Wanted to share my thoughts on the issue of anger & discontent. This is spurred by a dream I had right upon awakening & a talk by a spiritual guru of mine.
It is also a testament to the perfection of the 12 Step program and how it works.
This guru was on a talk show and discussing what happens when one dies. He said that you could choose whatever type of Heaven or Hell you wanted when you died...it depended on what you thought. The moderator asked about what traditional Heaven was like....were there harps & choirs? This guru said hell was more interesting than a perfect Heaven. Because you needed "Divine Discontent" in order for anything to happen.
It struck me that is why the meetings & the "meetings after the meetings" are so important in the 12 Step program. When addicts pick up & use...emotionally we stop maturing. It has been my experience when we reach the program we are usually stuck somewhere in adolescence. With the help of the 12 Steps, our sponsor, and our fellows we start to grow up once we become abstinent/sober. Once the food fog has been lifted and we can see with new eyes we start to tackle the problem of "growing up" which we have denied ourselves because we were too into our drug. The world is sometimes not a forgiving place in which to learn and grow, especially when we have mature adult bodies, and adolescent brains! The people we work with may not understand a childish reaction to an adult situation after all. But here in the 12 Step rooms, there are people at all levels of recovery: physical, emotional, and spiritual. These rooms are the perfect place to throw temper tantrums, get angry, frustrated, make mistakes. Here is where you will have old timers who have been there, done that, understand what you are going through and help lead you out. You will have the upstart "youngster", the wise old crone, the nurturer, the fire starter, the peacemaker, all personality types represented. Those to learn from, those to push your buttons. I find the ones the push my buttons usually are the ones I learn the most from.
At first I thought the cyber rooms were a great place to supplement program....after all, isn't it obvious that a f2f environment is a better one? I find the answer to that question isn't so obvious. Some of us don't have access to f2f meetings, but even those who do pretty much see the same faces everyday, the same personalities. In these worldwide "cyber rooms" we have a larger experience. A real opportunity to meet with others who have vastly different belief systems and ways of living. I have talked with people from other countries, other religions, other ways of living. What a wonderful environment in which to grow.
It occurred to me that we also need "divine discontent" in these rooms in order for us to practice this new way of living. How else will we practice the principles of this program? It is a much more forgiving environment in which to learn than say, my workplace or family of origin.
I was thinking about my physical recovery (abstinence) and why I got it my second time around (I was a dismal failure my first time around gaining 200lbs in program!) I knew desperation was the reason, I knew it was based in fear. But it was not fear of death. This was important for me to figure out because I have had so many people ask me in my f2f & on line meetings, what finally kicked in? What thought made you make the decision to be abstinent & begin to recover? Yes, I was desperate to recover, but what made me desperate?
My first time around in program I was only in 2 or 3 months when I was hospitalized dying. More than a decade of rapid weight loss & weight gain, binging & purging had caused massive gallstones. One released & got stuck in the pancreatic duct. Bile released into my system, spilled over, and eventually started digesting my organs. It was a bit of a mess! I was not expected to live, but miracle of miracles I did! I remember my doctor telling me, "You can never overeat again. You can never purge again. You can never drink again. If you do, it might kill you." Well of course being the sane rational person I was, I spent the next decade binging my brains out! Gaining 200lbs! In other words, death did not scare me enough to stop engaging in my drug of choice. I remember an incredulous OA member saying to me I was lucky, I was told I would die, that should be enough to scare me into action. Well it wasn't. So why so many years later, did I finally come back to OA and get abstinent?
Last night it hit me. I came back shortly after I had seen the doctor. The had run a huge battery of tests on me & finally come up with a diagnosis after decades. I did have an illness, I was not crazy. I had been misdiagnosed for a decade. There was some real good news. My very learned specialist had told me...."There is every reason to believe, you will live a normal life span." This scared the hell out of me!! I had been told by doctors so many times I would die, I would die early, I would die disabled. Hey, that I could handle. I never thought I would live to see 40, se la ve! But now, at 39 I was being told....I could live to be 70, 80!!!!! OMG, I might live to be old! OMG, I might be like everyone else on planet Earth!!! My life is uncertain. I am not special, I don't know my expiration date. I am like everyone else, if I take care of myself.
I finally figured out the turning point for me in my recovery journey. It was not fear I would die that got me abstinent, it was the fear I would live. It was the fear I would go on for 10,20,30 or more years living like I had already done. Living paycheck to paycheck trying to feed my habit. Not having meaningful relationships & people in my life. Moving through life as a sad sack, "so special" I could never be happy like everyone else. "So different" I could never be useful. Fear and discontent have useful purposes sometimes, they can be powerful motivators.
It is good not to be special and different than everyone else. If I am like everyone else, that means that what works for other people will work for me. I have been in 12 step rooms for a long time (many different programs). I have seen the 12 step program work for hundreds of people I have personally spoken with & talked with. All different types of people, all different types of personalities, all different belief systems. Some I like, some I don't, it really doesn't matter. The ones who work the program get abstinent & sober. I have seen many more hundreds come in the program and leave. I see some stick around for years and never work the program (I was one of them). I see most come & go, and sometimes come again. It takes what it takes to get discontent enough, desperate enough, to actually work the program. That doesn't make anyone better or worse than anyone else. It doesn't make anyone more special or different. When you get desperate enough to work it, you will and it will work. 1+1=2. It took a lot for me to do the math!!
This is just my experience in program. It may not match your experience. But it is important for me to share it. I cannot keep what I do not give away. And man, do I wanna keep this!!
I hope everyone has a happy holiday season!!
Blessings in your recovery journey,
Amy