T.R.U.S.T. - Try Really Using Step Three
P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens
B,L.O.A.T.E.D. - (don't get too:) Bored, Lonely, Overwhelmed, Anxious, Tired, Excited or Depressed

It's me and I have to tell my story at a face to face meeting and at an online meeting. I was in the writing mood and done procrastinating so this is my story. It is not polished at all and needs editing. But here it is! Enjoy!

My recovery story

My name is Amy and I am a compulsive overeater, food addict, and multiply addicted. I am gratefully abstinent today and in recovery. Today is my ______th day of consecutive abstinence. I have _____ years, _________ months, and ________ days.
I wanted to tell you a little bit about my food plan. Everyone here probably knows the definition of abstinence, which is refraining from compulsive overeating. My abstinence & food plan are very simple; I refrain from eating my binge foods. That means I don’t eat any manufactured, refined, or processed sugar. I only eat sugar in its natural form, for instance, fruit. I don’t eat syrups for instance, especially high fructose corn syrup. I started my abstinence refraining from eating wheat because I had previously discovered in an earlier attempt at abstinence that wheat was very addictive for me. It triggered me to eat volume and other high fat/high sugar foods. I did eat flours made from non-wheat substances. As time went on I discovered that my body preferred not eating flour of any sort. It was just too much sugar flooding my system at one time. I never would have started out wanting this kind of food plan and would have thought life without flour and sugar to harsh a food plan but now I welcome it because it has given me freedom. I do not eat cheese as it is a highly addictive substance for me nor do I eat dessert of any kind, other than fruit. I have a secondary food plan in place which is like a weight loss addendum. Because I have weight to lose I limit how much I eat with caloric limits and measuring foods that are high in fat although they are healthy and not on my binge/trigger lists. I want to stress that my food plan will probably not work for most people. But I am willing to share anything about me that might possibly help another coe/fa. I happen to be a vegetarian, but that is for spiritual reasons. The bulk of my diet is natural and raw foods consisting of vegetables and fruits, eggs, soy, beans, raw & unsalted nuts & seeds.

What it was like:

My top weight was 450 lbs approximately. I say approximately because the scale I was using topped out at 420. Quite frankly I killed the scale. I was wearing a 5X in men’s clothing. I use the term clothing loosely. Think drapery rather than clothing. I didn’t get on the scale until I wanted to lose weight so it is very likely that I weighed even more. I did not weigh myself for decades unless a doctor demanded it. Most doctors scales didn’t go that high however.

My first bought with weight was not morbid obesity however, it was with anorexia. I was a healthy girl and came from a family of big eaters, who were all big! So I was chunky or husky, big boned or “healthy” depending on how you looked at it. I wasn’t obese though. But I developed early. I was 10 years old and nearly 6’ tall. I matured early, probably because I was slightly overweight. Most children who are overweight do mature early because certain hormones are triggered. So I was ten years old, tall, had boobs and hips, and looked like a woman rather than a preteen child. Looking back at pictures I looked like a supermodel!! But to the other 60lb 4’ tall girls I was FAT! I decided to go on a diet! I thought if 1,200 calories a day would help me lose 2 lbs a week, then 100 calories a day would make me skinny in weeks! It seemed like simple math to me. I subsisted on less than 100 calories a day for nearly a year. I was so weak at the end I could barely walk. I remember being on the beach when it was over 100 degrees. The hot sun pounded down on me, and I was wrapped up in all the beach blankets freezing to death. My family was watching me slowly die but didn’t know what to do. This was before the average person knew what anorexia was and no one knew what to do about it anyway. My father had the cure…he forced me to eat. He literally shoved the food down my throat. I remember making a decision then; I would control the food that went in my mouth…no matter what. My obesity started at that moment.
I ate and ate and ate. I did anything I had to in order to support my habit. I worked part-time jobs. I stole money from family and strangers. I became a master at running various scams at school, against shopkeepers, anything to get money for food. I was a size 16 in Jr. High. Then a size 18 & then a size 20 in High School. That was not even a hint of what was to come.

When I moved out on my own I was able to eat unlimited quantities of food without any repercussions, so I thought. I became so heavy I developed serious foot and knee problems. The fatty pads on my heels tore open and I could barely walk. I wasn’t even 25, and I was walking with a cane. I lived by myself on the third floor of an apartment building. It was all I could do to haul myself up the stairs. Taking up bags of groceries became out of the question. I could no longer clean my apartment either. It became a disaster area. I stood long enough only to do dishes for the current meal. Usually I only cooked cheap pasta dishes out of desperation. I would eat an entire box of pasta for a meal. It wouldn’t even fill me. But I did that only when there were no credit cards to charge on. What I preferred was to call a take out delivery service that would pick up one or two meals at 2 or 3 of my favorite restaurants. They would bring them to me and I would just charge it….easy. They even came with their own bags for the garbage it created…that was why I parked near the garbage dump. I was too heavy to stand after awhile and food just rotted in my apartment. Maggots and cockroaches soon followed. My bathtub developed a clog that wouldn’t clear and the toilet broke. I was too embarrassed to have maintanence come and fix it. After all, I was too fat to clean the apartment. I developed a very smelly foot fungus that ran people from the room. My armpits smelled like sour bread from all the flour & sugar I ate as it decomposed and rotted in my body. My liver could no longer process the toxins out of my body. I didn’t see doctors anymore. I became angry and infuriated every time they suggested the obvious… I should lose weight. Were they stupid….if I could I would. Did they think I was stupid? Did they think I didn’t know I was fat?
Truth be told I had no idea how bad the situation had gotten. If someone snuck a photograph of me I would stare in disbelief and horror. Who was that blob in the photograph. That couldn’t be me. I was disfigured beyond recognition. Where was that pretty but chubby girl of my youth? She was gone, smothered by unlimited quantities of fat and sugar.

Now don’t get the idea I didn’t fight this thing, I did. There were many diets and self-help books. I did Nutri-system for awhile and lost weight. The small portions meant weight loss was a definite. Unfortunately for me the food fed my sugar habit and it was inevitable that I would lose control and binge again. That eventually happened on all my diets. Portion control alone for me was no good. If I ingested any refined or processed sugar, it was only a matter a time before I binged. Once my body had a taste, it was a done deal. Try letting a cokehead have one snort. Or an alcoholic just one drink. Sure, they may be able to last awhile, but eventually the call was just too strong.

I gained every single pound back I ever lost on every diet, and more. The worst part though was that dieting seemed to feed the obsession. Before long my whole day existed only for the nighttime binge bliss. I counted, and binged my way through the day waiting for nighttime when everyone would be asleep. I would hide non-refrigerated foods behind the couch. Refrigerated foods would be hidden in the back of the freezer. If something was too big to hide I would share, but only if I had to. I would by multiples of all my binge foods and hide them around the house. That way if I was caught bingeing on xyz and ate the whole thing I would have more to replace it and cover up my gluttony. I was forever going to different grocery stores to replace the food I had stolen. I was so embarrassed to face the grocery store, convenience stores clerks, and fast food workers everyday buying the same binge foods over and over. What did they think of me? I would try to rotate the stores and restaurants. But there was only so much rotation, especially when I required, NEEDED particular binge foods just to make it through my day. I lived my life in embarrassment. I was shunned and made fun of by total strangers, and even my own loved ones.

The owner of the company I worked for confronted me one day. He said I was too fat to walk up the stairs to do my job anymore. Shortly thereafter I was fired, and deservedly so. I gave up and decided to kill myself, but I chickened out. Instead I moved home with my mother, brother, and niece. I would go to college, stay home with my niece, and get my life together.

It actually worked out that way for awhile. I went on a crash diet and lost a massive amount of weight very quickly. I ate low calorie and low fat. Who cared all the calories I ate were low fat ice cream? I began to binge and purge if I accidentally overdid it. I didn’t want all my hard dieting work ruined. To the outside world I had won. I was finally thin, and I was beautiful. Too bad all my time and energy was devoted to thinking about food. I read cookbooks like novels, waiting for the day I would once again be able to eat. The purging through vomiting and laxatives really worked. I had found the secret all those mean thin people had hidden from me for all those years.

My crash dieting, bingeing and vomiting had unexpected consequences. I had a gut full of tiny gallbladder stones. Tiny ones are bad, real bad. The get stuck in the pancreatic duct. I became violently ill very quickly. By the time I made it to the emergency room the doctors thought it was too late. I was too sick to operate on, but would surely die without surgery. We played the waiting game. Wait till I was going to die anyway, perform surgery, die on the table, bring me back to life. Then do it all again. Three surgeries and three weeks later they had finally removed the stuck gallstone and bad gallbladder. Now I was dying of pancreatitis and jaundice. My poor body had had enough. So had I. I was a compulsive overeater stuck in a hospital and unable to eat or drink anything. Talk about compulsive overeater hell. I wasn’t even allowed ice cubes to comfort my thirst. No smell of food was allowed in my wing for fear the digestive juices would start operating. My internal organs were being digested by the spilled stomach acids. I was a goner anyway and tired of fighting. The doctors thought one more surgery would help. I decided I wasn’t worth it. Leave me alone to die I said. I kicked everyone out of my room. They gave me a private room so I could meet my maker peacefully. I was mightily pissed off at my maker by this time…he could screw off. Where I expected to be comforted by angels, I only heard the wheezing of the many machines keeping me alive. Drugs barely touched the pain, and I was ready for nothingness, or maybe even hell, I didn’t care anymore.
Here’s the kicker, I didn’t die. No one was more shocked than me, except my doctors. I made a miraculous recovery. My specialist told me after the crisis had passed, that he had seen many a patient better off than me die. He said he didn’t think I would leave the hospital for at least 6 months. A week later, he gave me the green light to leave if I promised I would never drink alcohol, or binge eat again. Several weeks after leaving the hospital I was strong enough to drive a car. My first trip was to a local bar for a few drinks while I waited for my take out food to cook. I also made my regular stop to the grocery store for some sorely missed binge foods. I was eating solid again.

I gained every pound I lost back, and more. On my way up I found out about OA. I joined hoping they would cure me. I found wonderful fellowship in the program. Finally people who understood that food was an addiction for me. There wasn’t a lot of recovery in these groups, but understanding. They were an hour away from me so I enjoyed binge eating all the way to and from the meetings. The hour I was in the meeting and the meeting after the meeting gave me great comfort that I was not alone in this. But I was only in my fat suit, very alone. After 31/2 years of eating uncontrollably and gaining weight in OA, I left the program. There was another job I lost due to the severe depression that for me, inevitably occurred when my weight soared close to 400lbs. A failed relationship and another move back home didn’t help. I lived with my co-dependent mother once again who would supply me with my favorite binge foods on one hand, and chastise me for overindulging with the other. She allowed me not to work and to “recover”. My activity level went down even more. My depression worsened. My psychiatric medications went up. I finally lost all hope. I decided to kill myself while walking up the steps. It was a stray thought really. But this part of my brain said, “Do it now before you chicken out”. I gathered all my psychiatric medications. I had just been delivered 3 months worth, including my sleeping pills. Hundreds of pills ingested later, I thought it was finally over. There was one second where I thought; maybe this isn’t a good idea. But then I believed it was too late anyway. I wouldn’t be embarrassed by calling the ambulance and begging for them to help me. I’ll just die and see what lies on the other side, if anything.

I remembered my mom freaking out. “What have you done to me? How will this look?” She had discovered my suicide attempt. There was a hospital stay, a policeman with his nice silver bracelets, and then I was delivered to the local mental institution for an evaluation.
“You are mentally ill, but not insane,” the nice gentle psychiatrist determined. The director of this mental institution just happened to be my own personal psychiatrist! He said, “I know you are not insane, you know you are not insane, but I have the power to keep you here if need be. You can choose to go to intensive outpatient treatment, or I will keep you here as a danger to yourself.” What choice did I have? I chose the outpatient therapy. I think this was the real beginning of recovery for me. It was a small beginning….it would still be a long road from there.

What happened?

About 3 years later I was still the same weight but feeling more sane. I knew I had a problem but I just wasn’t sure what to do about it. I still purchased every weight loss product and book ever made. I purchased the latest Dr. Phil Weight Loss Solution book. I determined it would take 21/2 years to lose the necessary weight. I set about it determined to succeed.

I did well for awhile and lost about 170lbs. The first 100 weren’t even hard. Not eating several thousand calories a day and working for a living did that! But then it started to get hard and I started feeling deprived. I had no support system either, no one who understood what I was going through. I started eating “healthy” desserts. Within weeks I was gaining and gaining big. I saw a doctor during this time and was diagnosed with Fibromylgia. This was good news; it was not lupus, which was what my doctors thought I originally had. Lupus and Fibromylgia are really the same disease but with one important distinction, you will die early with Lupus, but not with Fibromylgia. My doctor told me that I could do things to manage my pain and depression, but that she expected me to live a normal life span. I was shocked. I had thought for a decade I was going to die early, so why bother. Now my back was against the wall. I was going to live a normal life span? Only if I took care of myself. I needed to do something. I did some research on the Fibromylgia and discovered that people who had it and went on wheat free diets suffered less pain. This was a happy accident that will come into play later.

I had a knew job but the job provided free lunches everyday….and I was in charge of handling the food. I was a coe/fa out of control and in charge of food for 15 people. I gained weight back up to 333lbs. I didn’t know what to do. Two things happened back to back that helped me greatly.

First, I found a book written by a food addict. It was the best book I had ever read on food addiction and she had a specific diet she said all food addicts should follow. The diet was too strict for me I thought. But it was the first time I ever heard anyone say that wheat & flour was a problem for people. I knew about the sugar, but wheat and food addiction. This might help my Fibromylgia I thought. Maybe the two were connected? While I just couldn’t bring myself to work her diet, I gained great comfort from her addiction model.
The same day I bought this book I was listening to the Howard Stern show. He was interviewing a comedian who had her own reality show. Her husband was a big part of the show and he had lost over 100lbs between seasons. Howard wanted to know how? The comedian said her husband was now a member of OA. OA?? I remember them….it seemed like a distant memory. I remembered enough to know this woman had just broken his anonymity. I also knew I had some old OA literature downstairs in the basement. Maybe OA could help me.

I went to www.oa.org to find a local meeting. I was shocked to discover OA no longer had a presence in my community. My God, what do I do now??? Thank God I found these OA meetings online. I went to my first meeting that day…it was June 17, 2006. I will never forget it. I didn’t know how the online meetings worked but I was desperate to recover. I was willing to do absolutely anything to recover. I could no longer weigh 333 lbs or more. I could no longer live a slow death anymore. I wanted to live, and I wanted to live well.

I shared at my first meeting that I needed a sponsor. I knew that was something I had never done right in my previous OA excursion.

An angel must have been watching out for me that day. A wonderful woman sent me an instant message saying she had an opening for a sponsee. She asked me some questions, I guessed I answered them right. That was my first day of abstinence, that was the day I got a sponsor, that was the beginning of the rest of my life. I was born April 16, 1967. My life began on June 17, 2006. It was the day of my rebirth.

My sponsor was gentle but also demanding. She wanted me to email my food to her everyday. I couldn’t even manage to brush my teeth everyday. After awhile (I think she knew she had to break me in slowly) she asked me to call her on the phone. Apparently she didn’t realize my phone weighted 500lbs. It was a difficult thing to do. But I had a healthy fear this woman would fire me so I did it. I remember thinking at the end of our conversation I was glad that was over with. Then she sprung it on me that I needed to call her every week. I didn’t want to, but I wanted to recover, so I did it.
I went to meetings online every single day! On weekends I went to every meeting available during my waking hours. I read the OA literature, and I did the step work my sponsor sent me. I’m not saying I didn’t procrastinate, I did. But my sponsor would always ask me this nagging question, “How is your step work coming”? She was gentle, but prodding. It was the exact right approach for this people pleasing procrastinator.

I went to face to face AA meetings since OA was not available in my area. I’m grateful for this opportunity to attend strong meetings with lots of recovery. I eventually started my own OA meetings. Then someone else started an OA meeting. While technically I am an alcoholic and drug addict, my real drug of choice was always food so I started to attend OA meetings primarily.

My life changed, and it changed dramatically. I realized, looking back at an old OA workbook I had, that I had never really taken step 1. I knew I had a problem with food, but I didn’t believe I was powerless. I thought that if I ever had control over food, then I wasn’t powerless. If I dieted successfully for even one day, then I did have power over food. Besides, if I was truly powerless, that meant I had no control over food. So I could binge at will. That meant my whole program was faulty from the beginning, I never had a chance. I read something that really helped me with this. This woman said I was powerless over what my drug, food, did to me once I ingested it. That was a totally different story. I wasn’t powerless over whether I took that first compulsive bite….I was only powerless over what that bite would do to me when it was inside my body. Powerful hormones and chemicals took over and from there I had no control over what happened. My mind would go to obsessive places fueled by these hormones and chemicals. Once I ingested my drug of choice, I was truly powerless. Knowledge is power, now I had the knowledge that would help me move towards step 2.

When I came into program I believed in God, and I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with God. I would go off on angry tirades every time someone at a meeting mentioned how good or great their God was. My sponsor was gentle and helped me work step 2. Step 2 saved my butt. Finding a HP that worked for me and wanted me abstinent made this program work for me. At first I had only hope. Then I gradually gained the most miniscule amount of faith. That faith grew and blossomed. Now I have faith that moves mountains. I have my sponsor to thank for that.

Once I had a HP I had a decision to make, to turn my will and life over to my HP as I knew Her. I knew once I made this decision there was no turning back. The BB says that once we take this step we cannot fail to recover. I know that is because it is never ever my HP’s will for me to live in an obsessed, self-obsessed, drugged up, strung out, self-imposed stupor. Never. My Hp cannot have me do Her Will, if I am in a food coma. It is my Hp’s will that I do Her Will, and that means I have to show up for life. I cannot show up for life if I am in the food. Once I truly take step 3, I will recover, period, end of statement. Dramatic pause.

What is it like now?:
Today I have a Higher Power that gives me strength. Now I get up for work in the morning, and I am happy for the opportunity. I don’t go to bed dreading the next day. I don’t live every second of my life in fear of I know not what. I have a balanced checkbook, and I live within my means. I face challenges head on. I love myself, I love the person I have become, and that I am becoming. I have confidence in myself. I almost never miss work because I am sick. I give myself in service, and I’m glad for the opportunity. I am making friends. I am nice to my family, co-workers, and the stranger on the street. I have more patience and love to give. I am learning to receive graciously. I am walking into situations and doing things I dared not dream of. I have lost weight….a lot of weight. I’ve become brave. Notice that the weight loss, while significant, is almost last on my list. It is a great gift of working this program, but it is not the point of the program. The point of the program, I believe, is to connect to your Higher Power. I believe, in fact, that is the point of life. This from the girl who hated God. If that doesn’t demonstrate the change that has occurred in me, I don’t know what will. I believe abstinence is a gift from my Higher Power. I believe my gift to the world and to my Higher Power is to be abstinent. I’m an addict, and by nature, very selfish. So now I ask something from you. I ask you to give me a gift. I ask that, for the rest of this day, you be abstinent. Thank you for listening.

This is a share from one of my recovery loops. I started out answering questions and then it morphed into what you see. I put the questions in green and in quotes. The questions were from a recovery loop at www.therecoverygroup.org.
My name is Amy, I am a compulsive overeater and food addict (and multiply addicted). I am gratefully abstinent & in recovery today.
"Which chapter of the Big Book is your favorite?"
The chapter to the agnostic. I have a very logical brain. That logical brain ironically made me act like an insane person. I need to let go and let God. This chapter helps me when I am struggling with that. This chapter also saved my life....as when I came back to OA, I was very angry at God. I needed this chapter to help me see, logically, that I needed a power greater than myself in my life, and to help me develop one I could live with.
"Did you struggle before or after you joined Overeater's Anonymous, or both?"
The first time I joined OA I struggled whilst in the program. I struggled bad. Probably because I never followed any of the suggestions in the BB or bothered much with the idea of a sponsor or abstinence. I used OA as a social club. I liked being with people who understood the power food had over me. I was very careful to stay away from those who were abstinent however. I only hung with the bingers. Meetings were also an excuse to get out of the house so I could binge all the way to and from meetings (they were an hour away).
My second time around in OA (and several years later, hundreds of added pounds later, many less friends later) I was desperate enough to do as I was told. I found TRG online....got a sponsor that day, and became abstinent. I have been abstinent ever since. Yes, I have struggled. But the struggle is not the same. More like I wrestle with my defects of character rather than food. I made the decision that first day not to wrestle with food anymore. I listed my binge foods, and now I no longer eat them. I may think of them from time to time (although less and less) but I won't have them. They are no longer for me. They are poison. I would not drink battery acid, nor will I eat xyz. I sometimes realize after the fact that I have had to much volume....but I view that as a learning experience. My body is still trying to figure out normal for me. I consider my abstinence staying away from my binge foods. Eating toomuch volume of healthy foods (like salad) is something to be tackled another time....in HP's time. There is no hurry, I plan on being around awhile. I have lost weight every month in OA....so I know I am on the right track. Although I do measure foods that are dense in calories or fat. I don't struggle like some do. But I also attend meetings online or f2f everyday, utilize my sponsor, write, read literature, and follow my food plan every single day. I do the work necessary to be abstinent and to recover. That has made all the difference.
"Do you always follow the "suggestions" in the Big Book and from your sponsor - what are the reprecussions if you don't?"
I follow the suggestions of the BB and my sponsor....just usually not right away. It is as if the rebellious coe in me needs some time to make sure I really "need" them. I guess I need pain before I am willing to do what is right. Pain is the consequence of ignoring my sponsor and the BB.
I think it was last week we talked about favorite songs as they relate to recovery. I wanted to share this with you. I wanted to chime in on a movie I saw recently that I just loved. It will sound stupid to some because it is based on a cartoon character. But I think it has deeper meaning. It was the Spiderman 3 movie. We all know the sweet,thoughtful, loving, gentle character of Peter Parker. In the movie he was having a hard time with his career, his girl, hisfriendships....everything was going wrong. It seemed to come out of the blue. Maybe he could have handled one or two things....but everything hit him at one time. An "alien" substance (read drug of choice, aptly named "venom") started to infect him. At first it seemed harmless in that it apparently gave him great power, confidence, fearlessness. It also seemed to have no long term consequences, at first. Soon this sweet man began to do things that seemed to be out of character to him and those around him. His confidence became cockiness and selfishness. His fearlessness,foolishness. He became mean and bitter, lashing out at innocents, and being even crueler to those he said he loved the most. He became vulgar and crude and didn't seem to notice that those around him were repulsed by him, rather than attracted to him. He started hanging around people of low character. He increasingly needed more and more of the alien presence (drug of choice). Finally he did the unthinkable and hit the woman he loved and desired. He realized with horror that he had become someone he was not....and yet he was. All those horrible defects of character were in him. They were a part of him. This alien (doc - drug of choice) just brought out and magnified those parts of his character. He lost himself, to himself, within himself....helped by the alien/doc. He became something dark, pathetic, sinister, selfish, evil. And worse HE had done it, willingly, and had enjoyed most of the ride. It took a great act of will and luck (read HP's intervention) in order for him to get out of the mess he put himself into. It took heroics and discipline. He even had to help others who were also in the same mess (his friend...the green goblin, who had also started out good and then turned to evil). He had to do the right thing (save the woman he loved) while giving up the outcome (she may still never go back to him). This was me. I was a bright and shining light of God, a good woman/girl, who let my doc change me into something I was, and wasn't. It was who I was, for nearly 3 decades. And yet, it wasn't who my HP wanted me to be. It was me, distorted and broken, my character shattered into a thousand pieces like glass. And I had put the picture back together as best I could. But with my view of life being so distorted, what kind of job could I do?? I needed the intervention of my HP to see the real picture, and help me piece my life back together the right way. It took time and effort. Damn near heroics on my part. I had to do it despite the fear I felt, the dread over the outcome, the pain of being cut by those sharp jagged edges. But I followed the 12 steps and slowly but surely, the real me began to emerge. I was a good woman who walked the path of evil, despair, heartache and shame. My character defects magnified by my doc, was a horrible thing to witness, and worse to live. All the better to show others how well this new way of life works for me.
Here is the part of the movie that really got me. If you haven't seen it....this is a spoiler, but it speaks volumes to me.
Here his friend, the green goblin, who has walked the same path as him, dies. Yet Peter Parker/spiderman lives. Is this luck? HP's plan? Did green goblin just walk the path of darkness a moment to long? Did he not rejoin the human race soon enough. I don't know. I suspect neither does Peter Parker.
I used to weigh 450lbs. I was morbidly obese most of my adult life. I almost died because of my severe eating disorders. I was anorexic (way back before it was "fashionable". I was bulimic to the point were I lost my gag reflex and had to use syrup of ipecac to vomit. I have abused laxatives, diuretics, and speed to the point of near death. I ruined my gallbladder and nearly killed my pancreas and liver. I ruined my poor knees due to all the excess weight I carried. I ruined my metabolism. I lost all my lovers, most of my friends, even most of my family. I have lost most of my jobs due to my morbid obesity or the complications thereof. I lost a promising psychiatric career (physician, heal thyself). I have lost almost everything, so many times, most people just gave up onme. My father said to me not 6 months ago this was all for naught as surely, I would die anyway (of this disease). I even gave up on myself in a desperate moment when I tried to kill myself. And I'm not talking about a cry for help here....I wanted the pain of living over, finito, end of story.
Yet here I am. I look around and my life is better than I could ever imagine. I am not where my fellow earth travelers are. How could I be? I just awoke from a 30 year drug induced slumber. They all moved on. They have families of their own, careers, new friends, homes andmortgages, they quite simply have different lives than I could ever have.
My life is different. Yet I don't feel left behind really, so much as I feel grateful to just have the opportunity to be alive. I'm here, and I have no earthly right to be. It is by the grace of my HP, by the grace of His/Her mercy. I believe I am here for a reason. What other explanation could there be for my still being alive after all I have been through? This turnaround is not of my doing. My doing would would have me 6 ft under, long ago.
I look around and I see others, who did not do as bad a job with their lives as I did with mine. They didn't seem to go too far down the dark road to me. Yet they are not here. They lost their lives to this disease. I watch others go down that packed, yet lonely road...and I am helpless to stop them. I cannot force them to turn around, the decision must be theirs.
So here I am....watching friends die from this disease. Grateful to not be them, powerless to stop them from making deadly choices. Knowing the pain they are in. All I can do is to make the next right decision. First things first. Maybe by my example more lives will be saved. I do what I can, where I can, all the while knowing I am only responsible for me.
I know how the character of Peter Parker felt watching his friend die. Knowing all the while it could have been him. SHOULD have been him. Why am I so lucky? Why am I alive? What made the difference.
The only conclusion I have come to is that I will never know. It is a passing thought as I live my life today. The only thing I know is that it gives me a great and sober RESPONSIBILITY to act soberly and to beabstinent. To be a sponsor. To be abstinent. To work the 12 step program to the best of my ability. To be abstinent. To be abstinent. To be abstinent. "With great power, comes great responsibility." I need to be abstinent today. It is the greatest service I can give to those who still suffer.
Here are the words to another song that speaks to me about my recovery (it's not the whole song) ....
Superman by Five for Fighting
I can't stand to flyI'm not that naiveI'm just out to findthe better part of meI'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, more than some pretty face beside a trainand it's not easy to be me
I wish that I could cryfall upon my kneesfound a way to lieabout a home I'll never seeit may sound absurdbut don't be naiveeven heroes have the right to bleedI may be disturbedbut won't you concedeeven heroes have the right to dreamand it's not easy to be me
I'm only a man in a phony red sheetlooking for special things inside of meand it's not easy to be me
Now you may think....does she think she is a superhero or something. Some kind of complex here...get her on the couch immediately....where is Freud when we need him?
But understand, in my life, in my world, today I AM a superhero. I AM fighting the good fight. Sometimes the struggle is easy, sometimes it seems to take Herculean efforts. Sometimes I may fail, other times I win the day. But all in all, I am fighting the GOOD fight, and despite losing an occasional battle I am WINNING! I have powerful allies. My mother, who has never ever left my side despite all that I have put her through. My brothers who have loved me even when I was totally unlovable and didn't deserve their care and kindness. I have the most powerful allies in the rooms of OA. Even when strength of recovery is hard to find I have these allies in literature. My most powerful ally is my sponsor....now she IS a superhero. I learn from her example, she is teaching me to fly, she is teaching me to be free. I am not her, I am different. But I want to be very much like her. Maybe my superhero costume will resemble...but be different than hers. Same colors, different take?? Uniquely mine.
I meet superheros in my f2f meetings. Some have the gift of spirituality if not abstinence. Some I feel a kinship with. Some, I don't like so much, but I admire qualities in them. Some are disturbingly and eerily similar in to me in our experiences/tastes/likes & dislikes. Totally different on the outside, same insides and experiences. Like looking in a mirror, image is completely different, and yet exactly the same. I would not want to go into battle without any of these allies. Yet sometimes I have to. I give my will to my HP. I fight the fight today, even if I have to go it alone. I am lucky though. So far, just in the nick of time, when I think it is all over and I have lost the day, there is one of my superhero allies, come from out of the blue, ready to help me. I thought I was alone, I was going to die in that moment, by myself. But here is one of my brethren. How did they know that I needed them right in this exact moment? Thank you Hp. Thank you fellow OA'er for listening.
I am a superhero today because I am abstinent. Today, I guarantee you, you are a superhero to SOMEONE! We have a responsibility, us superhero's. We need to do the next right thing. When we mess up we don't have the luxury of sitting around and wondering and wallowing in the why. We have to pick ourselves up, stop the bleeding, and keep moving forward. We have to take that next step. We are in a battle alright. We are in a battle to save our lives, and those of our fellow sufferers. To extend the heart and hand of OA, for this, we are responsible. For this, I AM responsible. You have my first name, because I exist, I need a name, to be called something. But you don't have my last name, because we superheroes, we have to be anonymous. It makes it easier for us to do our jobs. Today I saved a life, mine. Please save yours. I need you in this battle.
Superhero name: Reignfyre
Mild mannered real life name: Amy
Height 5'11"
Former weight Appox 430-450lbs
Current weight 195.2 lbs
Date of Abstinence 6/17/06
What is your date of abstinence?

That first bite is just as dangerous to me as jumping off the roof of a skyscraper or stepping in front of a moving train!!

Here is my step 7 prayer........

I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. I humbly ask you to remove my shortcomings. Where I have the desire to control, I ask that you replace it with the willingness to let go and let God. Where I have high expectations of myself and others, I ask you to replace it with acceptance. Where I wrongfully depend on others for my self-esteem I ask you to replace it with dependency on you. Where I desire to people please I ask you to replace it with a desire to be true to myself. Where I condemn myself, please replace it with self-acceptance. Where I have lack of trust in You, I beg you to replace it with Faith. Where I lack acceptance, let me accept. Where I expect perfectionism, let me be accepting and tolerant. Where I am selfish, let me be generous and allow freedom of spirit. Where I lack boundaries, let me demonstrate healthy boundaries. Where I manipulate, let me accept and let go and let God. Where I am jealous and envious, let me be loving, accepting, and demonstrate generosity of spirit. Where I am dishonest, replace it with honesty. Where I fear abandonment, replace it with Faith. Where I lack tolerance, replace it with acceptance, and a loving generosity of spirit. Where I am not living in the present, let me enjoy and dwell in the moment. Where I isolate and withhold, let me live in the spirit of fellowship. Where I judge and criticize, let me be loving and accepting. Where I show self-importance let me be self-accepting and humble. Where I am impatient, let me be patient. Where I fear intimacy and lack trust let me be faithful and open. Where I demonstrate fear and lack of courage let me be courageous and show Faith. Where I am self-seeking, let me be trustful of You. Where I have false pride, let me be humble and accepting. Where I am in denial, let me be honest. Where I am greedy and gluttonous, let me be generous. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.

This is a response to my sponsee regarding fear of taking step 3. I thought it was important to post because sometimes....I fail to take my own advice!! And I need it!!

You are right to take step 3 so seriously. In the OA 12 & 12 it says once we take step 3.....we cannot fail to recover. That is because once we truly put ourselves in our HP's hand....we WILL cease to eat compulsively, eat harmful foods, overeat, etc. That is because it is NEVER our HP's Will that we harm ourselves, or others.
That doesn't mean we won't occasionally make errors in judgment. We are human...we our not God. We WILL make mistakes. We WILL take our will back occasionally. But the big picture is that we will recover if we continually give our will over to our Higher Power.
Do you know the original definition of sin?? It is not to violate God....which is not even possible. "Sin" is an archery term taken over by religion. It means "to miss the mark". That is how I view my recovery. I AM in recovery. Occasionally I will "miss the mark", make an error in judgment, a mistake. My job as a woman in recovery is not to be perfect and never make an error....it is to recognize when I DO make an error (which is inevitable...so why worry about it!), and then correct my thinking as quickly as possible. As time continues I become better and better at recognizing my errors, correcting them better, and even become quicker at doing so. Sometimes I recognize that I am about to make an error in judgment and turn towards my HP BEFORE I make the error. This is great cause for celebration as it is growth. But I do not cover this remarkable achievement with the mistaken belief that I will never sin or miss the mark again. I will, but I have the map to find my way back to my HP. What do I need perfection for when I have the guaranteed safety of the map that shows the steps back to my HP? I am safe and free to explore this world in any way I want. I can always find my way back. Of course if I take a path in the brambles I may show up a little worse for wear....but it is my CHOICE to make any error I please. My HP will always be waiting for me....my HP does not move, my HP does not hide, my HP wants me always to be safe, loved, happy, whole, and at peace. My HP will do anything possible within the boundaries of the laws of this Universe (which she designed) to lead me back home. In fact, I cannot but find the way home. The only choice I have is how long and painful the journey will be.
How long and how painful will your journey be??
Hugs,
Amy

Today was weigh day. Here is where I am at. 5'11" and 195.2 lbs & 36.5% body fat. Yes, I lost 5 lbs from last month. I must say I am a little dissapointed. Everyone the past few weeks has been commenting on how I look like I lost weight every time they saw me. I wasn't feeling big loss (I can usually feel it) but I have been working out a lot so I thought, "hey, everyone else sees it so it must be true". So I was hoping for 190 & was a little dissapointed at 195. Of course, I have changed the shape of my body a lot through working out and put on muscle which is good. And 5 lbs a month is very good for this stage of weight loss for me so I need to get over it. But this brings up the reason I decided to blog today....resentments. I am feeling a lot of resentments. And the Big Book says resentments are the #1 offender so I am going to do a 5th step with this blog and share with myself, another human being (your human out there....right?) and God the exact nature of my wrongs. Here is my list of current resentments:
my mother (I am feeling smothered by her)
my mother & father (who seem to have everything they want while I seriously financially struggle)
my job (I am not getting enough time off)
Tina & Vicki at work (who abused taking time off & now every minute is being counted for them....and me!)
my weight & excess skin (I'm done with you....go away already)
money (I want more please! I need a car so I can go to recovery places & the yoga ashram....I want to go places and I need a reliable car that is mine to do them in)
me (why can't you get me more money!)
My OA brethern (why can't you be more faithful & attend meetings??? I get scared when you don't show up. I will die without meetings and meetings need people who regularly attend. I need you to get it together and commit to recovery and meetings. Also, service keeps you going. I know....I do a lot of it. I would like you to chip in too!)

OK....I think that is enough resentment today. I see a lot of fear in there too. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of losing OA and my OA friends. Fear of not being able to do the things I want to do in life.

Gotta go to work now. Another day, another $100.