Today I gave away my steps 2 & 3 to my sponsor. I had been procrastinating big time on step 2 & while I had started it about a 11/2 months ago.....I just wouldn't finish it. Then I went to an online meeting one night where someone shared that procrastination was low intesity, chronic fear. That really struck a chord with me. I immediately went home & finished my step 2 & then started on step 3. By the time my sponsor was able to take my step 2 I was done with both. Now a biggie....step 4. My sponsor warned me that my step 4 would be broken down into 6 parts. She gave me my first assingment: Write a letter to my disease. I could say anything that came to mind, curse my brains out etc. I thought it would be a real F.U. I hate your guts letter. But as with most of this step writing....something entirely different emerged. I wanted to share my letter to my disease with you.

To my disease (coe & fa):

I know how you've been. You're pissed off. I'm no longer in your grips. Nearly 30 years & I've been your bitch. Doing everything you told me. You'd give me a thought & I had to comply. You gave me no rest until I did. I wanted you gone for so long. But it's not all your fault. I was complicit too. Only half of me wanted you gone. The other half of me loved you. You were always there for me. When I was lonely - you were there to keep me company. When I was tired & I thought I couldn't go on you perked me up. There were days I just thought I wouldn't get through - but the idea that you were there - waiting for me at the end of the day, waiting to comfort me & excite me - it got me through. Part of me hates you - you destroyed my body. I have an 80 yr old knee that will need replaced because of you. I have inches & inches of excess skin hanging off of me - because of you. I have stretch marks all over me - because of you. I was never a young, pretty, carefree girl - because of you. I will never be - because of you. All the life I missed - all the living I missed - because of you. I was never normal because of you. I look at all things I missed & missed out on - & I blame you. Always calling to me - day & night - never giving me any peace - never letting me alone. I never rested, never had a break from you. You always occupied my thoughts. And while part of me hates you - despises you for all that you've done - part of me loves you too. You gave me such pleasure for so long. You never called me names & you never hated me or left me. You were always there for me - so close. Anytime I wanted you. Anytime I needed you. You were my lover, my best friend. At times you were my only friend. And the times I gave you up - you patiently waited for me - called to me - & when I needed you again you were right there - there was no condemnation - no "I'm sorry's" - just "I love you's" & "see what you were missing"? And those times without you made our make up's seem so good. But then I knew you were no good for me. And every time I quit you & I went back - it was that much harder to give you up again. Despite the fact I nearly lost everything - my life, my lovers, my friends, my money, my health, my joy, everthing! I still wanted you - I still loved you. No matter how bad you treated me - you still gave me pleasure.

The more I think about it - the more I realize - it wasn't your fault - it was mine. I used you. I used you for comfort, friendship, love, companionship, excitement. And every time the consequences got too high - I'd try to give you up. I wan't fair to either of us. You need someone who can give you 24 hr devotion. Who can live, sleep, breathe you - until you kill them. Because that's what happens with you - you say you love me & you're always there for me - but the results say it all. The result of your love is temporary happiness - but the lasting result is pain, isolation, illness & death. You can't help it - it's not your fault. It's who you are. The fault is mine. I used you. I wanted your temporary pleasure. I allowed myself to use you - even when I knew it was killing me. You gave me pleasure - so sweet sometimes - it was hard to give you up - even as I saw my life slipping from me. But the pleasure - became more & more fleeting. I needed more & more of you day by day & the consequences of using you got higher & higher. I was exhausted daily - just figuring out how I would get more food, how I would pay for it, how would I get enough? How would I get time alone with you? My mind is just mentally used up from all the worry. And my body is disinigrating. And then - when I was finally alone with you - At last - the high just wasn't good enough. Over time - the sweetness bittered. It never lasted as long. Like my mind & body - it was all used up.

I never had time for anything else. there was no life in between the binges. Only pain - pain of life without you. I needed you so bad to fog up my mind & make reality more palatable. I needed you to make everything better. At first it seemed you did. But every once in awhile, reality would creep in & then I saw my life was a shambles. Usually that drove me back to you - faster & harder than ever before! Sometimes it drove me to seek help - find a better way - a better life - but still you were there - calling to me - stalking me. You said you loved me & you wouldn't let me go. But this wasn't love, it wasn't even desire - it was obsession. Couldn't you see you were killing me? If you truly loved me - you would've let me go. But I'm thankful really. You made it abundantly clear - so even I - in my dense drugged out state could finally see the truth. That while I loved & hated you, you hated me too. What other explanation could there be? You tried to kill me, over & over again. You wouldn't let me go though I begged you & cried & pleaded & prayed & begged you to leave. You must have hated & despised me too. Maybe we just hated ourselves & took it out on each other. I'm not sure - but I know this.... it has to end.

I know you don't want it too. I know at some level - you will never leave me. But it's OK - I'm leaving you. The decision is made & I will never go back to you again. Let's face it - there was love once upon a time. And you did serve a purpose fo me. There was the pleasure & comfort. But you made me fat - & that protected me for a long time. From the pain of relationships, sex, people. You numbed me from the pain of living. And that helped me enourmously. Once - a long time ago. But it doesn't help anymore. I need a real lover, real friends, human companionship - and you can't give me those things - EVER! You're not human - youre not capable & no amount of wishing will ever make it so. So yes, you gave me easy pleasure & you were readily available. But the real truth is - YOU WERE NEVER WHAT I WANTED. YOU WERE NEVER WHAT I NEEDED. YOU COULD NEVER FULFILL ME. YOU ARE A HOLLOW REPRESENTATION OF WHAT I WANT & NEED. YOU ARE EMPTY & BEREFT AND I'M DONE WITH YOU!!

It was good for awhile - but those good times ended decades ago. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. You no longer serve my needs. That seems selfish I know - after everything you've given me. But look at all that you've taken away! The ledger doesn't balance - it's not even close. In exchange for some temporary comfort & pleasure - you have demanded all my time, my energy, my money, you've destroyed my body, you've nearly killed me - you've taken my real lovers & my real friends. I needed you for companionship because you chased everybody that ever loved me away!!!! The truth is - you've been selfish. You wanted me all to yourself. You wanted my attention 24/7. You wanted my money. You wanted my body & then you used it & destroyed it. You were selfish. And I used you. And it's killing me. I'm as complicit as you - I'm admitting it. But I won't be made to feel guilty. I'm done pouring my energy into you. I've found a better way. It has it's pleasures - it has it's pain too. But it's sanity. If I can do this program I have a chance at a life - that's something I never had with you. Living with you - being in the desease - It isn't a way to live - It's a way to die. And I don't want to die anymore. I'm nearly 40 - & it's time for me to live.

I have to let you go. I need to let you go on a level I know you will never understand. There are plenty of other people for you. I know all too well. And I feel sorry for them. But you & I - we're through. You've seen how I give people & things up. I quite smoking & I never smoked again. There were times I wanted too - but I persisted & now - it's hard for people to believe I ever smoked 21/2 packs a day - some don't even believe me - because it's not who I am anymore.

You remember Chuck? And how much I loved him. And how I left & came back & left again. It must have been at least 8 times that one year. But when I made up my mind - Truly - I was done. I've never seen him since.

I know what you're thinking. I've left you before & I've come running back with open arms. But you & I know that isn't true. I've never left you. You were always in my mind, in my heart - you were my very breath. There were times - maybe even a year or two here & there - where I didn't use you. But you were always there. In my mind & heart. I fought you - but in the fighting - you were alive & well inside me - & that's why I always gave in - that's why I always came back. I was rebuking you on sheer willpower alone. I was white knuckling it physically. But my mind & heart were still yours- always yours!

But that's done now. I really have gotten you out of my system this time. And I still see you, hear you, knocking at my door - calling to me. But haven't you noticed? - I haven't been listening. Have you noticed too, I've been happy, & more peaceful then I've ever been? And I've had problems - Big Ass problems & you know what I've learned? Without you - I'm just fine. Hell, 90% of the time I don't even miss you. In fact I'm grateful as hell your not there. I don't even want you around anymore. Truth be told I resent you now that I really see what you've done to me. I know I'll have to deal with that too. But I will deal with it - without YOU!

If you ever really loved me you would read this & see the truth of what I say... and then you would leave me alone - never to return. But I have to grow up now - & take responsibility for myself. And that means that even if you stalk me for the rest of my life - I have to do what I have to do to take care of myself! If that means I have to go to meetings the rest of my life - I will. If that means I have to do step work & never eat certain foods again - I will. Because you have gotten me down so damn low - it's a miracle I'm still here. And I'm desperate - desperate enough to do anything I have to to NEVER TURN TO YOU AGAIN!!!

I'm done this time - It's really over. I'm sorry if your hurt. I'm sorry if you feel used. But truthfully - I just can't care about you anymore. You've shown me your true colors. And while once I loved you - I will nver be able to look at you the same again. What I once saw as a beautiful face looks ugly to me now. And with 3 months of sanity behind me - to bolster me - I see that his ugly face was always your true face. The food, the desire - my desire - made it look different. I was wrong, so wrong.

So you see - I really am done with you - even if you're not done with me. It really is over & in the end - there is nothing you can do about it. Even as hard as you may try - And I know you will - I am going to do everything in my power to fill my life with sanity - so you will never look good to me again. Desperation really can be a lovely gift. I believe it was given to me by miraculous means. I'm desperate enough to do anything to be rid of you. What a gift, this desperation.

I really do hope you leave me alone - so I can live my life & be happy without you. But still, I will prepare for the worst, just in case. I know you still have the power to kill me - I pray to never forget that. Nor forget just how bad it got with you. Thank God I have meetings, newcomers, & those still caught up in you to keep my memory green.

I pray to forget the good times with you, as few as they were. I won't dwell on them either - & make sweetness out of bitterness.

I felt I had to explain this to you. As this is the last time I am engaging in conversation with you - because as I said earlier - no matter how hard it may get- I'M DONE WITH YOU. IT IS OVER. I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO YOU. WE ARE THROUGH!!!!!

There is someone new in my life. He/She is always there too....but with one big difference. They let me walk away anytime I want. And anytime I want to come back they are still there. Now that's real love! Someone who gives you the freedom to stay or to walk away.

And they've never hurt me. Even when I think they have - it turns out upon later reflection - They really had my best interests at heart.

He/She never imposes their will on me - but is always there to help me & guide me. It's love unconditional, and while I can't return it the same way - I'm willing to work on it!

It's not like I'm leaving you & there's a big (w)hole in my life. Quite the contrary - my life - my world - has been filled beyond my wildest dreams. I have something now, that I haven't had for so many years - I have hope!

Goodbye,

Amy

P.S. Please don't call me.