This is part of an essay in response to the Big Book:
This passage speaks volumes to me....it is hard to know where to begin.
The elusive sensation, I have chased it so often. As my disease
progressed I rarely received the relief I was so desperate for. That
moment of bliss where all the pain & memories evaporated...and I was just,
full....complete. Towards the end of my coe days I never had the relief I
sought & yet still, desperately chased it praying that one day it would
come. It was such a sick & dysfunctional way to live.
If I had a dollar for every time I would start a "diet" or a "new way of
life" I would be Donald Trump! When the cravings for refief from life
hit....it is hard not to turn to the only thing that ever worked, even
when it no longer works & it is killing you. My mind would
scream....maybe this time!!! Once I made the decision to put the food
down & allowed myself some time to heal from the food fog I lived in,
looking at how I lived previous seemed insane. It is incomprehensible how
food could make me crazy, and yet it did.
For me that psychic change really took place in working step 2.
Developing a HP that I could trust in, believe in, & have faith. It was
the first time in a long time I had hope.
Step 3....making the decision to turn my will & life over to my HP, helped
that faith grow. Allowed me the safety I needed in the world to move on
with an abstinent life. Step 2 & 3 are where the psychic change took
place for me. First came the abstinence & the surrender. Surrendering
that I had no control over food, surrender that my life had become a mess,
surrender to a new way of life, surrender my will....all of it. Then the
psychic change.
The medical profession neither hurt nor helped. Professionals tried to
wake me up from my destructive behavior for 20+ years. If you asked me a
year ago I would have told you they hurt me....making me feel guilty about
my weight. But now I see that is a blame game. The truth is the medical
profession saved my life long enough for me to finally get my act together
& work the OA program. I owe a great deal to the medical profession &
could never repay them. Unfortunately most doctors are not trained in how
to deal with addictions nor trained in coe'ing specifically. I think it
us up to me to share my problem & the solution with the medical
profession. I am responsible for sharing my recovery....one doctor at a
time, one coe at a time. If the doctors had information, then they would
be able to act on it. You can't hold the medical professionals
responsible to give information they don't have. Also, I need to take
responsibility for me....the 12 steps have taught me that. No, I have
nothing to do with giving myself this disease...but I & only I am
responsible for treating it. Any harm done to me by the disease of
addiction/food/coe...was done to me by myself & my actions & inactions.
This is a position of power. I can do something about MY behavior, MY
thoughts, MY actions.
I KNOW the promise of recovery is real. I am living it right now. 7
months abstinence may not seem like a lot to some. But I have been shown
a world I never knew existed. I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.
Living in my addiction was like living in a black & white Kansas. But
living in abstinence....the world is in Technicolor!! I feel like
Pinocchio...I'm a real live human!!!! Who knew!
I get very adamant & excited when I talk about abstinence. It is only
because I know how wonderful life is now in comparison to my old life. I
want for every coe in the world to have what I have now. I feel very
connected to my brethren in food addiction. NO ONE can understand me like
another coe & I feel the pain of those who are stuggling. I want to help
them....how can I not? When I know how bad they feel now, & how good they
CAN feel. It is as if we share a body. It is hard because I cannot
magically make anyone abstinent, just like no one could do it for me. I
can only live the abstinence & share it where I can & hope & pray one day
we will all be saved from the hell of living in the addiction.
Blessings,
Amy