Wanted to share my thoughts on the issue of anger & discontent. This is spurred by a dream I had right upon awakening & a talk by a spiritual guru of mine.
It is also a testament to the perfection of the 12 Step program and how it works.
This guru was on a talk show and discussing what happens when one dies. He said that you could choose whatever type of Heaven or Hell you wanted when you died...it depended on what you thought. The moderator asked about what traditional Heaven was like....were there harps & choirs? This guru said hell was more interesting than a perfect Heaven. Because you needed "Divine Discontent" in order for anything to happen.
It struck me that is why the meetings & the "meetings after the meetings" are so important in the 12 Step program. When addicts pick up & use...emotionally we stop maturing. It has been my experience when we reach the program we are usually stuck somewhere in adolescence. With the help of the 12 Steps, our sponsor, and our fellows we start to grow up once we become abstinent/sober. Once the food fog has been lifted and we can see with new eyes we start to tackle the problem of "growing up" which we have denied ourselves because we were too into our drug. The world is sometimes not a forgiving place in which to learn and grow, especially when we have mature adult bodies, and adolescent brains! The people we work with may not understand a childish reaction to an adult situation after all. But here in the 12 Step rooms, there are people at all levels of recovery: physical, emotional, and spiritual. These rooms are the perfect place to throw temper tantrums, get angry, frustrated, make mistakes. Here is where you will have old timers who have been there, done that, understand what you are going through and help lead you out. You will have the upstart "youngster", the wise old crone, the nurturer, the fire starter, the peacemaker, all personality types represented. Those to learn from, those to push your buttons. I find the ones the push my buttons usually are the ones I learn the most from.
At first I thought the cyber rooms were a great place to supplement program....after all, isn't it obvious that a f2f environment is a better one? I find the answer to that question isn't so obvious. Some of us don't have access to f2f meetings, but even those who do pretty much see the same faces everyday, the same personalities. In these worldwide "cyber rooms" we have a larger experience. A real opportunity to meet with others who have vastly different belief systems and ways of living. I have talked with people from other countries, other religions, other ways of living. What a wonderful environment in which to grow.
It occurred to me that we also need "divine discontent" in these rooms in order for us to practice this new way of living. How else will we practice the principles of this program? It is a much more forgiving environment in which to learn than say, my workplace or family of origin.
I was thinking about my physical recovery (abstinence) and why I got it my second time around (I was a dismal failure my first time around gaining 200lbs in program!) I knew desperation was the reason, I knew it was based in fear. But it was not fear of death. This was important for me to figure out because I have had so many people ask me in my f2f & on line meetings, what finally kicked in? What thought made you make the decision to be abstinent & begin to recover? Yes, I was desperate to recover, but what made me desperate?
My first time around in program I was only in 2 or 3 months when I was hospitalized dying. More than a decade of rapid weight loss & weight gain, binging & purging had caused massive gallstones. One released & got stuck in the pancreatic duct. Bile released into my system, spilled over, and eventually started digesting my organs. It was a bit of a mess! I was not expected to live, but miracle of miracles I did! I remember my doctor telling me, "You can never overeat again. You can never purge again. You can never drink again. If you do, it might kill you." Well of course being the sane rational person I was, I spent the next decade binging my brains out! Gaining 200lbs! In other words, death did not scare me enough to stop engaging in my drug of choice. I remember an incredulous OA member saying to me I was lucky, I was told I would die, that should be enough to scare me into action. Well it wasn't. So why so many years later, did I finally come back to OA and get abstinent?
Last night it hit me. I came back shortly after I had seen the doctor. The had run a huge battery of tests on me & finally come up with a diagnosis after decades. I did have an illness, I was not crazy. I had been misdiagnosed for a decade. There was some real good news. My very learned specialist had told me...."There is every reason to believe, you will live a normal life span." This scared the hell out of me!! I had been told by doctors so many times I would die, I would die early, I would die disabled. Hey, that I could handle. I never thought I would live to see 40, se la ve! But now, at 39 I was being told....I could live to be 70, 80!!!!! OMG, I might live to be old! OMG, I might be like everyone else on planet Earth!!! My life is uncertain. I am not special, I don't know my expiration date. I am like everyone else, if I take care of myself.
I finally figured out the turning point for me in my recovery journey. It was not fear I would die that got me abstinent, it was the fear I would live. It was the fear I would go on for 10,20,30 or more years living like I had already done. Living paycheck to paycheck trying to feed my habit. Not having meaningful relationships & people in my life. Moving through life as a sad sack, "so special" I could never be happy like everyone else. "So different" I could never be useful. Fear and discontent have useful purposes sometimes, they can be powerful motivators.
It is good not to be special and different than everyone else. If I am like everyone else, that means that what works for other people will work for me. I have been in 12 step rooms for a long time (many different programs). I have seen the 12 step program work for hundreds of people I have personally spoken with & talked with. All different types of people, all different types of personalities, all different belief systems. Some I like, some I don't, it really doesn't matter. The ones who work the program get abstinent & sober. I have seen many more hundreds come in the program and leave. I see some stick around for years and never work the program (I was one of them). I see most come & go, and sometimes come again. It takes what it takes to get discontent enough, desperate enough, to actually work the program. That doesn't make anyone better or worse than anyone else. It doesn't make anyone more special or different. When you get desperate enough to work it, you will and it will work. 1+1=2. It took a lot for me to do the math!!
This is just my experience in program. It may not match your experience. But it is important for me to share it. I cannot keep what I do not give away. And man, do I wanna keep this!!
I hope everyone has a happy holiday season!!
Blessings in your recovery journey,
Amy

Lightbulb Moment!

When I arrived home from a long day at work last evening I came home to some medical bills. Thankfully HP has provided me with money to pay them. But the debt was weighing on my mind. The next morning I followed my recovery routine by picking out some divination cards. The card for my day was "Time to move On....It's time to let go of the old & worn out so the new can come in." I didn't understand what it was referring to. Driving to work I got very upset & started crying. "All these bills to pay. This is too expensive. I need to switch to an HMO. But then I won't be able to see my specialists. What if I get sick again & I'm stuck with a lousy HMO? What if I keep the PPO & get sick again.....I'll never get out of debt?" On & on the thoughts went. Then it was as if someone hit me on the head with a hammer. Why are you worrying about being sick in the future? Just because it happened in the past? YOU MAY NEVER BE SICK AGAIN! You are living in the past. Living as if the past will be your future. IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON!!! It was as if HP really had to knock me in the head. I was using the past to predict the future. But my illness was really brought on by my addiction....which I am no longer practicing....so why would I get sick again? Even if I did, all I can do is prepare the best I can. I can't predict the future. There is no sense in worrying....WORRY MAKES YOU ILL! A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. The past is the past, it doesn't predict my future. I am changing my future by living rightly in the present!

As an aside I am living through the holidays abstinently & without resentment towards others because they can eat what I can't.

Blessings,

Amy

Some more sayings from OA & 12 step:

-My recovery routine is a way to do service for others...so they don't have to deal w/me being anxious, out of control, & practicing my addiction!

-The 12 steps shrink my world down to a manageable size

-My body requires a lot of maintenance....but it's worth it.

-I don't ride the sugar rollercoaster anymore, instead I choose the sweetness of life.

-I choose to enjoy the sweetness of life.

I have some more 12 step sayings:

K.I.S.S.- Keep It Simple, Surrender

Humility is the best defense against humiliation

T.I.M.E.- Things I Must Earn

Everyone has regrets....but it doesn't have to be a life sentence!

Integrity is the torch that cuts through the chains of a painful past.

I am not a victim of the fates, but a co-designer of my destiny!

Feel, Deal & Heal!

Face your stuff, don't stuff your face.

Forgiveness means being willing to let go of the pain that others caused me.

D.E.N.I.A.L. - Don't Even Notice I Am Lying

All character defects are 1) broken character assets or 2) excuses to maintain control I never had.

Character defects are coping strategies that have ceased to work for us.

Before recovery I only cared about what went in my mouth....after recovery I learned to care what went in my mouth & what came out of it.

G.O.D.-Good Orderly Direction

Some of these may be repeats...but they are worth repeating.

This is a posting I did for a few recovery loops. It is a synopsis of my story (again). Wanted to share it with all of you.

My name is Amy, I am a coe, fa, alkie, druggie, sex & love addict.
Yes....I AM an addict.

I have been a food addict & compulsive overeater as long as I can
remember. Food was always a primary factor of life in my family of
origin. Almost everyone in my family has addictions with food, and some
with alcohol. Obesity (morbid obesity no less) runs in my family and many
have died from it or complications from obesity (type 2 diabetes & heart
attacks, etc). Food was always a reward in my family and also a comfort.
I was a star in my family growing up. First of all because I was the
oldest. Secondly because I was smart & precocious. Thirdly because I
almost died as an infant and was not expected to live. I ranked high in
the reward food hierarchy.

My mother was ironically, thin while I was growing up. But so obviously a
food addict. She hoardes food & used food to teach us growing up. Yes, I
learned to read & write early on. Mom told me how to write my name in
ketchup on my sandwiches! However time eventually caught up to her!

I was "chubby" and a "big girl" early on. When I was 10 I went through
puberty and became almost 6' tall & got boobs. I remember walking into my
fifth grade class & having my male teacher tell the class Amy got her
period because I had breasts. That is when my classmates started calling
me fat & picking on me. Now I look back at pictures and see I was a ten
year old built like a woman with a killer bod. I should have been
modeling! But instead I got a complex (people really do become what you
call them) and I started to seek comfort in food. I did gain weight &
quickly began the "dieting". Notice the first 3 letters in that word are
DIE! I didn't know what I was doing. I figured if less food meant you
lost weight....I would eat less. I was eating as little as 50 calories a
day. I was too weak to move. When we went on vacation at the beach it
was over a hundred degrees and I sat huddled in the sun with all the beach
blankets wrapped around me. My Dad recognized I had a problem (this was
before anorexia was a recognized condition by most). My family did not
believe in hospitals or doctors, they cost money. Instead my Dad solved
the problem by force feeding me. I started eating that day and rarely
stopped for the next 29 years. Up until that point I had never been more
than a few pounds overweight....that would change.

I started to gain a lot of weight as a teen. The taunts of others caused
me to retreat further & further into the food. I would go on extreme diets
to lose the weight & then gain it all back and more. I know this part of
the story is familiar to most. But I really went to extremes. The more
weight I gained the more disconnected I became from my body until I
totally disassociated. Once that happened I really had no idea how big I
got. I was in denial that my weight was a problem despite all the medical
problems I had. Every few years I would decide to do something about it,
extreme diet, lose weight, gain it all back & more, and on and on. In my
late 20's/early 30's my job shut down & I decided to go back to college.
P.E. was a required course taught by "Killer Cripken". Well Killer was
really into health & I learned a lot and lost weight and got in shape. I
was in the best shape of my life but still eating poorly. A meal would be
4 or 5 servings of low fat ice cream. Sure I lost weight...but I was
still way into the food and obsessed with it. Still indulging in my binge
foods big time (not knowing that was a bad thing). Eventually this led
into all out binging. But I couldn't gain the weight back. What to do?
Well syrup of Ipecac solved that problem. I went to the drugstore and
discovered my new cure for all my weight problems. Now I could binge all
I wanted without repercussions. I was still thin enough for my extreme
sports lifestyle...all was well. Everyone thought I looked beautiful too.
But all was not well.

I started to realize I was gaining weight anyway. I was desperate. I had
already tried all the formal diets & big money weight loss schemes. I was
desperate. I found this OA and went to a few meetings.

I was not impressed with my first several meetings. They were very small
& full of "whiners" who just complained about being fat. This was not for
me I thought. Yet I kept coming back. I'm not sure why.

Then I started feeling particularly poorly after a bad binge. I seemed to
swell up but I disconnected from my body and ignored it. Pretty soon my
college life of fun & food would end.

The next thing I knew I was being rushed to the hospital. I felt so
embarrassed knowing all this fuss was being paid to me & how awful I would
feel when they found out nothing was wrong with me. When I first arrived
at the hospital the nurse said it looked like appendicitis and it was no
big deal. So imagine my surprise when the doc sat down on my bed and told
me I was dying....and he didn't know why.

He had suspicions...but he wasn't sure. He needed to do exploratory
surgery...but I was too ill and would die on the operating table. We
would wait and see if I stabilized enough to do surgery. In the
meantime...I could not eat, drink, have ice chips...NOTHING! Anything
that activated my digestive system could kill me. Talk about a food
addicts nightmare. I laid in that hospital bed for a month with NO FOOD,
NO DRINK, NO NOTHING to comfort me. I was in agonizing pain. They would
do an exploratory surgery only to have me crash. It was 3 exploratory
surgeries before they could finally find out what was wrong. My extreme
dieting, rapid weight loss & weight gains, caused me to get huge
gallbladder stones. On my last binge one released & got stuck in the
pancreatic duct. No bile could get out. It built up and built up until
it leaked all into my internal organs....digesting them. By the time they
got all that cleared up....it was too late. My Dr. tried to give me pep
talks, saying the only thing keeping me alive was my will to live. I told
him I would die then, because I was done. He wanted to do one last
surgery, thinking maybe he missed something. I said no, I want to die.
They gave me my own room so I could be comfortable.

Then, I didn't die. It was a miracle. Later the doc told me he had never
seen anyone as sick as I was live. He said, "you are a miracle". In the
meantime none of my very good friends came to visit me in the hospital,
NONE. Only family, and these people I had just met in OA. They didn't
even know me. But they traveled pretty damn far to see me in the
hospital, to cheer me up, and bring me gifts. I never forgot that.

The Doc told me I could never compulsively eat again or overfill my
stomach as I was now prone to pancreatitis. Every time I did, could be my
last. No alcohol either, nada.

As soon as I was able to walk & drive, I went to the nearest supermarket &
bought all the food I could and then had a few drinks. No, I didn't learn
a thing.

Except that these OA people understood me. I kept going to meetings, for
31/2 years. I was very active in service and made lots of friends. I did
a lot in OA, including gaining over 200lbs hitting my top weight of 450.
I was never abstinent and very rarely worked the steps. But there was
some hope, understanding, and companionship. Eventually though I gave up
hope. I dived back into the food and left OA. I put away all my OA
books, tapes, and literature, but I didn't throw them away.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Several years later, still heavy, I was listening to Howard Stern on
satellite (I know....this gets weird. Saved by Howard Stern!) I was
listening to a celebrity talk about her ex-husband (they had their own TV
show) and Howard asked how he lost all his weight. The celebrity outed
her husband as a 12 stepper who went to OA. Well, this was a real break
of anonymity but it probably saved my life. I went to an OA website that
night & looked for a meeting. To my dismay I found all meetings in my
area were gone. But there were these Internet meetings. I went to one
that night & asked for a sponsor. One person told me she was a sponsor
and I grabbed her. That was my first abstinent day.

Tomorrow will be my 6 months anniversary of abstinence. I have lost over
a hundred pounds. I am now around 230. I might be stalled for awhile as
I just had knee surgery and I need to let that heal. But the real miracle
isn't the weight loss. It's the abstinence and the clarity of mind that
has come with it. I am very grateful for my sponsor, for OA, for the 12
step program. for TRG, for all the loops, especially the newcomer loops.
I am grateful to still be alive and to be in program. I really need to
hear about others recovery. I especially need to talk with people who
have lost a lot of weight, have a lot of weight to lose, and those who are
keeping it off. There are so many problems that come with obesity that
some just can't understand. I am sending this to all my new loops. Thank
you all for being here and making this program work. My name is Amy, and
at meetings you might know me as Reignfyre.

Blessings to you on your journey,

Amy