Food memories.....
Wheat thins were one of my favorite binge foods. I used to eat them with strawberry cream cheese. I remember the first day I tried this combination. It was on the way back from a trip to visit my aunt in Pennsylvania. My parents wanted a quiet car ride home & they knew personalized snacks always shut us children up. I got my very own box of wheat thins that day, and my own package of strawberry cream cheese. I had never eaten cream cheese before and never had any other kind since. I remember the orgasmic feeling of gripping my own box & feeling the sweet chemical taste of slippery strawberry cream on top of salty sugar crackers. I never forgot that feeling and tried to duplicate it hundreds of times since.

Pizza was a favorite binge food of mine. I used to order 2 large pizzas from Papa John’s with several butter sauces & extra cheese. I would devour one immediately and save the second for later when my food hangover set in & I needed a fix.

My favorite all time binge food was ice cream. Especially strawberry milkshakes from McDonalds. Before I got abstinent last year I was up to 4 a day. It would have been more if they served them before lunch. I used to hit 2 – 3 different McDonalds on the way home from work everyday. If I didn’t hit McDonalds it was only because Klondike’s were on sale 2 for $5. That would get me through 24 hours.

I actually had a form of abstinence before I came back to OA. It was broken by soy ice cream. I knew ice cream was a problem for me so I had abstained for 6 months. But I was still ingesting sugar in the form of flour so the cravings never abated. One day, standing in front of the freezer at Ukrops’s I thought….soy ice cream is healthy. It’s a health food…no problem there! I ended up hitting Ukrops daily for months to get 4 pints of tofutti. I just couldn’t get enough. Shortly after trying the toffuti I was eating non-stop again….and gained back ½ the weight it had taken me a year and a ½ to lose. It took 3 months to gain it back.

Pastries are another big trigger for me. Sugar/flour/wheat….the holy trinity. The only thing better than pastries, pastries with ice cream in them. Toward the end of my binging I was eating an entire ice cream cake a day. Pop tarts were my inexpensive pastry of choice. If it was pay day it was the fancy pastry case at the local grocery store that held my attention.

Cheese, hard cheese, is a huge trigger for me…as is wheat. Anything that combined these two was deadly for me. Macaroni & cheese was #3 on my all time binge foods list with spaghetti a close third.
Cool whip was a favorite binge food of mine….that specific brand. I used to buy 2 at a time. One to eat as a dessert with chocolate pudding or strawberries….and one to eat by itself frozen….like ice cream. I got into the habit of eating frozen cool whip because mom used to keep it in the freezer for holiday baking….thawing it out for use. She used to use it…then freeze it. The young coe in me used to sneak into the freezer & take spoonfuls…thinking it would go unnoticed.

Found some old writings today....written after I had been released from the hospital. I almost died from compulsive overeating. Yo-yo dieting, binging, vomiting, bad food....led to gallbladder disease. That led to pancreatitis and liver problems. It was hell. Here are some excerpts...I had forgotten how bad it was.

It was orange, bright orange, and stained the toilet. But that was not the worst part. It was the stench. The fluid that kept me alive was a sticky, sweet syrup that permeated every pore of my body. I smelled like yeasty blood. But the urine, God! The odor lifted itself to my nostrils before I could move my weak body out of the way. If I had anything resembling food in my stomach I surely would have vomited. But it had been weeks since I had anything to drink let alone eat. Doctors orders, I must starve like those Ethopians mother always told me about. In the land of plenty I was too have none. As I slid my robot companion (I lovingly dubbed him R2D2) past the bathroom door I glimpsed trays upon trays stacked against the far wall. FOOD TRAYS!!!!! Vegetarian that I was, I would kill for some jell-o. Flavored ground bones mixed with water, sloppy cold on a pale gray tray. How wonderful it would be! To roll the coldness against my tongue and teeth. To feel something, anything in my mouth other than the protruding thermometer that sabered itself against the delicate underside of my tongue. Perhaps there could be a dollop of cool whip? Sugared milk whipped to perfection. Creamy white snow atop a glistening green gelatin mountain. Who was to stop me? The nurses busied themselves cackling over some poor wards misery no doubt. They paid no attention to the desperate, dying girl, who would literally die for some jell-o.

I woke up.....alone. i heard the machines working. Beep..............beep.....................beep. Would it never end? Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............pshhhhhhhhhhh.....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It was 2 AM and the clatter ceased to abate outside of my room. The nurses station never slept and the noise grated against my nerves that so needed rest and sleep. The fat nurse with the big painted lips (the only one who could find a vein for my IV now) had said they needed me to be close to the nurses station. I liked her. She told me funny stories and tried to make me laugh as she trolled my arms for sinkholes. I couldn't laugh, but appreciated the effort and intention. I would need her soon. My arm was throbbing with pain. The fluids that kept me alive were hard on my veins. I felt no pain other than the agony in my arm. It was screaming....always screaming. But I had to weigh the consequences of the pain I was feeling now, against the pain of another fishing expedition. My right arm was used up. So was the left now. The thought of walking to the bathroom with those cords hanging between my legs inspired me to keep my finger of the nurse call button. Instead I would sing with the pain, and ride it's waves. Over and over and over, until the morning comes.

Damn them. The TV wasn't working. Didn't they realize there was nothing to do? This was my only salvation until my family got off work to keep me company and take my mind off the agony. Damn them. No cable, no color, a screen 2x2. And that was not torture enough? Damn them all. I would not make it easy for them today. I would fight them with passivity. I would make them give me a sponge bath. I will forget I am here. Beep........beep.........beep.

"You may take two umbrella steps."

"Mother, may I?"

"Yes, you may."

As gracefully as I could I moved my left arm in a swan-like arch towards the sky letting my left hand gently come to rest on the top of my head like a brownie beanie. I moved my right arm away from me until it hovered above the floor as if suspended by invisible strings. I was my mothers play puppet; my every move dictated by her whim. I smiled dutifully, and took one step forward, swinging my body round in a dainty circle twice fulfilling my mother command.

"Andy, you may take three toad hops."

His hair was rough & unruly and ran about his heat like a rambunctious two year old. His eyes were nearly invisible as he beamed his response back to mother."

"Mother may I!?"

"Yes, you may."

Andrew squatted with his arms between his legs and leapt forward thrice with all the might his chubby little body could muster....

I was awake now. The painful organ no longer troubled me while I slept under a haze of morphine. I felt....nothing. Somehow, this seemed more dangerous than the pain.

Mother stood above me. She was smiling but she could not hide her anxiety from me. Damn her! Don't hide it. Be worried. Be AFRAID! I need to feel. Someone needs to feel. Fear, fear keeps him away.

Oh....and I forgot to write about what I was angry with right NOW! So as soon as my mom said what she said I started to think to myself. "My God she is crazy!!! What kind of woman would have affiars in 2 out of 3 marriages, and make her children complicit. What kind of woman would marry a known sex offender? What kind of woman would make her daughter feel guilty to tell on her sex offender husband?" So all these thoughts just run through my mind & I realize that being angry with my mother now brings me right back to that anger from yesteryear. So I obviously haven't dealt with it yet. And I am still so upset. I did not overeat my lunch but it is like....not digesting. Just sitting there making me sick.

I am very frustrated & upset at the moment. First I had my sponsor ask me to make plans to go somewhere with her in about 6 months. It is not expensive and she thought that would give me time to save for it.

What she doesn't understand is that kind of money (while very little to most people) is an overwhelming amount to me right now. I am just trying to keep my head above water and to try & do it without getting a second job! It would be irresponsible for me to spend that kind of money....but I don't think she gets it. She is much wealthier than I.

So I am upset about that.

On top of that my mother (whom I live with and is a coe & compulsive spender/hoarder/animal getter) is on a new kick. She wants to buy baby chicks & raise them. She thinks they will feed us (their eggs). We go through 1 dozen eggs a week each. It costs us $5 a week. I twould cost more than that to buy each chick....and feed them, house them, and who knows if they will lay eggs? Plus we live where wolves will probably just eat them. She is compulsively talking about around me (and with her dogs) and it is driving me crazy. She started to talk about it with me (again) and I told her I didn't want to talk to her about this issue anymore. That she was getting compulsive with it. She got very angry & went in her room & shut the door (to let me know she was angry). Then she came out & confronted me. To her credit she did not yell (proud of her) but was still trying to control MY behavior. I started involuntarily shaking & have not stopped. My energy is just exhausted at this point. I have eaten and still not stopped shaking. I am so upset (I am not used to confrontations). Anyway....that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

This is in response to a question someone asked me:
YES!!! I have felt this way. Many times. Actually, I have been so depressed because of my obesity & eating...that I tried to kill myself. Not a cry for help way...a "let's end it all because life sucks" way.
I have struggled with this disease around 25+ years. I have really hit bottom. I have been in recovery over a year and you know what...I am struggling with the food MORE now than this time last year.
That is not to depress you at all. It is to tell you that there are different stages in recovery. Now I "get" what people mean by the pink cloud experience. That is what it was like in the beginning. Recovery is like a river. Some parts of it are calm & clear. Sometimes there are rapids and the water is muddy. But the river moves on...everything, even the hard times, they pass.
Now that I am in recovery, when the food gets tough...even when I lapse in my eating plan (volume...I haven't had any of my binge or trigger foods) I worry enough to step up my recovery plan (that is the purpose of stress...to get you moving) but I don't worry too much as I know....this too shall pass.
I really recognize myself in you where you talk about saying, "F_ck you" and eating the food even though you know you're hurting yourself. It is an issue of control. I WILL control my life...or my death. I WILL control how you (the world) see me. I WILL control what goes in my mouth....even if I CHOOSE to be out of control. I so get it.
The first thing I do to stay abstinent is to have a sponsor. I email my food to my sponsor daily (even when I feel it is too much). It is hard...but it is a discipline. Now it is just automatic. I have been tempted to fudge it sometimes...but I don't out of fear. Because I know that what I am doing is working. I make my weekly phone call to her (in another country) because I promised to do so. Many times I do not want to. Sometimes I call and say I'm getting right off...but I always make the call. Now I have to live in integrity, now that I am in recovery.
The second thing I do when I am iffy is go to meetings! We are lucky to have access to online meetings. Every 3 hours we can get recovery. I can guarantee 1 meeting a day. When I first came into recovery I went to one meeting a day for several months. I did anything it took. On weekends I would sometimes go to every meeting I wasn't asleep for. I was willing to go to any lengths.
Phone calls, emails, and the loops also help me. I belong to several loops so I can "hear" a lot of recovery.
I do LOTS of service too!
Looking at the list I can see I am using the tools!!! So I guess that might work for you too! One of the biggest things that help my recovery is too sponsor. There is a reason for this. You are GUARANTEED recovery contact daily. One of my sponsees is required to call every morning. This helps her recovery and helps her come out of isolation. But it really helps me too...because I am guaranteed 1 recovery phone call a day. Just a quickie...but it is something. Also I get emails from all my sponsees daily (their food) which requires a response from me...even though that response is always the same, good job!
When I first got abstinent I had to play a lot of games with myself. I had to play the....you can have something to eat in 1/2 hr game....and then when that 1/2 hr was over add another...and so on until meal time. I played video games to keep my hands busy (sometimes for several hours...rollercoaster tycoon & diner dash until I mastered every scenario). I sat on my hands...promised myself I wouldn't eat while watching tv & then watched a movie...made a phone call, took a bubble bath, I even have gone to bed to keep myself from eating.
Recently I have been having trouble with eating too much at night. I had to reach back into my trick bag again & use some of these techniques. They really work for me & they are helping me get on track before the engine derails. Hot tea & broth, or a huge glass of water quiet & growling stomach (the physical) while these activities distract my mind.
I hope this helps!