Reignfyre Recovery

A record of a womans recovery throught addiction. Primarily food addiction using the 12 steps of OA (Overeaters Anonymous). Also includes recovery from sex and love, drug and alcohol addiction.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Hello!

Wanted to share some program sayings with you! The slogans are important in my recovery because they are simple. Some people think they are simplistic. But I find that as an addict....I like to make everything extrodinarily complicated. Complications & chaos are good ways to get lost in my mind....and a good excuse to let the disease take over. Simple is better!

If you do not plan to succeed....you are planning to fail!! (Especially true of your food plan if you are a compulsive overeater or food addict!)
FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real!
I am an ego maniac with an inferiority complex!
Resentment is like taking poison & expecting the other person to die!
God doesn't make junk!
The most sober/abstinent person today is the one who got up first!
If I'm listening to myself I am getting really bad advice.
Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less often.
My mind is out to get me.
First things first.
Take it easy.
One day at a time.
You've got to give time, time!
Insanity: Doing the same thing over & over expecting different results.
Don't forget to practice HALTS: Don't allow yourself to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired or Stressed.
A coincidence is God performing a miracle anonymously.
EGO: Easing God Out
SLIP: Sobriety Losing It's Priority
Let go and let God.
You can't, God can, let Him.
Addiction: physical allergy + mental obsession
Slippery people & slippery places lead to slips!
Keep coming back!
The program works if you work it!
Meeting makers make it!
Have an attitude of gratitude!
God is the solution, but you still have to row to shore!
I came. I came to. I came to believe.
Yesterday is history. Tommorow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
It's a lot easier to STAY abstinent/sober than to GET abstinent/sober.
HOW? Honesty, Open-mindedness, willingness.
When you pray just talk to God. When you meditate just listen.
Courage is fear that has said it's prayers.
You're best thinking got you here.
The most important amends are those that you need to make to yourself.
It took every drink/bite to get you here.
Fake it till you make it.
Procrastination is low intesity, chronic fear.
Live life on life's terms.
God may give you the seeds but you have to plant them yourself.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Don't compare your insides to other peoples outsides.
What other people think (of me ) is none of my business.
There are no victims, just volunteers.
Wherever you go, there you are.
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
The program is simple, not easy.
You attract what you are.
Keep it simple.
This too shall pass.
Stinking thinking leads to eating/drinking.
You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
You have to give it away to keep it.
What you think is what you become.
Change is a process, not an event.
Progress, not perfection.
As long as you can stay abstinent/sober, God can talk to you.
Principles before personalities.
Easy does it, but do it!
You can't change the world, ony yourself.
God wasn't lost, I was.
Come to meetings to see what happens when people don't come to meetings.
Mean what you say, say what you mean, and don't say it mean.
Everything I do is a step towards recovery, or a step towards relapse.
TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More!
Food filled the hole until I became whole.
When I point my finger at someone else there are 3 fingers pointing back at me.
Don't leave before the miracle.
Bring the body & the mind will follow.
"No" is a complete sentence.
Feelings aren't facts.
You are only as sick as your secrets.
My sanity is inversely proportional to my expectations.
My drug of choice is MORE!
Anything you put before your abstinence....you will lose!
I'm a very persuasive person, I can convince myself of anything.
My mind is a very dangerous place to be.
Willingness is the key to acceptance.
I need to get out of my own way.
Do the next right thing.
Share it or wear it.
God speaks through other people.
You can start your day over at any time.
Here is one I read in a book called "Denial is not a river in Egypt" by Sandi Bachom. It is one I never heard before but described me perfectly.
"The [addicts] compulsion to have everything done right this minute is usually balanced by a rare talent for procrastination." I changed alcoholic to addict.
Most of these sayings (I'm sure) are in this book & another I have "My mind out to get me" from Hazelden. Although some might not be or may be worded differently. I put program slogans on my screen saver at work so I see slogans all day long. It is amazing how it helps me. There is another place I hear slogans all the time......meetings!! After all, meeting makers make it!
Have a blessed/abstinent/sober day!
Amy


Thursday, September 21, 2006

A Lesson In Problem Solving

I need to vent!!! So here I am! Sharing with all of you! (There's got to be at least 2 of you....right?) It was regarding statements made after a meeting. Someone who thinks for some reason I will never understand that they seem to be the authority on OA. I believe this person thinks that because they are a part of a certain organization (which anybody can be a part of) that they know more than others. It is ironic that this knowledgeble person is always around to comment on what others say to newcomers & yet is noticeably absent when newcomers have questions. Very irritating. Particularly irritating when this person happens to be wrong!! This wasn't regarding an opinion issue (such as what constitutes "abstinence") but on an issue regarding meeting protocol, which happens to be written in black & white.....(ok....blue & a type of cream but you get the idea!) Anyway....they make a smart ass remark & I keep my mouth shut because I happen to not remember exactly where the proof is (ok, this is my old law training taking over).....so anyway, what do I do? I go & find (after the fact) exactly where this was stated & read it & yup....sure enough, I was right. Right there (tradition ten implementation in fact....example & everything) and then what did I do with that info? Well I logged back in to where these two were & yes....1/2 hr after the fact I was going to say....."Oh, by the way....if you go to lines 5-10 under section so and so there is where it says that!! HaHa!! " And would that have been the grown up recovery way of handling the situation........uh.....NO! So I quickly X'd out of the screen. How did I handle it?? Well, I'm here venting because I am pissed off! Need to honestly acknowledge that emotion & deal with it (not throw pink paint on it & pretend it doesn't exist....might as well eat if that's how I would handle it!) Secondly, I gave it to my HP jar. That's a jar that sits on my desk (so I see it everyday). When I have a problem that I have done everything I can do about it & requires nothing more from me but I am still stressed over it, I write it down & give it to my HP...then I forget about it. Third, I wrote this down on my step 4 resentment list (hey guys, you made my first entry!! This time around anyway!) Fourth, (should have been first!) I prayed about it. I found that I was very grateful to my HP for giving me so many tools to deal with my problems & anxities. I am also grateful for these "miniscule" resentments so that I learn how to work a better program. (It is good practice for when the biggies come, and they will!) Also it got me immediately started on my fourth step (I just got this from my sponsor today). So all in all, a really good time as I am learning and growing. I know there were always be people who need to make others feel little so they can feel big...sometimes I am one of those people!! But I no longer feel little, because I am working a good program. And that gives me healthy self-esteem & pride as opposed to "ego" pride. I feel much better now. I see that I was angry because I didn't have "the proof" immediately and felt I was unable to stick up for myself until I did. That anger was compounded when long after the incident I did indeed find the proof I wanted (which just made me feel worse....like I missed my opportunity to show them). Also there is the fact that they may not have been referring to me at all in their comments (that magnifying glass I have in my brain could have misread the situation after all) . But this all shows growth. Rather than reacting in anger (and having to make amends) I have done the things I needed to do to grow into a better person...progress, not perfection. As for the two making comments (and who knows if they were referring to me) it doesn't matter. It is none of my business what other people think of me. When it comes to what people think my responsibility ends where my bony cranium does. Outside of my body, I have no control. I give that to HP and allow others to do as they wish. Ahhhhhhhhhhh....now I am at peace. I feel whole again and have no holes to fill with any of my drugs. This really is how program works. First you learn to apply the 12 steps & traditions in the rooms, and then extend it outwards. As far as "teaching" someone something....also not my job. I will always extend the hand & heart of OA/AA by sharing my experience, strength & hope to those who care to listen. To those who don't, they need to find their own way. I did a 12 step reach out today & reached out to a newcomer noone else bothered to talk to. I kept my head about me & didn't mouth off to anyone. I learned a big lesson. I wrote another blog (always a good thing!) and officially started my step 4. All in all a very good day!

Thanks for reading & talk with you later!!

Amy

Monday, September 18, 2006

Last night was a hard & enlightening night for me. I had just written a letter to my disease telling it goodbye, we're breaking up (see letter below). Well I knew my disease would be fighting back & it did. Last night I dreamed I binged. I dreamed I went into my closet (one of the places I used to hide my binge foods from my family) and binged. I know those dreams are normal, especially in the first year of recovery. But they are still hard to deal with. I also had several dreams about bats!! I have Native American Animal Totem cards & I went to them to see what bats stood for. I was pleased to discover bat meant rebirth! The card talked about a symbolic death (like Shamans) & then being reborn. It also talked of dying to old habits & starting a new life. I feel this is a very good omen considering the letter I wrote to my disease last night. Well the disease may have fought back last night while I was asleep but the fact is I remained abstinent!!! 94 days!!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Today I gave away my steps 2 & 3 to my sponsor. I had been procrastinating big time on step 2 & while I had started it about a 11/2 months ago.....I just wouldn't finish it. Then I went to an online meeting one night where someone shared that procrastination was low intesity, chronic fear. That really struck a chord with me. I immediately went home & finished my step 2 & then started on step 3. By the time my sponsor was able to take my step 2 I was done with both. Now a biggie....step 4. My sponsor warned me that my step 4 would be broken down into 6 parts. She gave me my first assingment: Write a letter to my disease. I could say anything that came to mind, curse my brains out etc. I thought it would be a real F.U. I hate your guts letter. But as with most of this step writing....something entirely different emerged. I wanted to share my letter to my disease with you.

To my disease (coe & fa):
I know how you've been. You're pissed off. I'm no longer in your grips. Nearly 30 years & I've been your bitch. Doing everything you told me. You'd give me a thought & I had to comply. You gave me no rest until I did. I wanted you gone for so long. But it's not all your fault. I was complicit too. Only half of me wanted you gone. The other half of me loved you. You were always there for me. When I was lonely - you were there to keep me company. When I was tired & I thought I couldn't go on you perked me up. There were days I just thought I wouldn't get through - but the idea that you were there - waiting for me at the end of the day, waiting to comfort me & excite me - it got me through. Part of me hates you - you destroyed my body. I have an 80 yr old knee that will need replaced because of you. I have inches & inches of excess skin hanging off of me - because of you. I have stretch marks all over me - because of you. I was never a young, pretty, carefree girl - because of you. I will never be - because of you. All the life I missed - all the living I missed - because of you. I was never normal because of you. I look at all things I missed & missed out on - & I blame you. Always calling to me - day & night - never giving me any peace - never letting me alone. I never rested, never had a break from you. You always occupied my thoughts. And while part of me hates you - despises you for all that you've done - part of me loves you too. You gave me such pleasure for so long. You never called me names & you never hated me or left me. You were always there for me - so close. Anytime I wanted you. Anytime I needed you. You were my lover, my best friend. At times you were my only friend. And the times I gave you up - you patiently waited for me - called to me - & when I needed you again you were right there - there was no condemnation - no "I'm sorry's" - just "I love you's" & "see what you were missing"? And those times without you made our make up's seem so good. But then I knew you were no good for me. And every time I quit you & I went back - it was that much harder to give you up again. Despite the fact I nearly lost everything - my life, my lovers, my friends, my money, my health, my joy, everthing! I still wanted you - I still loved you. No matter how bad you treated me - you still gave me pleasure.
The more I think about it - the more I realize - it wasn't your fault - it was mine. I used you. I used you for comfort, friendship, love, companionship, excitement. And every time the consequences got too high - I'd try to give you up. I wan't fair to either of us. You need someone who can give you 24 hr devotion. Who can live, sleep, breathe you - until you kill them. Because that's what happens with you - you say you love me & you're always there for me - but the results say it all. The result of your love is temporary happiness - but the lasting result is pain, isolation, illness & death. You can't help it - it's not your fault. It's who you are. The fault is mine. I used you. I wanted your temporary pleasure. I allowed myself to use you - even when I knew it was killing me. You gave me pleasure - so sweet sometimes - it was hard to give you up - even as I saw my life slipping from me. But the pleasure - became more & more fleeting. I needed more & more of you day by day & the consequences of using you got higher & higher. I was exhausted daily - just figuring out how I would get more food, how I would pay for it, how would I get enough? How would I get time alone with you? My mind is just mentally used up from all the worry. And my body is disinigrating. And then - when I was finally alone with you - At last - the high just wasn't good enough. Over time - the sweetness bittered. It never lasted as long. Like my mind & body - it was all used up.
I never had time for anything else. there was no life in between the binges. Only pain - pain of life without you. I needed you so bad to fog up my mind & make reality more palatable. I needed you to make everything better. At first it seemed you did. But every once in awhile, reality would creep in & then I saw my life was a shambles. Usually that drove me back to you - faster & harder than ever before! Sometimes it drove me to seek help - find a better way - a better life - but still you were there - calling to me - stalking me. You said you loved me & you wouldn't let me go. But this wasn't love, it wasn't even desire - it was obsession. Couldn't you see you were killing me? If you truly loved me - you would've let me go. But I'm thankful really. You made it abundantly clear - so even I - in my dense drugged out state could finally see the truth. That while I loved & hated you, you hated me too. What other explanation could there be? You tried to kill me, over & over again. You wouldn't let me go though I begged you & cried & pleaded & prayed & begged you to leave. You must have hated & despised me too. Maybe we just hated ourselves & took it out on each other. I'm not sure - but I know this.... it has to end.
I know you don't want it too. I know at some level - you will never leave me. But it's OK - I'm leaving you. The decision is made & I will never go back to you again. Let's face it - there was love once upon a time. And you did serve a purpose fo me. There was the pleasure & comfort. But you made me fat - & that protected me for a long time. From the pain of relationships, sex, people. You numbed me from the pain of living. And that helped me enourmously. Once - a long time ago. But it doesn't help anymore. I need a real lover, real friends, human companionship - and you can't give me those things - EVER! You're not human - youre not capable & no amount of wishing will ever make it so. So yes, you gave me easy pleasure & you were readily available. But the real truth is - YOU WERE NEVER WHAT I WANTED. YOU WERE NEVER WHAT I NEEDED. YOU COULD NEVER FULFILL ME. YOU ARE A HOLLOW REPRESENTATION OF WHAT I WANT & NEED. YOU ARE EMPTY & BEREFT AND I'M DONE WITH YOU!!
It was good for awhile - but those good times ended decades ago. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. You no longer serve my needs. That seems selfish I know - after everything you've given me. But look at all that you've taken away! The ledger doesn't balance - it's not even close. In exchange for some temporary comfort & pleasure - you have demanded all my time, my energy, my money, you've destroyed my body, you've nearly killed me - you've taken my real lovers & my real friends. I needed you for companionship because you chased everybody that ever loved me away!!!! The truth is - you've been selfish. You wanted me all to yourself. You wanted my attention 24/7. You wanted my money. You wanted my body & then you used it & destroyed it. You were selfish. And I used you. And it's killing me. I'm as complicit as you - I'm admitting it. But I won't be made to feel guilty. I'm done pouring my energy into you. I've found a better way. It has it's pleasures - it has it's pain too. But it's sanity. If I can do this program I have a chance at a life - that's something I never had with you. Living with you - being in the desease - It isn't a way to live - It's a way to die. And I don't want to die anymore. I'm nearly 40 - & it's time for me to live.
I have to let you go. I need to let you go on a level I know you will never understand. There are plenty of other people for you. I know all too well. And I feel sorry for them. But you & I - we're through. You've seen how I give people & things up. I quite smoking & I never smoked again. There were times I wanted too - but I persisted & now - it's hard for people to believe I ever smoked 21/2 packs a day - some don't even believe me - because it's not who I am anymore.
You remember Chuck? And how much I loved him. And how I left & came back & left again. It must have been at least 8 times that one year. But when I made up my mind - Truly - I was done. I've never seen him since.
I know what you're thinking. I've left you before & I've come running back with open arms. But you & I know that isn't true. I've never left you. You were always in my mind, in my heart - you were my very breath. There were times - maybe even a year or two here & there - where I didn't use you. But you were always there. In my mind & heart. I fought you - but in the fighting - you were alive & well inside me - & that's why I always gave in - that's why I always came back. I was rebuking you on sheer willpower alone. I was white knuckling it physically. But my mind & heart were still yours- always yours!
But that's done now. I really have gotten you out of my system this time. And I still see you, hear you, knocking at my door - calling to me. But haven't you noticed? - I haven't been listening. Have you noticed too, I've been happy, & more peaceful then I've ever been? And I've had problems - Big Ass problems & you know what I've learned? Without you - I'm just fine. Hell, 90% of the time I don't even miss you. In fact I'm grateful as hell your not there. I don't even want you around anymore. Truth be told I resent you now that I really see what you've done to me. I know I'll have to deal with that too. But I will deal with it - without YOU!
If you ever really loved me you would read this & see the truth of what I say... and then you would leave me alone - never to return. But I have to grow up now - & take responsibility for myself. And that means that even if you stalk me for the rest of my life - I have to do what I have to do to take care of myself! If that means I have to go to meetings the rest of my life - I will. If that means I have to do step work & never eat certain foods again - I will. Because you have gotten me down so damn low - it's a miracle I'm still here. And I'm desperate - desperate enough to do anything I have to to NEVER TURN TO YOU AGAIN!!!
I'm done this time - It's really over. I'm sorry if your hurt. I'm sorry if you feel used. But truthfully - I just can't care about you anymore. You've shown me your true colors. And while once I loved you - I will nver be able to look at you the same again. What I once saw as a beautiful face looks ugly to me now. And with 3 months of sanity behind me - to bolster me - I see that his ugly face was always your true face. The food, the desire - my desire - made it look different. I was wrong, so wrong.
So you see - I really am done with you - even if you're not done with me. It really is over & in the end - there is nothing you can do about it. Even as hard as you may try - And I know you will - I am going to do everything in my power to fill my life with sanity - so you will never look good to me again. Desperation really can be a lovely gift. I believe it was given to me by miraculous means. I'm desperate enough to do anything to be rid of you. What a gift, this desperation.
I really do hope you leave me alone - so I can live my life & be happy without you. But still, I will prepare for the worst, just in case. I know you still have the power to kill me - I pray to never forget that. Nor forget just how bad it got with you. Thank God I have meetings, newcomers, & those still caught up in you to keep my memory green.
I pray to forget the good times with you, as few as they were. I won't dwell on them either - & make sweetness out of bitterness.
I felt I had to explain this to you. As this is the last time I am engaging in conversation with you - because as I said earlier - no matter how hard it may get- I'M DONE WITH YOU. IT IS OVER. I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO YOU. WE ARE THROUGH!!!!!
There is someone new in my life. He/She is always there too....but with one big difference. They let me walk away anytime I want. And anytime I want to come back they are still there. Now that's real love! Someone who gives you the freedom to stay or to walk away.
And they've never hurt me. Even when I think they have - it turns out upon later reflection - They really had my best interests at heart.
He/She never imposes their will on me - but is always there to help me & guide me. It's love unconditional, and while I can't return it the same way - I'm willing to work on it!
It's not like I'm leaving you & there's a big (w)hole in my life. Quite the contrary - my life - my world - has been filled beyond my wildest dreams. I have something now, that I haven't had for so many years - I have hope!
Goodbye,
Amy
P.S. Please don't call me.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Needed to affirm that my angels are really working for me & looking out for me. They are sending me messages that even I can't ignore. I am so grateful to HP for watching over me & helping me to understand Her will through a means I can get. The angels are unmistakable in their message & have infinite patience. The suprising thing is that they have a sense of humor! And I love it.

Friday, September 15, 2006

I was reminded of a 12 step analogy today. It is particularly insightful when it comes to eating disorders.

Your recovery is something you stand on, it holds you. Think of your recovery as a 3-legged stool. One leg is physical recovery, one leg is spiritual recovery, the last leg is emotional recovery.

Now work just a spiritual program. Do the praying & communicating with HP. But don't work the steps, don't be abstinent. Now, try to stand on your recovery....try to stand on your stool. You can't, one leg is way longer than the other.

Try it a different way. Let's be abstinent and working the 12 steps, but don't communicate with HP. Don't pray, meditate or in anyway develop a relationship with a higher power. Let's also work on our steps with our sponsor. We have a food plan & we're sticking to it! We are losing weight. Now what happens? You still can't stand on your stool, two legs are long, the other one really short or non-existent.

The point is, you have to work all aspects of the program. If you have spiritual recovery only (otherwise known as fat serenity) but no physical recovery, your program is out of whack. You're not really in recovery. You can't be in recovery & working the program for years and gaining weight! If you are gaining weight you aren't abstinent, you can't be! Weight gain isn't a sin & it doesn't mean you are a bad person....what it does mean is that you aren't in recovery & you're not working the program. You are taking in too much food, that isn't sane. No physical recovery, no sanity, no emotional recovery. You can be very spiritual and very fat (I have been). You can also attend meetings. You can be around the program, you may even say you're in program....but you aren't working the program! I heard someone today say that they were jealous that people in the program are losing weight. Then they said that they felt they were really working the program because they had spiritual recovery, and that is the point of program. The point of program is actually a 3-fold recovery: spiritual, emotional and physical. If you are a food addict, abstinence is essential. If you are an alcoholic sobreity is essential. This is where compulsive overeaters and food addicts miss the recovery boat.......I did it for several years myself so I understand better than anyone. It's also what's wrong with OA & why membership has diminished so it's a VERY IMPORTANT POINT. YOU CAN'T HAVE SPIRITUAL RECOVERY WITHOUT PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL RECOVERY. Imagine this, an AA meeting where 2/3rds of the members sat around talking about how they were still drinking alcohol everyday but where spiritually recovered. If you've been to enough AA meetings you would find this ludicrous......because it NEVER HAPPENS! Because someone would stand up & say....."hold on there buddy....YOU CAN'T BE DRINKING ALCOHOL & BE RECOVERING. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! You CAN go to meetings and drink all the way there & all the way home. You can go to 3 meetings a day & drink your brains out. You are welcome to come to meetings stinking drunk & reeking of booze. Members will befriend you and allow you to talk ad nasuem....but noone will allow you to get away with a bullshit statement like you're drinking alcohol but have spiritual recovery! This is the lie that has been killing OA. It's the reason it's hard to attract & keep newcomers (most people come to OA to lose weight & they don't want to walk into a meeting where everyone is saying they have been working the program for years and they are still fat!) Then the ones who have been there for years get tired of coming back & coming back & getting nothing out of it. But the first thing that needs to be done is PUTTING DOWN THE FOOD. It sucks! It's work! And it's the first thing and alcoholic does when they enter program, they put down the alcohol! It's the first thing a coke head does, put down the blow! It's the first thing a gambler does, stop gambling! The point is not to do your drug anymore!!!! It is the reason we go to a 12 step meeting. How do we do it? We develop a spiritual relationship with a Higher Power. That's HOW we do it. We keep it going by clearing away our emotional backage. But physical recovery IS THE POINT! IT'S WHY WE ARE THERE! How food addicts/compulsive overeaters miss this is easy to figure out....they still are listening to the disease. Their disease is trying to kill them by getting them to believe they are in recovery, all the while they are using. It is an baffling, cunning, powerful, insidous disease. It is killing the victim & killing OA & it has too stop.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

I have heard that addictions are a coping mechanism. They are behaviors you adopt to help you cope with life circumstances. Like many coe & fa who have struggled with obesity, I was a victim of molestation. Also like
many molestation & rape victims I had multiple offenders. I don't say this in a blaming way, as I am not even angry at most of my offenders any more. I say it because I needed to come to grips with this, discuss it, put it out there, heal, and move on.

When my parents divorced (I think I was around 12) I saw my father (with my 2 younger brothers) every other weekend. I very clearly remember an incident that occured on my last overnight stay with my father.
My father lived with a gentleman (I never met him) who was out of town. Perfect opportunity for my father to have his children over for the night (he slept on this friends couch). I remember my two brothers falling asleep (one on the couch....one on the floor) by each other. My father and I slept on the floor by each other. I remember him touching me and whispering to me about how much I looked like my mother (whom he was still in love with.....he did not want the divorce). I don't remember where he touched me, I just have no memory of that. I do remember feeling very uncomfortable and feeling that something was wrong. I remember getting up and locking myself in the other mans bedroom and I wouldn't open or unlock the door until the next morning when I heard my brothers were up and awake. I went home that visit & told my mom what happened (although I don't remember exactly....think I just told her what I'm telling you). She told me I never had to visit my father again. I didn't see my father much after that over the next 10 years. I don't remember exactly what happened, just that what he said was inappropriate and felt way too intimate. I don't think anything happened. But it colored the way I looked at my father forever.
My mother shortly thereafter married my stepfather. He was a child molester. He was caught molesting his eldest daughter by his first wife. I know because I was there when my mother was told by her. Perhaps my mother thought this was sour grapes. But for the next several years my stepfather molested me.....often in front of my mother. He french kissed me daily & felt my breasts as well as made lewd comments in front of me. We also watched pornography together as a family. My stepfather never had sex with me (thank God) although I saw him naked plenty and can describe his penis in detail. He also molested my friends....who would visit once and then never come over again. This really isolated me. My mother to this day is in denial of this and swears she never saw any of this even though it happened in front of her daily. Thank God I have on occasion talked to old girlfriends who without prompting brought up these incidences. I was beginning to think I was making it up until one girlfriend said she should be paid for my stepfather molesting her. If it wasn't for her bringing this up, I think I wouldv'e believed I was crazy. I was oversexulized as a result of this....and I know that is where my sex addiction (especially to pornography) and my food addiction (eating to obestiy) are rooted in. I am not angry at my stepfather. He molested others after me, including his grandson....who later was arrested (as a child) as a sex offender. My stepfather later admitted to raping & killing several girls but was found to be innocent but mentally ill & hospitalized several times. He has bipolar disorder and after many years of back on & off medicating....he developed serious mental disorders. He is literally crazy. I don't blame him but a society that allows such sick people to interact with others and doesn't help them. He should have been instutionalized decades ago.
I also had very inappropriate boundry issues with my mother. Of all the people I still blame (and I will have to do some serious step work regarding this) it's her. I was her only daughter & felt I should have been protected by her. While she never did anything sexual to me (ever) she sexualized me at a very young age by introducing inappropriate sexual companions of hers into my life. Not just my stepfather, but lovers she had before him. Once I had a 14 year old boy ask me out on a date....which I thought was weird because he was a couple of years older than me & I didn't know him. I turned him down (I knew I was too young to date). But the next thing I knew.....he was dating my married mother. Ralph & my mother would be making out in front of me & my brothers in our kitchen when my fathers car pulled up....then Ralph would run out the back. Ralph was a "second father" and in charge of us when mom was not around. It is very hard to respect your mother when she is married & fooling around with a child. Especially when said child bosses you around and acts like your parent. Mother billed Ralph as a problem child & when Dad took us to play ball on weekends....Ralph would come to. This put us 3 children in a very bad position....having to pretend with Dad that we didn't know mom & Ralph were lovers. The situation made us complicit & liars. it was a very traumatic situation. I think this is enough for now.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I wanted to share a little bit about my step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I have to believe in a power greater than myself having the ability to restore me to sanity because I have done a piss poor job of it! But I had a lot of "bad" feelings toward God. I wanted to follow the 12 step plan because I knew it worked. I've seen it work so often. So this time around in program I really gave in and followed the steps. The AA Big Book said if you had ideas about God that didn't work for you & your recovery, than scrap em! Throw them in the trash & make a new God, Higher Power that can and will work for you. Even if you don't believe it, do it. If you want what we have follow our direction. So even though I didn't see how it could work, I did it. I scrapped the Christian God that was punishing a patriarchal & decided on a new definition for HP. I see my HP as both a God & Goddess. Possessing the attributes I admire in males & females. I needed to feel the presence of my Gods and needed to give them a face so they wouldn't be some amorphous being or force, but a personal God. The Goddess was easy to see. She needed to be nuturing & earthy but fiercly protective of me. Beautiful & strong & vibrant.......alive and real. I choose an actresses face to represent my Goddess, as she possesed all these attributes. Ironically I saw a tv show later in which she played, you guessed it, a Goddess. Some might think it is silly to have the face of someone be a Goddess, but in the Big Book it says a chair can be your God if you choose. You have to choose a God of your understanding. You have to be willing to believe. The actual believing & trust will come later.

I have issues with men so I choose the God to be represented by a very unassuming man. He is handsome though as I wanted to see me God as a possible consort. He exhibits the qualities of a man I would like to be with: strong, intelligent, confident, funny, endearing & kind. Above all....kind. He too has the face of an actor.

I can honestly say picturing my Gods in my mind, talking to them, hearing them talk & advise me....truly have helped me believe and to trust....again. I guess what I'm saying is follow the big book, follow the steps. They work and they bring peace to troubled minds.

Blessings,


Amy

Wanted to give everyone an idea of what I eat everyday. I think this is helpful as I am an unusual case as I am a vegetarian (for spiritual reasons) and I don't eat wheat or wheat gluten. Also there are always people who want to know "what you eat" to lose weight and be abstinent. I have lost weight this year (2006). My top weight was between 420-450 lbs. (Just a few years ago) Earlier this year I weighed myself and I was 333lbs, now I am 260 (I am 6' tall). I was estactic to be able to fit in my "old" size 28. (You know you have a weight problem when you look forward to being a size 28 again!) Now I am a size 22 and have no clothes (I own 2 pairs of pants that small!) Ah well....we all have our crosses to bear! I shoot to eat no more than 600 calories per meal. But my stomach has shrunk & I don't need volume like I used to. My average meal is between 400-500 calories. I don't eat cheese as it is a binge food for me but I do occasionaly eat eggs. I eat no meat, fish, or poultry. I don't eat anything with wheat or wheat gluten (which pretty much wipes out all meat replacement products) but I will eat products with rennett (it does not trigger me.) I buy a protein replacement product that does not contain wheat but has 25 grams of soy protein per scoop. So rather than list meals by category I will just list an average meal. I would like to say that I am eating foods I NEVER thought I would eat. I find that my tastebuds are adjusting & changing as I continue to stick with whole healthy foods. So if you see something you think you could NEVER eat realize that I too never ate a vegetable or fruit (and I was a vegetarian! I lived off cheese!) and now I look forward to nothing more than a crisp apple & some spinach. So try these ideas, see if they work for you. Remember as always....take what you like and leave the rest.

Strawberry Protein shake

1 scoop of protein powder
1 cup unsweetened soymilk
1 strawberry soy yogurt (lots of sugar but the protein balances it out well)
2-3 cups frozen strawberries (the amount of strawberries depends on whether I have to eat it "on the run"....I usually do as I eat this for breakfast a lot & I am late for work!)
Put in a blender a let it spin! Can be mostly frozen or more liquid depending on how many strawberries you use. This has between 450-500 calories & boasts 32 grams of protein!!! Great to have after a workout. Also has all sorts of healthy stomach bacteria (from the yogurt). Keeps you nice & healthy. Of course you can use unfrozen strawberries or any kind of fruit. Just watch the calories. Try peach shakes/bannana & peanut butter/bannana & coconut & pineapple. Try different flavorings, fruits & yogurts. This is a great on the run meal.

Soup & salads for lunch

Soup is great to have for lunch as is salad. Both are filling. I buy packets of soup mix by Bean Cuisine. They include beans, peas, lentils, & seasonings (there are different types.) You add your own veggies & meat. I omit the meat & add canned organic tomatoes & carrots & veggie broth. I estimate a cup as 100 calories (for the beans & veggies). If I eat a salad I will buy greens & tomatoes & add either no calorie dressing or add protein (1/3 c raw/unsalted cashews) & some dressing (I make dressing w/1 tbsp flax seed oil (keep flax seed oil in your fridge!) , dijon mustard, lemon juice & garlic & add a little water. The dressing gets calories from the flax seed oil only (& it's healthy!!!) and I add lemon juice & water to cover the salad. Very good!)

Sometimes I will have soup w/1 c brown/wild rice mix & 1 c of vegetables. I will make the soup/rice (topped w/spicy tomatoes) in containers & freeze. I make the soup in & freeze too! That way I always have ready meals to take to work. I always keep at least one frozen meal at work.....that way if I forget my lunch....no excuses! Healthy meal in fridge. Soup & rice are good hot stick to your ribs food for winter (which is coming up).

I have found a lightline product that is chicken strips protein (made with soy) and contains no wheat. (I found these in Walmart in the produce section with the other meat replacement products). The whole package contains 160 calories & has 30 grams of protein! It tastes delicious & I enjoy it on top of salad or I grill it in 1 tbsp of olive oil & with on onion & put it on top of spinach.

I also have pizza! I found gluten free personal pizza crust & top it w/1/2 c of organic tomato sauce, 1 onion, peppers, 2 1/3 c of soy cheese & put it in the toaster oven & bake 15 minutes. Very good!

Also try tempeh grilled on salad. Egg & soy cheese on a bagel for breakfast.
Sometimes simple is best! I eat 2 slices of rice bread w/2 tbsp of REAL peanut butter (no sugar........just pulverized peanuts). Or a bannana w/peanut butter. I also eat wheat free waffles w/a little syrup & soy butter. Fresh fruit platters. If I need to add protein I will have some vegetable broth w/a scoop of protein powder. It makes a soothing soup & is only 120 calories w/25 grams of protein. A nice hot drink if I'm not feeling well. I also eat wheat free cereals w/soy milk.

That's pretty much all I eat right now. Lot's of salads, rice, soy milk & cheese, soups, vegetables & fruits & protein replacements since I don't eat meat. I DO eat healthy fats & proteins as they balance carbs (too high in carbs & it's a binge food for me). I think a lot of people leave out fats thinking fats make you fat. The truth is....too many calories make you fat! Not moving makes you fat! Eating foods that trigger your compulsion makes you fat! Healthy fats (olive oil, flax oil, sunflower oils) are very very good for you! They tell your body you are full & keep your brain working right. They oil your joints & make your skin pretty. As long as you're not eating a ton of it you're fine! And if you think about it....the foods you binge on may have fat in them......but they also have tons of sugar!! When was the last time you sat down to eat a bowl of crisco? Now add 14 cups of sugar.....different story! It's important to add healthy fats to your diet to help control the carbs. Protein & fat slow down the absorption of carbs....making carbohydrate foods less triggerful. I count calories because it helps me control portions. But I am not a fanatic about it. I weigh & measure my foods to keep my portions under control but estimate calories so I am more normal!! If I become to obsessive about calories.....than I know I have entered "diet mode" and that is not any healthier than overeating. 3 meals a day for me, no more, no less. Too many meals are unhealthy, too few, also unhealthy. Sometimes if I need to, I will break up 1 meal down into 2 (same calories/portions) if I have a long day. I also allow myself snacks but find I don't need them much anymore as my body has adjusted to a certain amount of meals/calories. But I prefer to eat a snack rather than let myself get too hungry as extreme hunger triggers your bodies survival mode and your brain will do anything to get you to eat. My preferred snack is 1/4 cup of raw nuts (usually almonds). That has fat & protein to sate hunger & not a lot of carbs (which triggers more eating). If you think nuts are a bingeing food I suggest you try raw (not roasted) unsalted nuts. A totally different food altogether. What people don't realize is that raw nuts have UNSATURATED fats. But when you roast/heat nuts you change them at the molecular level. The fats chemically bond & grow "tails" & become SATURATED fats which are unhealthy. (The same thing happens to oil!) Thats why unroasted nuts & oils are healthy & good for you (and for me are NOT addictive) but once you heat oil & nuts they become saturated & addictive. The addition of salt (which is addictive for me) just makes it worse. I hope this gives you some ideas. I know some people say you should eat a variety of foods but for me that is addictive. I tend to eat the same foods day in & day out. I still enjoy my food, but it holds less power over me. I also find eating the same foods day in & day out comforting for my brain & body. I tend to go through phases where I will eat the same foods for months & then switch to new foods for a few months. I live with someone who is a coe (they would never admit it & think they're not because they've never weighed over 240 lbs & have maintained that weight several years) but they do not curb their eating habits at all in front of me. They have many of my binge foods in the house. I had to modify my behavior to continue living with them. I have shelves in our pantry & in our freezer that our mine! I do not even look at the other shelves. I have learned to turn a blind eye to their foods. I always keep certain foods in the pantry & freezer so I know if I don't have any money I will always have binge free foods. I always keep dried beans, canned veggies, soup mix, veggie broth & protein powder, rice & soymilk as well as some cereals. If worse comes to worse I can live off the abstinent but unexciting foods. I hope some of these strategies work for you. While I am in advice giving mode let me tell you that I watch very little tv these days. And when I do I tape/tivo shows so I can forward through all those fast food commercials. Why fill your brain with this unhealthy stuff? Instead I read lots of OA food recovery literature and go to meetings online and face 2 face. Blessings to you in your recovery journey!

Amy

This is some of my step 1 work. I put it out there so that 1) I have put the honesty of my disease out there, it is here for all to see. I am no longer willing to hide this disease. I am no longer willing to hide behind it. This is who I am, I am a coe (compulsive overeater) FA (food addict). These are my triggers, let me hide them from noone. Hiding makes me sick and I no longer want to be sick. 2) Seeing what triggers me may help others learn what triggers them. I spent decades trying to figure out what did & didn't work for me. I never knew "wheat" could be a trigger. That accidental discovery has relieved me of a lot of pain & bingeing. If someone can see one food/or act that is a trigger for them that they had not previously recognized and helps them....if something I experienced can help them for one minute, maybe then all this pain was worth it. There are lots of triggers, I am still discovering them. Flour I have discovered is not a trigger for me.......only wheat is. Whole food or in flour form... wheat gets me anytime. But rice/tapioca/corn flour, has no trigger effect on me at all (thank God!) Of course I realize that could always change. As part of my daily step 10 I honestly look at my foods to see if any foods are triggering me. There was one item for instance that bothered me for awhile but now no longer does. I discovered a "tweak" I needed to make (no sugar added soymilk) and then I was fine. The important thing for me is that I am willing to honestly evaluate my food plan daily and make adjustments accordingly. If it is a trouble food, it needs to go! Once I found foods that worked for me, I stuck to them for awhile. Then every once in a while I add a food & see if it triggers me. If it doesn't, it's now in my food plan. If it does, it is OUT!

My Binge Foods (Foods I can't just have one serving of, foods I crave/obsess about)

Ice cream
pastries/cakes/desserts
bread made with wheat
Iciing
Wheat
sugar
sauces
cheese
candy & snack foods (junk food)
soda & fruit juice (liquid sugar)
butter
most dairy foods
roasted or salted nuts
fast foods
restaurant foods
special occasion foods



Trigger Foods (foods that trigger me to eat more of other foods and go to my binge foods. Even if the food is "healthy" & I can eat just one serving....it will trigger me to eat volume & binge later. Some foods are so powerful for me they make both lists.)

Ice Cream (this includes soy ice cream)
Wheat
Soda
Dessert
Butter
Cheese
Sugar
Roasted &/or salted nuts
Salty foods
restaurant foods
homemade foods at gatherings
special occasion foods

Most Difficult Times for me to be abstinent:

-after work & before bed
-holidays
-away from home
-amusement parks, picnics, vacations
-around family gatherings
-when I'm alone

What triggers me to eat?

-seeing my father always triggers me to binge afterwards
-having a bad or stressful day (especially after work)
-late afternoon & evenings
-movies
-one bite of sugar or wheat
-sugar drinks (soda/juice)
-celebrations & holidays (especially with my family of origin)
-driving by (seeing) fast food places & restaurants
-sight of pastries/desserts
-grocery stores (certain sections)
-when I'm depressed
-when I'm anxious or worried or stressed
-if something bad happens
-if something really good happens
-seeing others eat
-smelling food
-being around other "in the food" people (coe/fa)
-amusement parks
-seeing others eat w/impunity foods I cannot have (and be abstinent)
-old binge haunts
-0ld binge people
-commercials
-opportunity (this is a big one!)

How often do I eat when I am non-abstinent?
Non-stop! It is rare for an hour to go by without me eating. I binge at every opportunity. That means keeping late hours (everyone in bed) so I can binge. My closet became my binge pantry as well as my car. I would buy two meals & go grocery shopping with foods I could eat in front of others & foods I would hide & eat later. On the way home I would stop & eat my restaurant foods so I could eat "normally" (normal eating in my family is way overeating by the way) in front of everyone. When they went to bed I would binge again. Yes, I would hide entire ice cream cakes in my closet. I was a miracle worker with that. My self will found a way to hide ice cream cakes in non-refridgeration. What a miracle worker I was! There were months where I ate an entire ice cream cake everyday. And that was just a snack!

My plan of eating: (very simple)
-no binge or trigger foods
-no second helpings (I allow second salad green helpings but now that I have been relieved of the obsession....I never do).


For weight loss:

-I shoot to have 600 calorie meals or less.....3 times a day with 100 calorie snacks if neccessary to keep the blood sugar steady & hunger at bay. I eat whole, healthy foods.
-I walk at least 1/2 hr each day as per dr. instructions.

I very rarely eat snacks anymore as my body has adjusted to 3 meals a day. And the obsession with food has been relieved. I am so eternally grateful. But the abstinence is the important part. It is black & white & very simple. No binge or trigger foods & no second helpings as volume is part of the disease for me. The calorie limits help me with weight loss but are really guides for me as to portion sizes as I am a coe & am not good with that. Quite frankly, who IS good with portion sizes in this country? But I use that as a guide as I am not willing to give myself a bat to beat myself up with. I am a firm believer that your abstinence has to be black & white (as coe & fa we are wayyyyy to good at fooling ourselves) but we also have to be gentle on ourselves too. Our caloric needs may change from day to day & guilt is NOT a good motivator. As a coe/fa I have beat myself up enough for several lifetimes. I refuse to do it anymore.




This is some of my step 1 work. I put it out there so that 1) I have put the honesty of my disease out there, it is here for all to see. I am no longer willing to hide this disease. I am no longer willing to hide behind it. This is who I am, I am a coe (compulsive overeater) FA (food addict). These are my triggers, let me hide them from noone. Hiding makes me sick and I no longer want to be sick. 2) Seeing what triggers me may help others learn what triggers them. I spent decades trying to figure out what did & didn't work for me. I never knew "wheat" could be a trigger. That accidental discovery has relieved me of a lot of pain & bingeing. If someone can see one food/or act that is a trigger for them that they had not previously recognized and helps them....if something I experienced can help them for one minute, maybe then all this pain was worth it. There are lots of triggers, I am still discovering them. Flour I have discovered is not a trigger for me.......only wheat is. Whole food or in flour form... wheat gets me anytime. But rice/tapioca/corn flour, has no trigger effect on me at all (thank God!) Of course I realize that could always change. As part of my daily step 10 I honestly look at my foods to see if any foods are triggering me. There was one item for instance that bothered me for awhile but now no longer does. I discovered a "tweak" I needed to make (no sugar added soymilk) and then I was fine. The important thing for me is that I am willing to honestly evaluate my food plan daily and make adjustments accordingly. If it is a trouble food, it needs to go! Once I found foods that worked for me, I stuck to them for awhile. Then every once in a while I add a food & see if it triggers me. If it doesn't, it's now in my food plan. If it does, it is OUT!

My Binge Foods (Foods I can't just have one serving of, foods I crave/obsess about)

Ice cream
pastries/cakes/desserts
bread made with wheat
Iciing
Wheat
sugar
sauces
cheese
candy & snack foods (junk food)
soda & fruit juice (liquid sugar)
butter
most dairy foods
roasted or salted nuts
fast foods
restaurant foods
special occasion foods



Trigger Foods (foods that trigger me to eat more of other foods and go to my binge foods. Even if the food is "healthy" & I can eat just one serving....it will trigger me to eat volume & binge later. Some foods are so powerful for me they make both lists.)

Ice Cream (this includes soy ice cream)
Wheat
Soda
Dessert
Butter
Cheese
Sugar
Roasted &/or salted nuts
Salty foods
restaurant foods
homemade foods at gatherings
special occasion foods

Most Difficult Times for me to be abstinent:

-after work & before bed
-holidays
-away from home
-amusement parks, picnics, vacations
-around family gatherings
-when I'm alone

What triggers me to eat?

-seeing my father always triggers me to binge afterwards
-having a bad or stressful day (especially after work)
-late afternoon & evenings
-movies
-one bite of sugar or wheat
-sugar drinks (soda/juice)
-celebrations & holidays (especially with my family of origin)
-driving by (seeing) fast food places & restaurants
-sight of pastries/desserts
-grocery stores (certain sections)
-when I'm depressed
-when I'm anxious or worried or stressed
-if something bad happens
-if something really good happens
-seeing others eat
-smelling food
-being around other "in the food" people (coe/fa)
-amusement parks
-seeing others eat w/impunity foods I cannot have (and be abstinent)
-old binge haunts
-0ld binge people
-commercials
-opportunity (this is a big one!)

How often do I eat when I am non-abstinent?
Non-stop! It is rare for an hour to go by without me eating. I binge at every opportunity. That means keeping late hours (everyone in bed) so I can binge. My closet became my binge pantry as well as my car. I would buy two meals & go grocery shopping with foods I could eat in front of others & foods I would hide & eat later. On the way home I would stop & eat my restaurant foods so I could eat "normally" (normal eating in my family is way overeating by the way) in front of everyone. When they went to bed I would binge again. Yes, I would hide entire ice cream cakes in my closet. I was a miracle worker with that. My self will found a way to hide ice cream cakes in non-refridgeration. What a miracle worker I was! There were months where I ate an entire ice cream cake everyday. And that was just a snack!

My plan of eating: (very simple)
-no binge or trigger foods
-no second helpings (I allow second salad green helpings but now that I have been relieved of the obsession....I never do).


For weight loss:

-I shoot to have 600 calorie meals or less.....3 times a day with 100 calorie snacks if neccessary to keep the blood sugar steady & hunger at bay. I eat whole, healthy foods.
-I walk at least 1/2 hr each day as per dr. instructions.

I very rarely eat snacks anymore as my body has adjusted to 3 meals a day. And the obsession with food has been relieved. I am so eternally grateful. But the abstinence is the important part. It is black & white & very simple. No binge or trigger foods & no second helpings as volume is part of the disease for me. The calorie limits help me with weight loss but are really guides for me as to portion sizes as I am a coe & am not good with that. Quite frankly, who IS good with portion sizes in this country? But I use that as a guide as I am not willing to give myself a bat to beat myself up with. I am a firm believer that your abstinence has to be black & white (as coe & fa we are wayyyyy to good at fooling ourselves) but we also have to be gentle on ourselves too. Our caloric needs may change from day to day & guilt is NOT a good motivator. As a coe/fa I have beat myself up enough for several lifetimes. I refuse to do it anymore.