Today is 60 days free of using or abusing any substance!! Whooooooohoooooooo!!!

I have really been relieved of the obsession with food. This past weekend was the first time a binge thought came up. I was thinking of having some peanut butter. It has 1/2 the fat of regular peanut butter, and as I read the label, I discovered that when they took out the fat they had to replace it with something!! That something was 3 different forms of sugar! And here I started buying this particular brand because it was "healthy" because it was low in fat! Well I should have known it wasn't healthier as I have binged on it plenty (and I never used to like p.b.!) As I read in Kay Sheppards book "From the First Bite" anything that has something removed from it, or is "free" of anything is probably bad for you (is a trigger/binge food). She was definately right in this case. Well I like Peanut Butter because I am a vegan & it is a good way to get protein in my diet. So I decided to buy some as a "whole food". That is mashed up peanut butter, fat & all, with nothing added or taken away. I don't really want to binge on this stuff as it is not sugary but, well, thick & gritty like most protein like foods. Good every once awhile, definately not a binge food. Well....I didn't throw out the other "great tasting, sugary" binge food because like most compulsive overeaters, I hate "wasting" food. What a friggin' crock!! Were starving children in Zimbabwee going to eat this? Was I saving it for the next time a hurricane hit? Civil war? Riots in the streets? Please!!! But there it sat in my fridge.....just waiting for my disease to whisper in my ear............"Pssst!!! Amy....listen, I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come & get me. Cmon......you've been good, all that hard work deserves a nice sugar high!" Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was still there. Was I trying to sabatoge myself? I really think I just wanted it there, just in case sanity got a bit to scary. Well there I was this weekend sitting in my hottub & for the first time in almost 2 months an obsessive food thought entered my head, "that pb is still in the fridge....that would taste reallllllllllllllll good." I stopped myself cold, what was I thinking!!!! I am so happy with my abstinence and my life right now. Why would I even consider giving up everything for a bite of food I don't even particularly care for except that somewhere in my sick brain a part of me could rationalize having some as a "health food" knowing full well it would lead to an all out binge!! I sat there & thought & thought.......why was I thinking this now. I really didn't figure it out but I did try. I came up with 2 options but in my heart I know neither is quite right. One was because I was coming up on an abstinence milestone and two, I was nervous about an upcoming dr. appt. (all doctors make me nervous). Well the long & the short of it is that I DID NOT BINGE!! I didn't even consider it.......the thought came & went & the only after effects were that I wondered why the thought came & why now? Also, the offending item is in the trash......have at it maggots! It's good enough for you but not for me. My body is a temple and right now HP is living inside. No room for junk food. Oh sure.....some might say my body doesn't LOOK like a temple currently......ok, so it's a little run down. It's been neglected for 2 or 3 decades. Gotta air the temple out. Put some stones back in place. Clean off the moss & cobwebs. Get some crazy bats to move. Hell, I might even upgrade it some. A little work today, a little work tomorrow......someday it will be as magnificent as the Pyramids!! And while some may be disillusioned by the current state of the outside of it, the inside is full of HP's loving grace and it shines out of me & into the world. I know that since I have been abstinent I have not been perfect, but I have improved. I am more loving, less judgemental, kinder, clear headed, thoughtful, joyous, and less unselfish than I have ever been. I have had fear but have been braver in facing it. I have known sadness and lived through it. I was in hell and even though I am not currently in heaven, by comparison, it sure does feel like it! I am also stronger & wiser. For instance, today I went to the doctor. Of course they weighed me. When I saw the scale I did not fear it.....but I didn't give in to the disease either. Nor did I fear the results. Instead I got on the scale without missing a beat, but turned myself around and merely said: "I am on a diet and not ready to hear the numbers yet". The only response from the nurse "good for you"! That was an intelligent & brave decision on my part as I know there is no number right now that wouldn't make me crazy. And hell, I'm congratulating myself! But in reality I could have never made that decision without a clear, rational mind. And I don't have a clear rational mind unless I am abstinent. Not dieting!!!!!!!! but abstinent. Dieting and abstinence are like cats and zebras. They are both 4 legged mammels, but two totally different animals. Dieting is about forcing something, for a specified amount of time, a beginning and an end, not eating is the goal and obsessive thinking prevails. Abstinence is a light breezy way of moving through life, it is ongoing . Food becomes fuel and nothing else. My days are not full of obsession but full of recovery and sanity. That is enough for now. Blessings to all!!

Amy