am abstinent only 10+
months from almost 3 decades of deep food addiction so I am just learning
about my emotions.
Also know that my top weight was somewhere between 425-450lbs. I was at
or around 350-400 most of my adult life. Currently I am just under 200lbs
(I am 5'11" female). I have lost almost 150 lbs since joining OA and 100
previous to that. So this is a big change for me....BIG! I have lived
most of my life eating supersize and as a result I was a supersized woman.
Lately I have been watching a lot of programs on television regarding
obesity/weight & food addiction. I want to because I want to learn about
this disease lest I ever forget how cunning, baffling, and powerful it is.
Also I want to help others (which will help myself). It also helps keep
me abstinent. Last night I watched a program I had taped (I think it was
on the Learning Channel) called The Brookhaven Clinic and Obesity or
something to that effect. It featured 4 supersize people. The female
actually weighed 100lbs less than me at my top weight! (She must have been
a lot shorter than me). Anyway I was watching this show and listening to
the brave director of this hospital fighting for peoples lives against an
insidious addiction. The worst part of it is seeing the fight and knowing
why they are failing. There is no mention of OA. I just don't see how a
coe/fa can recover long term without OA. It's hard enough to recover WITH
OA! So, I'm seeing how these people have completely reverted into being
babies. They are laying there with rolls of fat in bed (3 were non-mobile
because they were so heavy....several hundred pounds). They had to be fed
(someone had to bring them food), they couldn't go to the bathroom. They
needed to be changed, wiped, etc. They didn't even wear clothes despite
having some that fit. They just laid there waiting for others to attend
to their needs. Expecting the whole world to change and cater to their
existence. They are being provided hospital care with facilities that can
cater to their large size and yet, were not taking advantage of the
facilities. The woman wanted bypass surgery because she had given up
trying to control her food intake (she & others were not eating the
provided diet by the hospital but getting takeout for meals). The
hospital director was against her getting the bypass because she still
couldn't control her food addiction. Also for someone her size the chance
of death is high. Even if she lived the rate of complications for this
surgery are enormous. Of course most people gain the weight back anyway!
So he just didn't see risking her life for nothing. She was adamant that
she would leave the hospital if she had to in order to obtain the surgery
(she said this while eating a sand which that must have contained more
than twice her daily needed caloric intake). She basically said she
couldn't control herself and needed something outside of her to do it for
her.
There was another man and I recognized him....he too was several hundred
pounds. I just couldn't think of where I knew him from. Then the
mentioned it. He was a Richard Simmons devotee who had lost ALL his
weight! I used to dance to the oldies with him. He had weighed several
hundred pounds, lost the weight.....kept his goal weight for one week,
then gained it all back!
He ended up being CUT OUT OF HIS HOUSE!!! Then he lost some
weight....gained it back again. Then finally he got into this hospital.
He was in such pain...he thought he had bone cancer. Turned out he
didn't have enough vitamin D in his system.....all this agony he was in
because he had a vitamin D deficiency. The narrator said that this
deficiency is unheard of in the U.S. except in the case of the morbidly
obese....who can't get outside. You see, sunlight is necessary in a
normal body to make vitamin D. These people were prisoners of their own
body.
We watched another man almost die choking on his own fat suffocating his
throat and lungs.
So I am watching this and I see that:
1) I WAS these people. I remember a co-worker walking by me once as I sat
on the floor sorting product. She said I looked like a happy fat baby!
It really hurt my feelings at the time (obviously....I still remember
it-need to give away that resentment. Guess I'm giving it to all of you).
But I just realized how selfish a life I lived as a super obese person.
Expecting everyone to care for my needs and make me happy. I was so lazy
I would expect others to bring me my binge foods & drink. I wanted them
to go buy them so I could stay with my fat butt parked in my supersized
sofa chair and watch television and NOT participate in life. Yes, I was
in agony....it hurts to be 300lbs overweight. But I wasn't going to lose
it by just laying there. It astounds me how I let it ever get that bad in
the first place. It astounds me that people catered to my needs!!!! They
were NOT helping me. They were enabling me. They were helping me to die.
2) I see the people in this hospital are not helping by enabling these
people. Why should they have access to foods that will hurt them? Sure,
you can't stop them from eating take out. But don't allow it in that wing
of the hospital. If they want it that bad make them go and get it! Then
point out if they can get the food they can bathe themselves, etc. It
just seems like a lot of catering to their needs which keeps them in the
disease.
3) Where is OA??? There should be a mandatory meeting everyday as well as
individual and group therapy. I don't get it.
4) I KNOW how hard it is to lose weight. I also see how much harder it is
to keep it off. This terrifies me.
I guess I am realizing just how difficult this disease is and that
frightens me to no end. I am doing really well, abstinent and losing
weight. Working the steps too. The food doesn't have the hold over me it
once did but I am so scared of the future. I don't want to be overweight
anymore. But I remember how easy it is too give in to the food and not
care about myself anymore once I take that sugar bite. It's like it takes
away my brain & soul and just leaves that baby body that
wants...wants....wants! I need, need, need. More, more, more. It just
leaves desire. Then it causes pain which means I need more of *more* to
squash it. It's such a hard cycle to break. I'm one of the lucky ones,
I've broken it. But going back to that...I know it's easy. I've done it
before too. I was never abstinent and lost the weight. On the contrary,
I white knuckled diets, used drugs, laxatives, and vomited after binges.
So yes, I've lost weight, but I've never been "abstinent" and lost weight
before. I've never really worked the steps before and utilized a sponsor.
I certainly never made phone calls. I've lived around the program, but
not lived IN it. So yes, there is hope...I know. But there is also fear
and frustration. Frustration that I have pounds of excess skin to deal
with....still more weight to lose. Fear that I could one day give in to
the food. So while I am very hopeful for my life I NEED to share my fears
too. My head is a dangerous place to live by myself.
Thanks for listening....really, thanks,
Amy

2007-04-23T07:24:00.000-05:00

Had another disturbing binge dream last night. The reason behind the dream (I believe) is that I am not over 10 months abstinent & I just spent money I don't have booking a flight to visit my sponsor in Canada to celebrate my year anniversary. So in my dream I was before the fridge & cupboard eating a definite binge food and planning on eating a lot more. I was thinking, "is there any way this can be a slip and not a break in abstinence?" And the answer was NO! This is a definate break (as I pooled the pudding out of a pastry with my fingers). God! I so want my year and I had no binge feelings but I guess this is my disease trying to get at me via fear. I feel better just having shared this dream.

2007-04-21T10:41:00.000-05:00

I have some more slogans to add!

F.A.I.T.H. - Feeling An Inner Trust in Him/Her

F.E.A.R. - Forgetting Everything is All Right

More meeting and less eating!

2007-03-17T11:15:00.001-05:00

Today is a celebration day for me!! Today is 9 months of back to back abstinence!!! Nine months is how long it takes to give birth to a baby. I believe I have given birth to myself, my true nature, my essence, which has been hidden so long under hundreds of pounds of fat, hatred, bitterness, and blame. I am finally free of most of the excess weight. Soon I will be finished with my fourth step and I will be free of my past. I really do feel reborn. It does take some getting used to, and that is fine. Wherever I am at today is OK with me and this is just such a blessing. In the meetings they tell us to say what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.

What life used to be like: I only had three states of existence. Abject depression, wildly high euphoria, and the "food fog" which was a comatose state I induced by compulsively overeating. My life was spent living from tragedy to tragedy, numbed by the food fog. Rarely I would have a euphoric feeling that would keep me from slitting my wrists. (Although there was the occasional suicide attempt.) Life was generally miserable, depressing, and not worth living. I felt like a zombie. I was the walking dead. The only thing I lived for was to be alone with an overabundance of my binge foods. My whole day living my miserable life and working my miserable job was only for the hour or two I would be alone in the evening with about $50-$100 worth of fast food and groceries I purchased on the way home. I wanted to die everyday and used to beg God just to kill me. When that didn't work I tried to kill myself.

What happened: I came back to OA, desperate enough to do whatever I was told (that was a first!) I got a sponsor immediately and began to work the program. I emailed the food I ate everyday to my sponsor. I did my stepwork and figured out what my binge and trigger foods were and vowed not to eat them this 24 hours. I did that every 24 hours for the past 9 months. I went to meetings, usually daily, because I needed to hear recovery constantly....especially in the beginning. I learned to make phone calls to others, starting with my sponsor who insisted I make one to her every week. I began to exercise because that is important to my recovery. I began to feed my body healthy and nutritious foods rather than foods that would numb me out in a sugar bliss. I really did what my sponsor told me to do and I have begun to grow up.

What it is like now: I spent 30 years of my life sludging through a very long, dark tunnel I thought would never end. But 9 months ago I saw a little light. I thought just maybe, I could make it to the other side. Now I am there. I am walking in the daylight again and I can feel the warmth of my Goddess shining on my face. I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I am proud of myself for doing some hard work. I am grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. My sponsor, the recovery group, OA, my OA friends, my sponsees....so many! Life is good just because I am alive. Also it is good because I know I can control my thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the world. This gives me power. I may be powerless over food, but I am not powerless over my life. I am, in fact, in charge. I make the decisions. I hope I am smart enough to give my life over to my HP everyday as She can make infinitely better choices than I can!! But I am hopeful that even if I make a mistake, I will choose again.

I cannot say enough how much better this way of life is than the way I used to live. I know we recover together. If you are like me, a compulsive overeater and food addict, I hope you join me on the road to recovery.

Amy

2007-03-06T09:02:00.000-05:00

I started to write a letter to someone but decided to post this before *I* forgot information I know! LOL!

Welcome to OA! Welcome Home!
I assure you this program does work. I used to weigh nearly 450lbs. Now I weigh 209 & I am still losing. I used to be "lazy" and would actually time things like going to the bathroom with other activities because I hated to move. This kind of "lazy" was really because I was overweight. You will see that as you lose weight it is easier to move & everyday life becomes less of a struggle. So you may find out later that you are not as lazy as you think you are. This once lazy & piggy girl now gets her butt up at 5:00 in the morning to kickbox or weight lift. I once was too lazy to make my bed (went a decade without making it) now it's the first thing I do in the morning. I used to be too lazy to brush my teeth!!! I would go days without doing so. Now I wouldn't dream of it. Believe me, if you work this program your life will change *drastically*! And for the better!
One warning......because it seems like you and I have a lot in common. I was engaged to a man who watched EVERYTHING I ate. He used to complain about what I was eating, my portion sizes. My nickname for him was "the food policeman". The next man I was engaged to (and really loved) was the exact opposite. He was slightly overweight but not obese like me. But he enjoyed taking me out to eat & buying & making me food. I did not marry him either but had a realization later that these men were different sides of the same coin. Both were controlling with food. One was controlling in that he induldged me food wise. He encouraged me to eat, and unhealthily. How is this controlling??? If you are obese, you're health and very life is in danger. You are also limited socially. This IS a form of control. It is actually a very common way men control women in this society. Overweight women in this society are near powerless. I know you are probably not ready to think about this yet....but just wanted you to hear it so it doesn't sound so foreign later, when it starts to make sense. Having said that I'm sure your hubby has no idea he's doing it. But if someone really loves you, they don't want you to be overweight. Fat = early death and disease. There is nothing fun about being fat and unfit. There is nothing fun about being unattractive, unable to move, being less employable, and being less valued by society.
At some point, in order to recover, food will have to change for you. I am guessing that right now food is a friend, comforter, and food is enjoyment. For some food eventually becomes the enemy. For me and my recovery....food had to become one thing and one thing only......NUTRITION. Nothing more, and nothing less. Food no longer fullfills my emotional needs. That is unhealthy for me.
Hope to see you in the loops & meetings!
Amy

2007-03-02T13:58:00.000-05:00

I have some very happy news!!! Two of my healthy eating recipes were published in a book by Rodale called "Eat Up Slim Down/Annual Recipes/2007. My two recipes are "Amazing Salad Sandwiches" on P.96 & "Amy's Apple Sandwiches" on P. 101. The book can be purchased at www.rodale.com or www.rodalestore.com. It is a hefty chunk of cash! $27.50!!! But it is a cool book. Of course I get nada if you buy one!! But I just love that my recipes were published. This is encouragement for me as eventually I would like to publish a book on food addiction and weight management. Perhaps I have found my calling. More later!

Amy

2007-02-10T13:04:00.000-05:00

Pain is a feeling, but it can lessen. You have to be willing to let the pain go. Safe is a spot in
your head, an idea that you nurture. No one in this world lives in a space
where they are untouchable, invincible, or without pain. Pain is and
always will be a part of life. Pain can be good, it can let us know we
are alive. It can also let us know when something is not working for us
and we need to let it go. Pain can help us learn to move away from the
thing that causes us pain. Pain is our greatest teacher.
You can't change the factual past. But you can change the future by the
choices you make today. You can also change the way you feel about past
events. Recovery in the 12 step program will help you with this. Please
stick around in these rooms....you will find hope here. You will learn to
build a safe place to exist in your head, that place is often called "God"
or "Higher Power" in the program....but you can call it whatever you want.
I have had a lot of bad things happen to me too. I no longer allow them
to define me or my existence. I am no longer going to be a victim. Oh
someone can do something horrible to me. They can choose to do something
against my will. But I am the one who will define it for me. I will
define how it will affect me. That is the way out of victimhood. We are
powerless over the circumstances of life. But we are all powerful when it
comes to OUR actions, OUR beliefs & ideas, and yes, we are even all
powerful over OUR pain. We can change it, mold it, lessen it, accept it.
No one will be able to wave a magick wand and make the pain disappear.
But I promise you, it can become manageable. You can also take the power
of that awful moment away, the power of the person who hurt you away, by
not allowing that one moment in time to define you the rest of your life.
What happened to me happened. I realize now the men who hurt me were
very, very sick individuals. What happens to them, in their lives, isn't
my problem or concern however. But viewing them as sick rather than evil,
helped me to see that there was nothing wrong with me. I was not a bad
person to get chosen for something so awful to happen. I was an easy
victim, I was a child. But now I am an adult. I choose strength. There
are so many things that define me. I will choose not to allow events I
couldn't control define me any longer. Instead I will choose to allow the
strength I have to overcome define me. I am not a victim....I AM A
WARRIORESS. I AM POWERFUL. I AM FREE! I CHOOSE MY LIFE.
Please keep coming back. Things will change, they always do. If you work
the program, I promise, they will change for the better. Let your HP as
YOU define Him/Her/It hold you like no human can.
Love to you on your recovery journey,
Amy

2007-02-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to write about this situation and subject but didn't know how to start it off! Then someone asked me if they should define mistakenly eating a food as a break in their abstinence. Here was my reply (and something I've been wanting to write about!)
Can I answer this with a story???
I went for a walk in the woods a few weeks ago. This was a real big deal
for me as it was my first hike since my knee surgery. I was very nervous.
Also it probably wasn't the smartest move in the world as the path was
very wet & slick, very muddy. In fact it was so bad as to make the path
impassable at one point & I had to turn around & go back the way I came.
So at one point I slipped....but I caught myself before I fell. I was
laughing out loud at me, the dog, the woods. I actually said out loud to
the trees, "what a nightmare that would have been! Thank God I only
slipped and didn't fall!" I stopped myself cold in my tracks. When I
said those words I thought I was talking about the horrid mud that would
have been caked all over me. Walking back to my car for miles freezing
cold and wet. It was a potentially serious and dangerous situation.
Instead I realized I was talking about my abstinence.
I had been contemplating a story I read (I think it was in Abstinence)
about how someone defined a break in abstinence. I have been gratefully
blessed with no slippery slopes in this abstinence but I wanted to prepare
myself mentally for the future. What would be a break? What is only a
slip? What is the difference?
That moment....that could have been a disastrous & life changing fall was
one of those rare moments of clarity for me. A slip is not a fall. A
slip is NOT A BREAK in abstinence. A slip is the recognition that I can
do better, but I DID NOT FALL! There is no point in setting myself up for
failure by throwing myself on the ground hard and rolling in the mud just
because I almost fell!!!!! I didn't fall, I SLIPPED! Could it lead to a
fall? Sure, it could....but it didn't. Instead I steadied myself, was a
little more careful about my footing the rest of the hike. Played it
safer than normal for awhile. And guess what, I didn't slip or fall the
rest of the hike. A slip, a fall, a jump off a building.....they really
are different things. Sanity is recognizing a slip for what it was, being
grateful I didn't fall, not jumping off the nearest building because I had
a slip.....but just continuing the walk, maybe play it safe for a little
while until I get my footing feeling sure again, but continuing the
journey. Dear dear ******, a slip is not a fall, you didn't break
anything. You stumbled, it happens, we are human. Feel the love I have
for you (that all of us have for you) reaching out to you and know that
you are perfect right now, in this moment, the way your HP created you.
You are not a mistake. Don't beat yourself up, don't punish yourself.
You deserve better, you ARE better. You didn't break your abstinence.
Continue on with the journey and give up the illusion you have to have a
perfect abstinence or you are a failure. A slip is not a fall.
HUGS to YOU!!!!
Amy

2007-01-28T15:17:00.000-05:00

Being abstinent & working the 12 step program gives me integrity. My informal definition of integrity is: doing what I said I was going to do, and not doing what I said I wasn't going to do. But I decided to look up the definition of integrity in the dictionary to see if I was operating within the same framework. 1. Rigid adherence to a code of behavior; probity. I didn't like that definition so much. As an addict I am very naturally an all or nothing, black or white thinker. That kind of rigidity can be dangerous for me. If I think like that, and I make a mistake, then I might as well throw in the towell & give up because I screwed up. Hmmmmmmm, definition 2 might be better. The state of being unimpaired; soudness. Now that is what I am looking for. As an addict I need to be off ALL of my drugs so that I can be sane and clear headed. If I am using any drug I am impaired. Let's check out the 3rd definition. Completeness, unity, purity. That is what I hope to get out of working the 12 step program. Unity of my emotion, mind, body & spirit. Purity of spirit & completeness and wholeness within my life. Working the steps gives me integrity.

2007-01-26T09:58:00.000-05:00

This is a reply from yet another loop....in response to alcoholics not having to drink everyday.
Point of fact.......alcoholics do need to drink everyday in order to live. Alcoholics in recovery choose not to drink alcohol. Food addicts need to eat everyday. Food addicts in recovery choose not to eat addictive binge & trigger foods or engage in addictive behaviors. Compulsive overeaters need to eat everyday, but those in recovery choose to weigh & measure and/or commit their food portions to their sponsor. Some drug addicts need to take drugs everyday of their lives too, but choose not to take narcotics unless prescribed by a doctor.
There is a lack of recovery in OA compared to other 12 steps programs in existence (as I see it). I believe part of the reason (and the danger) is that people don't take their addiction to food seriously enough and that they try to make food a "special" addiction and "different" than other addictions. Addicts are addicts are addicts. The program is the same no matter which program you are in. I believe once you start thinking food is a "different" addiction you are asking for trouble. Doesn't it follow then that you will need a "different" program. The truth as I see it is that you do have to be more vigilant with food than with alcohol....because alcohol is more obvious in it's forms (there are exceptions) and with lack of proper & misleading labeling of food in this country you have to be very careful with what you eat as addictive substances are unknowingly put in your food. But that doesn't make food a harder addiction so much as it makes us better at recovering. We HAVE to be vigilant and we HAVE to take more responsibility for what we put in our mouths if we are to stay recovered (and get recovered). But the addiction process is the same. The recovery process is the same. Put your drug down, get a sponsor, work the steps. No different than any other addict. Hard, yes. Lots of people float in & out of AA. Some are not there because they want to recover but because the state forces them to be there (or their job, families) and sometimes they decide they want to recover & stay, and sometimes they go back out. In OA nobody is forcing you to be there against your will via threat of jail. So there is that difference. Yes, society is not as understanding of food addicts as alcoholics. But that is today. Alcoholics had a rough road to haul when they brought their addiction to the forefront of American consciousness. Now it is our time to bring the true nature of food addiction to this country's consciousness. That is our responsibility....we addicts have to do this. The best way we can help is to recover ourselves. Then we have recovery experience, strength & hope to share. If I seem hard-core it is because I am a hard-core addict...no excuses. So in my recovery I have no excuses. I am responsible for the food I put in my mouth. Lots of reasons contribute to my being an addict but I place no blame as I am always the responsible party when it comes "using" my addictive substances. I am not at fault for being an addict....but I am the only one responsible for putting addictive substances in my body. That is my point of power. If I am responsible for something....then I can change it. My HP gives me the strength to do it....but I do the footwork, no-one else. I am not special or different, neither is my addiction. What works for AA's will work for me. That is a blessing, not a curse.
Of course this is all my opinion.....take what you like and leave the rest.
Multiply addicted and by the strength of my Higher Power recovering,
Amy

2007-01-25T10:09:00.000-05:00

When I focus on my recovery I lose the weight
When I focus on my weight I lose my recovery!

2007-01-23T13:39:00.000-05:00

This is another loop response:
I am sending this to the loop because I believe their are probably a lot of people with these questions. This is just my opinion of course....take what you like & leave the rest.
This is where the 12 step program comes into action. You can't take away your addictive substance....and leave a huge hole in your life. You need to fill that hole with something else. For me it was an enormous hole. Eating, planning to eat, obsessive thinking took up huge amounts of my time & energy. I believe you need to put at least that much time & effort into your recovery as you did into your addiction.
I can write a list of a hundred things to do rather than eat. Some are passive....some are active, to fit any mood & situation. If you WANT to stay abstinent you will have a plan to succeed....if you don't have a plan, you are planning to fail. If you don't want to be abstinent, no list will help you. The excuses to use are just too easy & numerous when you want to use. There is a big difference in my opinion between wanting to be abstinent & sticking to a diet (to lose/gain weight). The big difference is that abstinence gives you something to do with your time. Meetings, phoning, talking to your sponsor, doing stepwork....etc. A diet is just a list of things you can eat. A food plan differs in that it is a freedom plan, it defines what will keep you free of the obsession & what won't.
I know it's unfathomable to you right now....but I can help you with your feelings. FEEL THEM! Don't run from. I spent a lifetime running from them...it is one of the reasons I used addictive substances, to escape feelings, especially anxiety. Trust me, feeling your feelings will NOT kill you. They are just feelings, they pass, they fade. Feelings are not facts & they don't have to be acted on. Learning to feel them & learning to deal with them constructively and in healthy ways is one of the main benefits of working the 12 step program. It's what makes OA different than a diet club. Here are a few program acronyms. Before program I lived in F.E.A.R. Fear everything and run. After program I Face Everything And Recover.
I also would prefer to not eat sometimes rather than risk a binge. I don't though....because that black & white thinking is part of the disease (which is trying to kill you by the way.) Starving yourself (not feeding your body the way a normal person does) is just the other side of the food addiction coin. Overeating, undereating...same disease, different face. I keep myself from both faces of the disease via my food plan. My food plan (which I committed to my sponsor) states I don't eat over a certain amount of food at a meal or daily, & it also stipulates I don't eat under a certain amount. This is freedom for me because I don't have to think about it or worry & stress over whether I should or shouldn't eat. I look at my plan...what does it say? Don't go more than X amount of hours without food. Don't eat more than X. Don't eat less than X. The freedom of not having to worry about what I need to do.
I don't allow myself to use excuses like "I don't know what to eat" or "I don't have anything abstinent to eat". I have set meals I can fall back on anytime, no thought involved. If I worry what am I going to eat or find myself searching the fridge & cupboards I stop myself....have the XYZ meal, you know that's abstinent. I make meals & freeze them just in case. I always make sure I have abstinent food in the house. It is part of my plan...I plan to succeed so I don't fail. My disease will look for any excuse, I try to cut it off at the pass. Perhaps planning your meals the night before & committing them to your sponsor will be necessary.
The meeting is a place where you can share your thoughts, feelings, & experiences. One shouldn't comment on another persons share at meetings. The time for "interaction" is before & after meetings. The meeting is a safe place to share where you know no-one will comment on words or actions. This is a safe place that doesn't exist for a lot of us in the real world. Even positive comments & feedback can have a negative effect on us. I don't know how many times I would give myself permission to binge when someone would compliment me on my weight loss. That was all my disease needed to convince me I could eat again now....I had succeeded! Thanking someone for sharing is to acknowledge them for their share. Not commenting on the share positively or negatively is a gift of freedom for us all so we feel we can share what we need to in a meeting.
I am a gutter coe, but still, not everything I put in my mouth is a time bomb. There are certain foods I have never binged on. The act of eating is a trigger for me but that is why I have specified amounts on my food plan. If I can't eat a food without triggering the "time bomb", than that is not a food I can eat safely. Therefore it goes on my binge or trigger list that I enacted in step one. I don't eat time bombs anymore. Alcoholics drink everyday, but they don't drink alcohol. Compulsive overeaters need to eat everyday too, but they don't eat their binge & trigger foods if they want to stay sane, useful, happy, and free from the obsession.
The place to look for answers is in the program. Go to the meetings and LISTEN. Get a sponsor & program buddies/friends to interact with when you aren't in a meeting. Keep reading the loop mail & when you graduate join other loops. Go to f2f meetings if they have them in your area & write down everybody's phone number. Call them when you want to interact. Read lots of OA literature. There is soooooooooo much to do to help yourself get better. You've made a BIG start! Sending these questions to the loop was a brave step and I bet your disease is NOT happy with you right now. In fact it is probably incensed that you dared asked for help. It is probably trying to convince you that you don't need anybody's help! Recognize that voice now because it is your disease trying to get you. Keep coming back and don't leave until the miracle of freedom from compulsive overeating happens for you!
P.S. (I bet food isn't the ONLY thing that makes you feel good. Your disease just wants you to think that. It's a trap. If nothing else makes you feel good why bother trying to live differently? Don't believe your disease...it's a liar!)
A few things to do other than coe.
-go for a walk
-take a bath
-brush your teeth
-calls a program friend or someone on the buddy list to make a new one
-write a letter
-watch TV/movie
-play a computer game
-brush your dog
-write a gratitude list
-read an engrossing book (not a cookbook!)
-read OA literature
-write an email on your loop
-clean your room/house
-call/write your sponsor
-do some step work
-pray
-do something nice for someone & don't let them find out who did it
-play solitaire
I bet you can add another 50 things to this list! Good luck on your recovery journey!
Love,
Amy

2007-01-22T14:21:00.000-05:00

This is another loop response....hope it makes sense out of context.
When I used to give in to cravings it didn't feel like the supreme
sacrifice. It felt like salvation.
When I was coe I was so into the disease that black was white & up was
down. I didn't see that I was giving up health, happiness, & sanity for a
piece of ********. Instead I thought I was having a small piece of heaven
on a plate. I could not be convinced otherwise.
I truly feel I was given a miracle when I got abstinent. Getting off my
binge foods once & for all gave me clarity I had not had for 30 years. It
was as if I lived in some bizzarro world & this thin bizzarro film had
covered my eyes. Everyone else saw & lived in the real world, but not me.
Then one day my HP took the film off of my eyes & I finally saw the world
everyone had been describing & telling me THEY lived in. I know
desperation got me abstinent...but it does seem as if there was some
missing ingredient that I just can't put my finger on.
There is nothing today worth giving up my abstinence for. I do say that
is for today.
I don't have "cravings" like I used to. I occasionally want "to eat"
large quantities....which is a different type of craving. I believe that
is an emotional craving. But the physical "I'm gonna die if I don't have
XYZ simply doesn't happen anymore. I believe that is because eating
certain substances actually have a biochemical reaction in my body that
causes the cravings. Since I don't eat those substances anymore I don't
have cravings for certain foods. I handle the craving for "more food" by
distracting myself & working the program. I don't eat....no matter what.
I just don't have it in me to face a "fight" everyday. So instead I
prepare myself by arming myself against the disease. I do this by having
a sponsor, going to lots of meetings, reading a lot of recovery
literature, writing, doing service, working the steps, reaching out to
other coe's. They say the best offense is a good defense. I hope to have
so much defense I scare the crap out of this disease! Let it go pick on
someone else it has a better chance against. I'm armed to the teeth!
Thanks for letting me share,
Amy
>

2007-01-19T13:45:00.000-05:00

This is part of an essay in response to the Big Book:
This passage speaks volumes to me....it is hard to know where to begin.
The elusive sensation, I have chased it so often. As my disease
progressed I rarely received the relief I was so desperate for. That
moment of bliss where all the pain & memories evaporated...and I was just,
full....complete. Towards the end of my coe days I never had the relief I
sought & yet still, desperately chased it praying that one day it would
come. It was such a sick & dysfunctional way to live.
If I had a dollar for every time I would start a "diet" or a "new way of
life" I would be Donald Trump! When the cravings for refief from life
hit....it is hard not to turn to the only thing that ever worked, even
when it no longer works & it is killing you. My mind would
scream....maybe this time!!! Once I made the decision to put the food
down & allowed myself some time to heal from the food fog I lived in,
looking at how I lived previous seemed insane. It is incomprehensible how
food could make me crazy, and yet it did.
For me that psychic change really took place in working step 2.
Developing a HP that I could trust in, believe in, & have faith. It was
the first time in a long time I had hope.
Step 3....making the decision to turn my will & life over to my HP, helped
that faith grow. Allowed me the safety I needed in the world to move on
with an abstinent life. Step 2 & 3 are where the psychic change took
place for me. First came the abstinence & the surrender. Surrendering
that I had no control over food, surrender that my life had become a mess,
surrender to a new way of life, surrender my will....all of it. Then the
psychic change.
The medical profession neither hurt nor helped. Professionals tried to
wake me up from my destructive behavior for 20+ years. If you asked me a
year ago I would have told you they hurt me....making me feel guilty about
my weight. But now I see that is a blame game. The truth is the medical
profession saved my life long enough for me to finally get my act together
& work the OA program. I owe a great deal to the medical profession &
could never repay them. Unfortunately most doctors are not trained in how
to deal with addictions nor trained in coe'ing specifically. I think it
us up to me to share my problem & the solution with the medical
profession. I am responsible for sharing my recovery....one doctor at a
time, one coe at a time. If the doctors had information, then they would
be able to act on it. You can't hold the medical professionals
responsible to give information they don't have. Also, I need to take
responsibility for me....the 12 steps have taught me that. No, I have
nothing to do with giving myself this disease...but I & only I am
responsible for treating it. Any harm done to me by the disease of
addiction/food/coe...was done to me by myself & my actions & inactions.
This is a position of power. I can do something about MY behavior, MY
thoughts, MY actions.
I KNOW the promise of recovery is real. I am living it right now. 7
months abstinence may not seem like a lot to some. But I have been shown
a world I never knew existed. I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.
Living in my addiction was like living in a black & white Kansas. But
living in abstinence....the world is in Technicolor!! I feel like
Pinocchio...I'm a real live human!!!! Who knew!
I get very adamant & excited when I talk about abstinence. It is only
because I know how wonderful life is now in comparison to my old life. I
want for every coe in the world to have what I have now. I feel very
connected to my brethren in food addiction. NO ONE can understand me like
another coe & I feel the pain of those who are stuggling. I want to help
them....how can I not? When I know how bad they feel now, & how good they
CAN feel. It is as if we share a body. It is hard because I cannot
magically make anyone abstinent, just like no one could do it for me. I
can only live the abstinence & share it where I can & hope & pray one day
we will all be saved from the hell of living in the addiction.
Blessings,
Amy

2007-01-14T16:12:00.000-05:00

This was in regards to a ? asking how do you help others get abstinent when you see they are letting the disease kill themselves?

It is hard to say this but honestly, I cannot do anything to help anyone recover or make them make the decision to recover. The only thing I can do is share my ESH & to continue to be abstinent myself. Be the example to them! Other than that it is between them & their HP. Facts are that some will die of the disease before they will ever decide to recover. These examples are also needed in program, to remind us why we need to stay abstinent & to help others get abstinent. I am powerless over food, people, places & things & have no control over somebody else's recovery. I need to stay at the point of power, which is in MY recovery.
Hope that helps,
Love,
Amy

2007-01-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

I didn't choose to have this disease....but I did choose to live in the problem and not the solution. My choices have real life consequences!

Amy

2007-01-13T10:30:00.000-05:00

This is a share/post of mine online...hope you find it helpful.

Hi everyone, Amy, coe & fa, in recovery & abstinent ODAT.
I tried EVERYTHING except WLS (I didn't do that because I knew someone
that died from complications after the surgery + I knew too many that had
it & gained all their weight back & more after losing it). Still, miracle
I didn't try that too! I've done All the diets, including the major pay
as you go ones, boxed & packages foods, nutritionists, dietitians,
doctors, pills (legal & illegal), starvation, laxatives, vomiting....blah
blah blah.....you get the picture.
None of that worked for me. I also tried OA once before....stayed 31/2
years, didn't get it either. I loved knowing other people who were like
me with food, but in truth I never wanted recovery. I wanted to be thin.
There is a HUGE difference from wanting to be thin, and wanting to be
healthy emotionally, physically, mentally, & spiritually. They are worlds
apart.
The second time I came into OA "I got it". I needed to know that I had
tried everything & failed. Some things I needed to try twice (yeah, I'm
hard headed). I got it this time because I was desperate & wanted to be
healthy. My focus was on the right thing, abstinence & recovery...not
thinness. Being a normal weight is a byproduct of the recovery, it
shouldn't be the goal. In my opinion abstinence should be the goal
because recovery depends on & follows the abstinence. How can one recover
mentally, emotionally & spiritually after all if they're in a food fog? I
know I couldn't. Once I got abstinent I was able to think clearly & put
the work into recovery.
I found abstinence was a decision I needed to make. It's not a feeling
that one day came to me out of the blue. Hanging around OA & doing step
work while in a food fog never helped me to "get it". 31/2 years of doing
that clearly didn't work. I merely needed to decide to be abstinent.
Once I made the decision to be abstinent I did what it took to stay that
way. How did I know what to do? I did what those who recovered told me
to do. I got a sponsor. I gave my food to her daily as an exercise in
honesty & surrender. I did the step work she gave to me. I read the
literature. I began more & more to reach out. I attended a LOT of
meetings, on line & f2f. I do service. I write. Really none of this was
new information to me....I had heard it all before. But there is a big
difference between having knowledge & utilizing it. This time I used it
because I had to follow through with my decision, my decision to be
abstinent. It was a simple decision, but not neccessarily easy to follow
through with, especially at the beginning.
Sometimes I needed (and still do) need to go to on line meetings all day
long. I belong to several loops & read emails & write them. Sometimes I
need to play a computer game just to keep my hands busy so I don't eat.
Sometimes I have to actually sit on my hands...but I do it because I know
I DON'T EAT NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! For me that resolve got stronger
& stronger the longer I stayed abstinent as long as I did not allow myself
to get sidetracked.
Last month my disease was trying to get me. It convinced me I needed to
go back to school...now! Then that I needed to get a second job to pay
off my debts....now! Then get involved in a relationship.....NOW! I knew
better....I know you don't make any major life changes until you've had a
year's worth of abstinence under your belt & you've worked all the steps.
Big duh!!!!!!!!! But my disease is insidious, cunning, baffling,
powerful....patient. I looked into going back to school, started a job
hunt, was going to sign up for an on line dating service. Then I
remembered...oh yeah....abstinence is your FIRST priority. Without it,
you have nothing, you will lose everything. So I stopped myself from
going back to school for now. I will survive financially for a little
while longer without another job. Dating can definitely wait. I need my
recovery. So instead I signed up for more service jobs on line, f2f, and
took on some sponsees, joined more loops. That took care of some extra
time & kept my focus where it needs to be....Abstinence/recovery, ODAT.
I have found this Tradition study invaluable. It reminds me why the OA
meetings I used to attend are no longer around and while I need to be part
of the solution of recovery and a message bringer to meetings & not a
"mess" dumper.
Thanks to everyone for posting,
Love & blessings,
Amy

2007-01-08T05:04:00.000-05:00

This is one of my writings from my online recovery loops. I need to do these, to remind myself what I used to be like, what I am like now, and how I got this way.
My name is Amy, & I am a compulsive overeater and a food addict,
gratefully in recovery today.
I have been blessed with 61/2 months of back to back abstinence and a
108lb weight loss since coming into OA. This has been a blessing. All of
us have probably heard the term "gutter drunk". I am a gutter coe. I
really thought there was no help for the likes of me. This is my second
time around in OA. My first time around I didn't get it. I didn't
understand the program and I needed to leave, to experiment, to get drunk
on food a whole lot more, to have more negative life outcomes, before I
was willing to work this program.
That's what I wanted to share on today. What I was like, what happened,
what I am like today.
I don't want to dwell to much on what I used to be like. My story is
extreme compared to most. I went bankrupt because of this disease. I
made it a habit to take cash advances of at least $50 a day on my credit
cards to pay for my habit. That didn't include the money I charged for
food at restaurants. I remember having to go to gas stations to buy $50
worth of binge foods because it was only my gas card that had any limit
like. Do you know how degrading it is to spend $50 at a gas station on
your gas credit card & not get any gas?
I almost died from this disease. My binge eating led to pancreatitis. I
laid in a hospital bed for a month & had 3 surgeries to save my life. I
was told I could die if I ever binged again. Did that stop me! Not on
your life.
My fiance left me because he didn't want to marry a fat girl. I used to
kid myself into thinking he was a bad guy. Looking back I don't blame
him. Who would want to marry the mess I was?
That is a small taste of what I used to be like. I can sum it up in a few
adjectives; dirty, smelly, unkepmt, morbidly obese, crazy,
obsessed....get the picture?
What happened? I came to OA, desperate to recover, and willing to go to
any lengths....that's what happened. I got a sponsor, I work the steps, I
go to meetings, I give service, I read literature, I write, I make friends
ni program....I do what it takes. That's what happened.
Yesterday I shared on my weight loss at a meeting online. This wasn't to
brag, this was to show newcomers that yes, this program really does work.
Immediately I recieved two private messages asking me, "what diet are you
on?", "what is your food plan". I explained simply that I don't eat my
binge foods and directed them to my blog so they could get more
information. I was put off by the question but didn't understand why. Now
I realize that was the wrong way to respond.
The right way to respond was...."that's the wrong question!" No food plan
or "diet" ever kept me from compulsively eating. Don't ask me what "diet"
I'm on.....I'm not. Don't ask me about my food plan, it won't work for
you. Ask me, "what do you do to stay abstinent?".
I spend a lot of time on my recovery. Let me share with you what I did
yesterday to stay abstinent.
1) I followed my food plan.
2) I went to 2 online meetings and led one.
3) I spent about 2 hours working on my computer so I could lead online
meetings.
4) I exercised per my Dr.'s orders because it supports my recovery.
5) I talked with someone from program on the phone.
6) I emailed on my home loop.
7) I read about 100 emails from the loops I belong too. I answered
questions & responded to essays.
8) I called and talked to my sponsor.
9) I read program literature.
10) I prayed and meditated.
11) I talked to several OA's online & got phone numbers.
Notice how much time I spent on recovery yesterday?? Several hours. Is
that a normal day for me....no. Is that a normal weekend for me....yes!!
I spend several hours a weekend on my recovery. Some may say, "I'm not
going to do that, I have a life". So do I! I have a life thanks to the
program. I meantioned food once. I mentioned exercise once. How many
times did I mention a form of service? How many hours did I spend
planning my food...none. My food choices for the day took a minute maybe.
Food just wasn't a priority yesterday. I ate to live. I didn't have to
worry about what I ate because I have a plan to take care of me. It is
second nature now. In fact, I was really to busy living yesterday to be
concerned with food. Food kept my body going yesterday....it was nothing
more to me than that. That was Sunday.
Saturday was a bad day for me. It was the first time in 61/2 months that
food really called me. No paticular food (which is a huge difference),
but volumes of food. My response to that was not to give in & have a
taste. I know a taste of food will at the least start the obsessive food
thoughts and at the worst will lead to an all out binge that could end
with me being put 6 ft in the ground. No thank you, I like being sane.
My response was to go to meetings, email recovery friends, make phone
calls, do service work, meditate, pray. That is how you recover, that is
how you lose weight, that is how you work a program.
I have a f2f meeting tonight. I know the chances are I will be the only
abstinent person there. I also know I will probably be the only one not
mentioning food or my new "diet" plan at the meeting. I know this from
experience....it's OK. This is where the people at this meeting are at.
I bless them & save me. I feel a great responsibility to show up to the
meeting, stay abstinent, and to talk program and not diets. I know the
people who ask me what diet I am on don't get the program yet. That is
OK, I was there once too. I hope and pray they stick around long enough
to "get it" in these rooms. I hope and pray they don't do what I did &
leave the rooms and have to go through the torment of this disease alone.
They may have too, it may be their path. It is a painful one...but for
some of us very neccessary. In any case, I take no responsibilty for
their path, I can only take responsibility for my own. But I know there
are so many people struggling and in deep pain right now, that don't know
what to do. I used to be like you, and if I make the mistake of picking
up the food again to soothe my nerves, alter my mental reality, I will be
right there with you in a heartbeat. I don't want to go there, I'll do
anything it takes not to go there. I will literally go to any lengths.
If I have to attend a meeting everyday for the rest of my life, I am more
than willing. If I have to pick up my phone which weighs 1 ton, I'll do
it. If I need to do service, I'll do it gladly. I don't ever want to
trade this life for the one I used to have. To put it midly, the last
life sucked. I was always miserable, always in pain (physically &
mentally), I was out of touch with my HP, I was always obsessing about
food (what I'm going to eat next, what I can't eat, how much I want this
or that). I don't want that life anymore. I like the life where I can see
my talents blossom. Have time to be with people instead of food & food
thoughts. Be of useful service to myself & my fellows. Be attractive.
Be healthy. Be alive!! This is the life I want. Go to any length??
Absolutely, This is a way to live!!!! Diet's, they are a way to die,
slowly & miserably. I'm either on the path to recovery or on the highway
to hell. I don't know for sure which path I will be on tomorrow. But I
know the path I am on right now, I like the view.
This is what I'm like now. I couldn't sleep...woke up way early. In the
old days I would eat myself into a stupor and not be able to function
properly all day. Today I get up out of bed, get online & do some
recovery work. I have to go now & get my dr. prescribed exercise in. Then
I'll eat an abstinent breakfast & go to work. I will probably forget
about food until I get a hunger pang which reminds me it's time to eat. I
won't get home until late tonight because I have a f2f meeting. I hope I
have time to get on my email loops tonight. This is how I live an
abstinent life.
Blessings to you in recovery,
Amy

2006-12-23T09:08:00.000-05:00

Wanted to share my thoughts on the issue of anger & discontent. This is spurred by a dream I had right upon awakening & a talk by a spiritual guru of mine.
It is also a testament to the perfection of the 12 Step program and how it works.
This guru was on a talk show and discussing what happens when one dies. He said that you could choose whatever type of Heaven or Hell you wanted when you died...it depended on what you thought. The moderator asked about what traditional Heaven was like....were there harps & choirs? This guru said hell was more interesting than a perfect Heaven. Because you needed "Divine Discontent" in order for anything to happen.
It struck me that is why the meetings & the "meetings after the meetings" are so important in the 12 Step program. When addicts pick up & use...emotionally we stop maturing. It has been my experience when we reach the program we are usually stuck somewhere in adolescence. With the help of the 12 Steps, our sponsor, and our fellows we start to grow up once we become abstinent/sober. Once the food fog has been lifted and we can see with new eyes we start to tackle the problem of "growing up" which we have denied ourselves because we were too into our drug. The world is sometimes not a forgiving place in which to learn and grow, especially when we have mature adult bodies, and adolescent brains! The people we work with may not understand a childish reaction to an adult situation after all. But here in the 12 Step rooms, there are people at all levels of recovery: physical, emotional, and spiritual. These rooms are the perfect place to throw temper tantrums, get angry, frustrated, make mistakes. Here is where you will have old timers who have been there, done that, understand what you are going through and help lead you out. You will have the upstart "youngster", the wise old crone, the nurturer, the fire starter, the peacemaker, all personality types represented. Those to learn from, those to push your buttons. I find the ones the push my buttons usually are the ones I learn the most from.
At first I thought the cyber rooms were a great place to supplement program....after all, isn't it obvious that a f2f environment is a better one? I find the answer to that question isn't so obvious. Some of us don't have access to f2f meetings, but even those who do pretty much see the same faces everyday, the same personalities. In these worldwide "cyber rooms" we have a larger experience. A real opportunity to meet with others who have vastly different belief systems and ways of living. I have talked with people from other countries, other religions, other ways of living. What a wonderful environment in which to grow.
It occurred to me that we also need "divine discontent" in these rooms in order for us to practice this new way of living. How else will we practice the principles of this program? It is a much more forgiving environment in which to learn than say, my workplace or family of origin.
I was thinking about my physical recovery (abstinence) and why I got it my second time around (I was a dismal failure my first time around gaining 200lbs in program!) I knew desperation was the reason, I knew it was based in fear. But it was not fear of death. This was important for me to figure out because I have had so many people ask me in my f2f & on line meetings, what finally kicked in? What thought made you make the decision to be abstinent & begin to recover? Yes, I was desperate to recover, but what made me desperate?
My first time around in program I was only in 2 or 3 months when I was hospitalized dying. More than a decade of rapid weight loss & weight gain, binging & purging had caused massive gallstones. One released & got stuck in the pancreatic duct. Bile released into my system, spilled over, and eventually started digesting my organs. It was a bit of a mess! I was not expected to live, but miracle of miracles I did! I remember my doctor telling me, "You can never overeat again. You can never purge again. You can never drink again. If you do, it might kill you." Well of course being the sane rational person I was, I spent the next decade binging my brains out! Gaining 200lbs! In other words, death did not scare me enough to stop engaging in my drug of choice. I remember an incredulous OA member saying to me I was lucky, I was told I would die, that should be enough to scare me into action. Well it wasn't. So why so many years later, did I finally come back to OA and get abstinent?
Last night it hit me. I came back shortly after I had seen the doctor. The had run a huge battery of tests on me & finally come up with a diagnosis after decades. I did have an illness, I was not crazy. I had been misdiagnosed for a decade. There was some real good news. My very learned specialist had told me...."There is every reason to believe, you will live a normal life span." This scared the hell out of me!! I had been told by doctors so many times I would die, I would die early, I would die disabled. Hey, that I could handle. I never thought I would live to see 40, se la ve! But now, at 39 I was being told....I could live to be 70, 80!!!!! OMG, I might live to be old! OMG, I might be like everyone else on planet Earth!!! My life is uncertain. I am not special, I don't know my expiration date. I am like everyone else, if I take care of myself.
I finally figured out the turning point for me in my recovery journey. It was not fear I would die that got me abstinent, it was the fear I would live. It was the fear I would go on for 10,20,30 or more years living like I had already done. Living paycheck to paycheck trying to feed my habit. Not having meaningful relationships & people in my life. Moving through life as a sad sack, "so special" I could never be happy like everyone else. "So different" I could never be useful. Fear and discontent have useful purposes sometimes, they can be powerful motivators.
It is good not to be special and different than everyone else. If I am like everyone else, that means that what works for other people will work for me. I have been in 12 step rooms for a long time (many different programs). I have seen the 12 step program work for hundreds of people I have personally spoken with & talked with. All different types of people, all different types of personalities, all different belief systems. Some I like, some I don't, it really doesn't matter. The ones who work the program get abstinent & sober. I have seen many more hundreds come in the program and leave. I see some stick around for years and never work the program (I was one of them). I see most come & go, and sometimes come again. It takes what it takes to get discontent enough, desperate enough, to actually work the program. That doesn't make anyone better or worse than anyone else. It doesn't make anyone more special or different. When you get desperate enough to work it, you will and it will work. 1+1=2. It took a lot for me to do the math!!
This is just my experience in program. It may not match your experience. But it is important for me to share it. I cannot keep what I do not give away. And man, do I wanna keep this!!
I hope everyone has a happy holiday season!!
Blessings in your recovery journey,
Amy

2006-12-22T17:10:00.000-05:00

Lightbulb Moment!

When I arrived home from a long day at work last evening I came home to some medical bills. Thankfully HP has provided me with money to pay them. But the debt was weighing on my mind. The next morning I followed my recovery routine by picking out some divination cards. The card for my day was "Time to move On....It's time to let go of the old & worn out so the new can come in." I didn't understand what it was referring to. Driving to work I got very upset & started crying. "All these bills to pay. This is too expensive. I need to switch to an HMO. But then I won't be able to see my specialists. What if I get sick again & I'm stuck with a lousy HMO? What if I keep the PPO & get sick again.....I'll never get out of debt?" On & on the thoughts went. Then it was as if someone hit me on the head with a hammer. Why are you worrying about being sick in the future? Just because it happened in the past? YOU MAY NEVER BE SICK AGAIN! You are living in the past. Living as if the past will be your future. IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON!!! It was as if HP really had to knock me in the head. I was using the past to predict the future. But my illness was really brought on by my addiction....which I am no longer practicing....so why would I get sick again? Even if I did, all I can do is prepare the best I can. I can't predict the future. There is no sense in worrying....WORRY MAKES YOU ILL! A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. The past is the past, it doesn't predict my future. I am changing my future by living rightly in the present!

As an aside I am living through the holidays abstinently & without resentment towards others because they can eat what I can't.

Blessings,

Amy

2006-12-22T15:38:00.000-05:00

Some more sayings from OA & 12 step:

-My recovery routine is a way to do service for others...so they don't have to deal w/me being anxious, out of control, & practicing my addiction!

-The 12 steps shrink my world down to a manageable size

-My body requires a lot of maintenance....but it's worth it.

-I don't ride the sugar rollercoaster anymore, instead I choose the sweetness of life.

-I choose to enjoy the sweetness of life.

2006-12-16T17:35:00.000-05:00

I have some more 12 step sayings:

K.I.S.S.- Keep It Simple, Surrender

Humility is the best defense against humiliation

T.I.M.E.- Things I Must Earn

Everyone has regrets....but it doesn't have to be a life sentence!

Integrity is the torch that cuts through the chains of a painful past.

I am not a victim of the fates, but a co-designer of my destiny!

Feel, Deal & Heal!

Face your stuff, don't stuff your face.

Forgiveness means being willing to let go of the pain that others caused me.

D.E.N.I.A.L. - Don't Even Notice I Am Lying

All character defects are 1) broken character assets or 2) excuses to maintain control I never had.

Character defects are coping strategies that have ceased to work for us.

Before recovery I only cared about what went in my mouth....after recovery I learned to care what went in my mouth & what came out of it.

G.O.D.-Good Orderly Direction

Some of these may be repeats...but they are worth repeating.

2006-12-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

This is a posting I did for a few recovery loops. It is a synopsis of my story (again). Wanted to share it with all of you.

My name is Amy, I am a coe, fa, alkie, druggie, sex & love addict.
Yes....I AM an addict.

I have been a food addict & compulsive overeater as long as I can
remember. Food was always a primary factor of life in my family of
origin. Almost everyone in my family has addictions with food, and some
with alcohol. Obesity (morbid obesity no less) runs in my family and many
have died from it or complications from obesity (type 2 diabetes & heart
attacks, etc). Food was always a reward in my family and also a comfort.
I was a star in my family growing up. First of all because I was the
oldest. Secondly because I was smart & precocious. Thirdly because I
almost died as an infant and was not expected to live. I ranked high in
the reward food hierarchy.

My mother was ironically, thin while I was growing up. But so obviously a
food addict. She hoardes food & used food to teach us growing up. Yes, I
learned to read & write early on. Mom told me how to write my name in
ketchup on my sandwiches! However time eventually caught up to her!

I was "chubby" and a "big girl" early on. When I was 10 I went through
puberty and became almost 6' tall & got boobs. I remember walking into my
fifth grade class & having my male teacher tell the class Amy got her
period because I had breasts. That is when my classmates started calling
me fat & picking on me. Now I look back at pictures and see I was a ten
year old built like a woman with a killer bod. I should have been
modeling! But instead I got a complex (people really do become what you
call them) and I started to seek comfort in food. I did gain weight &
quickly began the "dieting". Notice the first 3 letters in that word are
DIE! I didn't know what I was doing. I figured if less food meant you
lost weight....I would eat less. I was eating as little as 50 calories a
day. I was too weak to move. When we went on vacation at the beach it
was over a hundred degrees and I sat huddled in the sun with all the beach
blankets wrapped around me. My Dad recognized I had a problem (this was
before anorexia was a recognized condition by most). My family did not
believe in hospitals or doctors, they cost money. Instead my Dad solved
the problem by force feeding me. I started eating that day and rarely
stopped for the next 29 years. Up until that point I had never been more
than a few pounds overweight....that would change.

I started to gain a lot of weight as a teen. The taunts of others caused
me to retreat further & further into the food. I would go on extreme diets
to lose the weight & then gain it all back and more. I know this part of
the story is familiar to most. But I really went to extremes. The more
weight I gained the more disconnected I became from my body until I
totally disassociated. Once that happened I really had no idea how big I
got. I was in denial that my weight was a problem despite all the medical
problems I had. Every few years I would decide to do something about it,
extreme diet, lose weight, gain it all back & more, and on and on. In my
late 20's/early 30's my job shut down & I decided to go back to college.
P.E. was a required course taught by "Killer Cripken". Well Killer was
really into health & I learned a lot and lost weight and got in shape. I
was in the best shape of my life but still eating poorly. A meal would be
4 or 5 servings of low fat ice cream. Sure I lost weight...but I was
still way into the food and obsessed with it. Still indulging in my binge
foods big time (not knowing that was a bad thing). Eventually this led
into all out binging. But I couldn't gain the weight back. What to do?
Well syrup of Ipecac solved that problem. I went to the drugstore and
discovered my new cure for all my weight problems. Now I could binge all
I wanted without repercussions. I was still thin enough for my extreme
sports lifestyle...all was well. Everyone thought I looked beautiful too.
But all was not well.

I started to realize I was gaining weight anyway. I was desperate. I had
already tried all the formal diets & big money weight loss schemes. I was
desperate. I found this OA and went to a few meetings.

I was not impressed with my first several meetings. They were very small
& full of "whiners" who just complained about being fat. This was not for
me I thought. Yet I kept coming back. I'm not sure why.

Then I started feeling particularly poorly after a bad binge. I seemed to
swell up but I disconnected from my body and ignored it. Pretty soon my
college life of fun & food would end.

The next thing I knew I was being rushed to the hospital. I felt so
embarrassed knowing all this fuss was being paid to me & how awful I would
feel when they found out nothing was wrong with me. When I first arrived
at the hospital the nurse said it looked like appendicitis and it was no
big deal. So imagine my surprise when the doc sat down on my bed and told
me I was dying....and he didn't know why.

He had suspicions...but he wasn't sure. He needed to do exploratory
surgery...but I was too ill and would die on the operating table. We
would wait and see if I stabilized enough to do surgery. In the
meantime...I could not eat, drink, have ice chips...NOTHING! Anything
that activated my digestive system could kill me. Talk about a food
addicts nightmare. I laid in that hospital bed for a month with NO FOOD,
NO DRINK, NO NOTHING to comfort me. I was in agonizing pain. They would
do an exploratory surgery only to have me crash. It was 3 exploratory
surgeries before they could finally find out what was wrong. My extreme
dieting, rapid weight loss & weight gains, caused me to get huge
gallbladder stones. On my last binge one released & got stuck in the
pancreatic duct. No bile could get out. It built up and built up until
it leaked all into my internal organs....digesting them. By the time they
got all that cleared up....it was too late. My Dr. tried to give me pep
talks, saying the only thing keeping me alive was my will to live. I told
him I would die then, because I was done. He wanted to do one last
surgery, thinking maybe he missed something. I said no, I want to die.
They gave me my own room so I could be comfortable.

Then, I didn't die. It was a miracle. Later the doc told me he had never
seen anyone as sick as I was live. He said, "you are a miracle". In the
meantime none of my very good friends came to visit me in the hospital,
NONE. Only family, and these people I had just met in OA. They didn't
even know me. But they traveled pretty damn far to see me in the
hospital, to cheer me up, and bring me gifts. I never forgot that.

The Doc told me I could never compulsively eat again or overfill my
stomach as I was now prone to pancreatitis. Every time I did, could be my
last. No alcohol either, nada.

As soon as I was able to walk & drive, I went to the nearest supermarket &
bought all the food I could and then had a few drinks. No, I didn't learn
a thing.

Except that these OA people understood me. I kept going to meetings, for
31/2 years. I was very active in service and made lots of friends. I did
a lot in OA, including gaining over 200lbs hitting my top weight of 450.
I was never abstinent and very rarely worked the steps. But there was
some hope, understanding, and companionship. Eventually though I gave up
hope. I dived back into the food and left OA. I put away all my OA
books, tapes, and literature, but I didn't throw them away.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Several years later, still heavy, I was listening to Howard Stern on
satellite (I know....this gets weird. Saved by Howard Stern!) I was
listening to a celebrity talk about her ex-husband (they had their own TV
show) and Howard asked how he lost all his weight. The celebrity outed
her husband as a 12 stepper who went to OA. Well, this was a real break
of anonymity but it probably saved my life. I went to an OA website that
night & looked for a meeting. To my dismay I found all meetings in my
area were gone. But there were these Internet meetings. I went to one
that night & asked for a sponsor. One person told me she was a sponsor
and I grabbed her. That was my first abstinent day.

Tomorrow will be my 6 months anniversary of abstinence. I have lost over
a hundred pounds. I am now around 230. I might be stalled for awhile as
I just had knee surgery and I need to let that heal. But the real miracle
isn't the weight loss. It's the abstinence and the clarity of mind that
has come with it. I am very grateful for my sponsor, for OA, for the 12
step program. for TRG, for all the loops, especially the newcomer loops.
I am grateful to still be alive and to be in program. I really need to
hear about others recovery. I especially need to talk with people who
have lost a lot of weight, have a lot of weight to lose, and those who are
keeping it off. There are so many problems that come with obesity that
some just can't understand. I am sending this to all my new loops. Thank
you all for being here and making this program work. My name is Amy, and
at meetings you might know me as Reignfyre.

Blessings to you on your journey,

Amy

2006-11-18T19:24:00.000-05:00

It has been awhile since I've written on my blog & I've had so much to write too! I have been very busy living life. It is only recovery that has allowed me to do so. I will write later but wanted to touch base quickly. I have 155 days abstinence now!! That is over 5 months! Last time I weighed myself I was 241 lbs (big difference from 450!) and 44% body fat. Things are looking up. When I first became abstinent I was looking forward to getting back into my size 28 pants. Now I just purchased a pair of 18 jeans. Whoooohoooo. Here are some 12 step OA sayings I have collected recently:

F.E.A.R. - Face Everything And Recover

D.E.N.I.A.L - Don't Even Know I Am Lying

I am powerless over food......not footwork!

In the times of sanity....prepare for the times of insanity.

I am not a bad person trying to get good, I am a sick person trying to get well.

Insanity is when food talks. Further insanity is when I listen. The worst insanity of all is when I believe every word it says!

Every meeting is a payment on your loan of abstinence.

I want to be "a size of dignity".

Step 11 is medicine that puts compulsive overeating in remission.

B.I.N.G.E.-Because I'm Not Good Enough

I'm a PH.D. Piling in in Higher & Deeper

The disease is physical. The cause is emotional. The cure is spiritual.

We are what we repeatedly do.

What is revealed, will be healed.

I pray all coe's & fa's everywhere will be healed.

Peace and love,

Amy

2006-10-19T13:29:00.000-05:00

"The DRAGON"

I heard someone share once that alcohol was a dragon that alcoholics had to put in a closet. That the difference between alcoholics & coe's is that while alcoholics can put the dragon in the closet and forget it food addicts have to take the dragon out for a walk 3 times a day. I know this can be used as a justification for "playing with food" and for bingeing and losing abstinence. In my opinion it's an excuse (one I used to use often) for giving in to the disease. It is my disease, speaking to me, luring me. "Hey Amy, who are you kidding? This food thing is forever. You can't ever get away from food. You HAVE to eat it 3 times a day at least! And who are you fooling. If you have to keep eating it you will eventually give in to the binge. So why try what you are destined to fail at? Just go ahead & give in already. Be sensible!!" But the thing is, that thinking is a lie!! Alcoholics drink EVERY DAY! Just like coe's/food addicts eat every day. But alcoholics in recovery DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL! And coe's/fa's in recovery don't eat their binge & trigger foods. It really is a simple equation. I have tried wrestling with that dragon before....the dragon always wins!! Now, I choose not to fight with the dragon. I eat the foods that aren't on my binge list. This way I don't trigger the physical craving for foods that will kill me. I stay away from dangerous people & dangerous places. That way I don't obsess about food. I don't skip meals so that my body doesn't get so hungry I trigger "survival - eat everything in sight" mode. I do what those who have successfully recovered did. And now I'm recovering too. I understand the need to think that food addiction is different and harder to recover from than any other addiction. The need is my disease wanting to feed itself. Wanting to survive. The need is desperation, desperation to live doing anything it can to not die. Fortunately for me my desperation to live, survive, my need to do anything neccessary to sustain my life, is stronger than my diseases needs and wants. I believe that is due to HP. The dragon is still there. I need it to be there so I remember everyday that I am a food addict. I need to never forget that certain foods are no longer for me. That I am different in that way from others. That difference isn't good or bad, it just is. But it makes the dragon neccessary. But the thing is, while I see the dragon daily, recognize it's presence, remember that it is dangerous, I don't play with it. The dragon is someone else's toy now. The dragon isn't for me to play with anymore.

2006-09-23T11:56:00.000-05:00

Hello!

Wanted to share some program sayings with you! The slogans are important in my recovery because they are simple. Some people think they are simplistic. But I find that as an addict....I like to make everything extrodinarily complicated. Complications & chaos are good ways to get lost in my mind....and a good excuse to let the disease take over. Simple is better!

If you do not plan to succeed....you are planning to fail!! (Especially true of your food plan if you are a compulsive overeater or food addict!)

FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real!

I am an ego maniac with an inferiority complex!

Resentment is like taking poison & expecting the other person to die!

God doesn't make junk!

The most sober/abstinent person today is the one who got up first!

If I'm listening to myself I am getting really bad advice.

Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less often.

My mind is out to get me.

First things first.

Take it easy.

One day at a time.

You've got to give time, time!

Insanity: Doing the same thing over & over expecting different results.

Don't forget to practice HALTS: Don't allow yourself to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired or Stressed.

A coincidence is God performing a miracle anonymously.

EGO: Easing God Out

SLIP: Sobriety Losing It's Priority

Let go and let God.

You can't, God can, let Him.

Addiction: physical allergy + mental obsession

Slippery people & slippery places lead to slips!

Keep coming back!

The program works if you work it!

Meeting makers make it!

Have an attitude of gratitude!

God is the solution, but you still have to row to shore!

I came. I came to. I came to believe.

Yesterday is history. Tommorow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.

It's a lot easier to STAY abstinent/sober than to GET abstinent/sober.

HOW? Honesty, Open-mindedness, willingness.

When you pray just talk to God. When you meditate just listen.

Courage is fear that has said it's prayers.

You're best thinking got you here.

The most important amends are those that you need to make to yourself.

It took every drink/bite to get you here.

Fake it till you make it.

Procrastination is low intesity, chronic fear.

Live life on life's terms.

God may give you the seeds but you have to plant them yourself.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Don't compare your insides to other peoples outsides.

What other people think (of me ) is none of my business.

There are no victims, just volunteers.

Wherever you go, there you are.

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

The program is simple, not easy.

You attract what you are.

Keep it simple.

This too shall pass.

Stinking thinking leads to eating/drinking.

You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

You have to give it away to keep it.

What you think is what you become.

Change is a process, not an event.

Progress, not perfection.

As long as you can stay abstinent/sober, God can talk to you.

Principles before personalities.

Easy does it, but do it!

You can't change the world, ony yourself.

God wasn't lost, I was.

Come to meetings to see what happens when people don't come to meetings.

Mean what you say, say what you mean, and don't say it mean.

Everything I do is a step towards recovery, or a step towards relapse.

TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More!

Food filled the hole until I became whole.

When I point my finger at someone else there are 3 fingers pointing back at me.

Don't leave before the miracle.

Bring the body & the mind will follow.

"No" is a complete sentence.

Feelings aren't facts.

You are only as sick as your secrets.

My sanity is inversely proportional to my expectations.

My drug of choice is MORE!

Anything you put before your abstinence....you will lose!

I'm a very persuasive person, I can convince myself of anything.

My mind is a very dangerous place to be.

Willingness is the key to acceptance.

I need to get out of my own way.

Do the next right thing.

Share it or wear it.

God speaks through other people.

You can start your day over at any time.

Here is one I read in a book called "Denial is not a river in Egypt" by Sandi Bachom. It is one I never heard before but described me perfectly.

"The [addicts] compulsion to have everything done right this minute is usually balanced by a rare talent for procrastination." I changed alcoholic to addict.

Most of these sayings (I'm sure) are in this book & another I have "My mind out to get me" from Hazelden. Although some might not be or may be worded differently. I put program slogans on my screen saver at work so I see slogans all day long. It is amazing how it helps me. There is another place I hear slogans all the time......meetings!! After all, meeting makers make it!

Have a blessed/abstinent/sober day!

Amy

2006-09-21T18:37:00.000-05:00

A Lesson In Problem Solving

I need to vent!!! So here I am! Sharing with all of you! (There's got to be at least 2 of you....right?) It was regarding statements made after a meeting. Someone who thinks for some reason I will never understand that they seem to be the authority on OA. I believe this person thinks that because they are a part of a certain organization (which anybody can be a part of) that they know more than others. It is ironic that this knowledgeble person is always around to comment on what others say to newcomers & yet is noticeably absent when newcomers have questions. Very irritating. Particularly irritating when this person happens to be wrong!! This wasn't regarding an opinion issue (such as what constitutes "abstinence") but on an issue regarding meeting protocol, which happens to be written in black & white.....(ok....blue & a type of cream but you get the idea!) Anyway....they make a smart ass remark & I keep my mouth shut because I happen to not remember exactly where the proof is (ok, this is my old law training taking over).....so anyway, what do I do? I go & find (after the fact) exactly where this was stated & read it & yup....sure enough, I was right. Right there (tradition ten implementation in fact....example & everything) and then what did I do with that info? Well I logged back in to where these two were & yes....1/2 hr after the fact I was going to say....."Oh, by the way....if you go to lines 5-10 under section so and so there is where it says that!! HaHa!! " And would that have been the grown up recovery way of handling the situation........uh.....NO! So I quickly X'd out of the screen. How did I handle it?? Well, I'm here venting because I am pissed off! Need to honestly acknowledge that emotion & deal with it (not throw pink paint on it & pretend it doesn't exist....might as well eat if that's how I would handle it!) Secondly, I gave it to my HP jar. That's a jar that sits on my desk (so I see it everyday). When I have a problem that I have done everything I can do about it & requires nothing more from me but I am still stressed over it, I write it down & give it to my HP...then I forget about it. Third, I wrote this down on my step 4 resentment list (hey guys, you made my first entry!! This time around anyway!) Fourth, (should have been first!) I prayed about it. I found that I was very grateful to my HP for giving me so many tools to deal with my problems & anxities. I am also grateful for these "miniscule" resentments so that I learn how to work a better program. (It is good practice for when the biggies come, and they will!) Also it got me immediately started on my fourth step (I just got this from my sponsor today). So all in all, a really good time as I am learning and growing. I know there were always be people who need to make others feel little so they can feel big...sometimes I am one of those people!! But I no longer feel little, because I am working a good program. And that gives me healthy self-esteem & pride as opposed to "ego" pride. I feel much better now. I see that I was angry because I didn't have "the proof" immediately and felt I was unable to stick up for myself until I did. That anger was compounded when long after the incident I did indeed find the proof I wanted (which just made me feel worse....like I missed my opportunity to show them). Also there is the fact that they may not have been referring to me at all in their comments (that magnifying glass I have in my brain could have misread the situation after all) . But this all shows growth. Rather than reacting in anger (and having to make amends) I have done the things I needed to do to grow into a better person...progress, not perfection. As for the two making comments (and who knows if they were referring to me) it doesn't matter. It is none of my business what other people think of me. When it comes to what people think my responsibility ends where my bony cranium does. Outside of my body, I have no control. I give that to HP and allow others to do as they wish. Ahhhhhhhhhhh....now I am at peace. I feel whole again and have no holes to fill with any of my drugs. This really is how program works. First you learn to apply the 12 steps & traditions in the rooms, and then extend it outwards. As far as "teaching" someone something....also not my job. I will always extend the hand & heart of OA/AA by sharing my experience, strength & hope to those who care to listen. To those who don't, they need to find their own way. I did a 12 step reach out today & reached out to a newcomer noone else bothered to talk to. I kept my head about me & didn't mouth off to anyone. I learned a big lesson. I wrote another blog (always a good thing!) and officially started my step 4. All in all a very good day!

Thanks for reading & talk with you later!!

Amy

2006-09-18T16:32:00.000-05:00

Last night was a hard & enlightening night for me. I had just written a letter to my disease telling it goodbye, we're breaking up (see letter below). Well I knew my disease would be fighting back & it did. Last night I dreamed I binged. I dreamed I went into my closet (one of the places I used to hide my binge foods from my family) and binged. I know those dreams are normal, especially in the first year of recovery. But they are still hard to deal with. I also had several dreams about bats!! I have Native American Animal Totem cards & I went to them to see what bats stood for. I was pleased to discover bat meant rebirth! The card talked about a symbolic death (like Shamans) & then being reborn. It also talked of dying to old habits & starting a new life. I feel this is a very good omen considering the letter I wrote to my disease last night. Well the disease may have fought back last night while I was asleep but the fact is I remained abstinent!!! 94 days!!

2006-09-17T17:51:00.000-05:00

Today I gave away my steps 2 & 3 to my sponsor. I had been procrastinating big time on step 2 & while I had started it about a 11/2 months ago.....I just wouldn't finish it. Then I went to an online meeting one night where someone shared that procrastination was low intesity, chronic fear. That really struck a chord with me. I immediately went home & finished my step 2 & then started on step 3. By the time my sponsor was able to take my step 2 I was done with both. Now a biggie....step 4. My sponsor warned me that my step 4 would be broken down into 6 parts. She gave me my first assingment: Write a letter to my disease. I could say anything that came to mind, curse my brains out etc. I thought it would be a real F.U. I hate your guts letter. But as with most of this step writing....something entirely different emerged. I wanted to share my letter to my disease with you.

To my disease (coe & fa):

I know how you've been. You're pissed off. I'm no longer in your grips. Nearly 30 years & I've been your bitch. Doing everything you told me. You'd give me a thought & I had to comply. You gave me no rest until I did. I wanted you gone for so long. But it's not all your fault. I was complicit too. Only half of me wanted you gone. The other half of me loved you. You were always there for me. When I was lonely - you were there to keep me company. When I was tired & I thought I couldn't go on you perked me up. There were days I just thought I wouldn't get through - but the idea that you were there - waiting for me at the end of the day, waiting to comfort me & excite me - it got me through. Part of me hates you - you destroyed my body. I have an 80 yr old knee that will need replaced because of you. I have inches & inches of excess skin hanging off of me - because of you. I have stretch marks all over me - because of you. I was never a young, pretty, carefree girl - because of you. I will never be - because of you. All the life I missed - all the living I missed - because of you. I was never normal because of you. I look at all things I missed & missed out on - & I blame you. Always calling to me - day & night - never giving me any peace - never letting me alone. I never rested, never had a break from you. You always occupied my thoughts. And while part of me hates you - despises you for all that you've done - part of me loves you too. You gave me such pleasure for so long. You never called me names & you never hated me or left me. You were always there for me - so close. Anytime I wanted you. Anytime I needed you. You were my lover, my best friend. At times you were my only friend. And the times I gave you up - you patiently waited for me - called to me - & when I needed you again you were right there - there was no condemnation - no "I'm sorry's" - just "I love you's" & "see what you were missing"? And those times without you made our make up's seem so good. But then I knew you were no good for me. And every time I quit you & I went back - it was that much harder to give you up again. Despite the fact I nearly lost everything - my life, my lovers, my friends, my money, my health, my joy, everthing! I still wanted you - I still loved you. No matter how bad you treated me - you still gave me pleasure.

The more I think about it - the more I realize - it wasn't your fault - it was mine. I used you. I used you for comfort, friendship, love, companionship, excitement. And every time the consequences got too high - I'd try to give you up. I wan't fair to either of us. You need someone who can give you 24 hr devotion. Who can live, sleep, breathe you - until you kill them. Because that's what happens with you - you say you love me & you're always there for me - but the results say it all. The result of your love is temporary happiness - but the lasting result is pain, isolation, illness & death. You can't help it - it's not your fault. It's who you are. The fault is mine. I used you. I wanted your temporary pleasure. I allowed myself to use you - even when I knew it was killing me. You gave me pleasure - so sweet sometimes - it was hard to give you up - even as I saw my life slipping from me. But the pleasure - became more &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp; more fleeting. I needed more & more of you day by day & the consequences of using you got higher & higher. I was exhausted daily - just figuring out how I would get more food, how I would pay for it, how would I get enough? How would I get time alone with you? My mind is just mentally used up from all the worry. And my body is disinigrating. And then - when I was finally alone with you - At last - the high just wasn't good enough. Over time - the sweetness bittered. It never lasted as long. Like my mind & body - it was all used up.

I never had time for anything else. there was no life in between the binges. Only pain - pain of life without you. I needed you so bad to fog up my mind & make reality more palatable. I needed you to make everything better. At first it seemed you did. But every once in awhile, reality would creep in & then I saw my life was a shambles. Usually that drove me back to you - faster & harder than ever before! Sometimes it drove me to seek help - find a better way - a better life - but still you were there - calling to me - stalking me. You said you loved me & you wouldn't let me go. But this wasn't love, it wasn't even desire - it was obsession. Couldn't you see you were killing me? If you truly loved me - you would've let me go. But I'm thankful really. You made it abundantly clear - so even I - in my dense drugged out state could finally see the truth. That while I loved & hated you, you hated me too. What other explanation could there be? You tried to kill me, over &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp; over again. You wouldn't let me go though I begged you & cried & pleaded & prayed & begged you to leave. You must have hated & despised me too. Maybe we just hated ourselves & took it out on each other. I'm not sure - but I know this.... it has to end.

I know you don't want it too. I know at some level - you will never leave me. But it's OK - I'm leaving you. The decision is made & I will never go back to you again. Let's face it - there was love once upon a time. And you did serve a purpose fo me. There was the pleasure & comfort. But you made me fat - & that protected me for a long time. From the pain of relationships, sex, people. You numbed me from the pain of living. And that helped me enourmously. Once - a long time ago. But it doesn't help anymore. I need a real lover, real friends, human companionship - and you can't give me those things - EVER! You're not human - youre not capable & no amount of wishing will ever make it so. So yes, you gave me easy pleasure & you were readily available. But the real truth is - YOU WERE NEVER WHAT I WANTED. YOU WERE NEVER WHAT I NEEDED. YOU COULD NEVER FULFILL ME. YOU ARE A HOLLOW REPRESENTATION OF WHAT I WANT & NEED. YOU ARE EMPTY & BEREFT AND I'M DONE WITH YOU!!

It was good for awhile - but those good times ended decades ago. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. You no longer serve my needs. That seems selfish I know - after everything you've given me. But look at all that you've taken away! The ledger doesn't balance - it's not even close. In exchange for some temporary comfort & pleasure - you have demanded all my time, my energy, my money, you've destroyed my body, you've nearly killed me - you've taken my real lovers & my real friends. I needed you for companionship because you chased everybody that ever loved me away!!!! The truth is - you've been selfish. You wanted me all to yourself. You wanted my attention 24/7. You wanted my money. You wanted my body & then you used it & destroyed it. You were selfish. And I used you. And it's killing me. I'm as complicit as you - I'm admitting it. But I won't be made to feel guilty. I'm done pouring my energy into you. I've found a better way. It has it's pleasures - it has it's pain too. But it's sanity. If I can do this program I have a chance at a life - that's something I never had with you. Living with you - being in the desease - It isn't a way to live - It's a way to die. And I don't want to die anymore. I'm nearly 40 - & it's time for me to live.

I have to let you go. I need to let you go on a level I know you will never understand. There are plenty of other people for you. I know all too well. And I feel sorry for them. But you & I - we're through. You've seen how I give people & things up. I quite smoking & I never smoked again. There were times I wanted too - but I persisted & now - it's hard for people to believe I ever smoked 21/2 packs a day - some don't even believe me - because it's not who I am anymore.

You remember Chuck? And how much I loved him. And how I left & came back & left again. It must have been at least 8 times that one year. But when I made up my mind - Truly - I was done. I've never seen him since.

I know what you're thinking. I've left you before & I've come running back with open arms. But you & I know that isn't true. I've never left you. You were always in my mind, in my heart - you were my very breath. There were times - maybe even a year or two here & there - where I didn't use you. But you were always there. In my mind & heart. I fought you - but in the fighting - you were alive & well inside me - & that's why I always gave in - that's why I always came back. I was rebuking you on sheer willpower alone. I was white knuckling it physically. But my mind & heart were still yours- always yours!

But that's done now. I really have gotten you out of my system this time. And I still see you, hear you, knocking at my door - calling to me. But haven't you noticed? - I haven't been listening. Have you noticed too, I've been happy, & more peaceful then I've ever been? And I've had problems - Big Ass problems & you know what I've learned? Without you - I'm just fine. Hell, 90% of the time I don't even miss you. In fact I'm grateful as hell your not there. I don't even want you around anymore. Truth be told I resent you now that I really see what you've done to me. I know I'll have to deal with that too. But I will deal with it - without YOU!

If you ever really loved me you would read this & see the truth of what I say... and then you would leave me alone - never to return. But I have to grow up now - & take responsibility for myself. And that means that even if you stalk me for the rest of my life - I have to do what I have to do to take care of myself! If that means I have to go to meetings the rest of my life - I will. If that means I have to do step work & never eat certain foods again - I will. Because you have gotten me down so damn low - it's a miracle I'm still here. And I'm desperate - desperate enough to do anything I have to to NEVER TURN TO YOU AGAIN!!!

I'm done this time - It's really over. I'm sorry if your hurt. I'm sorry if you feel used. But truthfully - I just can't care about you anymore. You've shown me your true colors. And while once I loved you - I will nver be able to look at you the same again. What I once saw as a beautiful face looks ugly to me now. And with 3 months of sanity behind me - to bolster me - I see that his ugly face was always your true face. The food, the desire - my desire - made it look different. I was wrong, so wrong.

So you see - I really am done with you - even if you're not done with me. It really is over & in the end - there is nothing you can do about it. Even as hard as you may try - And I know you will - I am going to do everything in my power to fill my life with sanity - so you will never look good to me again. Desperation really can be a lovely gift. I believe it was given to me by miraculous means. I'm desperate enough to do anything to be rid of you. What a gift, this desperation.

I really do hope you leave me alone - so I can live my life & be happy without you. But still, I will prepare for the worst, just in case. I know you still have the power to kill me - I pray to never forget that. Nor forget just how bad it got with you. Thank God I have meetings, newcomers, & those still caught up in you to keep my memory green.

I pray to forget the good times with you, as few as they were. I won't dwell on them either - & make sweetness out of bitterness.

I felt I had to explain this to you. As this is the last time I am engaging in conversation with you - because as I said earlier - no matter how hard it may get- I'M DONE WITH YOU. IT IS OVER. I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO YOU. WE ARE THROUGH!!!!!

There is someone new in my life. He/She is always there too....but with one big difference. They let me walk away anytime I want. And anytime I want to come back they are still there. Now that's real love! Someone who gives you the freedom to stay or to walk away.

And they've never hurt me. Even when I think they have - it turns out upon later reflection - They really had my best interests at heart.

He/She never imposes their will on me - but is always there to help me & guide me. It's love unconditional, and while I can't return it the same way - I'm willing to work on it!

It's not like I'm leaving you & there's a big (w)hole in my life. Quite the contrary - my life - my world - has been filled beyond my wildest dreams. I have something now, that I haven't had for so many years - I have hope!

Goodbye,

Amy

P.S. Please don't call me.

2006-09-16T08:12:00.000-05:00

Needed to affirm that my angels are really working for me & looking out for me. They are sending me messages that even I can't ignore. I am so grateful to HP for watching over me & helping me to understand Her will through a means I can get. The angels are unmistakable in their message & have infinite patience. The suprising thing is that they have a sense of humor! And I love it.

2006-09-15T13:30:00.000-05:00

I was reminded of a 12 step analogy today. It is particularly insightful when it comes to eating disorders.

Your recovery is something you stand on, it holds you. Think of your recovery as a 3-legged stool. One leg is physical recovery, one leg is spiritual recovery, the last leg is emotional recovery.

Now work just a spiritual program. Do the praying & communicating with HP. But don't work the steps, don't be abstinent. Now, try to stand on your recovery....try to stand on your stool. You can't, one leg is way longer than the other.

Try it a different way. Let's be abstinent and working the 12 steps, but don't communicate with HP. Don't pray, meditate or in anyway develop a relationship with a higher power. Let's also work on our steps with our sponsor. We have a food plan & we're sticking to it! We are losing weight. Now what happens? You still can't stand on your stool, two legs are long, the other one really short or non-existent.

The point is, you have to work all aspects of the program. If you have spiritual recovery only (otherwise known as fat serenity) but no physical recovery, your program is out of whack. You're not really in recovery. You can't be in recovery & working the program for years and gaining weight! If you are gaining weight you aren't abstinent, you can't be! Weight gain isn't a sin & it doesn't mean you are a bad person....what it does mean is that you aren't in recovery & you're not working the program. You are taking in too much food, that isn't sane. No physical recovery, no sanity, no emotional recovery. You can be very spiritual and very fat (I have been). You can also attend meetings. You can be around the program, you may even say you're in program....but you aren't working the program! I heard someone today say that they were jealous that people in the program are losing weight. Then they said that they felt they were really working the program because they had spiritual recovery, and that is the point of program. The point of program is actually a 3-fold recovery: spiritual, emotional and physical. If you are a food addict, abstinence is essential. If you are an alcoholic sobreity is essential. This is where compulsive overeaters and food addicts miss the recovery boat.......I did it for several years myself so I understand better than anyone. It's also what's wrong with OA & why membership has diminished so it's a VERY IMPORTANT POINT. YOU CAN'T HAVE SPIRITUAL RECOVERY WITHOUT PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL RECOVERY. Imagine this, an AA meeting where 2/3rds of the members sat around talking about how they were still drinking alcohol everyday but where spiritually recovered. If you've been to enough AA meetings you would find this ludicrous......because it NEVER HAPPENS! Because someone would stand up & say....."hold on there buddy....YOU CAN'T BE DRINKING ALCOHOL & BE RECOVERING. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! You CAN go to meetings and drink all the way there & all the way home. You can go to 3 meetings a day & drink your brains out. You are welcome to come to meetings stinking drunk & reeking of booze. Members will befriend you and allow you to talk ad nasuem....but noone will allow you to get away with a bullshit statement like you're drinking alcohol but have spiritual recovery! This is the lie that has been killing OA. It's the reason it's hard to attract & keep newcomers (most people come to OA to lose weight & they don't want to walk into a meeting where everyone is saying they have been working the program for years and they are still fat!) Then the ones who have been there for years get tired of coming back & coming back & getting nothing out of it. But the first thing that needs to be done is PUTTING DOWN THE FOOD. It sucks! It's work! And it's the first thing and alcoholic does when they enter program, they put down the alcohol! It's the first thing a coke head does, put down the blow! It's the first thing a gambler does, stop gambling! The point is not to do your drug anymore!!!! It is the reason we go to a 12 step meeting. How do we do it? We develop a spiritual relationship with a Higher Power. That's HOW we do it. We keep it going by clearing away our emotional backage. But physical recovery IS THE POINT! IT'S WHY WE ARE THERE! How food addicts/compulsive overeaters miss this is easy to figure out....they still are listening to the disease. Their disease is trying to kill them by getting them to believe they are in recovery, all the while they are using. It is an baffling, cunning, powerful, insidous disease. It is killing the victim & killing OA & it has too stop.

2006-09-10T18:12:00.000-05:00

I have heard that addictions are a coping mechanism. They are behaviors you adopt to help you cope with life circumstances. Like many coe & fa who have struggled with obesity, I was a victim of molestation. Also like
many molestation & rape victims I had multiple offenders. I don't say this in a blaming way, as I am not even angry at most of my offenders any more. I say it because I needed to come to grips with this, discuss it, put it out there, heal, and move on.

When my parents divorced (I think I was around 12) I saw my father (with my 2 younger brothers) every other weekend. I very clearly remember an incident that occured on my last overnight stay with my father.

My father lived with a gentleman (I never met him) who was out of town. Perfect opportunity for my father to have his children over for the night (he slept on this friends couch). I remember my two brothers falling asleep (one on the couch....one on the floor) by each other. My father and I slept on the floor by each other. I remember him touching me and whispering to me about how much I looked like my mother (whom he was still in love with.....he did not want the divorce). I don't remember where he touched me, I just have no memory of that. I do remember feeling very uncomfortable and feeling that something was wrong. I remember getting up and locking myself in the other mans bedroom and I wouldn't open or unlock the door until the next morning when I heard my brothers were up and awake. I went home that visit & told my mom what happened (although I don't remember exactly....think I just told her what I'm telling you). She told me I never had to visit my father again. I didn't see my father much after that over the next 10 years. I don't remember exactly what happened, just that what he said was inappropriate and felt way too intimate. I don't think anything happened. But it colored the way I looked at my father forever.

My mother shortly thereafter married my stepfather. He was a child molester. He was caught molesting his eldest daughter by his first wife. I know because I was there when my mother was told by her. Perhaps my mother thought this was sour grapes. But for the next several years my stepfather molested me.....often in front of my mother. He french kissed me daily & felt my breasts as well as made lewd comments in front of me. We also watched pornography together as a family. My stepfather never had sex with me (thank God) although I saw him naked plenty and can describe his penis in detail. He also molested my friends....who would visit once and then never come over again. This really isolated me. My mother to this day is in denial of this and swears she never saw any of this even though it happened in front of her daily. Thank God I have on occasion talked to old girlfriends who without prompting brought up these incidences. I was beginning to think I was making it up until one girlfriend said she should be paid for my stepfather molesting her. If it wasn't for her bringing this up, I think I wouldv'e believed I was crazy. I was oversexulized as a result of this....and I know that is where my sex addiction (especially to pornography) and my food addiction (eating to obestiy) are rooted in. I am not angry at my stepfather. He molested others after me, including his grandson....who later was arrested (as a child) as a sex offender. My stepfather later admitted to raping & killing several girls but was found to be innocent but mentally ill & hospitalized several times. He has bipolar disorder and after many years of back on & off medicating....he developed serious mental disorders. He is literally crazy. I don't blame him but a society that allows such sick people to interact with others and doesn't help them. He should have been instutionalized decades ago.

I also had very inappropriate boundry issues with my mother. Of all the people I still blame (and I will have to do some serious step work regarding this) it's her. I was her only daughter & felt I should have been protected by her. While she never did anything sexual to me (ever) she sexualized me at a very young age by introducing inappropriate sexual companions of hers into my life. Not just my stepfather, but lovers she had before him. Once I had a 14 year old boy ask me out on a date....which I thought was weird because he was a couple of years older than me & I didn't know him. I turned him down (I knew I was too young to date). But the next thing I knew.....he was dating my married mother. Ralph & my mother would be making out in front of me & my brothers in our kitchen when my fathers car pulled up....then Ralph would run out the back. Ralph was a "second father" and in charge of us when mom was not around. It is very hard to respect your mother when she is married & fooling around with a child. Especially when said child bosses you around and acts like your parent. Mother billed Ralph as a problem child & when Dad took us to play ball on weekends....Ralph would come to. This put us 3 children in a very bad position....having to pretend with Dad that we didn't know mom & Ralph were lovers. The situation made us complicit & liars. it was a very traumatic situation. I think this is enough for now.

2006-09-09T21:01:00.000-05:00

I wanted to share a little bit about my step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I have to believe in a power greater than myself having the ability to restore me to sanity because I have done a piss poor job of it! But I had a lot of "bad" feelings toward God. I wanted to follow the 12 step plan because I knew it worked. I've seen it work so often. So this time around in program I really gave in and followed the steps. The AA Big Book said if you had ideas about God that didn't work for you & your recovery, than scrap em! Throw them in the trash & make a new God, Higher Power that can and will work for you. Even if you don't believe it, do it. If you want what we have follow our direction. So even though I didn't see how it could work, I did it. I scrapped the Christian God that was punishing a patriarchal & decided on a new definition for HP. I see my HP as both a God & Goddess. Possessing the attributes I admire in males & females. I needed to feel the presence of my Gods and needed to give them a face so they wouldn't be some amorphous being or force, but a personal God. The Goddess was easy to see. She needed to be nuturing & earthy but fiercly protective of me. Beautiful & strong & vibrant.......alive and real. I choose an actresses face to represent my Goddess, as she possesed all these attributes. Ironically I saw a tv show later in which she played, you guessed it, a Goddess. Some might think it is silly to have the face of someone be a Goddess, but in the Big Book it says a chair can be your God if you choose. You have to choose a God of your understanding. You have to be willing to believe. The actual believing & trust will come later.

I have issues with men so I choose the God to be represented by a very unassuming man. He is handsome though as I wanted to see me God as a possible consort. He exhibits the qualities of a man I would like to be with: strong, intelligent, confident, funny, endearing & kind. Above all....kind. He too has the face of an actor.

I can honestly say picturing my Gods in my mind, talking to them, hearing them talk & advise me....truly have helped me believe and to trust....again. I guess what I'm saying is follow the big book, follow the steps. They work and they bring peace to troubled minds.

Blessings,

Amy

2006-09-09T17:21:00.000-05:00

Wanted to give everyone an idea of what I eat everyday. I think this is helpful as I am an unusual case as I am a vegetarian (for spiritual reasons) and I don't eat wheat or wheat gluten. Also there are always people who want to know "what you eat" to lose weight and be abstinent. I have lost weight this year (2006). My top weight was between 420-450 lbs. (Just a few years ago) Earlier this year I weighed myself and I was 333lbs, now I am 260 (I am 6' tall). I was estactic to be able to fit in my "old" size 28. (You know you have a weight problem when you look forward to being a size 28 again!) Now I am a size 22 and have no clothes (I own 2 pairs of pants that small!) Ah well....we all have our crosses to bear! I shoot to eat no more than 600 calories per meal. But my stomach has shrunk & I don't need volume like I used to. My average meal is between 400-500 calories. I don't eat cheese as it is a binge food for me but I do occasionaly eat eggs. I eat no meat, fish, or poultry. I don't eat anything with wheat or wheat gluten (which pretty much wipes out all meat replacement products) but I will eat products with rennett (it does not trigger me.) I buy a protein replacement product that does not contain wheat but has 25 grams of soy protein per scoop. So rather than list meals by category I will just list an average meal. I would like to say that I am eating foods I NEVER thought I would eat. I find that my tastebuds are adjusting & changing as I continue to stick with whole healthy foods. So if you see something you think you could NEVER eat realize that I too never ate a vegetable or fruit (and I was a vegetarian! I lived off cheese!) and now I look forward to nothing more than a crisp apple & some spinach. So try these ideas, see if they work for you. Remember as always....take what you like and leave the rest.

Strawberry Protein shake

1 scoop of protein powder
1 cup unsweetened soymilk
1 strawberry soy yogurt (lots of sugar but the protein balances it out well)
2-3 cups frozen strawberries (the amount of strawberries depends on whether I have to eat it "on the run"....I usually do as I eat this for breakfast a lot & I am late for work!)
Put in a blender a let it spin! Can be mostly frozen or more liquid depending on how many strawberries you use. This has between 450-500 calories & boasts 32 grams of protein!!! Great to have after a workout. Also has all sorts of healthy stomach bacteria (from the yogurt). Keeps you nice & healthy. Of course you can use unfrozen strawberries or any kind of fruit. Just watch the calories. Try peach shakes/bannana & peanut butter/bannana & coconut & pineapple. Try different flavorings, fruits & yogurts. This is a great on the run meal.

Soup & salads for lunch

Soup is great to have for lunch as is salad. Both are filling. I buy packets of soup mix by Bean Cuisine. They include beans, peas, lentils, & seasonings (there are different types.) You add your own veggies & meat. I omit the meat & add canned organic tomatoes & carrots & veggie broth. I estimate a cup as 100 calories (for the beans & veggies). If I eat a salad I will buy greens & tomatoes & add either no calorie dressing or add protein (1/3 c raw/unsalted cashews) & some dressing (I make dressing w/1 tbsp flax seed oil (keep flax seed oil in your fridge!) , dijon mustard, lemon juice & garlic & add a little water. The dressing gets calories from the flax seed oil only (& it's healthy!!!) and I add lemon juice & water to cover the salad. Very good!)

Sometimes I will have soup w/1 c brown/wild rice mix & 1 c of vegetables. I will make the soup/rice (topped w/spicy tomatoes) in containers & freeze. I make the soup in & freeze too! That way I always have ready meals to take to work. I always keep at least one frozen meal at work.....that way if I forget my lunch....no excuses! Healthy meal in fridge. Soup & rice are good hot stick to your ribs food for winter (which is coming up).

I have found a lightline product that is chicken strips protein (made with soy) and contains no wheat. (I found these in Walmart in the produce section with the other meat replacement products). The whole package contains 160 calories & has 30 grams of protein! It tastes delicious & I enjoy it on top of salad or I grill it in 1 tbsp of olive oil & with on onion & put it on top of spinach.

I also have pizza! I found gluten free personal pizza crust & top it w/1/2 c of organic tomato sauce, 1 onion, peppers, 2 1/3 c of soy cheese & put it in the toaster oven & bake 15 minutes. Very good!

Also try tempeh grilled on salad. Egg & soy cheese on a bagel for breakfast.
Sometimes simple is best! I eat 2 slices of rice bread w/2 tbsp of REAL peanut butter (no sugar........just pulverized peanuts). Or a bannana w/peanut butter. I also eat wheat free waffles w/a little syrup & soy butter. Fresh fruit platters. If I need to add protein I will have some vegetable broth w/a scoop of protein powder. It makes a soothing soup & is only 120 calories w/25 grams of protein. A nice hot drink if I'm not feeling well. I also eat wheat free cereals w/soy milk.

That's pretty much all I eat right now. Lot's of salads, rice, soy milk & cheese, soups, vegetables & fruits & protein replacements since I don't eat meat. I DO eat healthy fats & proteins as they balance carbs (too high in carbs & it's a binge food for me). I think a lot of people leave out fats thinking fats make you fat. The truth is....too many calories make you fat! Not moving makes you fat! Eating foods that trigger your compulsion makes you fat! Healthy fats (olive oil, flax oil, sunflower oils) are very very good for you! They tell your body you are full & keep your brain working right. They oil your joints & make your skin pretty. As long as you're not eating a ton of it you're fine! And if you think about it....the foods you binge on may have fat in them......but they also have tons of sugar!! When was the last time you sat down to eat a bowl of crisco? Now add 14 cups of sugar.....different story! It's important to add healthy fats to your diet to help control the carbs. Protein & fat slow down the absorption of carbs....making carbohydrate foods less triggerful. I count calories because it helps me control portions. But I am not a fanatic about it. I weigh & measure my foods to keep my portions under control but estimate calories so I am more normal!! If I become to obsessive about calories.....than I know I have entered "diet mode" and that is not any healthier than overeating. 3 meals a day for me, no more, no less. Too many meals are unhealthy, too few, also unhealthy. Sometimes if I need to, I will break up 1 meal down into 2 (same calories/portions) if I have a long day. I also allow myself snacks but find I don't need them much anymore as my body has adjusted to a certain amount of meals/calories. But I prefer to eat a snack rather than let myself get too hungry as extreme hunger triggers your bodies survival mode and your brain will do anything to get you to eat. My preferred snack is 1/4 cup of raw nuts (usually almonds). That has fat & protein to sate hunger & not a lot of carbs (which triggers more eating). If you think nuts are a bingeing food I suggest you try raw (not roasted) unsalted nuts. A totally different food altogether. What people don't realize is that raw nuts have UNSATURATED fats. But when you roast/heat nuts you change them at the molecular level. The fats chemically bond & grow "tails" & become SATURATED fats which are unhealthy. (The same thing happens to oil!) Thats why unroasted nuts & oils are healthy & good for you (and for me are NOT addictive) but once you heat oil & nuts they become saturated & addictive. The addition of salt (which is addictive for me) just makes it worse. I hope this gives you some ideas. I know some people say you should eat a variety of foods but for me that is addictive. I tend to eat the same foods day in & day out. I still enjoy my food, but it holds less power over me. I also find eating the same foods day in & day out comforting for my brain & body. I tend to go through phases where I will eat the same foods for months & then switch to new foods for a few months. I live with someone who is a coe (they would never admit it & think they're not because they've never weighed over 240 lbs & have maintained that weight several years) but they do not curb their eating habits at all in front of me. They have many of my binge foods in the house. I had to modify my behavior to continue living with them. I have shelves in our pantry & in our freezer that our mine! I do not even look at the other shelves. I have learned to turn a blind eye to their foods. I always keep certain foods in the pantry & freezer so I know if I don't have any money I will always have binge free foods. I always keep dried beans, canned veggies, soup mix, veggie broth & protein powder, rice & soymilk as well as some cereals. If worse comes to worse I can live off the abstinent but unexciting foods. I hope some of these strategies work for you. While I am in advice giving mode let me tell you that I watch very little tv these days. And when I do I tape/tivo shows so I can forward through all those fast food commercials. Why fill your brain with this unhealthy stuff? Instead I read lots of OA food recovery literature and go to meetings online and face 2 face. Blessings to you in your recovery journey!

Amy

2006-09-09T15:57:00.001-05:00

This is some of my step 1 work. I put it out there so that 1) I have put the honesty of my disease out there, it is here for all to see. I am no longer willing to hide this disease. I am no longer willing to hide behind it. This is who I am, I am a coe (compulsive overeater) FA (food addict). These are my triggers, let me hide them from noone. Hiding makes me sick and I no longer want to be sick. 2) Seeing what triggers me may help others learn what triggers them. I spent decades trying to figure out what did & didn't work for me. I never knew "wheat" could be a trigger. That accidental discovery has relieved me of a lot of pain & bingeing. If someone can see one food/or act that is a trigger for them that they had not previously recognized and helps them....if something I experienced can help them for one minute, maybe then all this pain was worth it. There are lots of triggers, I am still discovering them. Flour I have discovered is not a trigger for me.......only wheat is. Whole food or in flour form... wheat gets me anytime. But rice/tapioca/corn flour, has no trigger effect on me at all (thank God!) Of course I realize that could always change. As part of my daily step 10 I honestly look at my foods to see if any foods are triggering me. There was one item for instance that bothered me for awhile but now no longer does. I discovered a "tweak" I needed to make (no sugar added soymilk) and then I was fine. The important thing for me is that I am willing to honestly evaluate my food plan daily and make adjustments accordingly. If it is a trouble food, it needs to go! Once I found foods that worked for me, I stuck to them for awhile. Then every once in a while I add a food & see if it triggers me. If it doesn't, it's now in my food plan. If it does, it is OUT!

My Binge Foods (Foods I can't just have one serving of, foods I crave/obsess about)

Ice cream
pastries/cakes/desserts
bread made with wheat
Iciing
Wheat
sugar
sauces
cheese
candy & snack foods (junk food)
soda & fruit juice (liquid sugar)
butter
most dairy foods
roasted or salted nuts
fast foods
restaurant foods
special occasion foods

Trigger Foods (foods that trigger me to eat more of other foods and go to my binge foods. Even if the food is "healthy" & I can eat just one serving....it will trigger me to eat volume & binge later. Some foods are so powerful for me they make both lists.)

Ice Cream (this includes soy ice cream)
Wheat
Soda
Dessert
Butter
Cheese
Sugar
Roasted &/or salted nuts
Salty foods
restaurant foods
homemade foods at gatherings
special occasion foods

Most Difficult Times for me to be abstinent:

-after work & before bed
-holidays
-away from home
-amusement parks, picnics, vacations
-around family gatherings
-when I'm alone

What triggers me to eat?

-seeing my father always triggers me to binge afterwards
-having a bad or stressful day (especially after work)
-late afternoon & evenings
-movies
-one bite of sugar or wheat
-sugar drinks (soda/juice)
-celebrations & holidays (especially with my family of origin)
-driving by (seeing) fast food places & restaurants
-sight of pastries/desserts
-grocery stores (certain sections)
-when I'm depressed
-when I'm anxious or worried or stressed
-if something bad happens
-if something really good happens
-seeing others eat
-smelling food
-being around other "in the food" people (coe/fa)
-amusement parks
-seeing others eat w/impunity foods I cannot have (and be abstinent)
-old binge haunts
-0ld binge people
-commercials
-opportunity (this is a big one!)

How often do I eat when I am non-abstinent?
Non-stop! It is rare for an hour to go by without me eating. I binge at every opportunity. That means keeping late hours (everyone in bed) so I can binge. My closet became my binge pantry as well as my car. I would buy two meals & go grocery shopping with foods I could eat in front of others & foods I would hide & eat later. On the way home I would stop & eat my restaurant foods so I could eat "normally" (normal eating in my family is way overeating by the way) in front of everyone. When they went to bed I would binge again. Yes, I would hide entire ice cream cakes in my closet. I was a miracle worker with that. My self will found a way to hide ice cream cakes in non-refridgeration. What a miracle worker I was! There were months where I ate an entire ice cream cake everyday. And that was just a snack!

My plan of eating: (very simple)
-no binge or trigger foods
-no second helpings (I allow second salad green helpings but now that I have been relieved of the obsession....I never do).

For weight loss:

-I shoot to have 600 calorie meals or less.....3 times a day with 100 calorie snacks if neccessary to keep the blood sugar steady & hunger at bay. I eat whole, healthy foods.
-I walk at least 1/2 hr each day as per dr. instructions.

I very rarely eat snacks anymore as my body has adjusted to 3 meals a day. And the obsession with food has been relieved. I am so eternally grateful. But the abstinence is the important part. It is black & white & very simple. No binge or trigger foods & no second helpings as volume is part of the disease for me. The calorie limits help me with weight loss but are really guides for me as to portion sizes as I am a coe & am not good with that. Quite frankly, who IS good with portion sizes in this country? But I use that as a guide as I am not willing to give myself a bat to beat myself up with. I am a firm believer that your abstinence has to be black & white (as coe & fa we are wayyyyy to good at fooling ourselves) but we also have to be gentle on ourselves too. Our caloric needs may change from day to day & guilt is NOT a good motivator. As a coe/fa I have beat myself up enough for several lifetimes. I refuse to do it anymore.

2006-09-09T15:57:00.000-05:00

2006-08-15T18:59:00.000-05:00

Advice for Newbies!!

1) Go to meetings!!! Lots of them!!! Do 30 meetings in 30 days, or better yet 90 in 90. If going to 5 meetings a day helps......than do that! Whatever it takes!

(Go to the Overeaters Anonymous website at: www.oa.org There you will be able to find meetings in your area. If there aren't any f2f (face to face meetings) go to the online meetings. Great meetings are at: www.therecoverygroup.org they have meetings every 3 hours. Don't forget that you can start meetings yourself. OA has info on how to do that when you are ready. Also, go to open AA meetings too! There is great recovery there.

2) Get a sponsor!! (Again, if there aren't any sponsors available where you are or are none who have what you want, the recovery group above has online sponsors!)

3) Get literature!! Go to the OA website. I particularly reccommend all the pamphlets (they are also very inexpensive and I keep some at work & in my car). Get the OA 12 & 12 and a copy of the AA Big Book to start. Get a subscription to OA's Lifeline magazine (also inexpensive) and better yet order some back issues.

4) Get abstinent!! Come on, you know what your binge foods are!! Are they sugary, fried, fast food, salty, is there no way to have just one? What are the foods you crave?? Bet ya don't crave broccolli! No, I'm not talking about broccoli drowning in cheese or butter. I'm talking about good old green, raw, broccoli. See, never ate 10 bunches of it at a time have ya? Probably not a binge food then. But what about that cheese.....hmmmmmmmmm? See, you know what your binge foods are, write em down & commit to not eating them!! Don't worry if you forget some, you'll find them later! Progress, not perfection!

5) Get real about who you are. You have a problem with food. That doesn't make you a bad person. You're not weak willed either. You just have a problem with food. You might also be tall, short, blonde, brunette, have big or small bones......whatever! The point is, this is not your fault, you are not to blame, NOONE is to blame. It just is. You didn't cause this disease......but you ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR TREATING IT!!

Good luck and write you later,

Love,

Amy

2006-08-15T18:15:00.000-05:00

Today is 60 days free of using or abusing any substance!! Whooooooohoooooooo!!!

I have really been relieved of the obsession with food. This past weekend was the first time a binge thought came up. I was thinking of having some peanut butter. It has 1/2 the fat of regular peanut butter, and as I read the label, I discovered that when they took out the fat they had to replace it with something!! That something was 3 different forms of sugar! And here I started buying this particular brand because it was "healthy" because it was low in fat! Well I should have known it wasn't healthier as I have binged on it plenty (and I never used to like p.b.!) As I read in Kay Sheppards book "From the First Bite" anything that has something removed from it, or is "free" of anything is probably bad for you (is a trigger/binge food). She was definately right in this case. Well I like Peanut Butter because I am a vegan & it is a good way to get protein in my diet. So I decided to buy some as a "whole food". That is mashed up peanut butter, fat & all, with nothing added or taken away. I don't really want to binge on this stuff as it is not sugary but, well, thick & gritty like most protein like foods. Good every once awhile, definately not a binge food. Well....I didn't throw out the other "great tasting, sugary" binge food because like most compulsive overeaters, I hate "wasting" food. What a friggin' crock!! Were starving children in Zimbabwee going to eat this? Was I saving it for the next time a hurricane hit? Civil war? Riots in the streets? Please!!! But there it sat in my fridge.....just waiting for my disease to whisper in my ear............"Pssst!!! Amy....listen, I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come & get me. Cmon......you've been good, all that hard work deserves a nice sugar high!" Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was still there. Was I trying to sabatoge myself? I really think I just wanted it there, just in case sanity got a bit to scary. Well there I was this weekend sitting in my hottub & for the first time in almost 2 months an obsessive food thought entered my head, "that pb is still in the fridge....that would taste reallllllllllllllll good." I stopped myself cold, what was I thinking!!!! I am so happy with my abstinence and my life right now. Why would I even consider giving up everything for a bite of food I don't even particularly care for except that somewhere in my sick brain a part of me could rationalize having some as a "health food" knowing full well it would lead to an all out binge!! I sat there & thought & thought.......why was I thinking this now. I really didn't figure it out but I did try. I came up with 2 options but in my heart I know neither is quite right. One was because I was coming up on an abstinence milestone and two, I was nervous about an upcoming dr. appt. (all doctors make me nervous). Well the long & the short of it is that I DID NOT BINGE!! I didn't even consider it.......the thought came & went & the only after effects were that I wondered why the thought came & why now? Also, the offending item is in the trash......have at it maggots! It's good enough for you but not for me. My body is a temple and right now HP is living inside. No room for junk food. Oh sure.....some might say my body doesn't LOOK like a temple currently......ok, so it's a little run down. It's been neglected for 2 or 3 decades. Gotta air the temple out. Put some stones back in place. Clean off the moss & cobwebs. Get some crazy bats to move. Hell, I might even upgrade it some. A little work today, a little work tomorrow......someday it will be as magnificent as the Pyramids!! And while some may be disillusioned by the current state of the outside of it, the inside is full of HP's loving grace and it shines out of me & into the world. I know that since I have been abstinent I have not been perfect, but I have improved. I am more loving, less judgemental, kinder, clear headed, thoughtful, joyous, and less unselfish than I have ever been. I have had fear but have been braver in facing it. I have known sadness and lived through it. I was in hell and even though I am not currently in heaven, by comparison, it sure does feel like it! I am also stronger & wiser. For instance, today I went to the doctor. Of course they weighed me. When I saw the scale I did not fear it.....but I didn't give in to the disease either. Nor did I fear the results. Instead I got on the scale without missing a beat, but turned myself around and merely said: "I am on a diet and not ready to hear the numbers yet". The only response from the nurse "good for you"! That was an intelligent & brave decision on my part as I know there is no number right now that wouldn't make me crazy. And hell, I'm congratulating myself! But in reality I could have never made that decision without a clear, rational mind. And I don't have a clear rational mind unless I am abstinent. Not dieting!!!!!!!! but abstinent. Dieting and abstinence are like cats and zebras. They are both 4 legged mammels, but two totally different animals. Dieting is about forcing something, for a specified amount of time, a beginning and an end, not eating is the goal and obsessive thinking prevails. Abstinence is a light breezy way of moving through life, it is ongoing . Food becomes fuel and nothing else. My days are not full of obsession but full of recovery and sanity. That is enough for now. Blessings to all!!

Amy

2006-08-13T18:19:00.001-05:00

Some of my earliest memories of food & the nightmare that continued into adulthood;

At four years old, sitting on the stairway with my two brothers watching my parents fight. We were moving, packing boxes everywhere. My mother was telling my father as soon as she could she would leave him someday. This was a big turning point in my life, it was the end of my innocence and my childhood. My two younger brothers weren't old enough to understand what was happening. My mother had declared war. She soothed us by taking us to the store and we each got to pick our own cereal. My youngest brother picked BooBerry. Andy picked Count Chocola. I picked the pink one (for girls) Frankenberry. I ate the whole box.

I was with my friend (actually the only other girl in my neighborhood....I hated her). I was probably seven or eight. We were at her church (my family did not attend). We had made crafts & now it was lunchtime. There was a wonderful punch and sandwhiches I had never had before. I loved it......I asked for seconds. The woman I asked acted like a had said I wanted to cut her head off. She said if there was any left after everyone had had some then maybe.

Halloween, we always netted a ton of candy. We lived in a neighborhood of 365 houses and we hit everyone. Our father was on the board and so we were treated different. We got special candy, full size candybars from those in the know. The candy was so voluminous. We kept our own candy but froze the chocolate. We had unregulated access to all our candy.

For years we grew pumpkins in the backyard. They grew like weeds in the Virginia soil. Our freezer was packed with pumpkin pies, the only thing mom knew to make with pumpkins.

Christmases.......mom baked a dozen kinds of cookies, several dozen of each kind. Most were frozen.......I ate a lot of foods frozen from this early training.

We were poor and on a strict budget for food. There was never enough meat. The only vegetables we ever saw was corn on the cob & canned veggies. We lived on potatoes & ketchup. The only food we had in abundance in our household was ice cream. Dad worked part time at the Highs down the street. Apparently we lived off of the ice cream he stole.

Mom taught us all how to read & write before kindergarten. She taught us to write our names by spelling them out on our sandwhiches........in ketchup. We had to know our names to get the right sandwhich. I started asking for the long form of my name to be written.

I was on a self imposed diet. I was a preteen. My mom had gotten McDonalds for the family, I froze my food knowing someday I would be off this diet. One night I literally felt insane. If I didn't eat the food in the freezer (sandwhich, sundae, fries) I would die. I called mom at work (she had left Dad by now & was working) and explained to her how wrong I felt and that I needed to eat this food. My mom was nonplussed, "so eat it" she said. Even then in my own way I was trying to explain how wrong I felt inside regarding food.

I was in Pennsylvania visiting relatives. There was a hayride which should have been pleasurable. The truck was on a steep hill and tilted and I was on the side that was tilting down. A kid started making fun of me for being fat. My brother came to my rescue. I don't remember eating that day.

I was 14 and on summer vacation....waiting for high school to start. I was dieting.....I was eating 1 can of string beans or 1 can of chicken noodle soup a day. I sat in the house with a heavy wool blanket around my shoulders, huddled over my precious food. I did not want anyone to talk to me while I ate. I did not want them interrupting my communion with the only thing I loved.

Still 14 and at the beach. It was over 100 degrees outside & the sun was directly overhead. I was laying on the blanket with half of it wrapped around me. I was freezing and could not warm up.

I was standing in the vacation house my Dad had rented. He was holding me down and forcing food down my throat to make me eat. At least he recognized I had a problem (although anorexia was not a word in the American vocabulary at the time). Unfortunately his method of force feeding me did not serve me well. I did start to eat again, more than I had ever eaten before.

I was a teen and old enough to walk to the local Highs. Most of my peers went to buy cigarrettes & soda. I went to by ciggarettes, four times the amount of soda, and large amounts of food. At first I worked a paper route to be able to get ready money. I would collect from a few houses before we went out and then never pay the paper. Sometimes I would steal from my mother. Then I started to go into various schemes. When a friends mother had to throw out thousands of chocolate bars that were past their expiration date at her work she kept them. I made it a daily practice to steal hundreds of bars from her (which cost me nothing) and sold them at school for a dollar a bar. The chocolate tasted horrible of course, dry and gritty. But I didn't eat it, I used the money to buy large amounts of food after school. Every day I would get a huge sub (18" long) filled with pepperoni & meats. By the time I finished putting the works on the thing had more calories than any human would need to eat all day. But still I also had 4-5 candy bars, slurpees, potato salad, & a 6 pack of mountain dew in the bottles. This was my "snack" after lunch at school and before supper. The lady who made the sandwhiches got to know me very well as she made them everyday for me. A red headed Irish woman, I saw her more than my own mother at the time.

I was now in my 20's & severely obese. I weighed upwards of 400 lbs, probably closer to 450 but that is a guess as the largest scale I knew of went to 400 lbs. I would come home from work and beg my youngest brother (who was now a teen) to go to the 7-11 for me & buy me my usual. A 6 pack of mountain dew (nectar of the gods!) 5 candy bars & a dozen doughnuts. Those would be my desserts after a large supper. We would usually get a 2 for 1 deal for pizza.......2 huge pizzas for $10. I & my brother Andy would practically eat 1 apiece with my youngest brother grapping a couple of slices.

I was living on my own. I was still huge and I could barely walk. I had to go up 2 flights of stairs to my apartment. By the time I made it up after a day of work I literally couldn't move. I didn't have enough energy to cook or clean. Maggots were the only visitors in my apartment when, out of desperation I would cook a box of spaghetti because I was starving and had no money. The leftovers sat & till the fat white squirming things came. The entire apartment smelled sour. I had broken the toilet with my fat ass. There was 3 inches of water in the bottom of the tub due to a drain clog which I was unable to bend over & fix. By this time I was in my mid twenties, walking with a cane. Thank God I had credit cards & there was a new delivery service. They would pick up food from one of fourty restaurants & bring it to your house. They would stop at two for an extra $5. It was charged on the credit card so what was the big deal?? I got at least two meals, usually 3 or 4, from 2 restaurants most nights until the credit cards were all charged up. I ended up going bankrupt, and losing the apartment.

There was to be a get together in the bosses office on the 3rd floor. I was too heavy to walk upstairs but I was required to go. So about 1/2 hr before the time I made my way upstairs. I made it up there....but then the boss wasn't ready to have the get together. I had no choice but to stay until he was going to have it as I knew I could not make it up the stairs once again. I stuck out like a sore thumb. Later that day my boss came downstairs to talk to me. He said he needed to talk to me. He said I had to get my shit together, I was too fat to climb the stairs. I was mortified and turned to more food to ease the pain.

I had that job for 81/2 years. Did I mention that we had all the free sodas we could drink while we worked? I went through at least a couple of sixpacks of canned mountain dews a day, and then stole some for home.

This is enough memories to last me for today. Is there any question I am a compulsive overeater and a food addict?

57 Days!

2006-08-11T13:11:00.000-05:00

Today is 57 days of back to back abstinence and the start of my blog. I will eventually post my story which will contain my adventures in addiction and recovery. I have four addictions that I have struggled with for nearly 3 decades. The first and foremost addiction (the mother of all addictions) food. Running a very close second and only losing by a nose is sex and love addiction. Third, but not far behind....drugs. Last but not least (oh we can't forget about you Mr. Barleycorn) alcohol. From this little bit of information you will probably not be suprised that I have never gambled. I think I would probably be bankrupt after sidling up to a one-armed bandit within the week. Thanks for reading my thoughts and my stories. Come back again!

Amy