This is in response to a question someone asked me:
YES!!! I have felt this way. Many times. Actually, I have been so depressed because of my obesity & eating...that I tried to kill myself. Not a cry for help way...a "let's end it all because life sucks" way.
I have struggled with this disease around 25+ years. I have really hit bottom. I have been in recovery over a year and you know what...I am struggling with the food MORE now than this time last year.
That is not to depress you at all. It is to tell you that there are different stages in recovery. Now I "get" what people mean by the pink cloud experience. That is what it was like in the beginning. Recovery is like a river. Some parts of it are calm & clear. Sometimes there are rapids and the water is muddy. But the river moves on...everything, even the hard times, they pass.
Now that I am in recovery, when the food gets tough...even when I lapse in my eating plan (volume...I haven't had any of my binge or trigger foods) I worry enough to step up my recovery plan (that is the purpose of stress...to get you moving) but I don't worry too much as I know....this too shall pass.
I really recognize myself in you where you talk about saying, "F_ck you" and eating the food even though you know you're hurting yourself. It is an issue of control. I WILL control my life...or my death. I WILL control how you (the world) see me. I WILL control what goes in my mouth....even if I CHOOSE to be out of control. I so get it.
The first thing I do to stay abstinent is to have a sponsor. I email my food to my sponsor daily (even when I feel it is too much). It is hard...but it is a discipline. Now it is just automatic. I have been tempted to fudge it sometimes...but I don't out of fear. Because I know that what I am doing is working. I make my weekly phone call to her (in another country) because I promised to do so. Many times I do not want to. Sometimes I call and say I'm getting right off...but I always make the call. Now I have to live in integrity, now that I am in recovery.
The second thing I do when I am iffy is go to meetings! We are lucky to have access to online meetings. Every 3 hours we can get recovery. I can guarantee 1 meeting a day. When I first came into recovery I went to one meeting a day for several months. I did anything it took. On weekends I would sometimes go to every meeting I wasn't asleep for. I was willing to go to any lengths.
Phone calls, emails, and the loops also help me. I belong to several loops so I can "hear" a lot of recovery.
I do LOTS of service too!
Looking at the list I can see I am using the tools!!! So I guess that might work for you too! One of the biggest things that help my recovery is too sponsor. There is a reason for this. You are GUARANTEED recovery contact daily. One of my sponsees is required to call every morning. This helps her recovery and helps her come out of isolation. But it really helps me too...because I am guaranteed 1 recovery phone call a day. Just a quickie...but it is something. Also I get emails from all my sponsees daily (their food) which requires a response from me...even though that response is always the same, good job!
When I first got abstinent I had to play a lot of games with myself. I had to play the....you can have something to eat in 1/2 hr game....and then when that 1/2 hr was over add another...and so on until meal time. I played video games to keep my hands busy (sometimes for several hours...rollercoaster tycoon & diner dash until I mastered every scenario). I sat on my hands...promised myself I wouldn't eat while watching tv & then watched a movie...made a phone call, took a bubble bath, I even have gone to bed to keep myself from eating.
Recently I have been having trouble with eating too much at night. I had to reach back into my trick bag again & use some of these techniques. They really work for me & they are helping me get on track before the engine derails. Hot tea & broth, or a huge glass of water quiet & growling stomach (the physical) while these activities distract my mind.
I hope this helps!