Today is a celebration day for me!! Today is 9 months of back to back abstinence!!! Nine months is how long it takes to give birth to a baby. I believe I have given birth to myself, my true nature, my essence, which has been hidden so long under hundreds of pounds of fat, hatred, bitterness, and blame. I am finally free of most of the excess weight. Soon I will be finished with my fourth step and I will be free of my past. I really do feel reborn. It does take some getting used to, and that is fine. Wherever I am at today is OK with me and this is just such a blessing. In the meetings they tell us to say what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.

What life used to be like: I only had three states of existence. Abject depression, wildly high euphoria, and the "food fog" which was a comatose state I induced by compulsively overeating. My life was spent living from tragedy to tragedy, numbed by the food fog. Rarely I would have a euphoric feeling that would keep me from slitting my wrists. (Although there was the occasional suicide attempt.) Life was generally miserable, depressing, and not worth living. I felt like a zombie. I was the walking dead. The only thing I lived for was to be alone with an overabundance of my binge foods. My whole day living my miserable life and working my miserable job was only for the hour or two I would be alone in the evening with about $50-$100 worth of fast food and groceries I purchased on the way home. I wanted to die everyday and used to beg God just to kill me. When that didn't work I tried to kill myself.

What happened: I came back to OA, desperate enough to do whatever I was told (that was a first!) I got a sponsor immediately and began to work the program. I emailed the food I ate everyday to my sponsor. I did my stepwork and figured out what my binge and trigger foods were and vowed not to eat them this 24 hours. I did that every 24 hours for the past 9 months. I went to meetings, usually daily, because I needed to hear recovery constantly....especially in the beginning. I learned to make phone calls to others, starting with my sponsor who insisted I make one to her every week. I began to exercise because that is important to my recovery. I began to feed my body healthy and nutritious foods rather than foods that would numb me out in a sugar bliss. I really did what my sponsor told me to do and I have begun to grow up.

What it is like now: I spent 30 years of my life sludging through a very long, dark tunnel I thought would never end. But 9 months ago I saw a little light. I thought just maybe, I could make it to the other side. Now I am there. I am walking in the daylight again and I can feel the warmth of my Goddess shining on my face. I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I am proud of myself for doing some hard work. I am grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. My sponsor, the recovery group, OA, my OA friends, my sponsees....so many! Life is good just because I am alive. Also it is good because I know I can control my thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the world. This gives me power. I may be powerless over food, but I am not powerless over my life. I am, in fact, in charge. I make the decisions. I hope I am smart enough to give my life over to my HP everyday as She can make infinitely better choices than I can!! But I am hopeful that even if I make a mistake, I will choose again.

I cannot say enough how much better this way of life is than the way I used to live. I know we recover together. If you are like me, a compulsive overeater and food addict, I hope you join me on the road to recovery.

Amy

I started to write a letter to someone but decided to post this before *I* forgot information I know! LOL!

Welcome to OA! Welcome Home!
I assure you this program does work. I used to weigh nearly 450lbs. Now I weigh 209 & I am still losing. I used to be "lazy" and would actually time things like going to the bathroom with other activities because I hated to move. This kind of "lazy" was really because I was overweight. You will see that as you lose weight it is easier to move & everyday life becomes less of a struggle. So you may find out later that you are not as lazy as you think you are. This once lazy & piggy girl now gets her butt up at 5:00 in the morning to kickbox or weight lift. I once was too lazy to make my bed (went a decade without making it) now it's the first thing I do in the morning. I used to be too lazy to brush my teeth!!! I would go days without doing so. Now I wouldn't dream of it. Believe me, if you work this program your life will change *drastically*! And for the better!
One warning......because it seems like you and I have a lot in common. I was engaged to a man who watched EVERYTHING I ate. He used to complain about what I was eating, my portion sizes. My nickname for him was "the food policeman". The next man I was engaged to (and really loved) was the exact opposite. He was slightly overweight but not obese like me. But he enjoyed taking me out to eat & buying & making me food. I did not marry him either but had a realization later that these men were different sides of the same coin. Both were controlling with food. One was controlling in that he induldged me food wise. He encouraged me to eat, and unhealthily. How is this controlling??? If you are obese, you're health and very life is in danger. You are also limited socially. This IS a form of control. It is actually a very common way men control women in this society. Overweight women in this society are near powerless. I know you are probably not ready to think about this yet....but just wanted you to hear it so it doesn't sound so foreign later, when it starts to make sense. Having said that I'm sure your hubby has no idea he's doing it. But if someone really loves you, they don't want you to be overweight. Fat = early death and disease. There is nothing fun about being fat and unfit. There is nothing fun about being unattractive, unable to move, being less employable, and being less valued by society.
At some point, in order to recover, food will have to change for you. I am guessing that right now food is a friend, comforter, and food is enjoyment. For some food eventually becomes the enemy. For me and my recovery....food had to become one thing and one thing only......NUTRITION. Nothing more, and nothing less. Food no longer fullfills my emotional needs. That is unhealthy for me.
Hope to see you in the loops & meetings!
Amy

I have some very happy news!!! Two of my healthy eating recipes were published in a book by Rodale called "Eat Up Slim Down/Annual Recipes/2007. My two recipes are "Amazing Salad Sandwiches" on P.96 & "Amy's Apple Sandwiches" on P. 101. The book can be purchased at www.rodale.com or www.rodalestore.com. It is a hefty chunk of cash! $27.50!!! But it is a cool book. Of course I get nada if you buy one!! But I just love that my recipes were published. This is encouragement for me as eventually I would like to publish a book on food addiction and weight management. Perhaps I have found my calling. More later!

Amy