My Last Binge

I had been dieting on my own for about six months and doing pretty well. When I say I had been on my own I mean sans OA and the fellowship. I was not desperate enough yet to go back there! How humiliating that would be. I was too proud. I didn’t need anyone. I could do this on my own. I had proven it….I was losing weight and “abstinent” for six whole months!

The bingeing actually began several weeks before it started. If that is hard to understand…let me explain. The binge started in my mind as I stood in front of the frozen food section of the natural foods department of my local grocery store. There in front of me was an entire freezer full of soy and tofu ice creams. Ice cream is my number one, all time, major binge food. I had not partaken of it in six months. I was clean. But in that moment something in my brain snapped. Perhaps my fellow shoppers heard the pop. In that moment I reasoned that soy ice cream was a health food – and therefore OK to eat occasionally. After all, here was the proof; these sugar filled treats were in the healthy foods section. Would a supermarket lie to me??? Looking back I can see this was the beginning of my last binge.

At first I tried to measure out the servings. But quickly 1 pint (the whole package) became 1 serving for me. I was counting calories so 1 pint was an entire meal (very healthy huh?) I began the daily trip to this particular supermarket to pick up my daily pint. It was a half hour trip to the market from work, and a half hour back. A one hour round trip to obtain the object of my desire, my love, my new higher power. Soon I was getting two pints a day, one pint to eat while I worked, one pint for my supper at home. Then it was three pints a day. I needed a pint to eat on the way back from the market (while driving!) Then it was four pints a day that I NEEDED. After all, I needed a pint to tide me over on the drive home from work.

While on my daily trip to the market, supposedly for my lunch….I needed to pick up something healthy to eat in front of my co-workers. After all, I didn’t want them thinking I had some kind of problem. I would also purchase a large salad from the salad bar. It would be big enough for a family of four. I poured a quarter of a bottle of olive oil on I and loaded up with desserts from the bar for my “healthy” lunch. It was a necessary purchase as I couldn’t come back from the market everyday with only four pints of sugary treats – that would be insane! No, the fat filled salad proved I was perfectly normal.

Within weeks my addiction spiraled out of control. I was buying several pints of tofutti and soy ice creams everyday along with my thousand calorie salad, potato chips, 2-4 supersize McDonalds shakes with two supersize fries & the two-for-one apple pies, two twelve inch subs from subway, and a pizza pie from the local joint. All of this was eaten in my car as I could not allow anyone to see the volume of food I was eating.




The piece de resistance of my daily binge however, was the ice cream cake. It served eight, unless of course, you were me, in which case it was a daily serving. I was a compulsive overeating genius….managing to hide it in my closet until I could be alone at night to eat it. Only a compulsive overeater could manage to keep an ice cream cake in the closet without melting.

I was spending $50-$100 a day on my binges. All of this started because I thought I could handle a healthy treat. All because I forgot I am a compulsive overeater and food addict – and that I am powerless over my binge foods. Well, I guess there is nothing wrong with a little healthy food experimentation, right? This round of bingeing cost me a lot of money, self-esteem, and a 75lb weight gain. But in the end it is that last binge cycle that sent me into a spiral of desperation. That desperation sent me back to OA, back home. When I came back to OA I weighed 333lbs exactly. I was distraught to find all the OA meetings in my area had closed. Thankfully I found online meetings at the OA website www.oa.org. That first online meeting I attended I found a sponsor and got abstinent. I have been abstinent ever since. It has not always been easy. Getting clean and sober was hard. Detoxing was tough! I have easy days, not so easy days, and days I want to say to hell with abstinence and program. I keep coming back though….and I have maintained abstinence. I started meetings in my local area and attend new meetings that start. Now I have online friends and a local fellowship. Everyday I attend a meeting, make or take a call, read OA literature, call my sponsor, speak with a sponsee, do service or write on my recovery, I am saving my life. It is like putting money in the bank…adding time to my lifespan, storing the serenity. I need to remember that last binge, lest I forget and think once again, I need a sugary treat. I still have the markings on my closet wall from that last birthday ice cream cake (boy, I had a birthday every day!). I need to see it to keep my memory green. I cannot tell you how glad I am to remember that last binge. As long as I can remember it, it will be the last one. Over a year later and down to 180lbs life is worth living again.

Amy