I am doing step work & this is a major revelation for me. I just realized why my self-esteem is so badly hurt when someone treats me poorly. I think that when others treat me bad I deserve it! I assume that others treating me badly means that I must be bad. I have done something or they wouldn't treat me bad. The truth is 99% of the time when someone treats me bad it probably has nothing to do with me!!!!!

I am grateful to be abstinent!
I am grateful to have a sponsor.
I am grateful to have program friends where I live & in other countries.
I am grateful for the wisdom of the BB.
I am grateful to have a relationship w/my HP which has many faces.
I am grateful to have "permision" from program to choose a HP that works for me.
I am grateful for my sponsees who keep me "plugged in" to the program.
I am grateful for service that forces me to be program involved, even when I don't want too.
I am grateful for a job that is not overly stressful.
I am grateful I have a relative that allows me to drive their vehicle.
I am grateful for a beautiful day.
I am grateful my body still works....and works well despite how badly I treated it.
I am grateful that today, I love myself.
I am grateful for TRG....which was here when I had no f2f meetings.
I love my loops! Very grateful.
I am really grateful for the 12 steps which have changed my life.
I am grateful for laughter.
I am grateful to go for a walk on my lunch instead of binging on 2-3 meals while driving deadly.
I love my life today!

I had a whacked out dreams last night & it was really meaningful.
The last one (I had just as I woke up) involved my father. He has always been a trigger person for me & in general a negative force in my life. We have really worked at developing a relationship the past 10 years however and I was devastated when he told me he is moving across the country with his wife. He is however, very, very controlling. So I have been staying away from him not because I don't love him, but because I no longer want to be controlled by anyone but my HP.
Last night I dreamt I went to visit him before he left for Vegas. He wanted/demaded I get in the truck & that I drive. I did as he said but then he said put the truck in reverse & drive as fast as you can. I said, "No way!! Why would I drive backwards." In the weird way dreams can magically make things happen he made the vehicle drive like 60 mph....but I had to steer while the truck went backwards. I was screaming desperately!! "Stop, stop, Oh my God!!!!!!!!!" I was terrified!!! I knew I was going to die!
As I woke up I realized that this move of my fathers is one of those blessings in disguise. He always wants me to live my own life....as long as I make the choices HE wants me to make. He is always wanting me to steer my life, but only where, when, & how he tells me. I think this is one of HP's ways of making sure I "grow up". Removing one of my very controlling parents from me. I wonder what will happen with the other one! :D

wrote to someone in paticular but wanted to share my ESH with myloopies.I too have struggled all my life with food and was inprogram31/2 years with no abstinence....though I thought I was doingwhat Ineeded to (sponsor, step work, service, etc). The truth isthat in orderto recover the first thing *I* needed to do was putdown the food. I wasnot capable of the honesty neccessary to workthe steps while I was usingmy drug. Using my drug automaticallymakes me a liar, a sneak, a fraud.Abstinence is a gift....but it isa gift I give myself! My HP is alwaysgiving me everything, but Ido not always choose to recieve. What I hadto struggle with is thatsometimes a gift doesn't seem like something youwant. I rememberbeing fired from a job I was very good at. They said Iwas the bestat my job when I was there....but I was not there enough. Iwas notthere enough because I was struggling with this disease &depression (now I see the depression was caused by the foods I waseating). At the time being fired didn't seem like a gift. I hatedeveryone involved with this, including my conception of God at thetime. I thought I was drowning, dying. People were trying to killme...it didnot seem like a gift. Looking back it was a gift!!!! Itwas the strawthat broke the camels back for me. It was one of themany things thatled to a suicide attempt. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, doesn'tlook like a gift yet,does it? But that led to me going to anintensive outpatient therapyprogram which helped me process a lot ofdeep & intense pain. It wasthe beginning of what was to be along road back to recovery & OA. Without the "gift" ofbeing fired....I would have stayed in aneverlasting sea of misery.That was a long illustration to show whatabstinence was like for meat first. It was NOT easy. It didn't seemlike a gift...it seemedlike pain. Detox sucked! It wasn't fun to NOTturn to food when Iwas bored, uncomfortable, lonely, or in pain. Food& eating WASmy major source of entertainment. It was the carrot thatgot me upto go to work in the morning...it was everything. Food was myGod. Followed closely by television and sexually acting out. I made achoice to not eat my binge & trigger foods. I had made a decisiontonot eat this or that a thousand times but then would turn around& eatit. This was my first stab at integrity. It was hard. Iliterally hadto sit on my hands once to keep me from eating(something I heard in ameeting once). I had to distract myselfconstantly. But after a coupleof months it got easier, a loteasier. One of my distractions was goingto online meetings. I wasgoing to 3 & 4 a day. That is what Ineeded to make it throughdetox. Any lengths is what I agreed to, and I amproof that it can bedone. It does mean living through the pain ofdenying yourselfpleasure (though that pleasure is fleeting, and causes aninfiniteamount of pain later). The good news is that once you clean outyourbody of the toxic/allergic substances the physical cravings go away. The step work will help you change your reactions to life. The toolshelpdeal with the mental obsession until the step work promises meetyou. Thephysical abstinence takes care of the phyicaldesires/cravings for food. I do not eat ANY sugar except fruit. Even that I eat it with fat &protein to help modify how itaffects my blood sugar. I have eveneliminated certain fruits frommy diet because they don't make me feelgood when I eat them. Theymake me crave more, and I am spoiled now. Idon't like physical ormental cravings. I would rather do without thefood....it makes lifeso much easier. I do have the promises however so ifI accidentlyingest something with sugar in it I find that I do recoilfrom it asif it were a hot flame. So I have more freedom now that I didwhen Iwas first abstinent. I really didn't eat out at first. Now I findthat I can...though I am careful. If I try something that has sugar initthat I didn't expect or was told didn't....and it affects me, Istopeating it. I had something recently out that I am sure musthave had somesugar in it...though I didn't taste it. It didn'tbother me at allthough. It reminded me of the time I was with mysober alcoholic lover. We were eating something & I discoveredafter we were done there wasalcohol in it. He was unconcerned and Ididn't understand (sure he wouldbe drunk any second now &wouldn't stop drinking) but he explained tome that "he hadceased fighting anything or anyone--evenalcohol.....he reacted"sanely and normally" and this happenednaturally. I didn'tget it at the time, but now I do. After awhile ofworking theprogram you begin to react normally to food, so accidentlyingestingone of my trigger/binge foods doesn't kill me. However that isahuge leap from deliberately ingesting these foods....which is a smackinthe face of my HP. It means I am doing MY will & not my HP'sWill. Ihave eaten foods in a restaurant I thought would be OK butas soon as Itaste it I recoil from it. It is good to know my HPprotects me by givingme back my body's senses. In the past I soabused food that I lost"normal" reactions to food. Icould eat insane amounts of food,and not be full. I could ingest somuch sugar I am shocked I didn't dieof shock. I lost my taste budsability to taste food normally. I havebeen abstinent 1 year & 4months and my taste buds reset back tonormality. My ability tosense hunger & fullness is returning. Myreactions to food arenormalizing. I started out abstaining from sugar(all forms butfruit) & wheat, desserts & my personal binge &triggerfoods (which pretty much encompased anything w/sugar &wheat!) But I had some biggie foods that needed to be listed seperatelybecause foods that mimick them without these substances are too muchforme. It seemed like giving them up was like giving up my bestfriend. Nowit is a blessing. I am free!!!!!!!!!!! I don't WANT topick up thosefoods. To me they signify being imprisoned & inpain. Being free ofthem, out from under their grip, is a gift. Laterin my abstinence Irealized that flour was an issue for me. I waseating a paticularnon-wheat flour everyday...craving it. I decidedto experiment & giveup flour for a few days and see how I felt. I felt even freer. I haven'thad any since. To me flour is aprocessed substance that makes my drugeasier to deliver. Although Ido eat oatmeal that I occasionaly grinddown....just not to the samedegree as processed flours. I do eat brownrice and cereals andother whole grains. Just not wheat & flours& pastas. Idon't even miss them. I do not fear eating out anymore. I stayedaway from eating out when I first got abstinent. Gradually Iwouldtry it. Based on how well I did would usually determine how long itwas before I tried it again. Now it isn't even an issue except thatIlike & prefer eating at home the food I cook. But if I have toeatout (traveling for instance) I do & I don't worry. I alwaysbringabstinent food just in case....but often I find something onthe menu. Astime goes by I trust myself more & more because Itrust my HP more& more. I went to an amusement park lastweekend. I hit a low pointwith my blood sugar and was ready to gohome (after only 3 hours). Myniece was terribly dissapointed. Iknew I needed hot food. I had myabstinent dressing on me so a saladwas fine but I needed something hot(it was really cold!) So I stoodin line thinking at a Italian placethinking "there is nothing Ican eat here hot" and HP put thisvery bossy, loud woman next tome. Here was a gift in disguise. As sheimpaled me with her loud,bossy attitude (and me getting more irritable bythe second as myblood sugar dropped) it came out that she used to managethisparticular restaurant. She was a head honcho in the park yearsearlier & though she was retired she was a wealth of info. Turnsouther husband had a severe allergy & she was used to navigatingtherestaurants. She KNEW what I could & couldn't trust here. Shefigured out the eggplant & sauce (I would never dare try onmy own)should be fine. No wheat or flour in it at all. I wasworried therewould be too much cheese on it & sugar in thesauce. But the cheesewas clumpy on top & easy to remove &the sauce wasn't sweet &didn't trigger me at all. It gave mejust what I needed and I ended upclosing the park with my niece& we had a ball!! The next day wasbusiness as usual with myabstinence. I really feel that my HP put thiswoman there to helpme. (She also got us front row seats to a SRO showwhile we ate aswell as a "special" discount!) Then she left ourlives! Itrusted myself enough at this point in my abstinence to put downthefood if it triggered me & to survive the cravings. Everythingjust worked out. I have also been in a situation where I have eatenafood that SHOULD have been purely abstinent but one bite revealeditWASN'T a safe food for me. I put it down & lived through thecravingsfor a few hours and lived to be abstinent another day. Thisis how itworked for me. I really stay away from all processed foods& foodswith chemicals (long ingrediant lists) and try to eatfoods my HP put onthe planet in their natural forms (whole grains,vegetables, fruits, nuts(raw & unsalted....like HP made them)& seeds. Natural, natural,natural. If I eat a natural foodthat triggers me....I put it down. Recently I had to put downcashews & bannanas as they caused cravingsin me. I tried toreintroduce cashews....but they caused cravings....so Iput it backdown. But I only tried to do this after I was really securein myabstinence. I tried to stay away from anything remotely"iffy" in the beginning. MY food plan has changedduring myabstinence because your body has normalized and I also Ibecome less &less willing to "suffer" cravings. Idon't know what my foodplan will be next month, next year, nextdecade. Only my HP knows. But Iknow what I can safely eat todayand not have physical and mentalcravings. I KNOW there are certainfoods I cannot eat safely, EVER. These include ice cream, macaroni& cheese, cake & pastries, bread, etc. I have so abusedthese foods....I have eaten enough forseveral people for severallifetimes. I have given up the right to safelyeat these foods. Iam fine with that, I no longer miss them. They do notsignal joy orhappiness anymore...just pain & suffering. I have livedwithoutthem long enough to get sane. My sane brain tells me they arepoisonfor me & choosing to eat them will never be the right choice. But I make this decision daily...just like an alcoholic. AlcoholicsKNOWalcohol will never be OK for them to drink again....but thedecision tonot drink alcohol is made daily, everyday they are alive.That is metoo....I am an addict. Honesty tells me I cannot eatthese foods again. But I can only make choices NOW. So for this dayI choose to maintainthis beautiful gift of abstinence, which I givemyself. Thanks to my stepwork given to me by my wonderful sponsor,I have a connection to infiniteHP & I have integrity to livethis daily promise. Amy M. COE/FA/addicted tovolume Age: 40 Height: 5'11" 1/4" Top Weight:Appox 430-450lbs Starting OA weight: 333lbs Current weight 180lbs Date of Abstinence 6/17/06 Food plan: No sugar, wheat,flour, binge or trigger foods, desserts Why I got abstinent:"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was morepainful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

This is something another coe wrote on a loop. It was so beautiful I didn't want to forget it.

"I now understand that I am no more (or less) a precious and intentional expression of HP's Creation than a brilliant star in the Universe, a vast ocean, a glorious tree, or a tiny, smooth grain of sand. "