This is one of my writings from my online recovery loops. I need to do these, to remind myself what I used to be like, what I am like now, and how I got this way.
My name is Amy, & I am a compulsive overeater and a food addict,
gratefully in recovery today.
I have been blessed with 61/2 months of back to back abstinence and a
108lb weight loss since coming into OA. This has been a blessing. All of
us have probably heard the term "gutter drunk". I am a gutter coe. I
really thought there was no help for the likes of me. This is my second
time around in OA. My first time around I didn't get it. I didn't
understand the program and I needed to leave, to experiment, to get drunk
on food a whole lot more, to have more negative life outcomes, before I
was willing to work this program.
That's what I wanted to share on today. What I was like, what happened,
what I am like today.
I don't want to dwell to much on what I used to be like. My story is
extreme compared to most. I went bankrupt because of this disease. I
made it a habit to take cash advances of at least $50 a day on my credit
cards to pay for my habit. That didn't include the money I charged for
food at restaurants. I remember having to go to gas stations to buy $50
worth of binge foods because it was only my gas card that had any limit
like. Do you know how degrading it is to spend $50 at a gas station on
your gas credit card & not get any gas?
I almost died from this disease. My binge eating led to pancreatitis. I
laid in a hospital bed for a month & had 3 surgeries to save my life. I
was told I could die if I ever binged again. Did that stop me! Not on
your life.
My fiance left me because he didn't want to marry a fat girl. I used to
kid myself into thinking he was a bad guy. Looking back I don't blame
him. Who would want to marry the mess I was?
That is a small taste of what I used to be like. I can sum it up in a few
adjectives; dirty, smelly, unkepmt, morbidly obese, crazy,
obsessed....get the picture?
What happened? I came to OA, desperate to recover, and willing to go to
any lengths....that's what happened. I got a sponsor, I work the steps, I
go to meetings, I give service, I read literature, I write, I make friends
ni program....I do what it takes. That's what happened.
Yesterday I shared on my weight loss at a meeting online. This wasn't to
brag, this was to show newcomers that yes, this program really does work.
Immediately I recieved two private messages asking me, "what diet are you
on?", "what is your food plan". I explained simply that I don't eat my
binge foods and directed them to my blog so they could get more
information. I was put off by the question but didn't understand why. Now
I realize that was the wrong way to respond.
The right way to respond was...."that's the wrong question!" No food plan
or "diet" ever kept me from compulsively eating. Don't ask me what "diet"
I'm on.....I'm not. Don't ask me about my food plan, it won't work for
you. Ask me, "what do you do to stay abstinent?".
I spend a lot of time on my recovery. Let me share with you what I did
yesterday to stay abstinent.
1) I followed my food plan.
2) I went to 2 online meetings and led one.
3) I spent about 2 hours working on my computer so I could lead online
meetings.
4) I exercised per my Dr.'s orders because it supports my recovery.
5) I talked with someone from program on the phone.
6) I emailed on my home loop.
7) I read about 100 emails from the loops I belong too. I answered
questions & responded to essays.
8) I called and talked to my sponsor.
9) I read program literature.
10) I prayed and meditated.
11) I talked to several OA's online & got phone numbers.
Notice how much time I spent on recovery yesterday?? Several hours. Is
that a normal day for me....no. Is that a normal weekend for me....yes!!
I spend several hours a weekend on my recovery. Some may say, "I'm not
going to do that, I have a life". So do I! I have a life thanks to the
program. I meantioned food once. I mentioned exercise once. How many
times did I mention a form of service? How many hours did I spend
planning my food...none. My food choices for the day took a minute maybe.
Food just wasn't a priority yesterday. I ate to live. I didn't have to
worry about what I ate because I have a plan to take care of me. It is
second nature now. In fact, I was really to busy living yesterday to be
concerned with food. Food kept my body going yesterday....it was nothing
more to me than that. That was Sunday.
Saturday was a bad day for me. It was the first time in 61/2 months that
food really called me. No paticular food (which is a huge difference),
but volumes of food. My response to that was not to give in & have a
taste. I know a taste of food will at the least start the obsessive food
thoughts and at the worst will lead to an all out binge that could end
with me being put 6 ft in the ground. No thank you, I like being sane.
My response was to go to meetings, email recovery friends, make phone
calls, do service work, meditate, pray. That is how you recover, that is
how you lose weight, that is how you work a program.
I have a f2f meeting tonight. I know the chances are I will be the only
abstinent person there. I also know I will probably be the only one not
mentioning food or my new "diet" plan at the meeting. I know this from
experience....it's OK. This is where the people at this meeting are at.
I bless them & save me. I feel a great responsibility to show up to the
meeting, stay abstinent, and to talk program and not diets. I know the
people who ask me what diet I am on don't get the program yet. That is
OK, I was there once too. I hope and pray they stick around long enough
to "get it" in these rooms. I hope and pray they don't do what I did &
leave the rooms and have to go through the torment of this disease alone.
They may have too, it may be their path. It is a painful one...but for
some of us very neccessary. In any case, I take no responsibilty for
their path, I can only take responsibility for my own. But I know there
are so many people struggling and in deep pain right now, that don't know
what to do. I used to be like you, and if I make the mistake of picking
up the food again to soothe my nerves, alter my mental reality, I will be
right there with you in a heartbeat. I don't want to go there, I'll do
anything it takes not to go there. I will literally go to any lengths.
If I have to attend a meeting everyday for the rest of my life, I am more
than willing. If I have to pick up my phone which weighs 1 ton, I'll do
it. If I need to do service, I'll do it gladly. I don't ever want to
trade this life for the one I used to have. To put it midly, the last
life sucked. I was always miserable, always in pain (physically &
mentally), I was out of touch with my HP, I was always obsessing about
food (what I'm going to eat next, what I can't eat, how much I want this
or that). I don't want that life anymore. I like the life where I can see
my talents blossom. Have time to be with people instead of food & food
thoughts. Be of useful service to myself & my fellows. Be attractive.
Be healthy. Be alive!! This is the life I want. Go to any length??
Absolutely, This is a way to live!!!! Diet's, they are a way to die,
slowly & miserably. I'm either on the path to recovery or on the highway
to hell. I don't know for sure which path I will be on tomorrow. But I
know the path I am on right now, I like the view.
This is what I'm like now. I couldn't sleep...woke up way early. In the
old days I would eat myself into a stupor and not be able to function
properly all day. Today I get up out of bed, get online & do some
recovery work. I have to go now & get my dr. prescribed exercise in. Then
I'll eat an abstinent breakfast & go to work. I will probably forget
about food until I get a hunger pang which reminds me it's time to eat. I
won't get home until late tonight because I have a f2f meeting. I hope I
have time to get on my email loops tonight. This is how I live an
abstinent life.
Blessings to you in recovery,
Amy
My name is Amy, & I am a compulsive overeater and a food addict,
gratefully in recovery today.
I have been blessed with 61/2 months of back to back abstinence and a
108lb weight loss since coming into OA. This has been a blessing. All of
us have probably heard the term "gutter drunk". I am a gutter coe. I
really thought there was no help for the likes of me. This is my second
time around in OA. My first time around I didn't get it. I didn't
understand the program and I needed to leave, to experiment, to get drunk
on food a whole lot more, to have more negative life outcomes, before I
was willing to work this program.
That's what I wanted to share on today. What I was like, what happened,
what I am like today.
I don't want to dwell to much on what I used to be like. My story is
extreme compared to most. I went bankrupt because of this disease. I
made it a habit to take cash advances of at least $50 a day on my credit
cards to pay for my habit. That didn't include the money I charged for
food at restaurants. I remember having to go to gas stations to buy $50
worth of binge foods because it was only my gas card that had any limit
like. Do you know how degrading it is to spend $50 at a gas station on
your gas credit card & not get any gas?
I almost died from this disease. My binge eating led to pancreatitis. I
laid in a hospital bed for a month & had 3 surgeries to save my life. I
was told I could die if I ever binged again. Did that stop me! Not on
your life.
My fiance left me because he didn't want to marry a fat girl. I used to
kid myself into thinking he was a bad guy. Looking back I don't blame
him. Who would want to marry the mess I was?
That is a small taste of what I used to be like. I can sum it up in a few
adjectives; dirty, smelly, unkepmt, morbidly obese, crazy,
obsessed....get the picture?
What happened? I came to OA, desperate to recover, and willing to go to
any lengths....that's what happened. I got a sponsor, I work the steps, I
go to meetings, I give service, I read literature, I write, I make friends
ni program....I do what it takes. That's what happened.
Yesterday I shared on my weight loss at a meeting online. This wasn't to
brag, this was to show newcomers that yes, this program really does work.
Immediately I recieved two private messages asking me, "what diet are you
on?", "what is your food plan". I explained simply that I don't eat my
binge foods and directed them to my blog so they could get more
information. I was put off by the question but didn't understand why. Now
I realize that was the wrong way to respond.
The right way to respond was...."that's the wrong question!" No food plan
or "diet" ever kept me from compulsively eating. Don't ask me what "diet"
I'm on.....I'm not. Don't ask me about my food plan, it won't work for
you. Ask me, "what do you do to stay abstinent?".
I spend a lot of time on my recovery. Let me share with you what I did
yesterday to stay abstinent.
1) I followed my food plan.
2) I went to 2 online meetings and led one.
3) I spent about 2 hours working on my computer so I could lead online
meetings.
4) I exercised per my Dr.'s orders because it supports my recovery.
5) I talked with someone from program on the phone.
6) I emailed on my home loop.
7) I read about 100 emails from the loops I belong too. I answered
questions & responded to essays.
8) I called and talked to my sponsor.
9) I read program literature.
10) I prayed and meditated.
11) I talked to several OA's online & got phone numbers.
Notice how much time I spent on recovery yesterday?? Several hours. Is
that a normal day for me....no. Is that a normal weekend for me....yes!!
I spend several hours a weekend on my recovery. Some may say, "I'm not
going to do that, I have a life". So do I! I have a life thanks to the
program. I meantioned food once. I mentioned exercise once. How many
times did I mention a form of service? How many hours did I spend
planning my food...none. My food choices for the day took a minute maybe.
Food just wasn't a priority yesterday. I ate to live. I didn't have to
worry about what I ate because I have a plan to take care of me. It is
second nature now. In fact, I was really to busy living yesterday to be
concerned with food. Food kept my body going yesterday....it was nothing
more to me than that. That was Sunday.
Saturday was a bad day for me. It was the first time in 61/2 months that
food really called me. No paticular food (which is a huge difference),
but volumes of food. My response to that was not to give in & have a
taste. I know a taste of food will at the least start the obsessive food
thoughts and at the worst will lead to an all out binge that could end
with me being put 6 ft in the ground. No thank you, I like being sane.
My response was to go to meetings, email recovery friends, make phone
calls, do service work, meditate, pray. That is how you recover, that is
how you lose weight, that is how you work a program.
I have a f2f meeting tonight. I know the chances are I will be the only
abstinent person there. I also know I will probably be the only one not
mentioning food or my new "diet" plan at the meeting. I know this from
experience....it's OK. This is where the people at this meeting are at.
I bless them & save me. I feel a great responsibility to show up to the
meeting, stay abstinent, and to talk program and not diets. I know the
people who ask me what diet I am on don't get the program yet. That is
OK, I was there once too. I hope and pray they stick around long enough
to "get it" in these rooms. I hope and pray they don't do what I did &
leave the rooms and have to go through the torment of this disease alone.
They may have too, it may be their path. It is a painful one...but for
some of us very neccessary. In any case, I take no responsibilty for
their path, I can only take responsibility for my own. But I know there
are so many people struggling and in deep pain right now, that don't know
what to do. I used to be like you, and if I make the mistake of picking
up the food again to soothe my nerves, alter my mental reality, I will be
right there with you in a heartbeat. I don't want to go there, I'll do
anything it takes not to go there. I will literally go to any lengths.
If I have to attend a meeting everyday for the rest of my life, I am more
than willing. If I have to pick up my phone which weighs 1 ton, I'll do
it. If I need to do service, I'll do it gladly. I don't ever want to
trade this life for the one I used to have. To put it midly, the last
life sucked. I was always miserable, always in pain (physically &
mentally), I was out of touch with my HP, I was always obsessing about
food (what I'm going to eat next, what I can't eat, how much I want this
or that). I don't want that life anymore. I like the life where I can see
my talents blossom. Have time to be with people instead of food & food
thoughts. Be of useful service to myself & my fellows. Be attractive.
Be healthy. Be alive!! This is the life I want. Go to any length??
Absolutely, This is a way to live!!!! Diet's, they are a way to die,
slowly & miserably. I'm either on the path to recovery or on the highway
to hell. I don't know for sure which path I will be on tomorrow. But I
know the path I am on right now, I like the view.
This is what I'm like now. I couldn't sleep...woke up way early. In the
old days I would eat myself into a stupor and not be able to function
properly all day. Today I get up out of bed, get online & do some
recovery work. I have to go now & get my dr. prescribed exercise in. Then
I'll eat an abstinent breakfast & go to work. I will probably forget
about food until I get a hunger pang which reminds me it's time to eat. I
won't get home until late tonight because I have a f2f meeting. I hope I
have time to get on my email loops tonight. This is how I live an
abstinent life.
Blessings to you in recovery,
Amy
posted by Reignfyre @ 5:04 AM
1 Comments:
Thank you for the reminder that working the program requires actual work.
Your post reminds me how grateful and lucky I am that all three of my f2f meetings have members with strong long term abstinence. The recovery in the rooms is steady and real. Newcomers seem to identify with me at first because I am actively losing weight and am still a newcomer (Even with 15 months of abstinence I'm a newbie in program), they always want to know what I'm doing. What is my food plan? They want me to tell them the magic formula. Luckily many have stuck around long enough to know that the steps are the most important thing and that their food plan is just one of the many tools.
Your posts give me so much to think about. Thank you.
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