I am a coe & fa, that is why I choose to medicate my feelings with food (as opposed to another substance or behavior). I believe I was born an addict, possibly even specifically a food addict, and definitely groomed to be a food addict by life's circumstances. But why am I an addict was not the question.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I binge knowing eventually I will die from morbid obesity, heart attack, cancer, pancreatic attack, slitting my wrists? Because I don't want to feel. I want to be numb. I am scared of my feelings, the world, and most of all of being out of control of what will happen next. Large quantities of food numb me to pain & caring about what will happen next. And if those large quantities of food are sugary, I get some temporary pleasure thrown in for the ride.
Yes, large quantities of food numb my pain, but it also numbs *all* my feelings. I lose the ability to be human without my feelings. I lose me.
The BB says why I am an addict is unimportant, and I think that is correct. I do happen to know the why's, but it has never helped me manage the addiction. Why's gives me some great excuses to NOT recover, lots of fodder for therapy, lots of justification for my actions, and a lot of resentments too. But the why has never helped treat the addiction.
If I have an infection ravaging my body...well, knowing the why may help prevent me from getting the infection again, or it may not. But the treatment is known without the why....antibiotics. Hook me up doc!
The same with this disease. I know the why's and it has never helped. But the treatment is there, in the BB, 164 pages worth. You can condense it down into 12 steps, 12 traditions, & 12 concepts. Thank God my food addled brain doesn't even have to do that. I can just sit in meetings and absorb the message until I am straight enough to think again. Thank God for the slogans which make the message simple enough for my complicating & dissecting brain. Thank God for a sponsor who never gives up on me, though I give up on myself often. Thank God for a HP that is always there for me, though I often forget to ask for help. Thank God for miracles, which save my butt when I need it even though I shun the solution.
My name is Amy, and I am a hopeless, dying, and depressed food addict and compulsive overeater when I am using. Life is shitty when I am using, regardless of my true life circumstances.
My name is Amy, and I am a hopeful, recovering, feeling, learning, growing, compulsive overeater and food addict in recovery today. My life circumstances are unchanged, but today I am hopeful. The sun always shines a little brighter when I am in recovery.
Thanks
