This is a share from one of my recovery loops. I started out answering questions and then it morphed into what you see. I put the questions in green and in quotes. The questions were from a recovery loop at www.therecoverygroup.org.
My name is Amy, I am a compulsive overeater and food addict (and multiply addicted). I am gratefully abstinent & in recovery today.
"Which chapter of the Big Book is your favorite?"
The chapter to the agnostic. I have a very logical brain. That logical brain ironically made me act like an insane person. I need to let go and let God. This chapter helps me when I am struggling with that. This chapter also saved my life....as when I came back to OA, I was very angry at God. I needed this chapter to help me see, logically, that I needed a power greater than myself in my life, and to help me develop one I could live with.
"Did you struggle before or after you joined Overeater's Anonymous, or both?"
The first time I joined OA I struggled whilst in the program. I struggled bad. Probably because I never followed any of the suggestions in the BB or bothered much with the idea of a sponsor or abstinence. I used OA as a social club. I liked being with people who understood the power food had over me. I was very careful to stay away from those who were abstinent however. I only hung with the bingers. Meetings were also an excuse to get out of the house so I could binge all the way to and from meetings (they were an hour away).
My second time around in OA (and several years later, hundreds of added pounds later, many less friends later) I was desperate enough to do as I was told. I found TRG online....got a sponsor that day, and became abstinent. I have been abstinent ever since. Yes, I have struggled. But the struggle is not the same. More like I wrestle with my defects of character rather than food. I made the decision that first day not to wrestle with food anymore. I listed my binge foods, and now I no longer eat them. I may think of them from time to time (although less and less) but I won't have them. They are no longer for me. They are poison. I would not drink battery acid, nor will I eat xyz. I sometimes realize after the fact that I have had to much volume....but I view that as a learning experience. My body is still trying to figure out normal for me. I consider my abstinence staying away from my binge foods. Eating toomuch volume of healthy foods (like salad) is something to be tackled another time....in HP's time. There is no hurry, I plan on being around awhile. I have lost weight every month in OA....so I know I am on the right track. Although I do measure foods that are dense in calories or fat. I don't struggle like some do. But I also attend meetings online or f2f everyday, utilize my sponsor, write, read literature, and follow my food plan every single day. I do the work necessary to be abstinent and to recover. That has made all the difference.
"Do you always follow the "suggestions" in the Big Book and from your sponsor - what are the reprecussions if you don't?"
I follow the suggestions of the BB and my sponsor....just usually not right away. It is as if the rebellious coe in me needs some time to make sure I really "need" them. I guess I need pain before I am willing to do what is right. Pain is the consequence of ignoring my sponsor and the BB.
I think it was last week we talked about favorite songs as they relate to recovery. I wanted to share this with you. I wanted to chime in on a movie I saw recently that I just loved. It will sound stupid to some because it is based on a cartoon character. But I think it has deeper meaning. It was the Spiderman 3 movie. We all know the sweet,thoughtful, loving, gentle character of Peter Parker. In the movie he was having a hard time with his career, his girl, hisfriendships....everything was going wrong. It seemed to come out of the blue. Maybe he could have handled one or two things....but everything hit him at one time. An "alien" substance (read drug of choice, aptly named "venom") started to infect him. At first it seemed harmless in that it apparently gave him great power, confidence, fearlessness. It also seemed to have no long term consequences, at first. Soon this sweet man began to do things that seemed to be out of character to him and those around him. His confidence became cockiness and selfishness. His fearlessness,foolishness. He became mean and bitter, lashing out at innocents, and being even crueler to those he said he loved the most. He became vulgar and crude and didn't seem to notice that those around him were repulsed by him, rather than attracted to him. He started hanging around people of low character. He increasingly needed more and more of the alien presence (drug of choice). Finally he did the unthinkable and hit the woman he loved and desired. He realized with horror that he had become someone he was not....and yet he was. All those horrible defects of character were in him. They were a part of him. This alien (doc - drug of choice) just brought out and magnified those parts of his character. He lost himself, to himself, within himself....helped by the alien/doc. He became something dark, pathetic, sinister, selfish, evil. And worse HE had done it, willingly, and had enjoyed most of the ride. It took a great act of will and luck (read HP's intervention) in order for him to get out of the mess he put himself into. It took heroics and discipline. He even had to help others who were also in the same mess (his friend...the green goblin, who had also started out good and then turned to evil). He had to do the right thing (save the woman he loved) while giving up the outcome (she may still never go back to him). This was me. I was a bright and shining light of God, a good woman/girl, who let my doc change me into something I was, and wasn't. It was who I was, for nearly 3 decades. And yet, it wasn't who my HP wanted me to be. It was me, distorted and broken, my character shattered into a thousand pieces like glass. And I had put the picture back together as best I could. But with my view of life being so distorted, what kind of job could I do?? I needed the intervention of my HP to see the real picture, and help me piece my life back together the right way. It took time and effort. Damn near heroics on my part. I had to do it despite the fear I felt, the dread over the outcome, the pain of being cut by those sharp jagged edges. But I followed the 12 steps and slowly but surely, the real me began to emerge. I was a good woman who walked the path of evil, despair, heartache and shame. My character defects magnified by my doc, was a horrible thing to witness, and worse to live. All the better to show others how well this new way of life works for me.
Here is the part of the movie that really got me. If you haven't seen it....this is a spoiler, but it speaks volumes to me.
Here his friend, the green goblin, who has walked the same path as him, dies. Yet Peter Parker/spiderman lives. Is this luck? HP's plan? Did green goblin just walk the path of darkness a moment to long? Did he not rejoin the human race soon enough. I don't know. I suspect neither does Peter Parker.
I used to weigh 450lbs. I was morbidly obese most of my adult life. I almost died because of my severe eating disorders. I was anorexic (way back before it was "fashionable". I was bulimic to the point were I lost my gag reflex and had to use syrup of ipecac to vomit. I have abused laxatives, diuretics, and speed to the point of near death. I ruined my gallbladder and nearly killed my pancreas and liver. I ruined my poor knees due to all the excess weight I carried. I ruined my metabolism. I lost all my lovers, most of my friends, even most of my family. I have lost most of my jobs due to my morbid obesity or the complications thereof. I lost a promising psychiatric career (physician, heal thyself). I have lost almost everything, so many times, most people just gave up onme. My father said to me not 6 months ago this was all for naught as surely, I would die anyway (of this disease). I even gave up on myself in a desperate moment when I tried to kill myself. And I'm not talking about a cry for help here....I wanted the pain of living over, finito, end of story.
Yet here I am. I look around and my life is better than I could ever imagine. I am not where my fellow earth travelers are. How could I be? I just awoke from a 30 year drug induced slumber. They all moved on. They have families of their own, careers, new friends, homes andmortgages, they quite simply have different lives than I could ever have.
My life is different. Yet I don't feel left behind really, so much as I feel grateful to just have the opportunity to be alive. I'm here, and I have no earthly right to be. It is by the grace of my HP, by the grace of His/Her mercy. I believe I am here for a reason. What other explanation could there be for my still being alive after all I have been through? This turnaround is not of my doing. My doing would would have me 6 ft under, long ago.
I look around and I see others, who did not do as bad a job with their lives as I did with mine. They didn't seem to go too far down the dark road to me. Yet they are not here. They lost their lives to this disease. I watch others go down that packed, yet lonely road...and I am helpless to stop them. I cannot force them to turn around, the decision must be theirs.
So here I am....watching friends die from this disease. Grateful to not be them, powerless to stop them from making deadly choices. Knowing the pain they are in. All I can do is to make the next right decision. First things first. Maybe by my example more lives will be saved. I do what I can, where I can, all the while knowing I am only responsible for me.
I know how the character of Peter Parker felt watching his friend die. Knowing all the while it could have been him. SHOULD have been him. Why am I so lucky? Why am I alive? What made the difference.
The only conclusion I have come to is that I will never know. It is a passing thought as I live my life today. The only thing I know is that it gives me a great and sober RESPONSIBILITY to act soberly and to beabstinent. To be a sponsor. To be abstinent. To work the 12 step program to the best of my ability. To be abstinent. To be abstinent. To be abstinent. "With great power, comes great responsibility." I need to be abstinent today. It is the greatest service I can give to those who still suffer.
Here are the words to another song that speaks to me about my recovery (it's not the whole song) ....
Superman by Five for Fighting
I can't stand to flyI'm not that naiveI'm just out to findthe better part of meI'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, more than some pretty face beside a trainand it's not easy to be me
I wish that I could cryfall upon my kneesfound a way to lieabout a home I'll never seeit may sound absurdbut don't be naiveeven heroes have the right to bleedI may be disturbedbut won't you concedeeven heroes have the right to dreamand it's not easy to be me
I'm only a man in a phony red sheetlooking for special things inside of meand it's not easy to be me
Now you may think....does she think she is a superhero or something. Some kind of complex here...get her on the couch immediately....where is Freud when we need him?
But understand, in my life, in my world, today I AM a superhero. I AM fighting the good fight. Sometimes the struggle is easy, sometimes it seems to take Herculean efforts. Sometimes I may fail, other times I win the day. But all in all, I am fighting the GOOD fight, and despite losing an occasional battle I am WINNING! I have powerful allies. My mother, who has never ever left my side despite all that I have put her through. My brothers who have loved me even when I was totally unlovable and didn't deserve their care and kindness. I have the most powerful allies in the rooms of OA. Even when strength of recovery is hard to find I have these allies in literature. My most powerful ally is my sponsor....now she IS a superhero. I learn from her example, she is teaching me to fly, she is teaching me to be free. I am not her, I am different. But I want to be very much like her. Maybe my superhero costume will resemble...but be different than hers. Same colors, different take?? Uniquely mine.
I meet superheros in my f2f meetings. Some have the gift of spirituality if not abstinence. Some I feel a kinship with. Some, I don't like so much, but I admire qualities in them. Some are disturbingly and eerily similar in to me in our experiences/tastes/likes & dislikes. Totally different on the outside, same insides and experiences. Like looking in a mirror, image is completely different, and yet exactly the same. I would not want to go into battle without any of these allies. Yet sometimes I have to. I give my will to my HP. I fight the fight today, even if I have to go it alone. I am lucky though. So far, just in the nick of time, when I think it is all over and I have lost the day, there is one of my superhero allies, come from out of the blue, ready to help me. I thought I was alone, I was going to die in that moment, by myself. But here is one of my brethren. How did they know that I needed them right in this exact moment? Thank you Hp. Thank you fellow OA'er for listening.
I am a superhero today because I am abstinent. Today, I guarantee you, you are a superhero to SOMEONE! We have a responsibility, us superhero's. We need to do the next right thing. When we mess up we don't have the luxury of sitting around and wondering and wallowing in the why. We have to pick ourselves up, stop the bleeding, and keep moving forward. We have to take that next step. We are in a battle alright. We are in a battle to save our lives, and those of our fellow sufferers. To extend the heart and hand of OA, for this, we are responsible. For this, I AM responsible. You have my first name, because I exist, I need a name, to be called something. But you don't have my last name, because we superheroes, we have to be anonymous. It makes it easier for us to do our jobs. Today I saved a life, mine. Please save yours. I need you in this battle.
Superhero name: Reignfyre
Mild mannered real life name: Amy
Height 5'11"
Former weight Appox 430-450lbs
Current weight 195.2 lbs
Date of Abstinence 6/17/06
What is your date of abstinence?