Wanted to catch everyone up. I have had an exciting month and been a little overwhelmed and really needed to blog more. Then I feel like, I have to much to say so it's easier to say nothing. But that is perfectionistic thinking so screw it....I'll be gloriously imperfect!

I had 4 milestones happen in 4 days. April 16th was my 40th birthday!! Not bad for a girl who was told she would die at 32! A couple of days before that I celebrated by going to Busch Gardens! This was a celebration because it has been a long time since I could fit into rides at amusement parks. Also it was a big test for me, as I would be confronted with a big binge trigger (amusement parks) in combination with being with my mother (who....despite protestations, is also a coe). So that was a hurdle. Also, May 17th was 10 months abstinent for me! Wahooooo! May 15th was the day I finished giving away my 4th&5th step! Yes, it has been very eventful.

I also have a packed schedule coming up. My brother and sister-in-law & 2 nieces are visiting for half a month in May. Also I need to get ready for a trip to Canada in June where I will be meeting my sponsor face 2 face and attending a year anniversary celebration of my abstinence. I think this was my sponsors idea to keep me abstinent until then! LOL!

I haven't had any trouble with abstinence as far as staying away from my binge foods. But I have been plagued with food dreams lately. Even foods I didn't particularly care for. My disease really is out to get me. Fortunately I have powerful allies online and in my f2f meetings and in my sponsor.

I really do want to write more on each of these events and hope I don't forget but I am tired! So I will leave this so I remember to write on it later. Remind me, OK?

Amy

Hi everyone! My name is Amy. I am a coe & fa and very gratefully
abstinent & in recovery today.
I am disturbed this morning, off kilter. That is the best description I
can find for the emotion I am feeling. Understand I am abstinent only 10+
months from almost 3 decades of deep food addiction so I am just learning
about my emotions.
Also know that my top weight was somewhere between 425-450lbs. I was at
or around 350-400 most of my adult life. Currently I am just under 200lbs
(I am 5'11" female). I have lost almost 150 lbs since joining OA and 100
previous to that. So this is a big change for me....BIG! I have lived
most of my life eating supersize and as a result I was a supersized woman.
Lately I have been watching a lot of programs on television regarding
obesity/weight & food addiction. I want to because I want to learn about
this disease lest I ever forget how cunning, baffling, and powerful it is.
Also I want to help others (which will help myself). It also helps keep
me abstinent. Last night I watched a program I had taped (I think it was
on the Learning Channel) called The Brookhaven Clinic and Obesity or
something to that effect. It featured 4 supersize people. The female
actually weighed 100lbs less than me at my top weight! (She must have been
a lot shorter than me). Anyway I was watching this show and listening to
the brave director of this hospital fighting for peoples lives against an
insidious addiction. The worst part of it is seeing the fight and knowing
why they are failing. There is no mention of OA. I just don't see how a
coe/fa can recover long term without OA. It's hard enough to recover WITH
OA! So, I'm seeing how these people have completely reverted into being
babies. They are laying there with rolls of fat in bed (3 were non-mobile
because they were so heavy....several hundred pounds). They had to be fed
(someone had to bring them food), they couldn't go to the bathroom. They
needed to be changed, wiped, etc. They didn't even wear clothes despite
having some that fit. They just laid there waiting for others to attend
to their needs. Expecting the whole world to change and cater to their
existence. They are being provided hospital care with facilities that can
cater to their large size and yet, were not taking advantage of the
facilities. The woman wanted bypass surgery because she had given up
trying to control her food intake (she & others were not eating the
provided diet by the hospital but getting takeout for meals). The
hospital director was against her getting the bypass because she still
couldn't control her food addiction. Also for someone her size the chance
of death is high. Even if she lived the rate of complications for this
surgery are enormous. Of course most people gain the weight back anyway!
So he just didn't see risking her life for nothing. She was adamant that
she would leave the hospital if she had to in order to obtain the surgery
(she said this while eating a sand which that must have contained more
than twice her daily needed caloric intake). She basically said she
couldn't control herself and needed something outside of her to do it for
her.
There was another man and I recognized him....he too was several hundred
pounds. I just couldn't think of where I knew him from. Then the
mentioned it. He was a Richard Simmons devotee who had lost ALL his
weight! I used to dance to the oldies with him. He had weighed several
hundred pounds, lost the weight.....kept his goal weight for one week,
then gained it all back!
He ended up being CUT OUT OF HIS HOUSE!!! Then he lost some
weight....gained it back again. Then finally he got into this hospital.
He was in such pain...he thought he had bone cancer. Turned out he
didn't have enough vitamin D in his system.....all this agony he was in
because he had a vitamin D deficiency. The narrator said that this
deficiency is unheard of in the U.S. except in the case of the morbidly
obese....who can't get outside. You see, sunlight is necessary in a
normal body to make vitamin D. These people were prisoners of their own
body.
We watched another man almost die choking on his own fat suffocating his
throat and lungs.
So I am watching this and I see that:
1) I WAS these people. I remember a co-worker walking by me once as I sat
on the floor sorting product. She said I looked like a happy fat baby!
It really hurt my feelings at the time (obviously....I still remember
it-need to give away that resentment. Guess I'm giving it to all of you).
But I just realized how selfish a life I lived as a super obese person.
Expecting everyone to care for my needs and make me happy. I was so lazy
I would expect others to bring me my binge foods & drink. I wanted them
to go buy them so I could stay with my fat butt parked in my supersized
sofa chair and watch television and NOT participate in life. Yes, I was
in agony....it hurts to be 300lbs overweight. But I wasn't going to lose
it by just laying there. It astounds me how I let it ever get that bad in
the first place. It astounds me that people catered to my needs!!!! They
were NOT helping me. They were enabling me. They were helping me to die.
2) I see the people in this hospital are not helping by enabling these
people. Why should they have access to foods that will hurt them? Sure,
you can't stop them from eating take out. But don't allow it in that wing
of the hospital. If they want it that bad make them go and get it! Then
point out if they can get the food they can bathe themselves, etc. It
just seems like a lot of catering to their needs which keeps them in the
disease.
3) Where is OA??? There should be a mandatory meeting everyday as well as
individual and group therapy. I don't get it.
4) I KNOW how hard it is to lose weight. I also see how much harder it is
to keep it off. This terrifies me.
I guess I am realizing just how difficult this disease is and that
frightens me to no end. I am doing really well, abstinent and losing
weight. Working the steps too. The food doesn't have the hold over me it
once did but I am so scared of the future. I don't want to be overweight
anymore. But I remember how easy it is too give in to the food and not
care about myself anymore once I take that sugar bite. It's like it takes
away my brain & soul and just leaves that baby body that
wants...wants....wants! I need, need, need. More, more, more. It just
leaves desire. Then it causes pain which means I need more of *more* to
squash it. It's such a hard cycle to break. I'm one of the lucky ones,
I've broken it. But going back to that...I know it's easy. I've done it
before too. I was never abstinent and lost the weight. On the contrary,
I white knuckled diets, used drugs, laxatives, and vomited after binges.
So yes, I've lost weight, but I've never been "abstinent" and lost weight
before. I've never really worked the steps before and utilized a sponsor.
I certainly never made phone calls. I've lived around the program, but
not lived IN it. So yes, there is hope...I know. But there is also fear
and frustration. Frustration that I have pounds of excess skin to deal
with....still more weight to lose. Fear that I could one day give in to
the food. So while I am very hopeful for my life I NEED to share my fears
too. My head is a dangerous place to live by myself.
Thanks for listening....really, thanks,
Amy

Had another disturbing binge dream last night. The reason behind the dream (I believe) is that I am not over 10 months abstinent & I just spent money I don't have booking a flight to visit my sponsor in Canada to celebrate my year anniversary. So in my dream I was before the fridge & cupboard eating a definite binge food and planning on eating a lot more. I was thinking, "is there any way this can be a slip and not a break in abstinence?" And the answer was NO! This is a definate break (as I pooled the pudding out of a pastry with my fingers). God! I so want my year and I had no binge feelings but I guess this is my disease trying to get at me via fear. I feel better just having shared this dream.

I have some more slogans to add!

F.A.I.T.H. - Feeling An Inner Trust in Him/Her

F.E.A.R. - Forgetting Everything is All Right

More meeting and less eating!