This is Amy again and I wanted to share the reaction of a boundary I set with my mother. It helps to talk about this.
TV used to be my second best friend, with food being my BFF (best friend forever!) My two best friends and I spent a lot of time together. We spent time with another good friend of mine, my mother.
My mother and I would often watch junk t.v. & eat junk food. "WE" had special t.v. shows which would call for a binge. One of these shows was a television show called Big Brother. It's a reality show where they stick a whole bunch of strangers in a house with no entertainment and with challenges. They get bored, scheme & obsess, stab each other in the back, binge eat & exercise, have sex, and cause trouble for one another. I thoughourly enjoyed the show pre-recovery.
As my recovery progresses I watch very little television. What I do watch is more high brow programming or learning channel stuff. I stay away from sexually explicit material, news & depression causing material, I try to stay enlightened. Well the new Big Brother season was getting ready to start. My mother (whom I live with) was so excited she went out and bought an HDTV and got Showtime so she could see the new show Big Brother after dark which is on 3 hours a night!! It shows stuff they can't show on t.v. like cursing & nudity. I began to think about it. 3-4 hours of televsion I would feel required to watch a day. Hanging out with my mother who is definately a trigger personality. Being exposed to less than healthy behavior....this stuff is no longer for me.
The night the show was to begin I was actually agonizing over it. My mother called me a minute before it began...."come over, it's getting ready to start!". I said (actually, my HP said...because I am not that strong) "Actually, television isn't a healthy behavior for me. This show in paticular isn't. I'm not going to watch this season."
She was taken aback. It has probably been a month and I have not watched one episode, and believe it or not, my life is just fine!!!! Hmmmmm, I survived.
Well yesterday my mother let me know how she feels about it. It's a long boring story but she did something to the television so that I cannot control what tapes on my t.v. (I do like to tape & watch some healthy television shows....particularly about obesity). She let me know that she will be controlling the taping of all television shows, including what tapes on my t.v., as I no longer watch liking television. (See the addict black & white thinking there?) She was literally spitting as she said this, seething with anger. There was such visiousness and hate in her voice it really took me aback.
I realize that as a co-dependent and addict herself she has a lot to deal with. I am her only friend, besides food and television. It must be very scary for her right now. I am growing up (finally) and seperating from her. She must feel the umbilical cord being ripped from her.
I cannot control her. If she feels it neccessary to exert such control over me I can only let go and let God. Thankfully I can live without television now. And every single incident like this reminds me why it is so vitally important for me to keep my recovery, grow up, and seperate from her. Unbeknowst to her everytime she acts out like this I move farther and farther from her. Usually this means she will act out more, and violently. This is the way of children...even when they are sixty years old. But eventually (with time and patience) they do learn not to cross boundaries.
Yesterday I left the house. I had a bag with a present I bought for my father on my desk. When I got home it had been moved and obviously opened. My mother came to my room to ask how my day was. I asked her if she had opened the bag. I did not care if she saw what was in the bag...I cared that she had once again invaded my privacy. She said she had and that she knew it was OK for her to look because it was for my father, and gee it was cute. (My father, whom she hates, have been divorced for 25 years). I just looked at her, you know....a LOOK! Then I sat down to my computer, and began to ignore her. I do not need to react to this violation. I will not act like a child and yell or lash out. I need to remember this incident as one of the many, many reasons I will not be staying with her until the day she dies. If she wants to have a relationship with me, she will behave like an adult and respect my boundaries, or she will not have me in her life. Until I can leave I will pray for her as I would pray for any sick friend, as the BB says.